OJ loved Nicole Posted March 2, 2013 Posted March 2, 2013 1.) Every relationship ends- Either by death or breakup, every relationship will end!! This day and age there are too many variables, too many choices/temptations for 2 people to have the same outlook/wants until death do you part. So there is a 99% chance that death will NOT end your relationship. 2.) Your ex will sleep/be with someone else- How many threads have you read: "we are on a break", then 1 month later "f**k, they are seeing someone else!!"? This is unfortunate but either 1 month, 6 months, 6 years down the road you will be faced with this fact (I understand there are VERY FEW exceptions). These are truths that I have discovered over my dating career. So........... Given these two truths: what do you think of them? What would you have changed about your last relationship? 1
Sexy Teddy Bear Posted March 2, 2013 Posted March 2, 2013 1.)Given these two truths: what do you think of them? What would you have changed about your last relationship? What do I think of them? Hmm. You said that 99% of relationships will not last until death. So I think I will be one of those 1% that do. And have a partner that would love me unconditionally and never cheat on me or be with someone else. Is that just a dream? Does that only happen in fairy tales? Maybe. That won't stop me from finding it though. What would I have changed about my last relationship? Not a damn thing. If she was too weak to make it through the hard times and couldn't handle the distance, then she was definitely too weak to handle my love. She was not for me. She made that quite clear when she took the easy route and left me for some guy that will only take advantage of her. 7
Hopeful714 Posted March 2, 2013 Posted March 2, 2013 I think that you are most likely correct. However I think the more emotionally mature you are when you "commit" to someone...any way that may be, the better chance you have for it to last. What would I have done different? -Create and demand respect for my boundaries from day 1. -Trust my gut instincts and run instead of hanging around to solve the puzzle. 3
todreaminblue Posted March 2, 2013 Posted March 2, 2013 relationships its all give and take....there needs to be a balance.... i fyou go into a relationship with a closed heart believing it will end...unfortunately it will eventually do just that
purplereigncb Posted March 2, 2013 Posted March 2, 2013 It sucks to find this out, even though I know I could do better. I couldn't change much about the end of our relationship. I stopped blaming myself for this. 1
Author OJ loved Nicole Posted March 3, 2013 Author Posted March 3, 2013 Now, where the focus should've been (or where I thought you guys would go) Rule 1- How many of you put a part of your life on hold, didn't do things you wanted to do, passed on jobs/parties/opportunities/etc. to avoid upsetting your ex (if I'm good he/she will stay)? So the real rule #1 should be "Your wants/needs/desires ALWAYS come first", your signifigant others are a close #2, maybe 1a. All relationships end means you pursue you, do the things you want to do. Your ex is a piece of the pie and not the whole pie. Rule 2- Kind of the same thing. How many of you (including me) passed up on opportunities thinking you'll get your ex back/your ex won't be with anyone else? My hand held high! The real rule #2 "Don't wait 1 second for someone who doesn't want to be with you". Given your ex WILL be with someone else, you are doing yourself a huge injustice by passing on opportunities to no hurt the chance of your ex coming back. This is not meant for you to go into your next relationship with a negative outlook, this is meant for you to do the exact opposite! You are/stay/improve as the person that attracted your ex in the first place. If they leave, your life is roaring forward instead of back on LS. 1
Hopeful714 Posted March 3, 2013 Posted March 3, 2013 I'll buy your revised #2. But, I think your revised #1 is a bit narcissistic. I dated someone that had the exact same view of "what he wanted came first". And that is exactly why I ended up here. My mistake.
Author OJ loved Nicole Posted March 4, 2013 Author Posted March 4, 2013 I don't like your handle. Is that sarcasm? No sarcasim "I feel that am falling and I have nothing to hold on to." "I love him so much and cant live without him" "this has torn my life apart." "I am so lonely (no friends, family) and I just want to sleep all day long.... i dont know how to move on" Real LS quotes (Several pages back to conceal identities) What don't you like about my handle? The people above did the exact opposite of truths I explained above (there were many many more quotes). They took their identities, flushed them down the toilet, and when their ex's left, their worlds were flipped upside down. Actually the people above forgot one of your rules too, "There is no such thing as the one". They "knew" they found "the one", that they'd be together forever and forgot about everything else, and the end was devastating. I think your revised #1 is a bit narcissistic. I dated someone that had the exact same view of "what he wanted came first". And that is exactly why I ended up here. My mistake. I never said make your gf/bf wants last, I said a close 2nd or 1a. I read you history, the guy you dated (as you explained) never cared about you, lied to you, cheated on you. You're needs weren't 2nd, they were never considered, "My needs didn't seem to matter" (your original words). I have a gf now that I love very much, but her needs are always 2nd to mine. I consider her ideas/wants/desires/needs, but I am the final say so. I don't cheat on, lie, steal, hurt my gf in any way. I wake up in the morning, decide what I'm doing and invite her along. If she comes along great!! If not, I leave her behind, go by myself/with friends. I do a lot for her because I want to and I love her, however I don't do a lot for her because I don't want to. When she or I leaves this relationship (either 6 months, 6 years, or 15 years down the road), my world continues with a small...... and you won't see a quote from me like the ones I provided above.
J_L_C Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 I am stuck on the whole "Don't be with someone who doesn't want to be with you". My ex broke up with me out of the blue and couldn't give me any reasons whatsoever. After pushing and prying, he basically said he had fallen out of love with me. He explained that he just needs to 'do his thing' for now and needs time and space apart to 'figure things out'. I realize that these things may actually have nothing to do with me and totally to do with him and trying to see where his life is going. He did explain to me that if a couple is to ever try again, it should be some years down the road because reconciliation early on will simply hasten another breakup. Do you believe it's possible for an ex to date around, get that time and space apart, and then eventually realize what they had with you WAS a good thing? Maybe dating others will show them the grass isn't always greener? But what if there has been TOO much time away from each other? Will they even consider you? Assume you've moved on far beyond them? 1
RiceaRoni Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 I am stuck on the whole "Don't be with someone who doesn't want to be with you". My ex broke up with me out of the blue and couldn't give me any reasons whatsoever. After pushing and prying, he basically said he had fallen out of love with me. He explained that he just needs to 'do his thing' for now and needs time and space apart to 'figure things out'. I realize that these things may actually have nothing to do with me and totally to do with him and trying to see where his life is going. He did explain to me that if a couple is to ever try again, it should be some years down the road because reconciliation early on will simply hasten another breakup. Do you believe it's possible for an ex to date around, get that time and space apart, and then eventually realize what they had with you WAS a good thing? Maybe dating others will show them the grass isn't always greener? But what if there has been TOO much time away from each other? Will they even consider you? Assume you've moved on far beyond them? I have been wondering the same...
purplereigncb Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 Honestly the grass can be greener on the other side. Let us not fool ourselves. Chances are the grass is greener. If we spend our whole lives waiting for them to find out it isn't we'll do ourselves an injustice. I say mow your lawn add some fertilizer make it greener, so that if at one point or another the grass gets yellow for them. You've got something more appealing for them or anyone. 1
JourneyLady Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 Honestly the grass can be greener on the other side. Let us not fool ourselves. Chances are the grass is greener. If we spend our whole lives waiting for them to find out it isn't we'll do ourselves an injustice. I say mow your lawn add some fertilizer make it greener, so that if at one point or another the grass gets yellow for them. You've got something more appealing for them or anyone. I kinda think that's the point. I know that the things I gave up to instead spend time with him would have greened my grass and been better for me than how things turned out. I would have >finished< remodeling the house, I would not have gone into debt, I would have either started a business or have income from books on the market by now. Instead I spent time and money "taking care" of him. I'm still intelligent enough and kind enough that someone somewhere sometime I am sure will be able to love me. But I can't get back the time and resources that being with him stole from me. In other words, I LOST the investment. When you lose that heavily, you lose faith to some extent. And maybe someone somewhere else will lose by your not investing heavily in that relationship when maybe they are capable of going the distance. I gave up too much. I lost touch with friends because he didn't feel like going out. (Suddenly he's alone, so now he does.) I didn't start a business like I wanted because he couldn't be bothered, and now I have to sell the place I wanted to start it in. Don't ever try to go the distance with someone not equally invested. It always fails. And know whether they are by their actions and do not take any excuses.
Hopeful714 Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 No, my needs didn't matter. I never tried to retract that before, nor am I now. I get what your saying pretty much, but to me it lacks compromise which is an important component of a RS. Why should 1 person make all the final decisions for the couple? Basically that's like saying "my way or the highway". And many women and men don't put up with that for too long. But, if you feel that no relationships last, then that may be what works for you. And that's fine...I'm not flaming you. But I don't want a RS like that. Don't speak for all...I never "flushed my identity". My devastation came from the realization I was dating a fake... phoney...who made a dating career built on cheating and lies. And yes, this happened to girls before me as I so I found out. He's good at his game. Lastly, I was the one who ultimately walked away and finished it. Because I knew I would never get anything worthwhile from the relationship.
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