vanhalenfan Posted March 2, 2013 Posted March 2, 2013 (edited) I already know my take on this, but wanted to ask for other's opinions... I used to agree that it was okay to remain in loveless, sexless marriage for the sake of the children. I have changed my mind in the past 6 months and decided it was high time to begin the proceedings to get out. My husband (46) and I (29) are now separated (though not "legally") on our own terms. He moved out 2 weeks ago and sees the kids on Sundays, his only day off from work. He is not handling the separation well at all. I just got off the phone with him after an hour of constant arguing about "the terms" of the separation. He decided at the last minute today that he doesn't want to see the kids this Sunday (tomorrow). That sparked an argument as the kids already anticipated his visit and were looking forward to it all week. On the current terms, he comes to my house to see them. He is unwilling to "take them" anywhere or "meet me" anywhere to take them for the day. He actually lives 1.5 hours away, near where he works. His reasoning was that it hurts him too much emotionally to see them. This I just can't wrap my head around, but wanted to let him off the hook this weekend because I really didn't want an argument. However, he wouldn't let it go...This turned into other arguments that I feel are inappropriate to regularly bring up during a separation. Every few days, he wants to rehash old arguments because he can't accept this separation. I am so tired of answering the same questions, explaining everything again and again, and fighting. It was easier when he was living at home, when we ignored each other just about 100% of the time! I believe, that during a separation, we should each take the time to think about the situation without interference from each other (seeing & speaking), only have contact when dealing with the kids, do some soul searching, so to speak. I am also going to be attending Individual Therapy. MC is out at this point. Right now, I do not feel this marriage is salvageable and I am 100% sure that I'll be filing before the Summer. My husband, on the other hand, wants to work on the marriage. I am not on board. I think it's best to move on. Right now, I am working on finding a job to support my kids, finish up obligations with the school (through the end of the school year), and hoping by the Summer - God willing I find a job - I can finally push this divorce through. Husband agrees with this one day, then the next he is pushing for reconciliation. I wish I could file right now, but I need to find a job and finish up those obligations to move on. Luckily, he supports that to a point (waiting for me to get everything together before jumping the gun). The filing is in my hands anyway as he is unwilling to file. *I also want to mention that he is more than likely going to be moving to his home country after the divorce! So, child support will be far and few between and he'll rarely see them. So he knows I need to get on my feet before divorce...This is a whole OTHER story... I realize I rambled on quite a bit here. The original question I had was if it was prudent to remain in a horrible marriage for the sake of the children. Obviously, you know my answer. My husband thinks we should remain married, albeit unhappily. I think that is an unhealthy environment for the children. They need to see proper behavior between a husband/wife or boyfriend/girlfriend. Children learn these models at an early age. They are already 5 years old (boy/girl twins) and have witnessed NO affection between my husband and I. My daughter is starting to question this already (coming home from play dates at friend's houses where there is a happy marriage). Also, I want to be happy as well. I want someone I am compatible with, have common ground with, can be happy with eventually. I KNOW I am not ready for that right now. I have a lot of issues to work on personally in therapy/counseling (self-esteem, confidence, etc.) I don't want a relationship right now, and that includes this marriage. I want to also offer a quick background of the marriage, as to why we are so unhappy. I was very young when we were married (eight years ago...I was 21) Our age difference doesn't have an effect as I prefer older men naturally. The problem is more of a compatibility/cultural difference. He comes from Turkey, born and raised. Values are different. We also share no common interests. He is very anti-social, while I am very, very social. I prefer an outgoing, social and spontaneous man (though turned a blind eye in the beginning and thought it wouldn't matter, but it very much does matter to me after all.) He doesn't like to participate in hobbies that I do at all - music and outdoor activities like camping, hiking, fishing, water sports like boating, jet-skiing, etc. He is 100% unwilling to even try. He would rather sit at home ALL the time and watch Turkish TV. (Yes, ALL the time) I feel like I "lost myself" in this marriage. Up until 6 months ago, I threw away my hobbies and interests for him. I was all kids, all the time. That's all I did. Stay home and care for the kids. I had no personality but "being a mom". That was all I did. And cater to my husband around the kid's schedule. I did this for years and years and completely ignored myself and my needs. Well, 6 months ago, I had had enough of 'forgetting myself'. It first started in the Summer. I took the kids boating and fishing, alone. It was great! We started hiking and camping, too. Little by little, I was introducing them to the lifestyle I grew up in, what was important to me, and what I wanted my kids to experience. Then, I started listening to my old music again, mostly Classic Rock (which really p*ssed off the hubby!) I got back into singing and dancing. I took up dance, and also enrolled my daughter in dance classes. (She loves it, by the way! She also loves singing and music in general, like me.) I was finally finding my OLD self I completely let go of when I got married. And sharing that life with my kids. I would have loved to share it as a family (with my husband), but he is 100% unwilling and has told me so many, many times. He won't even try. As the Fall turned into Winter, I realized it was time to stop faking this and living in this sham of a marriage. It was over. It has been YEARS since affection was shared between us. I miss this a lot. Everything included with the opposite sex - from simple affection to sex (which is important to me as well, just like everything else I "lost"), I had nothing at this point. It was obvious to everyone that this marriage was hanging on by a thread...one thread...The Kids. I also want to add that it is very important for me to SHARE in these interests with my significant other. I know some people can enjoy their own interests alone, separate from their partner, but that is not me at all. I think it can work if the couple has at least some common ground to work from (like 2 or 3 shared interests at least), but my husband and I really have nothing to work with here. These things are too important to me, anyway. There have also always been intimacy issues between us, too. I actually love sex a lot more than he does. He is very boring, not very spontaneous in bed. Didn't bother me at first. Intimacy shut off completely a while back (mostly by my doing as I just wasn't attracted to him in any way anymore because of all of the issues combined in the marriage). Terrible thing to say. It can never come back between us, and it's important to me as well so there could never be a marriage or reconciliation because of this. It's so far gone...The entire marriage. Yet he would stick around for the kids with no affection, sex, common interests, nothing? I can't think of anything worse! I'm surprised I made it this far. It's a wonder, for sure. So...Given the history, do you think "kids" are enough of a reason to hang around? Do you agree with my husband? No matter the answer, I am pretty certain I'll have to file. I am just curious as to what you think of this situation. I haven't read one quite like it here on LS. Thanks in advance!! Edited March 2, 2013 by vanhalenfan
jf2good Posted March 2, 2013 Posted March 2, 2013 (edited) If you like older men we should get married after I divorce, just joking to lighten up the situation. I absolutely think you are doing the right thing. I am sorry your husband wants to fight with you over the situation. You can't live in a loveless marriage forever, I did the wrong thing of looking for love outside the marriage, staying married for the kids and other like minded reasons. However, that was more damaging than divorce I believe now in hindsight. Why cant we be born with hindsight it would make life easier. I can relate about the cultural stuff, my wife is Korean, she watched her Korean dramas all by herself while I did stuff with the kids. She never Americanized herself even though she got her citizenship. What I am saying about being Americanized is not giving up your culture but adding to it, me wife would only do things like work for Asian run businesses saying she couldn't work an American job like walmart and so on. i would state the facts that the majority of people working at McDonalds, Walmart, etc are not native born US citizens. Not to digress. You are doing the right thing. I am glad your remembering yourself now. Edited March 2, 2013 by jf2good
Gunny376 Posted March 3, 2013 Posted March 3, 2013 Hands down everything I've read about it ~ its the children themselves who wish or wished they're parents would go ahead and get divorced, and go and find someone that they can be happy with. Should you want to delve further and in depth on the subject I would suggest you read Second Chances" and "Growing Up Divorce" Second Chances: Men, Women and Children a Decade After Divorce: Sandra Blakeslee, Judith Wallerstein: 9780618446896: Amazon.com: Books http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss_1?url=search-alias%3Dstripbooks&field-keywords=Growing+Up+Divorced
Juls64 Posted March 3, 2013 Posted March 3, 2013 In my situation, it was absolutely the right thing to do, staying together for the children. My husband and I were much more compatible as far as background, culture, and interests. If I was in the situation you face, I would have thought differently. You are very young to face a lifetime of unhappiness and incompatibility. It seems as if your recent choices are also healthy ones for your children. I believe you know what you need to do. Good luck! 1
GuyInLimbo Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 I used to think it was, at least, worth a shot. Two years ago, I was sitting with my therapist discussing, for weeks on end, how unhappy I was with my marriage. In the end, I decided I couldn't fathom not being around the kids a week at a time. That's now changed. I've come around to realize that kids know if you're unhappy. And I've had a few episodes where I would blow up at them for something...realizing it was because of how unhappy I am. Frankly, I do not want either of my kids to grow up thinking it's ok to settle with another person who doesn't fulfill them, make them happy, etc. I gave up before I met my wife and simply settled, thinking that was the best I was gonna do. I want my kids to have HAPPY parents. Right now, they don't. And that won't ever change if we stay married.
Mr. Lucky Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 I also want to add that it is very important for me to SHARE in these interests with my significant other. I know some people can enjoy their own interests alone, separate from their partner, but that is not me at all. I think it can work if the couple has at least some common ground to work from (like 2 or 3 shared interests at least), but my husband and I really have nothing to work with here. These things are too important to me, anyway. I get the faintest vibe that you've already met someone whom you feel shares these common interests. Is that a factor in your wanting to end your marriage ??? Maybe I'm reading too much between the lines... Mr. Lucky 1
Author vanhalenfan Posted March 4, 2013 Author Posted March 4, 2013 I get the faintest vibe that you've already met someone whom you feel shares these common interests. Is that a factor in your wanting to end your marriage ??? Maybe I'm reading too much between the lines... Mr. Lucky No, there isn't anyone I'm having an affair with (EA or PA). Well, I do know 2 people already in my life as long-time friends who do share my interests and fit most of the criteria it seems, but there is no way I would pursue anything while still being married....lol...I knew someone was going to say this. I was going to mention it in the OP, but decided to leave it out Believe me, no infidelity here. I would have mentioned it if it were so because I want honest opinions/advice Thank you, everyone, for all of the advice! I really appreciate it. I know I've made my decision already. It'll just be a few more months. It's sad he'll be leaving the country (sad for the kids), and I only hope he's bluffing this. However, it seems to be a reality thus far. It won't be easy to swing it on my own 100%, but it must be done. I am tired of being so unhappy and can't let it go on any further. One day, it'll get easier, I am sure of this.
Aslanbek Posted April 8, 2013 Posted April 8, 2013 In theory it would be better for a couple in a bad marriage to break up....but I am in a bad marriage and don't want to be away from my kids and alone. I would like to raise my boys with two parents rather than a mother and an occasional visitor. I don't see any good way to resolve this.
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