benice Posted March 2, 2013 Posted March 2, 2013 Hey, I need some serious advice. I was with the guy for a year and twomonths. Everything was great, in fact I learned so much from my pastrelationship of 12 years that I felt confident in this one (not to repeat thesame mistakes of the past). I cooked, washed his clothes, drove him to thetrain station for work, and picked him up at the train station after work (thiswas only on my days off). I even paid for a ticket for him to go on vacationwith me because he could not afford it at the time. Then one day four monthsago, he tells me that I am not a go getter, and that because I’m self employedI don’t have medical, I don’t have a 401 K plan, and I need to focus on gettingmyself together. I listened and I started to make changes, not for him but forme, because he had a valid point. I got my resume done and started putting itout there. After we got back from this trip (and after meeting his family) hebecame distant, so I asked to talk. He came over and after talking to him hesaid that we were not on the same wave length, and that it’s not working out. Istarted crying and I said okay. Later on that night he came and got his things.He said to me he is not a monster, it’s just that I don’t understand. He alsosaid that it will hurt me but if I understood I would see it from his point ofview. I said ok, hugged him and said I respect his decision although it hurtsso badly but I respect it. Then he left. After two days, I found out that hisaunt died, so I called him up to give my condolences, and he said thank you.Later on that night he texted me to see how I was going, and I did not respond.Two days after he texted me saying that he sent me a text and got no responseand hope I am ok, and that there is a number that he needed of a mutual friendof ours. I texted back saying that everything is fine, gave him the number andsaid have a nice day. He then texted back saying thank you but FYI this is verydifficult for him also. I did not respond to that text. It is now two day laterand I’m depressed. I still love him very much and really want him back but don’tknow what to do. There was no real problem. I felt like this is something thatcould have been worked out or discussed. But then again he did say we are ontwo different levels. What should I do, can this still be worked out? I amdoing the No Contact rule, but the contact that I’m getting is trivialmessages. I want a substantial text of can we talk. Is it too early for me tosee anything? I’m doing very well with not texting or going crazy. [/sIZE][/FONT][sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman] [/FONT][/sIZE][sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman] [/FONT][/sIZE] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT]
Author benice Posted March 2, 2013 Author Posted March 2, 2013 Im hoping someone will respond soon I really need advice
SharkTooth Posted March 2, 2013 Posted March 2, 2013 Yeah, I know what you are going thru and it's horrible. I'm so sorry you are living this pain. It sounds like maybe something went array when you went off to meet his parents. I'm not sure that right now trying to figure out what went wrong will help. Try your best to keep things together and work on some things just for you and only you. If you feel that his advice was solid and you agree with what he said about finances, make the changes for yourself. Jump in and keep yourself very busy. Surround yourself with family and friends and try not to stay alone for to long. Disappear. Yep, the dreaded NC! I know this isn't what you would like to hear but give yourself a chance to discover the new you. One thing is certain, he will be back. It may not be next week or month, but they always come back. When that time comes, check him out. No one knows what's to come in the future but in the mean time, have fun, laugh as much as possible, and know that it will get better
Author benice Posted March 2, 2013 Author Posted March 2, 2013 (edited) Thank you so much for responding. I dont think that anything went wrong on the trip, we had such a wonderful time, and everyone liked me. I told him that his uncle reminded me of my grandfather who passed ( I loved him dearly). I'm well liked by others in our community, in fact some of his ex's was so mad seeing us together because I have a good reputation, and whatever chance they had, they felt that it would be lost by him being with me. He actually said to me that no one can say anything bad about you. He is well known to in our area. I think I know one of my mistakes, and its being too available, and always being there. I understand that men like a challenge, and once he got me, the challenge was over becuase I did not have a life. As far as my job I am self employed, and I make more than the average, its just that I dont have benefits. So my plan was to look for something with benefits even if it may mean a pay cut. Like I said, I helped him out a lot with his finances, so what was the problem here. Am I looking for him to call or text me too soon?. Its been 6 days. This may seam like a short time to others but its like 6 months to me....HELP what should I do? Edited March 2, 2013 by benice
Author benice Posted March 3, 2013 Author Posted March 3, 2013 This is the 7th day and I'm up early. The first thing I did was look at my phone, then check my email. Guess what, nothing, no text no email, no call. Im sick, sad. Is this to early for me to expect a call or text from him. I miss him sooooo much. Is he even thinking about me? I know, I know, no one knows the answer to that. Does anyone have any stories or situations where by someone dumped you and then called back to say they made a mistake?
thewrongonee Posted March 3, 2013 Posted March 3, 2013 This is the 7th day and I'm up early. The first thing I did was look at my phone, then check my email. Guess what, nothing, no text no email, no call. Im sick, sad. Is this to early for me to expect a call or text from him. I miss him sooooo much. Is he even thinking about me? I know, I know, no one knows the answer to that. Does anyone have any stories or situations where by someone dumped you and then called back to say they made a mistake? All i can say is that it gets better as days gone on, the first week is the hardest. Then eventually you will start to get used to it, also, don't worry about him... this is your time to make your self better. If he loves you, he will catch on, and then he will begin to miss you, but do not break the no contact, it will help you soo much i can say that with experience. By giving each other space, you can begin to reflect on the relationship and see what went wrong or if hes even worth having back. JUST stick to no contact, dont seem needy, and improve your self. it gets easier as weeks go by, i promise.
Author benice Posted March 3, 2013 Author Posted March 3, 2013 Thank you so much for that, it really helped me. Do you think that at day 7, I should send him a message telling him that I agree with the breakup and then go back into the no contact ? I have seen this in many other relationship advice. If they think you agree it makes them think you dont care also?...or should I continue the No Contact and just dont say anything?
fungusamungus Posted March 3, 2013 Posted March 3, 2013 Thank you so much for that, it really helped me. Do you think that at day 7, I should send him a message telling him that I agree with the breakup and then go back into the no contact ? I have seen this in many other relationship advice. If they think you agree it makes them think you dont care also?...or should I continue the No Contact and just dont say anything?No. Because you don't agree with the breakup. And if you did, you wouldn't feel the need to tell him so (there wouldn't be a point). It's not going to fool Let things play out without feeling the need to interject, patience is a real virtue here. Don't be needy, it will push him away further.
VintageSweetPea Posted March 3, 2013 Posted March 3, 2013 Hello Benice, I read you post a few times and something brings me back to the concern he had about your financial and health status. Does he have a 401 and Health insurance? It just seems odd and I think there's more to it than he is saying. The reason he gave you is vague and he is avoiding what the real reason is. I say you continue to not communicate back unless he is willing to really talk about the truth of the matter. I know it's hard when you really love someone and you just want it to go away so you can go on in a loving relationship. But this will not work out if these issues are not brought to the table. So stop looking at your phone and other devices and if you have a dog walk him instead or just get out of the house and do things. I know it's easier said then done but you need space and time away and to think about what kind of life you'd have with this kind of person. Be strong and it's OK to feel hurt and sad, but don't let it hold you back. Get out there and meet people, there is someone who will appreciate your efforts and you for who you are. Don't Settle....!! 1
soccerrprp Posted March 3, 2013 Posted March 3, 2013 Hello Benice, I read you post a few times and something brings me back to the concern he had about your financial and health status. Does he have a 401 and Health insurance? It just seems odd and I think there's more to it than he is saying. The reason he gave you is vague and he is avoiding what the real reason is. I say you continue to not communicate back unless he is willing to really talk about the truth of the matter. I know it's hard when you really love someone and you just want it to go away so you can go on in a loving relationship. But this will not work out if these issues are not brought to the table. So stop looking at your phone and other devices and if you have a dog walk him instead or just get out of the house and do things. I know it's easier said then done but you need space and time away and to think about what kind of life you'd have with this kind of person. Be strong and it's OK to feel hurt and sad, but don't let it hold you back. Get out there and meet people, there is someone who will appreciate your efforts and you for who you are. Don't Settle....!! Ditto. I read the original post a couple of times as well and it didn't all add up for me. I was also wondering if the guy had his act together. Does he have all that he things you should have? Does he have a great job now, is he a real go-getter? Did this change happen shortly after he got his act together? Or not? Keep with NC. If you agree, as it seems you do, that he made some good points, then do it for yourself. On the surface, his suggestions are good, but what motivated or precipitated them is suspicious.
Author benice Posted March 4, 2013 Author Posted March 4, 2013 Thank you so much for responding and giving me some insite, if I could hug each one of you and give a big Kiss I would.....I have never been in such a situation. It would have helped if I cheated, stole, cuss at him, nag, smell bad, look bad, is dirty or untidy etc. Then I would say I deserve it. But all I did was be nice, loving supportive, loyal, friendly, helpful, kind, understanding, etc. I really think that is the point it was to comfortable for him, and like two of you said there is more to it. Okay I am going to continue the no contact, and I will keep you all posted. Thank you so much.
Author benice Posted March 4, 2013 Author Posted March 4, 2013 Also I forgot to mention that he does have a good job, health care 401 K etc. But, he has to pay child support for two kids in the amount of 1600 a month. So I make more than him right now. I work hard, and make the money, I dont ask him for a dime, in fact he depended on me a few times for funds when he was short. So i am very independent. I just dont get it ....
Author benice Posted March 5, 2013 Author Posted March 5, 2013 I did the no contact thing for a week, but in the week he texted me 3 times to see if I was doing ok. I replied last night after a week and said Im fine thanks. He then replied thanks for answering. I then texted him saying that he does not need to text me to ask if I am ok, and that everything will be ok I agree with his decision because it would have happened later down the line, and that life goes on. he then said he is fully aware that he hurt me and that he knows there is a multitude of thoughts in my head about it, and that all he can do is ask for my forgiveness and understanding. I then called him and said I forgive him, but I dont understand why, but its ok, and I said goodnight. That was that, nothing like sorry can we work this out nothing. Like I said I did nothing wrong, and I love him so much, I dont know how to go on right now. I thought No contact would work but he seams very sure he does not want to be with me. What should i do now? Has anyone gotten back with someone after they seam sure they dont want to be with you?
Recommended Posts