LoveRaymond Posted March 3, 2013 Posted March 3, 2013 (edited) Well, Ima have to admit that its a bit overwhelming seeing all these posts of married men and women cheating. The fact that people are so open about it is also kind of intimidating for me to read as all my life I've never really even considered anything like this. I'm certainly not here to judge or be judged, simply seeking advice/thoughts. My post might seem weak or unimportant in comparison to some that I've read, but I came here for help and I'll least tell you my situation (I'll keep it simple and not give you the long-winded complicated version). Well, I've know this girl for years through work. We worked closely for a while, but I just never looked at her in any other way than a colleague. About a year and a half ago we began to work more closely together and the more I got to know her the more I fell for her. Now, I she has a man that she lives with and I have a womanI live with and two beautiful young kids. I have entered into this lightly due to them. I aven't slept with the girl from work and other than a handful of times I don't really see her out of work. We're both really cautious, but after 18 months down the line I'm totally confused at where this is going or if it even is going :/ I learned to play a guitar to impress her, wrote her songs of my own (rap songs as my guitar work so far sucks - ha)! She really full on when we're at work and I might get the odd text after shes left for the day (I work much later than her). We used to text a little at weekends but that has kinda dried up and although I could take her out more she's pretty clear it isn't much of an option. We go out for lunch often and its really easy to kiss her (if that makes sense). It feels natural and beautiful. We went on a trip to Manchester last year which went really well. It took an age for me to get her to agree, but afterwards it all felt worth it. She asked me if I wanted to meet her to walk her dog a few months ago (which again was really nice - I met some of her family briefly too). It just feels like I pursue her so much and I'm at the stage of "for what"? Her close family do know about me, so her mind must be thinking that maybe it could be long term. Am I just being impatient? or a mug? Up until a few days ago I would have moved in with her tomorrow, but lately i've been struggling with the fact that I'm confused at whether or not I'm being taken for a ride or could this actually be as serious to her as it is me? She went to Spain a few months ago to see her dad who lives there (on her own so no partner with her). She said that she'd call, but I didn't hear a thing during that time. She said her phone wasn't working. If this was the other way around (given how I feel about her) then I'd have found a way to make the call. I doubt her partner would have accepted no phonecalls for 7 days, so she must have called home at some point. Although I'm not jealous of that, it does kinda hurt a bit to think that I was out of sight out of mind. My family are mostly in the US so I'm going to Miami in June for a month. Just before that I have a family holiday in the Maldives for 2 weeks. My original plan was to call from the U.S at least a couple of times to talk to her (as I really do miss her when shes not with me), but the more I think of it the more pointless its all feeling She goes on holiday just before me (in May I think) and I'm holding out very little hope of seeing her much between thse two months. Underlining my 'out of sight out of mind' theory. I'm not really here asking for answers or solutions. I just want someone to either tell me to stop being a pathetic mug and move on OR that maybe I'm reading it all wrong and to be more patient. I actually feel x100 better just writing that all down and I look forward to hearing what you guys think Thank You all Edited March 3, 2013 by LoveRaymond typos - sorry :/
LFH Posted March 3, 2013 Posted March 3, 2013 I'm wondering what it is you are wondering? Should you stay with the girl you live with or should you continue with this somewhat halfhearted affair? I'm not really sure what you are asking about.
Author LoveRaymond Posted March 3, 2013 Author Posted March 3, 2013 Well, I guess I'm wondering if I should carry on pursuing the girl at work or just walk away from it all. I've thought about this loads. You see, if I still pursue the girl from work, then it all 'might' be for nothing and it feels likely I'm going to get hurt badly somewhere along the way. Saying that I'm crazy about her. We get along well, have the same interests, our time together is so comfortable and.. well nice that I never want to be anywhere else. On the flip side I tell her that enough is enough and just carry on at home as if nothing happened. I try to be a 'good' guy, but if I feel like this about someone else then should I be staying anyway? Me and my current partner argue and although it isn't everyday I do worry that it'll affect the kids. I think long term even that would eventually see me moving out. urgh - I don't know - I'm so confused right now
Pierre Posted March 3, 2013 Posted March 3, 2013 It is normal to develop an attraction if the two of you spend a lot of time together. The workplace is fertile ground for infidelity. It is up to you to be honest or to start cheating. It is your call. Do you feel like destroying your woman and children? Your call.
Author LoveRaymond Posted March 3, 2013 Author Posted March 3, 2013 Do you feel like destroying your woman and children? Your call. I totally appreciate what you're saying, but in that case are you saying I should stay for the kids? If I'm honest that is always going to be my first option, but the fact that we argue so often at home can't be healthy. I mean, to be fair I haven't really 'cheated' as such, but I 100% agree with you that I need to decide what to do. Thats the hard part. Its not as simple as 'Do you feel like destroying..." though. You know that.
Catplates Posted March 3, 2013 Posted March 3, 2013 I totally appreciate what you're saying, but in that case are you saying I should stay for the kids? If I'm honest that is always going to be my first option, but the fact that we argue so often at home can't be healthy. I mean, to be fair I haven't really 'cheated' as such, but I 100% agree with you that I need to decide what to do. Thats the hard part. Its not as simple as 'Do you feel like destroying..." though. You know that. Just pretend that the work girl isn't there. What would you do then? Don't go thinking of leaving for her, because her behavious says she's just not that into you. Cat
Eggplant Posted March 3, 2013 Posted March 3, 2013 I totally appreciate what you're saying, but in that case are you saying I should stay for the kids? If I'm honest that is always going to be my first option, but the fact that we argue so often at home can't be healthy. Before you pursue other women, you have to end your relationship with your children's mother.
Author LoveRaymond Posted March 3, 2013 Author Posted March 3, 2013 Just pretend that the work girl isn't there. What would you do then? Don't go thinking of leaving for her, because her behavious says she's just not that into you. Cat That actually makes a lot of sense. I think I need to simplify it all in my head before anythiing happens either way. I've read loads of posts tonight and can't find anything even similar to my situation. Most people have already done the cheating or are looking at ways to tell their partners. As I said in my OP I'm not here to judge, but thats not really me. Thanks for the advice - thats more like what I'm looking for I think
Author LoveRaymond Posted March 3, 2013 Author Posted March 3, 2013 Before you pursue other women, you have to end your relationship with your children's mother. I would definitely do this if I thought it would come to anything. Writing it all down helps - re-readng my post I think the other girl needs to be taken out of the equation when I decide what to do.
Eggplant Posted March 3, 2013 Posted March 3, 2013 I think long term even that would eventually see me moving out. If your long-term plan is to leave your partner, you must let her know now. It is easier for her now to find another man than it will be in 10 or 15 years.
Eggplant Posted March 3, 2013 Posted March 3, 2013 I would definitely do this if I thought it would come to anything. So you want to stay with your partner until it comes to something better. No, no, if you are going to leave your partner when whatever comes to something better, you'd better let her know.
Author LoveRaymond Posted March 3, 2013 Author Posted March 3, 2013 So you want to stay with your partner until it comes to something better. No, no, if you are going to leave your partner when whatever comes to something better, you'd better let her know. I 100% hear you but thats not what I meant. If I stay it'll be final and unconditional. I'm not a cheat and guess I need to work out why I'm even allowing myself to feel like I do about the other girl. I would never just stay until something better came along I'm not like that (plus I agree with you it'd be cruel). I just meant that right now I'm undecided and as soon as I'm clear (meaning short-term) then I'll do the right thing. 1
Pierre Posted March 3, 2013 Posted March 3, 2013 I 100% hear you but thats not what I meant. If I stay it'll be final and unconditional. I'm not a cheat and guess I need to work out why I'm even allowing myself to feel like I do about the other girl. I would never just stay until something better came along I'm not like that (plus I agree with you it'd be cruel). I just meant that right now I'm undecided and as soon as I'm clear (meaning short-term) then I'll do the right thing. If you are with the woman from hell please leave her before doing any other woman. And more importantly do not sleep with a married woman. It is very likely you will get hurt very badly. When men and women work together all the time infidelity can happen whether you are happy or unhappy. The people that are honest recognize what is going on and act in an honorable manner. If your relationship is so bad it is ok to end it. However, there is another common dynamic: When you fall for your coworker your woman at home starts to look pretty bad. Let's face it; the thrill of the new is more exciting than the old lady At Home with two kids. Since you started to like your coworker it is very likely you have been acting like a jerk at home. Your woman probably feels there is something wrong and she had no clue. If you are distant and not paying attention she is insane.
LFH Posted March 3, 2013 Posted March 3, 2013 I 100% hear you but thats not what I meant. If I stay it'll be final and unconditional. I'm not a cheat and guess I need to work out why I'm even allowing myself to feel like I do about the other girl. I would never just stay until something better came along I'm not like that (plus I agree with you it'd be cruel). I just meant that right now I'm undecided and as soon as I'm clear (meaning short-term) then I'll do the right thing. You are cheating though. You came here because something in your EMA wasn't going the way you wanted it to. Just because your part A hasn't made it inside her part B... yet... doesn't mean you aren't cheating. It's really important to be honest to yourself about that. 1
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