vanek26 Posted March 2, 2013 Posted March 2, 2013 I am a 23 year old male, for starters. Here's the backstory: In November I met a girl at a club located about an hour away from my house. A few hours later I was at her apartment having sex with her. 'Don't worry, I'm on birth control' were her words and we had great sex 3 times in that night. I left and didn't really think twice about her afterwards. On the day after Christmas, she texted me to shoot to breeze and see how I had been. A little into the conversation, she casually let me know 'By the way, I'm pregnant :/' So yeah, that happened. But this isn't about my poor decision making or any of that. I've had a couple months to completely agonize over it. This is about how I continue my life from this point on. I have no interest in trying to be with this girl, in fact I thought it would have been the logical thing for her to get an abortion. But she is adamantly against that, so I'm going to be a father come August. And I plan to be a very active involved parent. We'll just have to set up a custody agreement. But how is this going to impact my love life? I was already having a horrible time attracting women. (the girl I knocked up... I hate to say it, is far from someone I would want to date. She is quite overweight actually) And it seems like me having a child doesn't exactly make me more appealing. Quite the opposite, actually. I don't want to be limited to only dating other single moms or just finding someone unattractive because i'm desperate to settle. But what's the reality here? At the beginning of February I decided to try dating again, and started talking to several girls. The thing is, I didn't tell any of them about my little situation. I figured it wasn't worth it because generally women float out of my life a week or two after I meet them. But eventually, I'll have to be honest especially if it's a girl I really like. I've been thinking lately, and is it possible that this could act as a boon to my dating life? It sounds crazy, but hear me out. So many women seem to have that 'Jesus Christ complex' where they are attracted to someone with some fatal flaw that they think they can fix. It's part of the reason why so many women stay with guys who are drug users, abusive, etc. Could this be my 'edge'? Before this, I always thought I was a little too boring for most women. Well spoken, educated, hard-working... nothing to get excited about. With all the drama surrounding a child born from a one night stand, maybe women will somehow find this to be attractive? Maybe I'm just trying too hard to make sense of this though. I know it's going to be difficult when I inevitably get turned down by a girl because I'm a father. I know there's more to life than dating, but it's always been very important that I find someone who I can truly be happy with. That's why I signed up for this forum several years ago and have constantly put myself out there trying to meet women. Your thoughts? Anyone with a similar experience? Also, in case this comes up, in no way am I trying to use my child as a tool to get girls. I realize the immense responsibility that comes with being a parent and I wouldn't compromise that at all. But realistically I am still going to want to date and have my own life too.. so this is a pretty important issue. Thanks!
Soxfaninfl Posted March 2, 2013 Posted March 2, 2013 More than likely your only going to see your child every other weekend since you and the mother were never together. The child won't be in our life that much since you probably will only see the child four days a month. It would be different I guess if the two of you together, but more than likely a judge won't give that much time especially since the mother will be caring for it after it's born for quite a while. As far as dating goes, I would mention it until three or four dates have gone by. Don't be surprised if childless women in there 20's don't want to be with you. You have baggage now. Women with no children in there 30's are more willing to date a man with a child. My advice to you, wear a condom next time. You want to get an uncurable std like HIV, HPV or herpes. Good luck!
Eggplant Posted March 2, 2013 Posted March 2, 2013 And I plan to be a very active involved parent. We'll just have to set up a custody agreement. I'm now 26, female, no kids. I recognized that my ex was an active, loving father. It's one of the reasons I fell in love with him. The advantage of dating a man with children is you already know what kind of dad he makes, and whether he steps up when things get rough. I much prefer to date a man without kids yet, but I occassionally look at men with children. I would look critically on the every other weekend deal after a certain age. Why not 50/50? I come from divorced parents, and I was happy with 50-50 custody. I recommend having your son or daughter half time, except in the beginning if there is breastfeeding. Also, I would note how well he interacted and treated the mother of his child. If he got along well and treated her well, that would be a major green flag. Conversely if he couldn't work together with her amicably for his child's sake, that would be a major red flag. Also, remember that your baby-mamma wants the same thing: to be able to have her own life. So she will want nights off to date and whatnot, and you will have to compromise with her. Curious: Why are you loath to date single mothers as a single father? It's not as though they're scarce. Finally, I second the above poster -- get a DNA test just in case.
Soxfaninfl Posted March 2, 2013 Posted March 2, 2013 I'm now 26, female, no kids. I would look critically on the every other weekend deal after a certain age. Why not 50/50? I come from divorced parents, and I was happy with 50-50 custody. I recommend having your son or daughter half time, except in the beginning if there is breastfeeding. 50/50 only works good if the child is older. I wouldn't recommend that when the child is an infant. When I went thru my divorce my son was 6, so 50/50 was ideal. Also, the mother has to be willing to want 50/50. Otherwise you'll be spending some bucks on a lawyer trying to get that. I know I did. My ex wanted the child support money obviously. I had to fight for 50/50. Hopefully you won't if you want it.
StanMusial Posted March 2, 2013 Posted March 2, 2013 Get that paternity test pronto. Also STD tests. Some girls like her sleep around all over the place then when they get knocked up try to pick one random guy who seems the most stable, has the most money, the best family, etc. to be the "father".
Eggplant Posted March 3, 2013 Posted March 3, 2013 50/50 only works good if the child is older. I wouldn't recommend that when the child is an infant. When I went thru my divorce my son was 6, so 50/50 was ideal. Also, the mother has to be willing to want 50/50. Otherwise you'll be spending some bucks on a lawyer trying to get that. I know I did. My ex wanted the child support money obviously. I had to fight for 50/50. Hopefully you won't if you want it. Yes, I agree that it's better for an infant not to be 50/50. I benefited very from living with both parents regularly, so I think this arrangement is in the child's best interest and worth fighting for with money and lawyers. But every situation is different.
Author vanek26 Posted March 3, 2013 Author Posted March 3, 2013 Thanks for the replies guys. For the most part though, please try to keep it on topic. With all due respect, I didn't make this post to talk about getting checked for STDs, using protection, custody agreements, or anything like that. They are all valid concerns, but not for this forum. Assuming I have the child anywhere from every other weekend to a 50/50 split, the question is how will it impact my ability to attract women? Especially considering I'm only 23, so the girls I tend to date are around 20-23 themselves. Definitely not prime ages for dating someone who is a parent. To respond to an earlier point, it's not that I wouldn't date a single mom. Some of the most attractive women I've ever been with were single mothers. The issue is I don't want to feel like I have to limit myself to that. Another question: once this child is born, how do you think I should go about introducing the fact that I'm a parent to potential girls. Most of the women I date tend to come from PoF or OkC so it's not something that I can omit from my profile without looking shady.
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