My husband doesn't appreciate what I do as a mother

[Misa Misa]

I am a full time mom, our son is 10 months old and I do all the housework, including cooking, cleaning, paying bills, shopping for groceries, etc. When I tell my husband at the end of the end that how I feel tired from all the works, he tells me that I don't do anything at home everyday and he thinks all the houseworks are not suppose to take much time. He thinks he is making all the money and I am just using his money. He told me to obey him and no complains about taking care of our baby and doing all the housework since it is my responsibility. I feel really hurt after hearing his words. I feel he doesn't appreciate what I do. Last night, I can't help to fight with him for what he said. After the fight the next day, he sleeps in, and I still have to wake up at 7am to care for my baby. Sometimes, I feel living with a man like this is desperate. I understand he is working hard to make a earning, but I need him to understand being a housewife and a mom is very hard either. When I told him this, he thinks I am complaining. How do I make him appreciate and understand?

[dichotomy]

A stay at home mom (or dad) who does everything - cooking, cleaning, shopping, baby care..... is a darn well full time job. He never says "thank you" or "nice dinner" or "the house looks nice?"

 

Does he ever complain about his work? If he does thats an opening to share your job. but If he never complains about his work, perhaps he is just that way.

 

You mention he used the word "obey" does he have a conservative religious affiliation?

 

He is so lucky to have a job that pays well enough - and a hard working wife/mom willing to manage the entire home and children for him. Sometimes I wonder why people are unaware what they have.

Edited March 2, 2013 by dichotomy

[Whatitistoburn]

Misa misa, i am sorry about your situation. How long have you been married and when did he start treating you like this? i hope you dont mind me asking.

 

You need to have a serious talk with your husband. He can't keep treating you this way. He can't keep looking at your arrangement like this. He needs to be reminded that THIS IS MARRIAGE and you are HIS wife and the love of his life who is taking care of YOUR (YOURS & HIS) baby. He did not marry you to OBEY HIM like a maid or nanny that he hires to clean the house, make him dinner and take care of his baby. A nanny is probably treated way better. Well, when we had a maid, we did treat her with respect and we did appreciate her work and how hard it is to keep the house looking nice and clean everyday. He needs to change the way he looks at things and treat you with respect and love that you deserve. So, yes, talk to him. Explain how and why you feel this way and ask him why he feels what he feels and says what he says to you and how you can change that. Maybe you need to go out for a day while he stays at home and look after the baby for once so he'll realize that it is not easy to run the house and take care of a baby.

 

Thegame, i dont know about your situation at home but it all depends really. I am a stay at home wife with no kids only pets. I do everything in the house and it is a big property. Yes it is very difficult to keep it clean and pretty everyday and not only that, theres the laundry, dishes, disinfecting bathrooms not just hard, its a dirty work! Unless, were talkng about a very low standard in cleanliness here or a small apartment. Add a 10month old baby to that and you get a tired stressed out woman and sadly, she doesnt even get appreciation even just a simple thank you or like what dichotomy said, husband saying "the house looks clean or nice! She gets nothing except for "OBEY ME" or maybe "You do nothing but use my hard earned money. To think that once youre married its supposed to be a team effort. Both should help each other and its no longer just YOU and YOUR money, its now US, OUR dreams, our house, our baby our money.

[2sure]

He gets days and evenings off from his job, and you dont? He should be parenting on the weekends and giving you some breaks.

 

Obey? Let's see how easy he finds it to obey court orders. I'm sorry, that word has no place in a husband wife relationship.

 

You need to get a job, just to get a break from your job and to shut that man up.

[Whatitistoburn]

Misa, im sorry if i was brutal with my response... Sigh anyway Id like to suggest a different approach. when you guys talk, Id say let him express his feelings first. let him let it all out. ask him why he feels what he feels and says what he says to you and what he thinks you both can do to change that.

 

And then, Remind him that you are a team and you love each other so much and as a result of that love is a beautiful baby- you are a family now and thats a very beautiful thing!

 

Like what dichotomy said, did he ever complain about his work? ask him about work because he might just be stressed out or there might be something bothering him and he might be feeling as if no one cares about what he feels as no one bothered to ask and everyone seems to focus on other things but him. he probably feels left out. my sister who recently had a baby had the same problem. She told me her hubby didnt exactly say it but she feels he is jealous of the attention their baby is getting from her and she confessed how since she had the baby, she has somehow lost interest in anything else including sex.

 

Remember when a person is jealous and angry, that person can say really harsh things and that could be just what this is all about.

[Nyla]

You can make anybody understand your position. You can only try to convey how you feel but you cannot control someone else's thoughts. I think your husband is very wrong to dismiss your contributions as meaningless. It isn't as simple as you getting a job because I'm sure that you have your reasons to stay home with your baby; there is nothing wrong with being a SAHM.

 

Would your husband be open to marriage counseling?

[Trimmer]

You can make anybody understand your position.

Did you mean can't, by any chance?

 

OP, if you are willing to share, what country and culture are you living in, and are you and your husband both native to that culture, or are you from different backgrounds? Sometimes knowing what culture(s) are in play helps us to understand the context of your situation in more detail.

[TaraMaiden]

When I was a SAHM, I was scheduled to have a minor operation, which needed a 3-day hospital stay. My H took time out of his busy career, to stay at home with our 6-month old. On day ONE he came to the hospital to visit, and the first words out of his mouth were, "Well I really don't know how you do it, but she had me in tears within an hour.

 

And our first daughter was a 'text-book' adorable child.

 

So don't give me any BS about how easy you think it is, or that you have to 'side with the husband'.

 

OP, tell your H you have to go away for 3 days and can't take the baby.

 

Then leave him to it.

 

Just go.

Let him cope.

 

See how much he thinks you should 'obey' after that.

Edited March 4, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[TaraMaiden]

YOU do it, then see what she's talking about.

 

I doubt you've even been in the room, alone for 3 hours, with a demanding 10-month old, let alone experienced what parenthood is like.

Quit being sanctimonious and superior.

It's abundantly clear you have absolutely not a clue what you're talking about.

 

I know this for a fact.

 

because if you had young children you ever had to look after as a full-time job, as well as keep house - you wouldn't be spouting such rubbish.

[Nyla]

While I don't have children, I once worked as a nanny.

 

I found it very difficult and trying; a screaming baby made me weep after hours of doing everything I could to make her feel better. I looked after defiant kids who swore at me and it took every bit of patience for me not to smack them.

 

Being a nanny gave me a glimpse of what it is to be a SAHM; I'm glad I had that experience because it taught me that I am not suited for motherhood.

 

So I have a lot of respect for mothers who stay home with their children. It is NOT easy.

 

Trimmer, I did mean "can't". Thanks for the correction.

[Whatitistoburn]

I don't think that the OP was whining. If you reread her post, she stated that she tells her H at the end of the day that she is tired from all the housework. I dont think she went all whiny and naggy on the H when he just got home from work. Im sorry but i did not sense or feel any aggression from what she posted. She was only expressing her feelings to her H. She was trying to reach out and open up to him. Isnt that what we all are supposed to do - the man and woman in a relationship? Relationships wont work with no proper communication. Okay, so women are more emotional or are prone to emotional stress than men but that doesnt mean that we should just shut up and obey like robots. This is a marriage and the couple should talk things over otherwise, we will all end up angry and resentful. I understand that the husband might be stressed with work as well and that he thinks his work is more difficult, has more worth and can benefit the family more -thats his opinion and that could be true. So this is why the couple should TALK about the situation. If the H is tired, angry and stressed out, then why not tell the wife that. Why not tell the wife, "I know all the things that you do in the house is tiring you and stressing you out but i am also tired and stressed out at work." And tell her what exactly you want not just OBEY ME. If you want, Tell her, "if you can just let me rest for a while, have a beer and watch tv after work so i can recharge. We can talk about your day later" tell her what you want without insulting her. If its the other way around, if its the husband whos complaining to the wife about work, i dont think shell say "shut up, stop complaining, your work is not that hard and youre spending my money so just be happy and obey me!" And if she will actually say those words to the husband, do you really think the H will just smile and shrug it off?

 

In every relationship, communication and meeting the partner's emotional needs (its not just about sex and money!) are very important for it to work.

Edited March 5, 2013 by Whatitistoburn

[crude]

If housewives do so much work, then how come virtually no woman who makes a good living is willing to support a man so he can be a homemaker? Even high paid women with a desire to have children refuse to be the breadwinner, because the man would be a bum living off her according to her and her friends. If a male homemaker is looked down upon, so should a woman who does exactly the same thing in life.

[TaraMaiden]

hate to say it dude, but I personally know four women who earn more than their husbands, and whose husbands either work part-time from home while caring for the kids - or are, as we call them here, "Stay-at-home-dads".

 

And numbers are rising.

So I suggest you do a bit of research before getting on your high-horse.

[crude]

hate to say it dude, but I personally know four women who earn more than their husbands, and whose husbands either work part-time from home while caring for the kids - or are, as we call them here, "Stay-at-home-dads".

 

And numbers are rising.

So I suggest you do a bit of research before getting on your high-horse.

 

Then I don't know the right people, because when I suggest to some women I know that they marry a man who could stay at home with the children that these women claim they dream of having, they practically have a fit, as in no way, I make $250,000, I want a man who makes double what I do, I'd NEVER support a man who does nothing all day.

[TaraMaiden]

Fine.

But like I said, a quick bit of research would have exposed your comment as flawed.

 

Simply because you don't know the right people, doesn't mean they don't exist or are in the minority...

[kristismiles]

When I was a SAHM, I was scheduled to have a minor operation, which needed a 3-day hospital stay. My H took time out of his busy career, to stay at home with our 6-month old. On day ONE he came to the hospital to visit, and the first words out of his mouth were, "Well I really don't know how you do it, but she had me in tears within an hour.

 

And our first daughter was a 'text-book' adorable child.

 

So don't give me any BS about how easy you think it is, or that you have to 'side with the husband'.

 

OP, tell your H you have to go away for 3 days and can't take the baby.

 

Then leave him to it.

 

Just go.

Let him cope.

 

See how much he thinks you should 'obey' after that.

 

Yup I did the same thing. Went away for 3 days. Alerted all family and friends they were not to help and were not to come visit play or babysit the kids. Worked wonders on our relationship...try it.

[whichwayisup]

I am a full time mom, our son is 10 months old and I do all the housework, including cooking, cleaning, paying bills, shopping for groceries, etc. When I tell my husband at the end of the end that how I feel tired from all the works, he tells me that I don't do anything at home everyday and he thinks all the houseworks are not suppose to take much time. He thinks he is making all the money and I am just using his money. He told me to obey him and no complains about taking care of our baby and doing all the housework since it is my responsibility. I feel really hurt after hearing his words. I feel he doesn't appreciate what I do. Last night, I can't help to fight with him for what he said. After the fight the next day, he sleeps in, and I still have to wake up at 7am to care for my baby. Sometimes, I feel living with a man like this is desperate. I understand he is working hard to make a earning, but I need him to understand being a housewife and a mom is very hard either. When I told him this, he thinks I am complaining. How do I make him appreciate and understand?

 

"Hey honey, I'm going away for a girls long weekend, see ya." Long weekend as in Fri, Sat, Sun, and Monday!

 

He'll learn that it's not easy..The hard way.

[kristismiles]

The vacation idea might backfire. If she leaves and he has no trouble taking care of the house then she will have zero argument in the future.

 

don't agree. 4 days with a ten month old is very difficult. He will learn real quick how much time the ten year old takes up and he will learn that it is a 24 hour job and he needs to help when he's home.

[Els]

The vacation idea might backfire. If she leaves and he has no trouble taking care of the house then she will have zero argument in the future.

 

Yeah, and if the sun goes supernova, we're all screwed.

 

Happy to place bets on either.

[CarboniteCammy]

I'm a working mom and I can tell you from someone who works 8 hours all day and then comes home to care for an infant that it feels like I have two full time jobs, even THOUGH my husband does help.

 

My little dude is 8 months old and is a really good, easy, sweet baby and he's *still* an awful lot of work. Then, trying to keep the house clean and dinner on the table OMG and do laundry and keep bills straight... It really does take two.

 

If childcare and housework were so darn easy, there wouldn't be so many daycares and house keepers making so much money.

 

And frankly, should my husband ever come to me and ask to be a stay at home dad, I'd really take it into consideration. Just like if I asked him if I could be a stay at home mom. Same difference in our household.

[nofool4u]

Misa. Was being a SAHM something you both agreed was a good idea?

 

Only reason I ask is if you wanted that for your kids, but he wanted you to work, that may be the source of his insensitivity. And thats not your fault, just something he would have to suck up. If anything he should take pride in knowing he can provide for the family and that you can stay home and raise your kids properly. I'm neither pro or con when it comes to stay at home parents. Its something that both spouses need to talk about beforehand.

 

So if this was the case, you might want to talk to him about his insensitivity and if that is the reason why he is acting like he is. As far as not doing anything all day, you should keep an list and times of what you do. You shouldn't have to do that, but if you are to get him to stop being a jerk about it, it wouldn't hurt.

 

Tell him straight up, you work all day, he works all day, and at the end of the day, the duties should be shared. Thats raising a family!

[nofool4u]

The vacation idea might backfire. If she leaves and he has no trouble taking care of the house then she will have zero argument in the future.

 

That happened in my situation. My x-wife was a SAHM. We agreed to it and I didn't mind being the only bread winner, although the extra income would have been nice. But I took solace in the fact my kids were at home and not at a daycare(not that there is anything wrong with that). Not only that, when I came home, I immediately started picking up the house and took care of other things in the house, like the home repairs, paying bills, washing dishes, etc. Also most nights I'd watch the kids so she could go over to her mother's house and unwind.

 

She went with her mother to visit a dying aunt(or that was the story anyway;), and I took vacation to stay home with the kids.

 

Taking care of the house wasn't a problem. It wasn't any harder, or easier than a full work day. To me, work is work, unless we are talking ditch digging or something that requires physical exhaustion.

 

It was easy to see that while it wasn't strenuous work, it required time and patience. And even though I never said anything like what OP's H says to her and supported her staying home, I think she was hoping she'd come home to me saying, "I don't want to ever do that again!!" Because it wasn't the case.

 

She came home to a pretty much spotless house and the kids weren't hanging from the ceiling

 

So it could backfire if the H had a trouble free time of tending to the house and kids. But my situation was different. I didn't have the attitude the OP's husband has. I'm sure this H would get frustrated that he'd have to stay home and take care of the house/kids and couldn't wait to get back to work.

 

But even then I don't think it would change his attitude, might make it worse.

 

I think she needs to sit him down and talk about the disrespect.

Edited March 13, 2013 by nofool4u