RaZiel Posted September 4, 2004 Posted September 4, 2004 First I'd like to say hello to everyone on the board. I have been in a serious relationship for about 9 months now. She and I were friends for a short while before we started dating but once we started dating we went from casual to committed almost over night. To complicate matters we are quite a few years apart in age and only a couple of months into our new relationship we found out she was pregnant. I know this is a lot of extra stress on a new relationship but we are actually doing really well and are both excited, and nervous, about our life together and the new life we are bringing into the world. As far as most aspects of our relationship goes everything is great. We have very similar views on life, love, goals, religion, child rearing and almost every other area of importance you can think of. There is one major problem I am battling with and need some advice on though. I have always believed in FULL honesty and openness and in a strange role reversal she is more like the typical male when it comes to sharing thoughts, feelings, and emotions. Maybe it's my background with a troubled childhood, depression, anger management problems and a couple of years of therapy scattered across my life but I want to share my deepest and darkest thoughts with her but I can't. I can't let myself that is. She keeps these things to herself for the most part. Once she has dealt with some of her more serious issues through writing in her diary, which I'm not allowed into, and talking to a friend or two then she brings it to my attention. This might not seem like a big issue to some but to me it is very important. The less open we are with each other makes me feel more insecure and less trusting of her. Do I grant her her secrets and private thoughts and keep mine to myself hoping we won't grow to far apart and just deal with my in securities on a personal level? Do I push her to opening up these parts of her mind and soul to me making myself happier and more secure but possibly damaging her sense of security and negating her method of coping with life's issues? As I said before I have always believed in sharing these thoughts and feelings. Do I alter my beliefs or do I push her to alter hers? Thanks for any insight.
uriel Posted September 4, 2004 Posted September 4, 2004 Everyone has a right to have their own inner headspace. Yes, it might make you insecure. But it's part of an individual's sense of self. Their ability to have a site for growth, change, and self-exploration. She'll share these thoughts and feelings with you as they become understandable and acceptable to her -- and as trust between you grows. My husband and I have a very open, honest relationship. I have a background much like yours. However, even after nearly twenty years together, we both find ourselves sometimes sharing what's been buried. Those moments are very positive and profound. They are continuous points of reconnection. Let this evolve naturally between you two. Trust and accept her as she is. Share with her what YOU feel comfortable sharing, but keep in mind that some of these things may be too much for her to handle yet. Wait for appropriate times, when both of you feel safe. Congrats, btw, on finding one another and having a baby. Much joy. -- uriel
emra Posted September 5, 2004 Posted September 5, 2004 I agree with Uriel. I don't think pushing the subject with her will do any good. Be patient and let it come to you. If you push too hard, it might make her withdraw from you. Sooner or later it all comes around. Maybe she has had some trouble in the past as well as is a bit insecure about sharing her full feelings with you? Good luck and Congrats!!
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