Moving in together

[loserinthegame]

Hello!

 

I'm a newbie here, but with a question for the wise folks of this forum.

 

My husband has been living in Europe since 2010, job-related. He has been coming home whenever he could. However, our marriage was strained, due to separation, but also due to stressful child-rearing. Offspring is now in college, but still living with me.

 

This past week, I accidentally discovered that my husband is now living with another woman. He had been visiting home just before my discovery, and things were going really well for us. I suggested a cruise to find time for ourselves again, to which he agreed. A day after he left, he accidentally sent me a text that was meant to be for her. It pulled the rug out from underneath my and our child's feet. Turned out everyone but we knew about it.

 

I reacted calmly, no tears, no scenes, but was deeply hurt! There is an ocean between us, so the phone was all I had. He said this had been going on since October, and by January, she moved in with him already, directly leaving her husband, and her child behind. She is Thai, working at a massage parlor, and finishes up her second marriage since she is in this European country within ten years. She came on to him. It pains me to no end.

 

He told me he was unhappy with me, but when he saw it was going better with us, felt uncomfortable, since he already had this OW. He does not want to be married to me any longer. His family and friends over there support him, casting me in a somewhat negative light, which may be a result of how he painted the picture when he talked about me.

 

To me, OTOH, he says that he knows that I am a loyal, decent, faithful, and honest woman. I supported all his professional moves, stood by him in times of need, or just bad times. Our communication was not going well, but after talking to him, it turns out more often than not, we want the same thing, just approaching it differently. We have many common interests, and a 25 year history together. He's in his mid-50s. I would so much try again with him, given the history and common interests, and the fact that the stressful child-rearing is now over. He, OTOH, wants to have this new relationship, as she never nags. I don't see much compatibility between them. There's even a language barrier, they're nowhere near equals intellectually.

 

I suggested to move forward with the divorce, but he seems reluctant now, all of a sudden. He wants to continue the way things are right now.

 

I struggle so badly with this new situation. Today, his best friend told me I lost, deal with it, and move on. Yikes!!!!

 

Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated. Thanks so much!

[Mr. Lucky]

I suggested to move forward with the divorce, but he seems reluctant now, all of a sudden. He wants to continue the way things are right now.

Do you want to continue to play house with him when he's here and then send him back to his "other" wife in Europe ???

 

If not, I'd do more than "suggest" divorce - I'd file. Child out of the house, husband has obviously - both in word and deed - moved on, time to think about you. If you're also 40's or 50's, you've got a lot of life left, both chronologically and romantically. Time for the obvious next step, see an attorney...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Yasuandio]

Hello!

 

I'm a newbie here, but with a question for the wise folks of this forum.

 

My husband has been living in Europe since 2010, job-related. He has been coming home whenever he could. However, our marriage was strained, due to separation, but also due to stressful child-rearing. Offspring is now in college, but still living with me.

 

This past week, I accidentally discovered that my husband is now living with another woman. He had been visiting home just before my discovery, and things were going really well for us. I suggested a cruise to find time for ourselves again, to which he agreed. A day after he left, he accidentally sent me a text that was meant to be for her. It pulled the rug out from underneath my and our child's feet. Turned out everyone but we knew about it.

 

I reacted calmly, no tears, no scenes, but was deeply hurt! There is an ocean between us, so the phone was all I had. He said this had been going on since October, and by January, she moved in with him already, directly leaving her husband, and her child behind. She is Thai, working at a massage parlor, and finishes up her second marriage since she is in this European country within ten years. She came on to him. It pains me to no end.

 

He told me he was unhappy with me, but when he saw it was going better with us, felt uncomfortable, since he already had this OW. He does not want to be married to me any longer. His family and friends over there support him, casting me in a somewhat negative light, which may be a result of how he painted the picture when he talked about me.

 

To me, OTOH, he says that he knows that I am a loyal, decent, faithful, and honest woman. I supported all his professional moves, stood by him in times of need, or just bad times. Our communication was not going well, but after talking to him, it turns out more often than not, we want the same thing, just approaching it differently. We have many common interests, and a 25 year history together. He's in his mid-50s. I would so much try again with him, given the history and common interests, and the fact that the stressful child-rearing is now over. He, OTOH, wants to have this new relationship, as she never nags. I don't see much compatibility between them. There's even a language barrier, they're nowhere near equals intellectually.

 

I suggested to move forward with the divorce, but he seems reluctant now, all of a sudden. He wants to continue the way things are right now.

 

I struggle so badly with this new situation. Today, his best friend told me I lost, deal with it, and move on. Yikes!!!!

 

Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated. Thanks so much!

 

GET AN ATTORNEY MONDAY MORNING AND FILE FOR A DIVORCE AS PITITIONER, ASAP. If he has his own attorney in the US, hopefully, you can have him served there.

 

You have to accept it is over and done - at least for now. He has probably been doing this for some time anyway. I am very sorry to have to be so blantent with you - but now, you have to look out for your own interests. Do you work? Do you have access to the credit, to the money? All of these things need to get straight real fast before he does it.

 

He thinks your so stunned, blind, and in-love with him that you are just going to sit there and cry, beg and spin like a top. He has no idea you will get you azz in gear and sew everything up by Monday afternoon.

 

I don't know your financial situation. But, in my case, I needed a bulldog, cause I knew that is what I'd be up against. But you can only get a bulldog if there is dough in the estate. Otherwise, get anyone just to get this thing filed, and sew up the money and credit cards before he gets the chance. A emergency temporary order can be issued.

 

Stop talking to his colleages. Tape record conversations. Find out a way to tape record the phone calls, and have a session with him about the new girl, and the details. Get moving to Walmart or Best-Buys and get the device you need NOW. Don't tell ANYONE what you are doing.

 

Which state or country do you live?

 

Get all the credit cards on-line so you can watch what's happening. Get on-line with the cell phone account so you will know when he contacts an attorney. Do it. This will keep you mind off the crisis for awhile. You must protect your interests.

[TailSpin75]

Hello loserinthegame - sorry to hear your situation. I completely agree with Yas. I am in the process of divorce (3 months in) but lived in a state of 'limbo' for the 2 months prior. I can tell you from my own experience that being in 'limbo' was far worse than finding out that divorce was the choice.

 

The position that you're in is horrible and completely unfair. My STBX had an emotional affair and somehow when I found out - I was the only fighting to save the marriage. It's a torturous position to be both the victim and the only one fighting. Yas is on point with in the direction that will serve you best. It is a painful choice and road to take but (again from my experience) - the one that is less agonizing.

 

I do wish the best for you and am sorry to hear of your pain...

[loserinthegame]

I don't have access to any of this on his end. His phone is a work phone. I don't even see the paycheck. But yes, I do work. And no, definitely not going to play house. It would be too painful, and most certainly just on his terms. My son would love for him to visit, me not so much!

 

My concern is also with her. She lives with him, rent and board free. He supports her, and possibly her kids, too, even though they live somewhere else.

Edited March 2, 2013 by loserinthegame

[Yasuandio]

In this case, it is even the best position to take if your desire is to reconcile, which may or may not be possible. You are going to have to pull a hard left turn on him, baby. You gotta make him pee himself - bring it on, SHOCK and AWE. It all comes down Monday, period.

 

If it makes you feel any better, the process can be stoped at any time. Get some talky-talk, chat-chat, boo-hoo recorded, details, massage palar, some "are you sure's?" and "when did this begin, duh" etc., some crocodile tears (tonight and Sunday you will be distraught - collecting data). When you get the whole ugly story and confession on tape - NC after once papers are served.

 

Tell your attorney you want the papers walked over to the Court house immediately, or no later than that afternoon, or 8am Tuesday morning. Push the attorney. If you can file for grounds of Adultry in your state, do it. Just do it to stun him. It can always be changed to Irreconcilable Differences or whatever.

 

Now! You got work to do.

 

How can you find out who his attorney is without asking him? It doesn't matter what attorney he uses for what. The attorney only needs to be his representative, to receive the filing on his behalf. It will be so much easier.

 

I'm telling you, don't screw around and waste time - he has been planning this all along, and has thought it through - probably already has a little fund set aside overseas. All you can do is tie up the money and credit you have access too. A Judge might be able to do more with an emergency Temporary Order.

[Yasuandio]

I don't have access to any of this on his end. His phone is a work phone. I don't even see the paycheck. But yes, I do work. And no, definitely not going to play house. It would be too painful, and most certainly just on his terms. My son would love for him to visit, me not so much!

 

My concern is also with her. She lives with him, rent and board free. He supports her, and possibly her kids, too, even though they live somewhere else.

 

Maybe you do not have access to a couple of the things listed herein. All the more reason to do the other things listed. This is no time to be a crybaby. Concern for her? What? So she has free rent, he is getting free massages and screwing? Isn't that a fair deal? Why in the heck would you be concerned about that? Do you want to live up to this name you have given to yourself "Loser in the Game?"

 

Oh dear. I don't know about this. I gotta see something pro-active here, I think my advice may be falling on deaf ears. Good luck. Yas

[loserinthegame]

It will be an international divorce, and with this new law in effect in Europe, nothing will happen fast, because what needs to be looked at is in which country it would be best to file. I contacted an international divorce attorney via e-mail this AM.

 

To my knowledge, he has not atty at all. It is entirely possible that he has started stashing away some funds I would be entitled to, and that is why he wants to delay the big D. To gain more time. It's also possible that he is not sure if losing me in his life for good does not suit him at all. He told us we can keep the house, without paying him off, and split the retirement accounts, and he would continue to pay our kid's tuition. But I am not sure if he or an atty will change his mind once things will get real against his will.

 

We both live in a no-fault jurisdiction. What purpose would the recordings serve? Are they even legal documents in the court of law?

 

I don't think I could reconcile, as much as I would love to. The trust is gone.

[Yasuandio]

It will be an international divorce, and with this new law in effect in Europe, nothing will happen fast, because what needs to be looked at is in which country it would be best to file. I contacted an international divorce attorney via e-mail this AM.

 

To my knowledge, he has not atty at all. It is entirely possible that he has started stashing away some funds I would be entitled to, and that is why he wants to delay the big D.

 

Do not delay anything. If you possibly can, go over there and file, and get everything on record. They must do some interrogatory/documnet production there.

 

 

To gain more time. It's also possible that he is not sure if losing me in his life for good does not suit him at all.

 

Of course, it is going to hit him where it hurts. Don't give him time to figure anything out. You have a long marriage. He has bad conduct, fault or no fault, it influences the Judge that hears it.

 

He told us we can keep the house, without paying him off, and split the retirement accounts, and he would continue to pay our kid's tuition. But I am not sure if he or an atty will change his mind once things will get real against his will.

 

Don't make deals with the devil. The Judge gave me a heck of a lot more than any deal I was offered.

 

We both live in a no-fault jurisdiction.

 

I suggested grounds merely for effect, if it is possible. My husband used grounds and it made me real nervous.

 

What purpose would the recordings serve? Are they even legal documents in the court of law?

 

In my state, Georgia, yes. And I used them. And they saved my skin.

 

I don't think I could reconcile, as much as I would love to. The trust is gone.

 

I certainly can understand that. Very sorry for your situation. Yas

[loserinthegame]

Yas, nothing's falling on deaf ears. My concern for her was worded badly. I meant, I am concerned that he pours money into her, which are assets that belong to the marriage. I couldn't care less about her as a person. What type of person moves out from one marriage, and right in with another married man (after knowing each other for a couple of months), leaving her kid with a man that's not even his father, and now living with a step-sibling ten years older, but still no mother?

 

Of course I will move as fast as possible. As soon as I will hear back from this atty as to what the best course of action is, i.e. to file in my state, or over there.