Can I get a male perspective??

[april38]

So I dated this guy for about 6-7 weeks, and we really seemed to like each other. We have very different personalities, I am very laid back and he is somewhat uptight. He’s the kind of guy with perfect manners, very polite, reserved, a bit stiff, and practices a lot of self control. I am more of a fun loving, open, quirky type personality. However we both seemed to enjoy the contrast. We were seeing each other once or twice a week, and communicating in one form or another every day. Whenever he’s with me he’s very giggly, and a bit nervous, but acts really excited to be in my presence. Not sure if it’s coincidence or not, but right around the time we started getting seriously physical he started getting a bit distant. We continued to date, but he became less consistent. (And no this is not the case where he was just looking for sex, in fact he was all about waiting as long as possible to do it.) Then we went 3-4 days with no contact, and he reached out to reconnect, however there was no attempt to ask me out again. So I texted him and asked him what happened, and he said nothing happened, that when he’s away from me he tends to think too much, and when he’s with me all he does is feel, and he asked if we could talk in person. So I agreed, and he took me out to a nice dinner. We had a fun time (as usual) and when we got back to my place he spilled it. He told me that he’s uncomfortable with the fact that we work together (he’s basically my supervisor) and that he’s in a transient place in his life (ashamed of his home/car, wants to change jobs) and doesn’t feel he can be a good boyfriend to me right now. So I didn’t argue, accepted what he said, and we engaged in a friendly “goodbye”. (at which time he stated he was conflicted over this decision)

 

I need some mature male perspective here….was he being totally honest with me? Do you think that he still likes me, just too uptight to date me because of our/his circumstances? Or was it something else? Do you think he will come back around?? Or is it that awful typical overused saying – he’s just not that into me? It sure didn’t seem that way, kind of seems like I blew his mind during the time we dated…and honestly he blew mine too.

[StanMusial]

So I dated this guy for about 6-7 weeks, and we really seemed to like each other. We have very different personalities, I am very laid back and he is somewhat uptight. He’s the kind of guy with perfect manners, very polite, reserved, a bit stiff, and practices a lot of self control. I am more of a fun loving, open, quirky type personality. However we both seemed to enjoy the contrast. We were seeing each other once or twice a week, and communicating in one form or another every day. Whenever he’s with me he’s very giggly, and a bit nervous, but acts really excited to be in my presence. Not sure if it’s coincidence or not, but right around the time we started getting seriously physical he started getting a bit distant. We continued to date, but he became less consistent. (And no this is not the case where he was just looking for sex, in fact he was all about waiting as long as possible to do it.) Then we went 3-4 days with no contact, and he reached out to reconnect, however there was no attempt to ask me out again. So I texted him and asked him what happened, and he said nothing happened, that when he’s away from me he tends to think too much, and when he’s with me all he does is feel, and he asked if we could talk in person. So I agreed, and he took me out to a nice dinner. We had a fun time (as usual) and when we got back to my place he spilled it. He told me that he’s uncomfortable with the fact that we work together (he’s basically my supervisor) and that he’s in a transient place in his life (ashamed of his home/car, wants to change jobs) and doesn’t feel he can be a good boyfriend to me right now. So I didn’t argue, accepted what he said, and we engaged in a friendly “goodbye”. (at which time he stated he was conflicted over this decision)

 

I need some mature male perspective here….was he being totally honest with me? Do you think that he still likes me, just too uptight to date me because of our/his circumstances? Or was it something else? Do you think he will come back around?? Or is it that awful typical overused saying – he’s just not that into me? It sure didn’t seem that way, kind of seems like I blew his mind during the time we dated…and honestly he blew mine too.

 

Well here's one theory. He seems like a risk-averse type of guy, and you seem like a devil-may-care type. He may have weighed the risk vs. reward and decided it was not worth it.

 

I think there was a Ben Stiller movie about this topic (but of course in the movie they end up together).

[DrStrangelove]

So I dated this guy for about 6-7 weeks, and we really seemed to like each other. We have very different personalities, I am very laid back and he is somewhat uptight. He’s the kind of guy with perfect manners, very polite, reserved, a bit stiff, and practices a lot of self control. I am more of a fun loving, open, quirky type personality. However we both seemed to enjoy the contrast. We were seeing each other once or twice a week, and communicating in one form or another every day. Whenever he’s with me he’s very giggly, and a bit nervous, but acts really excited to be in my presence. Not sure if it’s coincidence or not, but right around the time we started getting seriously physical he started getting a bit distant. We continued to date, but he became less consistent. (And no this is not the case where he was just looking for sex, in fact he was all about waiting as long as possible to do it.) Then we went 3-4 days with no contact, and he reached out to reconnect, however there was no attempt to ask me out again. So I texted him and asked him what happened, and he said nothing happened, that when he’s away from me he tends to think too much, and when he’s with me all he does is feel, and he asked if we could talk in person. So I agreed, and he took me out to a nice dinner. We had a fun time (as usual) and when we got back to my place he spilled it. He told me that he’s uncomfortable with the fact that we work together (he’s basically my supervisor) and that he’s in a transient place in his life (ashamed of his home/car, wants to change jobs) and doesn’t feel he can be a good boyfriend to me right now. So I didn’t argue, accepted what he said, and we engaged in a friendly “goodbye”. (at which time he stated he was conflicted over this decision)

 

I need some mature male perspective here….was he being totally honest with me? Do you think that he still likes me, just too uptight to date me because of our/his circumstances? Or was it something else? Do you think he will come back around?? Or is it that awful typical overused saying – he’s just not that into me? It sure didn’t seem that way, kind of seems like I blew his mind during the time we dated…and honestly he blew mine too.

 

I could be wrong, or right. Take it for what it's worth. He is really shy - and afraid to move onto the next step. Or, his work is more important than anything. He could be a little self-centered, meaning he is only concerned about himself (car/house/job status). I would just give him some space - probably what everyone else will say. Also, this site tends to say things probably aren't going to work out - early and often, I see it thread over thread. But, I do hope things work out. Space really is the best way to test the relationship, especially early on. If he is interested - he will move mountains. That's the person you need for the long run anyways. Just learning this after a long breakup...Anyways, just my insight. Nobody can read his mind or know for sure...

[april38]

Thank you for your thoughts. Both answers are possible, and yes I am and will continue to give him space. I'm like a ghost, he wont hear from me again unless he initiates it. It's just such a shame...

 

Anyone else have an opinion??

[carhill]

Not sure if it’s coincidence or not, but right around the time we started getting seriously physical he started getting a bit distant.

 

Emotionally avoidant

 

He told me that he’s uncomfortable with the fact that we work together (he’s basically my supervisor) and that he’s in a transient place in his life (ashamed of his home/car, wants to change jobs) and doesn’t feel he can be a good boyfriend to me right now. So I didn’t argue, accepted what he said, and we engaged in a friendly “goodbye”. (at which time he stated he was conflicted over this decision)

 

Social astroglide

 

How many other female subordinates does he supervise?

 

He romanced you via your working relationship, dated you, had sex with you and then says goodbye citing his life issues?

 

Goodbye is an answer. Given the circumstances, my advice would be to accept it for what it is and move on. I've seen a lot of men like this in my industry; some are married; some are LTR; some are single. They do what they do. The best of them have multiple ladies going at the same time.

 

Hopefully, your life experiences by the time you're in your 50's will impart a less cynical perspective regarding what people do. Good luck.

[dasein]

Not so sure I'd go as far as carhill on this particular guy's MO given the posted details, but as far as generally, his post is dead-on. Have seen tons of the same myself in the work world. Good luck moving on and cultivating better options for yourself.

 

To the thread, my particular male perspective is that it doesn't matter whether it was sincere or not, you have enough data to move on to next.

[april38]

Hmm, I don't know... I may be totally wrong but I think he felt you moved to fast to the physical contact (sex)... he may have thought that you were to easy... I hope that is not the case, because if that is the case he is gone for good!

 

:-( Well, if this is the case, then I'm just so embarrassed. I rolled with the moment, and after a month of teasing and driving each other crazy we went for it. I guess I'm really bad at this "dating game".

[april38]

How many other female subordinates does he supervise?

 

There are a plenitude of women at my workplace, however I think that most are un-dateable (married, older, not necessarily attractive). He told me that he did date one other woman 2 years ago for about a month, but it didn't go anywhere, and states he hasn't dated anyone else from work. He told me that the opportunity has been there, but he didn't act on it because of the affect it could have on his reputation at work. From what I've seen/heard in my extremely gossipy workplace, I think he's telling the truth.

 

BTW, people love to talk about me at work, and there have been rumors/lies about he and I sleeping together for many months (well before he and I even exchanged numbers or hung out outside of work). I was honest and shared that with him early on. Maybe that was also a factor...

[salparadise]

We had a fun time (as usual) and when we got back to my place he spilled it. He told me that he’s uncomfortable with the fact that we work together (he’s basically my supervisor) and that he’s in a transient place in his life (ashamed of his home/car, wants to change jobs) and doesn’t feel he can be a good boyfriend to me right now.

 

I can give you a pretty good guess... I did something like this back in my younger days. I was in a job/town where I didn't want to be and started dating a girl who had taken the initiative to let it be known that she was interested (her sister knew one my friends, so she passed the word). She was really nice, good looking, easy to talk to, quite sexual. My problem was that I didn't want to put down roots. I was on the verge of becoming attached (because of the sex) and knew if I kept seeing her I would become more invested than I was ready to deal with and would have trouble moving on. I had the notion that it was ok to date as long as I didn't get in too deep, but once I started to develop feelings I'd put up a wall to protect myself from becoming enslaved by the emotions.

 

So I suspect that it's a combination of you not fitting into his strategy and fear of becoming attached, enslaved by the emotions, or whatever you want to call it. For me it was some combination of life circumstances, inexperience, insecurity and just at that time and place not being willing to risk opening my heart to anyone for fear of losing control. It really wasn't about her at all. In fact, I have often thought how I wished she would've walked into my life when I was really ready to accept and appreciate her.

 

I can understand the work situation being a point of resistance in your situation too. My advice is don't take it personally. Also, there are a lot of people out there who aren't really available, so if you want a long-term relationship you need to figure that part out early so as not to waste your time or emotional investment.

[carhill]

OP, if your workplace is 'extremely gossipy' and he's 'worried about his reputation', he would have never approached you at all; in fact, he would have kept his words and actions completely professional. Yet he didn't maintain professional separation and, then, progressed it to a sexual encounter. How worried can he possibly be?

 

IMO, this guy is a minefield of contradictions. Under usual circumstances, the human faced with this says 'no'. It sounds like you have, and he joins you. Good instincts.

 

Now, all that said, when he comes back around, what will you do? Be prepared for that. It happens. After all, you work together.

[april38]

I can give you a pretty good guess... I did something like this back in my younger days. I was in a job/town where I didn't want to be and started dating a girl who had taken the initiative to let it be known that she was interested (her sister knew one my friends, so she passed the word). She was really nice, good looking, easy to talk to, quite sexual. My problem was that I didn't want to put down roots. I was on the verge of becoming attached (because of the sex) and knew if I kept seeing her I would become more invested than I was ready to deal with and would have trouble moving on. I had the notion that it was ok to date as long as I didn't get in too deep, but once I started to develop feelings I'd put up a wall to protect myself from becoming enslaved by the emotions.

 

So I suspect that it's a combination of you not fitting into his strategy and fear of becoming attached, enslaved by the emotions, or whatever you want to call it. For me it was some combination of life circumstances, inexperience, insecurity and just at that time and place not being willing to risk opening my heart to anyone for fear of losing control. It really wasn't about her at all. In fact, I have often thought how I wished she would've walked into my life when I was really ready to accept and appreciate her.

 

I can understand the work situation being a point of resistance in your situation too. My advice is don't take it personally. Also, there are a lot of people out there who aren't really available, so if you want a long-term relationship you need to figure that part out early so as not to waste your time or emotional investment.

 

Thank you for sharing this. I truly want to believe that this is what happened. It's basically what he told me, but so many people say that men don't think this way, and he was just blowing smoke. It doesn't seem like him, he's done everything to express his honesty (but no one ever really knows if someone is honest, we have to go with our instincts), and even went as far as to come take me out and explain his feelings as opposed to just making a simple phone call. So, I hope you're right, because this I can live with, and feel at peace with it....

[april38]

OP, if your workplace is 'extremely gossipy' and he's 'worried about his reputation', he would have never approached you at all; in fact, he would have kept his words and actions completely professional. Yet he didn't maintain professional separation and, then, progressed it to a sexual encounter. How worried can he possibly be?

 

IMO, this guy is a minefield of contradictions. Under usual circumstances, the human faced with this says 'no'. It sounds like you have, and he joins you. Good instincts.

 

Now, all that said, when he comes back around, what will you do? Be prepared for that. It happens. After all, you work together.

 

You're right he is inconsistent. He has even explained his inconsistency on a few different occasions. For example he would come find me at work and talk to me, then nothing for a while (this went on for about 3 months), then asks me if I'd ever like to go hiking sometime, but didn't get my number, then weeks later asked me for my number but took a month and a half to contact me. He explained that he loved my company, but kept hesitating because of his issues with the work thing. Then he would talk to his friends at home about it, and would decide "f" it, who cares - go for it, but then freak out about it again....Those were his words to explain his inconsistency.....

 

If he comes back around?? Well, I'm not sure I'm of sound mind to answer that right now. At this time, that's all I want, but not so sure it will really happen, or if that's what's best for me. So I guess his choice to end things will also help me to take that time out to reevaluate our dating experience and decide if he's what I really want for myself anyway.

[outsidethebox]

Sounds complicated if he is your supervisor and has confided he wants to change jobs.

 

I can see why he's nervous. For lots of reasons this is best for both of you unless/until he changes jobs and asks you out again at which time you could condider it. I think he's being pretty honest with you and got more deeply involved than he's able to due to being your supervisor. Unless I misunderstood the supervisor part.

[april38]

Sounds complicated if he is your supervisor and has confided he wants to change jobs.

 

I can see why he's nervous. For lots of reasons this is best for both of you unless/until he changes jobs and asks you out again at which time you could condider it. I think he's being pretty honest with you and got more deeply involved than he's able to due to being your supervisor. Unless I misunderstood the supervisor part.

 

 

Yes, he is a supervisor over my work group, not exactly my direct supervisor, but close enough, he might as well be. I can always go to him as an authority figure if my direct supervisor isn't available. Anyway, I guess if I look at it from a mature and responsible stand point the situation is pretty dicey, and I've really only been following my emotions - years ago I dated someone for 5 years who I was his direct supervisor. We kept it quiet for a long time, and when we got serious we let the cat out of the bag, and no one cared. But I guess this guy isn't as laid-back as I am about these things....(as stated in my OP). I guess I'm starting to believe his story logically. Thanks for your input!