Confused??????

[nosleep]

So OK, I am like everyone else I have read about on this site. LOVE sucks and it is wonderful.

 

My brief story. Having come from an alcoholic home I find that I am a very independent gal. I have a difficult time keeping up most friend relationships, but romantic relationships are kind of different. In my life I have never really had a "boyfriend". Don't get me wrong, slept with a few men in my day and am getting a divorce currently. But again the whole boyfriend thing has always eluded me. The thing is I do everything to the extreme. If I am going to do something I have to run it into the ground and kill it.

 

The meat of my story is regarding my first "boyfriend" at age almost 35. Met him online, the coolest guy. Extremely smart, hot bod, very succesful and in a band to boot! Problem is he is not the committing type. Doesn't like to be pressured and needs his "me time". Now that is when he is not working, playing softball, band practice, watching football, you know the drill. I saw him initially a few times a week, he would fit me in and say how he would want to rearrange things to be with me. He looked at me with such and intensity I had never experienced before. So it was great at first (it always is). Not maybe a month in a half into this, things change. No titilating e-mails, less time together. Towards the end he said I was pressuring him and then no sex one weekend. Now, the biggest problem I had was the lack of communication and his inability to look at commitment in the future. See I just spent 7 years in a relationship (marriage) with someone that was closed emotionally and sexually. I had to initiate sex any time we had it and believe me it was rare. He never lusted after me, ever. Wait that is not true, the first 2 months..he initiated but I think because it was a novelty to him at the time. He had not been in a "sexual" relationship in years. His first marriage ended in 3 months. My wedding night I cried in my Vegas hotel room because that is the night I really expected something. Nada!! Finally after I was distraught something happened that would be considered forced sexual rage on his part. Fun! NOT!!

 

Back to the current rocker dude situation. So he is pulling away and I am "pushing him away" by his words and finally I couldn't take it anymore. I broke up with him. But not in an angry way, just we are looking for different things. Now this has not affected him at all. He was just like "no hard feelings". WHAT!!! How do men do that?? I am so HURT! OK I know I did the breaking up, but that was out of pure frustration that this person was not available. At first he was, and I think his former girlfriend of 2 years (that happens to share many traits that I have) did a HUGE number on him. They were even in couples counseling. He says she would "belittle" him in therapy. Being aware of this I tried to look the other way at his indifference. I'd spend the night and get up early (he gets up late, we are polar opposites in this way) and I would need to go, sometimes because I had stuff to do, but a lot of times it was because I was "up" and I am kind of a high strung gal. When I am up I am up, what am I gonna do? So when I would leave he would barily grunt at me. We never shared those deep conversations that I seem to love on occasion in person. But by e-mail he was so awesome, I knew that was the person inside.

 

So now it has been a week and I am dying for him and I know he isn't dying for me. I am just another chick that broke his heart. He is also traumatized from not having a girlfriend for 9 years but apparently that did not hurt his sex life as he is in a "band". So I wanna call him and do other things with him too. But I am traumatized from my psycho marriage. Plus, I am kind of obsessive and know he hates to be glommed onto. I know that would suck if it were me, but I am the other one. Yuck!! Not sure what to do. If anyone has the fortitude to get this far and has some advice to give I would surely appreciate it.

[shamen]

Any updates to report? I noticed that this post is from the 4th. What's going on now?