Boyfriend doesn't put me first...

[ddlovexx]

Hey there,

 

I need some advice from you loveshackers.

 

I'm 22 and my boyfriend is 24. We've been together 8 months. For the most part it's been a lovely relationship and I love him more than anything. This is the first relationship I've been in where I can see myself with this guy in the long-term, and he reciprocates that. I'm pretty close to his family, we have the same friends, he's my best friend, etc.

 

The issue is, he no longer puts me first. He works 70+ hours a week at a new job and he's usually tired, so I try to be understanding in that sense. But it seems that he will often choose everything else over me. I'm all for him having a guys night, going to the game, etc. because then it gives me a chance to do the same. He has some family issues going on at home (parents fighting a lot, expecting too much from him) so I try to just sit back and go with the flow so that he's not overwhelmed... but I find myself heartbroken over his choices more often than not.

 

I haven't seen him for a whole week because he's had the flu, and instead of coming over last night... he chose to go out. He did invite me to go out with him and I showed up, but when I expressed that it hurt that he chose to go out instead of come see me after a week of not seeing me, his response was "I understand I guess... I want to see you, I just don't want to sit home." This isn't the first time. I get that he wants to go out because he doesn't get to very often, and I'm okay with that but what I'm not okay with is he doesn't seem to consider my feelings. I usually go 1-2 days without seeing him at most and after 7 days, shouldn't he want to cuddle up with his girlfriend? We usually go out one night and he comes over one night for a few hours. That one night is our only alone night. He never sleeps over because he has work at 6am. I also have to add, I'm currently not allowed at his house because apparently it's a battlefield every day now and he doesn't want me involved in the family affairs, which I guess is understandable.

 

The issue is, every time I express how hurt I am that I am not first, he says he understands where I'm coming from but that at this point in his life I can't be first. It sucks because in the first few months of the relationship, I was first. We've almost broken up over this but he says that he loves me more than anything and wants to spend his life with me, etc. When we're together we have a wonderful time and he generally makes me very happy. I'm not sure if I'm expecting too much from him because of his age or if this is just unfair.

 

I also work and go to school, go out with my friends... So I'm not sitting around waiting for him but my heartstrings are constantly being tugged. My friends/family who know the situation say I'm settling and I deserve better, but when he's good he's great. I love him a lot and it's obviously not so simple as to just leave. I also like to work through problems instead of running away, it just seems that I don't know how to work through this one. He always turns it into a fight saying I'm asking too much from him, that he's trying his best, etc. I don't know how to get through to him... or just get through it. Maybe he's just too young to be "unselfish" right now? He says he's trying to pay off his debt so he can move out and we can move together... I keep wondering if he will make me first then?

 

Any help would be greatly appreciated. I'm trying to be mature and understanding of the circumstances but I'm pretty hurt over all of this. Am I just expecting too much?

Edited March 2, 2013 by ddlovexx

[Imported]

You sound needy and maybe even selfish. You say you understand what he is going through and blah blah blah and then you dig into him anyway.

[ddlovexx]

I don't "dig" into him. I'm dealing with this very much internally. And how am I selfish when I see him 2-3 times a week for 2-3 hours at most? I don't beg him to spend time with me and I don't yell at him for his choices. I just think I should be one of the top choices.

[TaserTag]

He's working 70+ hours a week, his home life is a mess, and he just got over the flu. And he invites you out with him when he does get a chance to go out. You do see him several times a week for several hours. I think you need to cut him some slack. It sounds like when he (rarely) gets a free moment, he wants to get out of the house and you want to stay in and cuddle and be alone together... is that the main problem?

 

I don't see where he's really doing anything wrong here or 'not putting you first,' and if he's working that much and wants to go out when he gets a free moment, I don't think I'd want to deny him that. He must be very stressed with everything you say is going on, and you shouldn't add more stress if you love him. On the other hand, if your needs aren't being met in the relationship and you need more alone time with your boyfriend, then you should probably think of breaking up.

 

If he's working that much, it's not like he can leave work to entertain you. There are only so many hours in a day...

[ddlovexx]

Right, I agree with you which is what keeps me grounded in the situation. Like I said, I want him to go out and have fun too, we're young. And I don't necessarily mean "cuddle time" but we don't do anything anymore. No dates or anything like that. It's never just me and him.

 

Thank you for your input.

[TaserTag]

I've done the long distance relationship thing with my now-husband, and his job has periods where he will be working overtime and weekends (like this weekend) or is on site for a couple months at a time. Sometimes you just don't get as much time as you want together. From what you've written, it sounds like your boyfriend is trying hard to manage his time between work, you and what he wants to do (going out and seeing friends). I reread your post and it sounds like he does try to have at least one night alone with you for every night that he goes out?

 

You just need to make the most of the time that you do have and look forward to the vacations and easier times that you'll have in the future. Or, if you can't deal with someone who is so absent at times (which is perfectly valid), you might have to breakup and find someone with a less demanding work schedule.

[Lonely Ronin]

Right, I agree with you which is what keeps me grounded in the situation. Like I said, I want him to go out and have fun too, we're young. And I don't necessarily mean "cuddle time" but we don't do anything anymore. No dates or anything like that. It's never just me and him.

 

Thank you for your input.

 

You should be happy you see him at all in my opinion. 70+ hrs a week is 14 or 15 hrs a day for a 5 day work week. MY father did this for a while when i was little, and my mom almost never got to see him. % days a week all dad did was work, eat & sleep. Saturday, he slept pretty much all day making up for what he didn't during the week. Sunday was full of all the duties a dad normally does, yard work, groceries, etc. Add in me and my brother and I bet my mom got to spend an hour a week alone with my dad, and even then it probably wasn't anything romantic, it was probably a what have you done the last 7 days conversation.

 

Like another poster said, if his life isn't going to change any time soon, you need to seriously think about if you want to continue in this relationship.

[rocketman122]

Yes, I think hes not being considerate enough. If I worked 70+ hours a week and I had some precious time here and there free, i'd want to spend it with my special lady.

 

OTOH, its the age thats the problem. when he'll get older he'll be wiser. I did the same thing when I was dating my then GF (now ex wife) I know I was completely wrong and should have spent more time with her. I wanted to work and she would ambush me downstairs at the parking lot before I went to work and ask why I dont spend time with her. I didnt call and worked 2 jobs.

 

I dont think what youre asking from him is being selfish or too much.

[Janesays]

This isn't a question of 'right' or 'wrong.' It's a question of compatibility. You are obviously unhappy with your boyfriend's style of being a boyfriend. So you need to quit trying to change him, cut him loose, and instead find someone who will treat you how you like to be treated.

 

You seem sad to me. You're only 24. If you're unhappy in a relationship, there is no reason to settle at this point in your life. He may very well be a wonderful guy. Just maybe not the guy for you.

[TheGuard13]

While I agree that it sounds like there might be compatability issues, in terms of what they both want out of a relationship, I think the problem lies in the thread title.

 

He shouldn't have to put you first. No one should put their significant other first. That's a cliched buzz phrase that has little to no bearing in reality.

 

And it's not healthy.

 

You should live for yourself, and make sure you are happy and that your needs are met, and THEN for your significant other. Otherwise, you likely won't be able to give them what they need from a relationship in the first place, because you'll be frustrated, unhappy, unfulfilled, and potentially resentful.

 

More people need to realize this.

[ddlovexx]

You've all had some really great things to say.

 

First off, I'm not unhappy in the relationship... more like I'm just trying to deal with the current situation in the best way I can. I'm trying to learn how to do so. He makes me very happy and does for me what he can.

 

I don't mean to come off as ungrateful either. I admire how hard he works. I don't beg him to give me more time and I know he's doing the best he can with everything on his plate. He went from working 40-50 hours a week to 70+. This was more of a post for me to get my head straight about the new situation. He has told me that he doesn't plan to stay at this job forever because the hours make him unhappy, so I don't see it being a long-term "I'm stuck here" situation. I have to keep reminding myself that. I'm sure part of it is that he may be too young to realize what he's doing, which is why I asked. And we don't need to grow up any faster.

 

Also, I know I have to put myself first. I can be happy without him. That wasn't really what this was about. I have depression which sometimes can make situations seem more terrible than they are at times. I feel a lot better now than I did when I posted it.

 

Thanks so much for all of your replies... much appreciated.

[ChessPieceFace]

If I worked 70+ hours a week I'd have snapped and gone postal by now. Just saying.

[KraftDinner]

You're not unreasonable for wanting more, and you shouldn't settle for less if it makes you unhappy.

 

He won't change any time soon, and there's nothing you can do to make that happen.

 

Interesting thing I've noticed here at LS: someone wants their partner to spend more time with them and they're labelled "needy" as though that's a bad thing and are expected to put their own desires aside. But if someone comes here with the complaint that their partner won't go down on them, this is a legitimate issue here at LS. Huh.

[Els]

What I have problems understanding is why someone working 70+ hours a week is living with his parents in what appears to be not even a peaceful home for him. Where is all the money from the work going? Does he not feel it's worth HIS mental peace of mind to move out? I mean, if I was working THAT much and came home to a 'battlefield' everyday I'd want to move out asap.

[D-Lish]

I don't think your feelings are unreasonable, what I think is that his current needs are dictating the relationship path for the both of you. The relationship seems to be surviving on his terms.

 

My advice to you is to start putting yourself first- because you are the only one that is in charge of making that happen.

 

You guys are both young, and it sounds as if he isn't ready to make you a top priority just yet- his actions reflect that. Complaining to him if he's not ready to make a larger commitment won't change a thing- trust me on that one. If anything, it will only make him dig his heels in even more.

 

I don't think the relationship is a write off, and I don't think he is a bad guy for wanting to maintain a high profile social life. The thing about that realization is- YOU are at a different stage. The fact that your priorities are different doesn't mean he doesn't love you- but it does mean you are going to miss out on what you want from the relationship.

[empirestate87]

Have you thought about having lengthy and serious discussion about it with him? Tell him you're not feeling the love (or w/e) and tell him that saying "I understand" isn't enough.

[stevie_23]

Basically, he’s told you pretty honestly he cannot put you first right now. In my opinion, he SHOULD put you first. Someone who decides to be with someone SHOULD put their partner first, and if they are incapable of doing this, they should offer their partner an out. Say I will not be able to put you first for however long and I am not willing to make you a priority. Are you willing to live with that until I MIGHT decide to put you first again at some stage?

 

So ARE you willing to not be first?

[ddlovexx]

Els, he's close with his family who is also having financial issues. Both of his parents are a little sick right now (nothing fatal, thank god) but he is also in some debt so he's trying to pay it off and then move out. It's just his bump in the road I guess.

 

Also, I'm okay with not being first... as we've said I should be first for me, his family should be first for him... after really analyzing I don't think that it's not that I'm not a priority necessarily, it's just that sometimes other things HAVE to come first. If he has to pick up his brother from work because his parents won't, then he can't come over. It's not his fault and I know that even though it sucks sometimes. We'll get through it. Just have to keep reminding myself it won't be like this forever.

 

Thanks again everyone.

Edited March 5, 2013 by ddlovexx

[Ninjainpajamas]

This might be a surprise...but I may be a little...."harsh" in my reply.

 

This kind of sounds like the typical situation of girl in love with boy but boy wants to live his life and is not ready to settle down and have a real relationships.

 

Relationships take work, and they're not very everyone...especially young guys working 70 hours a week. I've worked 70 hours a week at his age too, and it was a physically demanding job as well as mental so by the time I got home at night I was exhausted...like could hardly stand in the shower at the end of the day and wash myself beat down tired...and I'm Mr. Stamina, a guy who never gets tired. It got me to develop a great set of arms and abs though, as well as a nice fat paycheck at the end of two weeks...but everything is a sacrifice.

 

I did have a GF at the time and she was mainly a live in for a few months at a time until she went back home abroad, this made it manageable. And she basically played house wife, cooking and cleaning the place and I mostly spent my free time with her. I didn't have a lot of time to do everything I wanted though, and I felt smothered by her clinging to me every single time I was available...granted I hardly was, I was never really into going out much but If I did with friends she'd mostly come along, but I believe men do their own personal time to unwind so I did go alone at times here and there too.

 

But I'm a strange bird and can spend a lot of time with a woman much more than the average guy, I like spending time with women more than men, always have...I'd usually reject a lot of invitations by the boys...and I think that's what made it somewhat manageable for me...otherwise I'd imagine the average guy getting burnt out rather quickly, there's so much you want to do with your free time than just sit and hang out with your girl, it's just a very predictable and one-dimensional experience at times...like there's nothing new to talk about or socialize about, you can't unwind and hang loose with your friends and shoot the shet, you've got to hang out with this Banshee who wants to cling to your soul every second she's with you because it's like you haven't seen her in ages.

 

So I would advise him to really not be in a relationship right now...If I were speaking with him I'd tell him to drop you like a rock. Not because I've got anything against you or him, I just think at his age and with his time constraints he's going to feel very conflicted, and forced to spend time with you and smothered even though he doesn't have a lot of time. Also I think younger guys aren't really emotionally ready for that level of commitment, they're still in an exploring age, they still see a hot girl walk by and want to make out or at least talk to her...most young guys want to be....young and party a little bit at least...big surprise there.

 

I think if this continues you're just going to become a burden and there's going to be more conflict and the more disappointed you become or needy of his time the more he's going to resent you for trying to smother him and take too much of his life. He doesn't sound like he has the emotional availability and possibly interest in you enough to really feel motivated to spend all those free moments with you...that is mostly an older guy thing In my opinion in general or maybe date more of a homebody. I know it's all wonderful and amazing when you do spend time together, but that's honestly easy to do....he could get a FWB and get the same thing I hate to say, it's not really a priority what you give...because what you have to give he doesn't need right now...that's just my opinion on the matter but do whatever it is you think you can do to change it, but you can't change the way he feels and what he wants to do with his time.

[ddlovexx]

Ninja, I agree with a lot of what you said, and I do try to give him his space. I really only see him 2x a week, 3 if I'm lucky, and I absolutely think he deserves his guy time.

 

This is the first guy I've really let into my heart after my first heartbreak a few years ago, I've always been afraid... (insert cliche sentence here)... but you get the point. When we first started I was very distant and often said "I don't think you're ready for a relationship, you need to go out and be young, maybe we can try when you're over that phase" and he always fought me and said "No, this is what I want, I'm over that" etc... so that being a huge fear and now it coming true is tough for me. I've even told him recently "Look, I don't want to make things harder for you. I love you more than anything but first and foremost I want you to be happy. If that leaves me out of the equation for a little while, so be it. If you really love me you won't be gone too long, I think you'll figure it out." and he just says that he wants to be with me, etc. I'm not sure there's much else I can do but wait it out right now and hope things get better. He needs to grow up a little bit. Time will tell.

 

Thank you!