miss_jaclynrae Posted March 3, 2013 Posted March 3, 2013 I lost my job and my car last week and the timing couldn't be any worse. He has been amazingly supportive, and despite it all he still wants me to move in. I am personally freaking out because... well, I need an effing job. After a marriage where he took care of everything, I feel utterly powerless right now, and have a HUGE fear of this becoming what my last relationship was. I just needed to vent I guess, my family has pretty much left me on my own and therefore I cut contact. I have never felt so useless in my life, it literally was two days in a row of ****astic-ness. Luckily I have some savings to hold me over financially, but I feel the tension between us. I told him that I would be more than capable to handle things on my own if he wanted to wait until I was more stable to continue with our plans I would completely understand. He told me to stop being silly and that the great thing about having a partner is that I no long HAVE to go through **** alone. It was sweet. I just really need **** to go right though for me, I am fully aware that our relationship will not be able to handle me being jobless for a serious length of time. I feel really blessed to have him, he really has been amazing in helping me feel like everything is going to work out. 1
RachR Posted March 3, 2013 Posted March 3, 2013 Sit him down and seriously explain how important to you it is to be stable and on your feet before moving in together, and if he gives you the "No, that's silly, honey" business, tell him it isn't about him and it's something you value. And even if he insists, I mean, you don't have to follow through...what, is he going to break up with you if you wait to move in? I would hope not, if he does care. Edit* Ok, maybe I misunderstood your post. So are you still going to move in, but you're just scared? Just talk to him about it, have a serious conversation and don't let his "no that's sillies" take over what you need to express.
ltjg45 Posted March 3, 2013 Posted March 3, 2013 In a way, this happening is a good thing. This will be Test #1 as to how strong the OP's relationship really is. Depending on how he responds to this will determine if he is really the man the OP wants for the long run.
Author miss_jaclynrae Posted March 3, 2013 Author Posted March 3, 2013 Sit him down and seriously explain how important to you it is to be stable and on your feet before moving in together, and if he gives you the "No, that's silly, honey" business, tell him it isn't about him and it's something you value. And even if he insists, I mean, you don't have to follow through...what, is he going to break up with you if you wait to move in? I would hope not, if he does care. Edit* Ok, maybe I misunderstood your post. So are you still going to move in, but you're just scared? Just talk to him about it, have a serious conversation and don't let his "no that's sillies" take over what you need to express. I am still moving in, financially I have a few months cushion to lean on, so that is ok, it is more so the resentment that can build up due to me NOT working and HIM working that I am scared of. I have been working my ass off trying to find a job. I am trying to make things a bit easier for him to, cooking, cleaning, I am trying over here. I just have this nudge of fear about him realizing one morning that he is with a jobless and carless woman and that he can do better. It definitely isn't ideal and I wouldn't blame him for it. 1
IndianGuy87 Posted March 3, 2013 Posted March 3, 2013 You're fine. It's not like you're a guy and he's a girl because if that was the case, you would have been single by now. Guys are much more open minded and even if you didn't have savings, he would have most likely financially supported you. This is definitely going to make you two.
ltjg45 Posted March 3, 2013 Posted March 3, 2013 I'm sure, if her man is really the kind she says he is, she isn't losing him anytime soon. Let hope that is the case. 1
RachR Posted March 3, 2013 Posted March 3, 2013 (edited) I am still moving in, financially I have a few months cushion to lean on, so that is ok, it is more so the resentment that can build up due to me NOT working and HIM working that I am scared of. I have been working my ass off trying to find a job. I am trying to make things a bit easier for him to, cooking, cleaning, I am trying over here. I just have this nudge of fear about him realizing one morning that he is with a jobless and carless woman and that he can do better. It definitely isn't ideal and I wouldn't blame him for it. I understand your worries. But from what I've experienced and seen from others, that resentment typically builds when the other person is not actively searching or they are being really lazy, and just leeching. You are not doing this and not planning on doing this. And also, your boyfriend, from the sounds of it, cares and would like to help you out and take care of you when you need help, and seems to understands that sh*t happens. He sounds very supportive, good for you. Edited March 3, 2013 by RachR added info 1
iKING Posted March 3, 2013 Posted March 3, 2013 I am still moving in, financially I have a few months cushion to lean on, so that is ok, it is more so the resentment that can build up due to me NOT working and HIM working that I am scared of. I have been working my ass off trying to find a job. I am trying to make things a bit easier for him to, cooking, cleaning, I am trying over here. I just have this nudge of fear about him realizing one morning that he is with a jobless and carless woman and that he can do better. It definitely isn't ideal and I wouldn't blame him for it. Relax, it will work out. Try not to stress too much as this could add tension. You're actively doing your part to find a new job, your boyfriend sounds wonderful and will be by your side through it all. You're obviously not careless, you're doing everything in your power to resolve the situation. On top of that, you're being an awesome girlfriend to him in general. Try to stay positive!
Author miss_jaclynrae Posted March 3, 2013 Author Posted March 3, 2013 Thank you everyone, I really appreciate it. I guess that the fact that we really are "new" is making my mind over think. Time will only tell.
runningfar Posted March 3, 2013 Posted March 3, 2013 Relax. If you are seriously job hunting, no guy is going to feel taken advantage of or resentful. Treat it like a job (hours a day and everything) and you probably won't be unemployed long and you certainly don't have to fret.
IAmRobot Posted March 3, 2013 Posted March 3, 2013 I lost my job and my car last week and the timing couldn't be any worse. He has been amazingly supportive, and despite it all he still wants me to move in. I am personally freaking out because... well, I need an effing job. After a marriage where he took care of everything, I feel utterly powerless right now, and have a HUGE fear of this becoming what my last relationship was. I just needed to vent I guess, my family has pretty much left me on my own and therefore I cut contact. I have never felt so useless in my life, it literally was two days in a row of ****astic-ness. Luckily I have some savings to hold me over financially, but I feel the tension between us. I told him that I would be more than capable to handle things on my own if he wanted to wait until I was more stable to continue with our plans I would completely understand. He told me to stop being silly and that the great thing about having a partner is that I no long HAVE to go through **** alone. It was sweet. I just really need **** to go right though for me, I am fully aware that our relationship will not be able to handle me being jobless for a serious length of time. I feel really blessed to have him, he really has been amazing in helping me feel like everything is going to work out. EASY. Just do your best to get a job and stop worrying about your relationship being affected by it. Worrying won't solve anything. He IS right. When **** hit the fans... you ARE a couple. Just do your best, that's what matters. My parents in different parts of their lives have had different incomes. That never affected the harmony of the family. Now if you just stay home and DO NOT try your best, that might affect the harmony. You have a (solvable) problem... Go solve it, stop complaining and worrying.
veggirl Posted March 3, 2013 Posted March 3, 2013 It will be fine. I understand worrying about him feeling resentful, even though you have a savings to pay for yourself. I just moved (9 days ago!) from Phoenix to Philadelphia w/ my bf. I don't have a job out here. I was worried he would get bitter about going to work everyday while I am still home. How I've dealt with this? I get up when he gets up. I don't sleep in til 10 or noon or whatever, I am up at 6:30 like him. I spend my day looking for a job, cleaning, errand running/grocery shopping, and I make dinner for him when he gets home. It's all good for us, I mean if I was like in my PJs when he got home, lounging on the couch, nothing to show for my day, I am sure that would get old really fast. But I have remained productive, I still get dressed in real clothes not gym/lounge clothes. And fingers crossed we both find work soon 4
ltjg45 Posted March 3, 2013 Posted March 3, 2013 Well, this will also test his patience. As nice as it would be that the OP has years to find employment again, I doubt she knows just how long her boyfriend is willing to deal with this. After all, they are a new couple. I do hope everything goes well for her but I can understand her concerns.
Author miss_jaclynrae Posted March 3, 2013 Author Posted March 3, 2013 It will be fine. I understand worrying about him feeling resentful, even though you have a savings to pay for yourself. I just moved (9 days ago!) from Phoenix to Philadelphia w/ my bf. I don't have a job out here. I was worried he would get bitter about going to work everyday while I am still home. How I've dealt with this? I get up when he gets up. I don't sleep in til 10 or noon or whatever, I am up at 6:30 like him. I spend my day looking for a job, cleaning, errand running/grocery shopping, and I make dinner for him when he gets home. It's all good for us, I mean if I was like in my PJs when he got home, lounging on the couch, nothing to show for my day, I am sure that would get old really fast. But I have remained productive, I still get dressed in real clothes not gym/lounge clothes. And fingers crossed we both find work soon This is exactly me. Thanks btw, I am hoping something happens soon!
kaylan Posted March 3, 2013 Posted March 3, 2013 Moving in and not having been together 6 months yet? Bad idea. And now he holds all the cards in terms of money and transportation? Very bad idea. If you guys get into fights, watch his leverage come to the forefront. Be smart OP. You sound like a kid rushing into something simply because its convenient and you want youre guy right next to you all the time. Honeymoon phases end quicker when you are around the person all the time. 1
FitChick Posted March 3, 2013 Posted March 3, 2013 How will you go on job interviews without a car? The job you get will have to be near public transportation and, in SoCal, good luck with that. People taking public transport are generally drunks, illegals and the mentally ill. 1
outsidethebox Posted March 3, 2013 Posted March 3, 2013 Moving in and not having been together 6 months yet? Bad idea. And now he holds all the cards in terms of money and transportation? Very bad idea. If you guys get into fights, watch his leverage come to the forefront. Be smart OP. You sound like a kid rushing into something simply because its convenient and you want youre guy right next to you all the time. Honeymoon phases end quicker when you are around the person all the time. Maybe you've never lost your job and car? I have. She would be foolish to waste her savings on living on her own out of pride instead of bringing that money to the table and helping the both of them. What, the guy might not be a good fit without a job and car but would be peachy if she has a job and car? Who makes life plans on Jeckyll and Hyde scenarios? In any event pride only gets you so far after savings run out. Been there too. 1
Author miss_jaclynrae Posted March 3, 2013 Author Posted March 3, 2013 Moving in and not having been together 6 months yet? Bad idea. And now he holds all the cards in terms of money and transportation? Very bad idea. If you guys get into fights, watch his leverage come to the forefront. Be smart OP. You sound like a kid rushing into something simply because its convenient and you want youre guy right next to you all the time. Honeymoon phases end quicker when you are around the person all the time. You haven't been following my posts, but we have been living together for the past 4 months already. I agree it is scary, which is why this all makes me uneasy. The fact of the matter is that this was the plan all along, my lease is up at the end of this month and it is either sign it again for however long, or just get rid of my own place and cut my rent in half and continue doing what we have already been doing. He has never used what he has as leverage and that is definitely something I will look out for. That wouldn't be ok with me, and you have no idea, we have thoroughly talked about it, only now I am unemployed.
Sanitarium Posted March 3, 2013 Posted March 3, 2013 OP don't you work at a car dealership? Car dealerships will hire almost anybody because employment is so low risk for them (they don't pay any real salary). You should be able to get another job in that field within a week really. Just walk into every dealership around and talk to the managers. Easy as cake
Author miss_jaclynrae Posted March 3, 2013 Author Posted March 3, 2013 How will you go on job interviews without a car? The job you get will have to be near public transportation and, in SoCal, good luck with that. People taking public transport are generally drunks, illegals and the mentally ill. I live in nor-cal, luckily we live near a busy shopping center and a main street, so public transportation isn't bad. Lots of crazy people, but I won't put myself above it. I was using it already for school to save money on gas, so I will deal. OP don't you work at a car dealership? Car dealerships will hire almost anybody because employment is so low risk for them (they don't pay any real salary). You should be able to get another job in that field within a week really. Just walk into every dealership around and talk to the managers. Easy as cake I worked for carmax... much different sales environment. Much better pay too. They wouldn't hire me, I can already tell you that. It is ok though, I am done with car sales.
Sanitarium Posted March 3, 2013 Posted March 3, 2013 I worked for carmax... much different sales environment. Much better pay too. They wouldn't hire me, I can already tell you that. It is ok though, I am done with car sales. Carmax better pay? huh? I looked up average carmax income and it's like 20-40K. Any big dealership will average about 40-60K a year in terms of average pay If you can't get hired selling cars, you're borderline retarded. Dealerships will hire anybody. I've dealt with so many sales reps who knew anything about the product
outsidethebox Posted March 3, 2013 Posted March 3, 2013 That isn't very nice, sanitarium. I think better pay referred to a steadier pay schedule at carmax versus commission sales, which could be next to nothing. Yeah, easy making big bucks with car sales must be why I saw pretty big turnover through the years. Can't be getting any easier these days.
kaylan Posted March 3, 2013 Posted March 3, 2013 Maybe you've never lost your job and car? I have. She would be foolish to waste her savings on living on her own out of pride instead of bringing that money to the table and helping the both of them. What, the guy might not be a good fit without a job and car but would be peachy if she has a job and car? Who makes life plans on Jeckyll and Hyde scenarios? In any event pride only gets you so far after savings run out. Been there too. Thats what friends and family are for. This isnt the time to rush and potentially kill a new relationship.You haven't been following my posts, but we have been living together for the past 4 months already. I agree it is scary, which is why this all makes me uneasy. The fact of the matter is that this was the plan all along, my lease is up at the end of this month and it is either sign it again for however long, or just get rid of my own place and cut my rent in half and continue doing what we have already been doing. He has never used what he has as leverage and that is definitely something I will look out for. That wouldn't be ok with me, and you have no idea, we have thoroughly talked about it, only now I am unemployed. I have been following your posts. You havent been truly living together. Just spending a lot of time at each others places. You just created a thread not long ago asking whether we thought it was a good idea for you to move in. I still think no.
outsidethebox Posted March 3, 2013 Posted March 3, 2013 Since you followed you would also know in OP post that she doesn't have contact with her family. I agree it's all over the place with this guy (should I move in, I have some savings vs I've been living with him for four months) and you all have a posting history so I defer to the posting history.
Els Posted March 3, 2013 Posted March 3, 2013 He has been amazingly supportive, and despite it all he still wants me to move in. I am personally freaking out because... well, I need an effing job. After a marriage where he took care of everything, I feel utterly powerless right now, and have a HUGE fear of this becoming what my last relationship was. What happened in your last relationship? Are you sure that there weren't any issues in it other than just the guy supporting you? Because plenty of LTRs involve one person supporting the other for a temporary period of time (or even permanently, like SAHPs) and work out fine. It isn't necessarily for everyone, but you should be wary of projecting issues from a past R onto the current one. Think about what your concern REALLY is and make sure that it isn't just carrying ex baggage over. If it isn't, then fine, don't move in with him; if it is, better to sort that out.
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