Is this a case of G.I.G.S?

[travelonic]

I made this a standalone thread since I noticed separate threads get much more attention than posts on the same matter tacked onto 50+ page long threads.

 

To start: This girl is about 3 1/2 years younger than I, she is almost 20, I'm almost 23 1/2. This was her first real relationship - this was my 2nd, the first one being, well, one that started OK, but quickly became crap because we [being the person I was dating at that time] didn't see each other more than 3 or so times per year - even when she was in town [went to college an hour and a half away from me].

 

We [being the girl in my latest now-dead relationship] met not this past October, but a year before that, roughly 16 months ago at the college we both go to. We met and almost instantly we connected ridiculously well. Turns out the number of similarities between us - not just mentally/behaviorally/ideologically, idealistically, but to small extents [aside from the obvious male vs female differences] - physically as well. [and yes, in spite of the similarities, there were glaring differences - but the similarities were enough where people wondered, "is that guy dating... his sister? 0_o" ]. We did not go into a relationship right away - in fact, it wasn't until 2 months later we decided to officially enter one. We did a ton together, and regularly Skype'd each other for anywhere from an hour to 4 hours. One of the biggest things that kept her looking at me was our unique level of similarity - made her feel less like a freak of nature, less alone [since she does have low self esteem, trouble being social [though when in a situation where she HAS to, does so quite well]. During the following spring semester a friend new to the school joined the group of friends we - being her and I - were in. She started getting a little crush-y, lusty towards him - by which I mean very little, to the point where she still was / seemed very much in control. He saw this, and kept himself away out of respect for us, knowing the consequences of letting it get out of hand. One of my friends talked to her [in general, not specifically], and in the conversation she said [about me] that I was the greatest thing to happen to her, and that she loved me dearly/wouldn't do anything to hurt me. Since we both had similar, if not the same, peeves, and issues, and expressed them the same way, we understood each other, and communicated in ways I can safely say others would DREAM to be able to do. We spent Valentine's Day, her birthday together - holidays [Easter with her and hermom, Hanukkkah, Passover, Rosh Hashana that fall even together, we got together and did things as often as we could on top of spending lots of time together on campus. During this time she was aware of the fact that I had been in a situation years back where my trust ha been betrayed where dating, being lead on, etc goes - which combined with other factors threw me into a deep depression that - had it not been dealt with - could have been lethal, so she was very conscientious about hurting me, and doing anything that would betray my trust.

 

The summer came, and went without incident. Then the fall came.

 

Her feelings became clear infatuation, and she started flirting with him - though she was consciously aware of this, especially when she saw it visibly upsetting me. One thing I need to note here is she has a hard time handling confrontations, or anything that will either possibly become one, or resemble one. On top of that, she has trouble asking for help - academic, relationship, etc, both in knowing who to ask, and what to ask - ESPECIALLY when it is a situation she has never been in before.

 

My birthday came and went in October, and we celebrated together - and at no time did I feel like her feelings were diminished at all. [the **** hitting the fan happened early in November].

 

The feelings were conflicting, she said, and she sought advice on how to handle it - which did set off some warning bells, but not strong enough for me ... until I found out [too late] that she sought advice on how to control herself and save our relationship from the very guy she was obsessing over [and gave her more of an excuse to flirt]. The Monday before the **** hit the fan and splattered everywhere I noticed she was on Skype, but not accepting my calls. The next day, we were together, then I went to class - and came back seeing her with him. That was very upsetting... that night, she cut off all communication - including Facebook, skype, etc, and went into a relationship with him that night. Up until the night before all this happened, in spite of her conflicted feelings - she said, and showed - deep feelings, affection towards me [and I to her - quite symmetrically too]. So much for that, after 11 months relationship + 2 months of getting to know each other as friends before that]

 

Obviously, I wanted some goddamned answers. The next month I finally got to talking to her - first alone, then the guy joined in. From what I garnered, she talked about "problems" that were really not problems at all - sure, they were a little annoying, but some of this was misunderstanding [like for example sometimes she'd be joking around, and I'd misunderstand her as being serious about something - sometimes the opposite occurred and she'd get ticked because she'd say something serious and I thought she was joking due to her tone.... but SOMETIMES she mistook something like a cough, hiccup, etc as me not being serious when we were having a serious talk - which was not the case at all. I also feel these feelings were exaggerated with this guy being brought into the picture]. She did say that thing WERE getting a little stale - and I did note how I was aware of this, and the possibility that it would hapen - and wanted to do what I felt was needed on my part to keep things from staling out [though at the same time I feel like that staling happened rather fast, as we were together as friends and in a relationship for a total of 13 months all together]

 

When the guy joined in, forget about it - it's odd, like a disconnect occurred. She said she had never "felt this way about anybody before" about the guy [which anybody who knew us - friends, family, etc, could say - due to the way we were around each other - was a load of BS.]. She wasn't sure how she felt when alone - as in, without the guy - but was very sure when he was around - and only when he was around. She also seemed - both when the guy was around and when he was not, unsure of some of the reasoning that she had for breaking up - whether some issues she had about our relationship were real, fixable or not, or if they didn't seem fixable if that was exaggerated feelings because of her conflicted feelings over me and this other guy, relationships, who she wants to be with, etc. She also said that they talked, and basically they told a story of her going head over heels for him over some story about strength - kid was bullied in middle school, found friends, overcame them, yada yada] - which they told me [after her wondering when he stopped giving in to her flirting] happened the day before the **** hit the fan. He, btw, gave into her flirting the night a nor'easter made getting off campus extremely difficult - resulting in him giving her his cell phone #. That night, if her mom didn't need her home to help out, she woulda gone home with me [and we woulda slept together], instead she ended up stranded on a bus for 6 hours. ~_~

 

The 2nd time we talked, she admitted that she felt horrible about breaking my heart, and "throwing away a good thing" [her words] - and she also kept reassuring me throughout it all that shouldn't blame myself, that it is all her fault - even though I didn't feel like blaming myself at all [mainly since I still wanted to figure out for myself what the flying **** is going on to begin with]. I said "don't be a stranger," to which she replied "I don't want to be a stranger" and before I left the conversation, she said "I love you." I just kept walking, tossing a Snapple bottle I was carrying into a bush nearby as I walked away. I fought the temptation to turn around, and even walk back towards her, and kept moving.

 

According to his friends, the guy did everything he could - though it feels like bull****, I see the likelihood of that being true [though I wish I'd get a direct answer to whether or not he sat her down and talked to her, told her 'no'] OTOH he is inexperienced with relationships, so who knows. They also say she also complains on Facebook a LOT about feeling conflicted about things regarding our breakup, feeling horrible, etc. Whenevr my friends see her walking around campus, and the once in a while I - unavoidably - cross paths - they, and I , noticed she looks upset or depressed more often than not even though apparently she is as affectionate in public as she was with me. [at this point, they've only bee officially together for little over 3 months I wager]

 

Interestingly enough, when anybody asks her what she sees in this new guy, you only get two things - emotional strength, and that he is - as a youtube personality would say - hot-hothothot-hot. OTOH if she was asked that about me before **** hit the fan, you'd get answers about how caring I was, how our similarities made us understand ourselves - and each other - better, how she no longer felt like a freak of nature, alone [even wen we were just friends she felt that way]. There is pessimism amongst friends that this will last, and that it will fall apart, especially since it seemed like his giving in to her flirting turned G.I.F esque infatuation into unhealthy obsession for the guy.

 

After continuing to make mistakes so far as trying to contact, talk to, plead to her - especially since I nearly made things catastrophically worse at one point, my friends pulling me back in time and keeping me from doing anything really stupid - as of two weeks and 3 days ago I initiated a rule for myself of absolutely NO contact at all - and avoid situations where I'd run into her on campus.

 

What do yous make of all this? Any degree of G.I.G involved? If not, what do you think is going on here? I do think my story is G.I.G.S - or at least very LIKELY G.I.G.S - given how the story, the actions thus far, the situations specfically match everything in the OP it seems, but hopefully others can/will chime in.

 

If it is in fact G.I.G.S, I wonder if the gravity of it all - what she did, who she is hurting, etc - will actually hit her hard - it seems like she is aware of the hurt going on, but not fully "aware" of it, as in it hasn't hit her yet. [is it normal - when going through the pain of being dumped by a G.I.G.S to wonder if the gravity of what they did will hit them someday?]

[creighton0123]

I'm sorry. Very few people are going to take the time to read such a long post...

 

Summary: You met your ex a year ago. Things were great. You had a bunch in common despite a 3 year age difference. You both went away for summer break and came back for the fall.

 

She met another guy and you two broke up. You maintained contact trying to figure things out/fix the relationship until you initiated no contact about 3 weeks ago.

 

--------------------------------------------------

 

Look, buddy... why are you doing this to yourself? She broke up with you about, what, a month and a half ago? Hard to tell given your post. She hurt you. She might be hurting over it. It doesn't really matter, does it? Stop seeking answers when the answer is so simple: your relationship with this girl didn't work out. Keep up no contact and it will hurt less over time. You'll move on. She'll move on. If your friends report back to you on seeing her, tell them that you don't are to talk about it anymore and wish to move on.

 

Eventually, you'll get the warm fuzzies for someone new.

[blotter]

Best just to forget about this one, she's riding some other guy's jock now. Look at it this way, you are in college, there must be a ton of hot women just walking around waiting to be hit on. Don't waste your time on some twat that would drop you like that, when you could be spending your time with some other attractive young lady.

[travelonic]

Hope I don't come off as too condescending or anything now, but I can't help but feel that as well meaning as the replies so far may be, they miss the point considerably.

 

TBH, the pudding is in the details - which yeah, made for a long post, but if somebody really wanted to give input, and advice, IMO they should at least make an effort to read the story, and the details of the story at hand - since if you attempt to summarize the story, not only do you risk getting the summary wrong, but you miss a ton of important details.

 

Whether there are other hot women or not means **** to me, TBH - hot girls, girls with big tits meant **** to me compared to people who truly could appreciate somebody with the types of issues [ADHD, Aspergers, etc] since they themselves have the same issues, expressed them the same. Sure, this girl was blond hair, blue eyes, and HUGE boobs - but the only thing about that which mattered, believe it or not, was the blond hair + blue eyes [specifically, that they were the same degree of natural blond, same degree of naturally blue eyes, because of the similarities we shared on top of that] - the huge boobs aspect was immaterial to me [something she knew, and was even comforted by - as he was very insecure about whether somebody was using her to get sex, do sexual things.]

Edited March 3, 2013 by travelonic

[travelonic]

TBH, pardon for the double-post btw, yeah, my post is long, but reading threads here, I see a LOT that are as long if not in some rare cases longer and people have no trouble reading it, and making posts that respond to the info presented in the post [so length is not so much relevant to those who have the patience[.

[serial muse]

So, OP, I did read your whole post, but honestly, I don't see what pertinent details creighton missed. I'm not trying to be harsh, because clearly you're hurting - but I think the bottom line is simply that you got broken up with, and it hurts, and you're left wondering why.

 

I mean, we've all been there, but I don't know what difference slapping a label on it (GIGS) would do. She's agonizing on FB, but that doesn't mean she's changed her mind. If she does, I'm guessing you'll know about it through other channels. But I wouldn't hold my breath.

 

I'm sorry, man, this sucks, and I don't want to minimize your pain. It's cool to type it all out here - far better than doing so in a letter to her, for example! I get it; everybody's story is unique, in the details, and you obviously remember the details vividly. It happened to you, and it hurts, and that agony feels unique because it's your story.

 

It's just that the story arc is all too familiar to many of us, and this is how the concept of No Contact was born.

 

It really sounds like it's time to let this go. No Contact is meant to be just that - not "Maybe if I disappear for a while I'll hear from her". It's supposed to be giving yourself space and time to heal for the next relationship. Big boobs optional.

Edited March 4, 2013 by serial muse

[travelonic]

Contrary to what impression you may get - I mean "hope it hits her" not in "maybe she'll contact me" - but just that - eventually she realizes what she actually did, why I'm [hurting less now than back then, but still] hurting bad, and what she is missing out on while I heal and go on with my life.

 

[Not to say I don't hope that on day - if I am still single - our paths will cross again/we can try again, nothing wrong with thinking that if the circumstances are right/both people mutually feel like it that they try again, just not gonna let the idea interfere with my no contact, and with my healing process]

 

Maybe I didn't read carefully, but I wonder if my original question - possibly lost in all the verbiage of my OP - was answered ["would you say this is a case of G.I.G.S?]

 

I'll say though, this process was made difficult today. I walked from class to a building on campus where my friends and I hang out. When I reached the building, saw my ex exiting - having just finished... usually if we pass each other, she exchanged glances briefly, and kept walking, but today she just looked at me [which I could see in the reflection to the door]. I enter the building - she is still looking at me. Walk up three stairs into the hallway of th building and turn around... she's still looking at me. Talk about awkward, given how she usually just glances briefly and keeps walking the few time we have to cross paths on campus in a day.

Edited March 4, 2013 by travelonic