Author Morgoth Posted March 9, 2013 Author Posted March 9, 2013 Why did you choose this site and not a site for cheaters like yourself who will support each other? What advice are you looking for here? It came up on a Google search for dealing with infidelity. What cheater site are you talking about, do you have a URL? I am not looking for "advice" I am venting. Did you read the original post title?
Dragonfruit Posted March 9, 2013 Posted March 9, 2013 I, too, am confused about exactly where I am. I keep thinking I am clicking on a marriage and life partnership thread and ending up on the infidelity section. *shrug*
ComingInHot Posted March 9, 2013 Posted March 9, 2013 Moth, "Not sure what a man of honor is..." EXACTLY. Educate yourself on what it means to have honor and to be honorable* As far as casting the stone thing, that, thank God, is not job... But here on LS, everyone is called out on their baggage. Myself included. 1
AnotherRound Posted March 9, 2013 Posted March 9, 2013 What you wrote really resonates with me. Thanks for taking the time to write it. You're welcome. I used to be here a lot, but really found it to not be a very supportive place at times as there is a lot of anger and unresolved conflict for some of the posters. Like I said, take it with a grain of salt. I truly do believe that we all do the best we can with what we have. You might be interested in looking up DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy) as it is all about the extremes and walking the middle. On here, there is a LOT of extremes and black and white thinking - but in the real world, there is a lot of gray (as you well know). So, take the judgment here carefully bc there are a lot of folks with black and white thinking (and that's a whole other convo that was done on here before and how it's not a really healthy way to view the world bc of its simplicity and unrealistic guidelines) and that just doesn't normally apply to most of the world realistically. I hope you find peace, and the strength to do what needs to be done so that all involved can find peace and move forward in this one life we have.
velvetunderground Posted March 9, 2013 Posted March 9, 2013 OP, I would never have known this except that I'm going through it now for different reasons, but I am a newly single middle-aged woman. My kids are older, though one of them spends a couple of days each week with me. A real regret I have in waiting so long to leave my STBX is that I don't have my kids' lives to be that involved in right when I really need it. I feel very lonely much of the time. It would have been so much better to have gone through the most difficult months at the beginning with my kids around me. And the breakup was my choice. If you leave your wife after the kids have left home, she will be COMPLETELY alone until she's ready to start dating, etc, which given the length of time you've been married will probably take 6 months to a year at the very least. Allow her to have someone to help her through this. Don't wait till the kids are gone. It's really no easier on them. My older son has left home and my younger has not yet as he's still a teen, and the older one had a harder time than the younger, whereas I thought it would be the other way around. But both of them were accepting and understood.
Author Morgoth Posted March 10, 2013 Author Posted March 10, 2013 No reply to my query, Morgoth? Yes it is always in the back of my mind to sit down and just tell her what's been going on. I have not because how do you have that conversation? One of the reasons I am having it here I suppose. If that were to occur, I would just tell her about one of my FWB, I couldn't tell her everything, and it would have to be in the context of me leaving our marriage. 1
beenburned Posted March 10, 2013 Posted March 10, 2013 Your wife deserves the WHOLE TRUTH about you being a serial cheater!! She has the right to decide (based on all of the facts), how she wants to handle HER life!(not you) You are wasting this woman's life away with all of your lies! 7
Dragonfruit Posted March 10, 2013 Posted March 10, 2013 (edited) I read that about leaving and thought, nah, he's getting everything he wants by stabbing her in the back, he's not going to give it up until he gets caught. But, I'm not a mindreader, so... Just a thought, OP, if you do leave, why tell her any of it on the way out? It will just cause more bad feelings for no purpose then. I'd think that would also come back on you in various ways as well. It might give your kids a poor opinion of you, perhaps for life. I'm surprised you even mentioned it, really. Good luck. Edited March 10, 2013 by Dragonfruit
BetrayedH Posted March 10, 2013 Posted March 10, 2013 (edited) I don't understand why you would give her some truth but not all of it. How do you do it? You just do it. It's a miserable 30-minute conversation that releases her from self-deprecation and it releases you from the drama of carrying more lies. I completely fail to understand a half-assed confession. What does that accomplish? She still doesn't have the truth and you are still lying. You have it within your power to release both of you from this charade but instead you keep both of you locked in. Regardless of your protestations about how happy she is and how this works so well for you, it's hard to watch. You know better. That is why you are here. That is why you are in counseling. You are having a crisis of conscience and you are morally conflicted. Get this over with. Begin living an authentic and honest life so you can be free of this double-life and pursue what you really want with your last years. And release your wife so she can do the same. Edited March 10, 2013 by BetrayedH 6
2sure Posted March 10, 2013 Posted March 10, 2013 Glad you got what you wanted. You sound very charming. I can be, and it's taken me far. Look, I dont care that you want to cheat on your wife or that you want to divorce. Many people do. And having a plan is not something many people do, although they should. I simply pointed out that plans like what it sounded to me that you had in mind...often don't work. If you are unhappy in your marriage and financial logistics are what is keeping you from divorcing...you could very well be kidding yourself if you think it is better to wait. This is not bad or sarcastic advice. This is my real life experience. 5
AnotherRound Posted March 10, 2013 Posted March 10, 2013 I can be, and it's taken me far. Look, I dont care that you want to cheat on your wife or that you want to divorce. Many people do. And having a plan is not something many people do, although they should. I simply pointed out that plans like what it sounded to me that you had in mind...often don't work. If you are unhappy in your marriage and financial logistics are what is keeping you from divorcing...you could very well be kidding yourself if you think it is better to wait. This is not bad or sarcastic advice. This is my real life experience. I agree with this in that it isn't better to wait in most cases - it in fact, just becomes more entangled and harder to get free of. I think the issue here is that now that all of these things are in place, it's difficult to sit down and actually talk to the wife about it bc now it's huge - not just a minor thing like it may have been initially , prior to the affairs. Now, it's almost inconceivable that it won't lead to divorce - and that is a scary place for most people to be - especially men (for some reason, statistically, they hate change and fear that it won't be an improvement on their current situation). I think that is the hesitancy that OP is feeling - that he is well aware that now that things have gotten so complicated that telling will almost inevitable result in divorce - which is what he was trying to avoid in the first place! Sometimes, we react to a situation with a behavior that seems like it's the best thing to do at the time. As time passes, it gets muddy and complicated and we realize that it wasn't the best answer - but we didn't know then what we know now, obviously. So now, we are in that behavior AND still trying to figure out the initial problem. But instead of just the initial problem, we have inadvertently added several other problems to the mix. I get it - I really do. I just think that the fear of divorce is unfounded - but then again, I live a life that is about what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger - and if you aren't dead, it will all work out eventually. I truly believe that, so I live my life that way. If I mess up, it will hurt, I will suffer, I may cause others to suffer - but it is NOT the end of the world until I'm dead - I am resilient, I am a survivor, I can come back from anything - except death. If you don't believe that in life - and you truly feel as if divorce is the end of the world - it's not an easy thing to approach or accept or initiate. Worst case scenario? You tell her, you get divorced - she takes all of your worldly possessions - what else? Because if that's it - you can come back from that (I could, and did, at least!).
nofool4u Posted March 11, 2013 Posted March 11, 2013 I thought I addressed this, so I will try and be more articulate. It is very stressful maintaining it all. I have no outlet, no one I can talk to really, about the whole thing, until I stumbled across this site. I really didn't plan on ending up in this situation,it kind of evolved into what it is today. I am not here to torment anyone, I thought this was a place to discuss infidelity. But the question still remains unanswered. What support are you looking for? You admitted feeling no remorse for your affair, so what is it you want to hear? 1
Author Morgoth Posted March 11, 2013 Author Posted March 11, 2013 I really don't want to be the center of attention I am introverted by nature. Going to contemplate coming clean. It is way to complicated and I hate all the lying that I have to do at home. It really did spin out of control. Thank you all for your input. 1
stillafool Posted March 11, 2013 Posted March 11, 2013 It came up on a Google search for dealing with infidelity. What cheater site are you talking about, do you have a URL? I am not looking for "advice" I am venting. Did you read the original post title? I don't think I'm allowed to mention any names here. Just search "forums for support of cheaters" and you can select one. You will talk to like minded individuals who approve of serial cheating. 3
ComingInHot Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 morgan, Let me help. I really want to. You seem like you may be waking up. Honor | Define Honor at Dictionary.com dictionary.reference.com/browse/honor honesty, fairness, or integrity in one's beliefs and actions: a man of honor. 2. a source of credit or distinction: to be an honor to one's family. Good luck. CIH
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