Is there any hope of this working out or should I end it now?

[ChristineP]

My boyfriend and I (21, 20) have broken up once before, he was depressed and stressed and didn't know how he felt about me, and needed space. He said later that he had been on some dates and talked to quite a few girls and didn't find anything, and missed me a lot which is why he came back.

 

We got back together, and things were better than ever, then he started to pull away again.

We have few things in common when it comes to day to day interests, but we think a lot alike and have a lot of the same values, beliefs, and stuff. Lately this has been an issue of confusion for both of us.

 

We have both wondered why we work together, if we have so little in common. It's not just him being an ***, I feel that way too sometimes. It's like there is a spark there between us but we can't figure out why or how to handle it or how we feel about each other. It's been a point of confusion and upset lately.

 

We have talked about whether we are right for each other and that maybe we should just end it, but neither of us is willing to let go yet. We're opposites in many ways, but we care about each other a lot and so far, neither willing to be the one to break us up. Last time he was pretty quick to end it, and now he hasn't and was the one to suggest some solutions. I'm not sure what's different.

 

So I don't know what to do. The thought of breaking up with him is horrible, but he's right in that there is something missing from our relationship. He suggested getting to know each other and meeting each other's friends and family, he seems like he wants to try and fix it, but I just don't know if that's just going to cause more pain down the road. right now i'm thinking that if we break up, it's going to have to be me to do it, but I'm just not sure i'd be ok with that....

 

We met and started dating so quickly that we didn't really know each other, and we spent so much of the couple months together just doing the same old staying in watching movies and making out that we still don't. He wants to get to know me better in different situations and meet the people closest to me. Those reasons make sense to me, I could see if he couldn't decide if he liked me *enough* because we don't know enough about each other so I'm having a hard time being offended by it or whatever. I sort of feel the same way, so I don't know...

 

I know this sounds dumb, and I honestly realize that I've found myself in a really weird situation, but any real advice on what to do, and why, would really be appreciated. Thanks.

[Hopeful714]

Well, you don't want to continue to be the fall back girl. And it sounds like neither of you are ready to let go.

 

My suggestion is take a step back, but he needs to properly date you. Sitting around watching movies and making out gets boring for anyone. The dates don't have to be expensive. Go for a walk, hike, bike ride. Go see something or do something. When you bring new experiences to the relationship, it gives you more to talk about, and like he said a chance to observe each other in different situations.

 

At this point...no need to involve family. And, if after several dates you don't feel like things are moving in the direction you would like and you are not both "feeling it", do both yourselves a favor and decide to part ways and go NC. If you don't, you will continue to play this game until one of you does find somebody they "feel it" for and the other will end up hurt.

[ChristineP]

Well, you don't want to continue to be the fall back girl. And it sounds like neither of you are ready to let go.

That's part of what I don't understand. If he really feels like we have nothing in common and he might be looking for something else, why hasn't he ended it. He's done it before. I've given him the option, but he seems like he wants to try and work it out. First he was saying "maybe this isn't fixable" then he was saying "i feel like I don't know you, maybe we should try and date more" (Which, I have to mention, I told him A HUNDRED BILLION TIMES BEFORE. lol. I kept warning him that if we didn't get out and do stuff we would end up not knowing each other very well)

 

 

At this point...no need to involve family. And, if after several dates you don't feel like things are moving in the direction you would like and you are not both "feeling it", do both yourselves a favor and decide to part ways and go NC. If you don't, you will continue to play this game until one of you does find somebody they "feel it" for and the other will end up hurt.

That's I kept saying, that we should figure out what we are doing before getting into family stuff. Friends, sure. I'm just not sure if I should be preparing for a break up even though he seems to want to work it out or what. I wasn't expecting this. I figured we would just break up for good this time, not him suggesting we date (like I've been saying for months). I guess I'm just wondering if this is him taking the easy way out this time, thinking since he's already broken up with me before, he wants me to end it this time...?

[Hopeful714]

Could be. You would be wise to withdraw quite a bit and prepare for an ending.

 

Let him be the one to take initiative with the calls, texts and plans for dates.

Basically live YOUR life, and keep HIM as an option.

 

If he steps it up and things work ...Kewl! If your not feeling that he is beginning to really like you...get out...or you will begin to be and feel used and like a doormat. And believe me...you don't want that. You will feel much better walking away with your esteem in tact.

[Hopeful714]

Also-if your going to "date" it might be nice to know if he will be dating others as well. You don't want surprises, and you should be able to have a CHOICE if you will be continuing to "make out" with someone who may be doing the same with others.

[ChristineP]

Also-if your going to "date" it might be nice to know if he will be dating others as well. You don't want surprises, and you should be able to have a CHOICE if you will be continuing to "make out" with someone who may be doing the same with others.

Oh yeah, definitely. I'm 99.99999% positive he meant staying together (bf/gf style) and just getting out more doing "date" activities. The other .000001% is because he said that he's afraid I don't know what I want (I haven't dated much) and he would almost feel better if I went out and dated or hung out with some other guys. He said he doesn't understand why I like him. This whole discussion stemmed from the fact that we're more opposites when it comes to interests than alike, and he's afraid we're going to end up hating each other because we have nothing in common. But on the other hand, he says that he really likes me, I'm totally different than girls he's dated, he likes doing cute things for me even though he always hated it with other girls, and that we complement each other really well. Hence my confusion.

 

 

I made it sound like all we do is grope. We talk a lot, it's just always in the same context. IF we stay together, we definitely have to get out more. I agree. He wants me to get to know his friends, and him to get to know mine too. It's just the not knowing if he seriously wants to stay together or if he's just trying to bring us down easy that's driving me crazy.

[Hopeful714]

I don't think 2 people need to initially have the same interests. You mentioned values, beliefs were similar and that is more important.

 

By spending more quality time doing things you can "share" your interests with each other. Also you don't want to become all intertwined so its good you have your own interests as well.

 

Don't put too much pressure on "where is this going" and just begin to date, get to know and enjoy each other. But always keep your boundaries in how he treats you. And of course...come here and let us know how its going!

[ChristineP]

So....Update. Honestly, I don't know if it's better or worse, but I feel miserable. My boyfriend and I had a talk maybe two or 3 weeks ago in which we didn't know if we were going to stay together. He says he likes me a lot and part of him wants to be with me for a very long time, but the other part of him thinks I'm not what he always pictured for himself.

However, he was the one to suggest things we could do together to strengthen our relationship. We didn't break up that night.

 

So after this conversation we didn't talk for several days, I had my pity party, crying my eyes out preparing for the break up, then he asked me to come hang out with him in his hometown over spring break. I went over and we hung out, I was expecting "the talk" when he would finally end it. We talked a little more about our issues, and when I hinted that we should maybe break up his face got flushed and red, I saw him frown out of the corner of my eye, and he seemed upset. The day ended up ok. It was a little awkward at first, but it turned out fine I think. We played video games and made out on the couch, haha. He kissed me goodbye, told me to have fun with my family (i was headed home) and said he'll see me in a couple weeks after break.

 

Now the problem is, he hasn't talked to me in a week now. No texts, no FB messages, no calls, no nothing. The way we ended that day seemed like we were both wanting to stay together, but now I have no idea.

 

I'm so confused, and I haven't gone without talking to him for this long in a LONG time, I miss him like crazy and I feel like throwing up every time I think about the situation right now. I don't want to bother him if he's taking this time to think about it, but I don't want him to think I don't miss him either.

 

HELP. :'(