lavenderlove Posted March 2, 2013 Posted March 2, 2013 Hey everyone! I have just realised one amazing thing! I have been with this guy for 8 years, and everyone is telling me now, that it was a good idea to move on(my story is under 8years+no ring=breakup) and I feel it is. And on top of that I think hey I have a 100% clear conscience. The only thing that has done me in, was my patience, my optimism, my faith in him, and hope for the good things I so much desired. Consequently everything I did, I did out of a positive attitude and even though I am the one in pain, and misery right now, I am in the clear. I really gave my best, and there is no more I could have done, the consequences are outside of me. 1
Thunderchild Posted March 2, 2013 Posted March 2, 2013 (edited) Hey everyone! I have just realised one amazing thing! I have been with this guy for 8 years, and everyone is telling me now, that it was a good idea to move on(my story is under 8years+no ring=breakup) and I feel it is. And on top of that I think hey I have a 100% clear conscience. The only thing that has done me in, was my patience, my optimism, my faith in him, and hope for the good things I so much desired. Consequently everything I did, I did out of a positive attitude and even though I am the one in pain, and misery right now, I am in the clear. I really gave my best, and there is no more I could have done, the consequences are outside of me. Well done Lavender - I am slowly reaching that same stage. My ex of 5 years cheated on me at her work Xmas party and fell pregnant to her paramour. Two months later - when the pregnancy was confirmed - she dropped the axe on me. During the breakup, I heard a whole host of excuses ranging from "It just happened" and "I was drunk" to "....our relationship wasn't going anywhere" (despite my suggesting that we move in together) and "...we don't have a future". Simply put - nothing was ever going to be her fault. I realise that I was dealing with someone who was unwilling, unable or incapable of accepting responsibility for her actions and choices. Perhaps her paramour had been on the scene for some months before the breakup, or it simply was a drunken sh*g that led to the pregnancy. She claims it was a 'one night thing' and that "he's not around any more', but I'm not so sure. Either way, it probably took her the two months after the (alleged) incident to rationalise to herself (ie manufacture the excuses and [more importantly] convince herself) why it happened in a way that obsolved her of responsibility for her choices and actions. The confirmation of the pregnanacy simply forced her hand - compelling her to inform me and break up. Her "apology" was simply a means of dumping her guilt onto me (just like her excuses) - which, I refused to accept and dismissed her from my presence. So, now I'm on Day 14 of a (now permenant) No Contact and haven't heard a dicke bird from her. She knows that I'm not gonna tolerate her BS, so I am expecting zero breadcrumbs. I am simply moving on. And, OK, its gonna be hard, and there's a h*lluva lot more work for me to do, but on the whole, I did the best I could in the situation. I didn't cheat - despite having opportunities - I remained loyal and faithful to her and the relationship I entered into. During the breakup I told her how much she meant to me, so she knows exactly what she has thrown away with her drunken sh*g. If she wasn't happy in the relationship - if "something was missing" - then it was her responsibility to talk to me. I am not a mind reader. That way, we could either have addressed whatever it was, or gone our separate ways. Then there would have been no reason to cheat. but, she CHOSE to end the relationship by f*cking someone else behind my back - yep, you're a real piece of class, Lady! Again - as with your situation - I keep my head held high and my dignity and self-respect intact. I didn't beg or grovel at the break up, in fact I was quite firm (challenging her excuses/BS) and sending her away on my terms. I foresee no chance of reconciliation. She has her baby now (that'll be all that matters to her now) - having previously been told that she couldn't have children (she's 44 years old) - and (possibly) in a new relationship with her paramour to hide her conscience behind. She's most likely in a very deep state of denial that might take years to break down, or may never break down at all. Once the new relationship gets beyond the honeymoon stage - who knows what will happen. And, who cares? In Scotland we have a phrase that goes "H*ll mend ye!" in 3 - 5 years time, I'll be moved on. She'll still be carrying her burden. Edited March 2, 2013 by Thunderchild
Author lavenderlove Posted March 3, 2013 Author Posted March 3, 2013 Oh, this is terrible! It is exactly how my parent's relationship ended, but the other way around, it was my dad who cheated. It was so sad to see my mum loose all her self respect and strength. I wish she understood what we figured out just recently. Two years ago, when I broke up with this same guy I wasn't sure if I am doing the right thing by leaving him. Now, the second time around I am totally sure of myself, so I hope the recovery will be easier now. Last time I felt really really horrible, and trust me I am the kind of person, who can hit the floor hard, and somehow I just started naturally focusing on other things, and he just faded and faded, and eventually I told him not to contact me anymore, and that was the point when he clicked, and started courting me again. Well this time around there is nothing he can do to get me back. Anyways, I just wanted to tell you, that I think you will be over her a lot quicker than you think. Just relax, and enjoy being freed from her. The pain will eventually go away, just do things that make you happy and do not dwell on HER issues too much...they are not your issues. Love, Lavender
sserrano49 Posted March 3, 2013 Posted March 3, 2013 Hey everyone! I have just realised one amazing thing! I have been with this guy for 8 years, and everyone is telling me now, that it was a good idea to move on(my story is under 8years+no ring=breakup) and I feel it is. And on top of that I think hey I have a 100% clear conscience. The only thing that has done me in, was my patience, my optimism, my faith in him, and hope for the good things I so much desired. Consequently everything I did, I did out of a positive attitude and even though I am the one in pain, and misery right now, I am in the clear. I really gave my best, and there is no more I could have done, the consequences are outside of me. coming from a man it shouldnt take that long to propose. To me i knew within the first year if i wanted to take it serious with a girl. You did the right thing theres a lot of guys out there who are seriously looking to settle down he just wasnt one of them.
Author lavenderlove Posted March 3, 2013 Author Posted March 3, 2013 Thanks sserrano49, I think so too. There is no way I will wait for this long again.
creighton0123 Posted March 3, 2013 Posted March 3, 2013 I see it from a different perspective given that in most states, I cannot legally marry anyone I date. You must ask yourself why marriage is so important to you. Is it because it is something you want as a goal in your life or is it because that is what society has conditioned you to pursue? If the former, then you should most definitely find a partner with the same goal. If the later, then you were wrong for pushing so hard for it to the point of ending what was otherwise a very good relationship. The more important question, however, is why was it so important for him that he not get married? Seems to me that holding off for eight years something that was very important for you, but not a big deal for him, left the bigger sacrifice on your plate - an action that was extremely selfish on his part.
Author lavenderlove Posted March 3, 2013 Author Posted March 3, 2013 Marriage for me is a symbol of finding peace, arriving home, expressing to the world, that he is the one I chose. Now, the importance of making this step in a relationship is becoming less obvious these days, but if we look at the history of many different cultures, there is similar thread running through all, which is, that when people fall in love, they tend to tie their lives together openly in front of their community. Now some people today view this act as a pressure by society, and one of the things you have to tick off. I don't. He had three, me being the third long term relationships. The first two lasted 6 years. I know, I should have known from the beginning. I have been trying to work out why he is so adamant on not marrying, especially now, that he lost me. We spoke about this a lot too. I still don't know. Or maybe it is more simple than I have been wanting to admit to myself. He just doesn't love me. Whenever he needed to express his feelings towards me he often said ILY of course, but he mainly pressed the points how beautiful, intelligent and creative he thinks I am, and I kind overlooked this fact until now. I think I am a person for him, who he enjoyed as a lover, loved to discuss life with, and we shared many creative artistic endeavours. It was fun, and he just pushed it as far as he could. Even though I am suffering more than he is, I kind feel sorry for him for not living life to it's depths. He lost more that I did. He lost something he could have had, and I lost something I couldn't have had.
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