Interesting life...helllp...

[m.rasp]

Where to begin...Hopelessly in love with someone, but neither of us know who we are anymore. Recently discovered and actions makes this impossible but I don't know how to cope. I know this is long, but maybe someone will have enough interest to read, I really need advice.

 

 

Myself: F, early 20's, emotionally, physically, sexually abused when younger, attempted suicide in high school along with eating disorders but finally decided I was worth something, then was raped and assaulted in college, scammed out of money too which put me back in the hostile home.

 

Finally started to put things in order and then I met a guy, he was the most amazing person to me. I fell in love instantly, felt a strong connection, and thought we were perfect. He left for work and it became a long distance relationship. We im'd everyday. Right after he left my best friend since middle school came home from college and I hung out with her, she thought of an idea for money, which I wasn't ok with but I thought give it a try what do you have to lose, she's your friend you should be with her. We exotic danced for a few nights and then decided it wasn't our thing. At this time I was only dating my man for a couple weeks and I didn't tell him because it was very confidential between us and god forbid if we broke up he may had told everyone, and no one besides my friend and I knew.

 

Our relationship grew into more than what I imagined and we even talked about getting married so we could be together, the only way for me be with him physically for 2 years till he could return. I wanted to be with him more than anything in the world. I had been searching for work at this time and was alone in financial matters, doing cleaning work and yard work mainly till I found an ad for modeling on craigslist. The modeling agency contacted me, said they were very interested, would like to set up a meeting. I was so excited, told them about my plans to move and they said they could send me to an agency where my man lived and even pay for my move. I told him all about the opportunity and he seemed excited as well. In the meeting I learned the hard way to never meet someone alone. I never thought what happened could have, never thought it was a huge scam. Young and dumb.

 

It was going great for about a half hour or so and then I can't remember much of what happened, he told me something along the lines of I'm going to need some incentive to give you this contract, your beautiful, I could come and visit you etc, your too young to get married, but I will help you if you help me. I was a bit confused and upset, he made an advance on me, I pushed him away and cried. I'm not sure what happened next but I get images of him trying to touch me, I think I passed out. I woke up in the room, grabbed my stuff, went to my car and sat there. I wasn't sure what happened, it seemed like some nightmare. The agency contacted me afterwards and basically told me I wasn't getting the contract because I told the guy no, refused him. I started flipping out when I realized what happened, was suicidal, then decided to try and get justice. I had some crazy plan to make this guy pay, so I acted all nice to them, tried getting them to "give me another chance".

 

I ended up quitting the nonsense and leaving it alone. I decided to move on and hoped I could get over this horrible event. My man meant the world to me and I felt so loved by him I didn't want to throw my life away I thought I could let it in the past and move on.

 

We got married a few months later and I ended up moving to him several months later. Things were great at first. We were so in love. He had to leave for work for several months and I was left alone in a foreign country. I became horribly depressed, went to get meds because I was afraid of myself. He came back for a couple weeks, and then went back. While he was gone he developed health issues. I was no longer just depressed, I had panic attacks, I was so afraid he wasn't going to come home.

 

He finally came home and I thought all was well in the world, I was exhausted but no longer unhappy. He soon became this depressed person that didn't want me most of the time, all he did was sleep and work. I wound up crying for hours everyday while he was at work because I didn't know what to do, I went to my counselor and they told me it was normal, your fine. I tried getting us to do stuff together even watch a movie, etc. Things started looking up, I started seeing the real him again. We lived with an up and down relationship for over a year. It's been very difficult but I loved him so much and just wanted the person he used to be to come back to me. I missed him.

 

Recently it was amazing we were going to live our dream. We moved and in the process of getting an apartment he became impatient with me. One night after I fight he decided to check my email, and found the ones from that horrible event, and woke me up in a rage, I was very scared. He said he was going to leave because I cheated on him, which wasn't the case and I couldn't get him to listen to what happened. He said the truth was in the emails and I was a liar. I am not a liar, I love him so much and now we've been separated for a month. He's been going on my facebook and email and accusing me of cheating on him with every guy I've talked to. He said I've just manipulated him and it's all fake. I don't know what to do, I can't sleep, eat right, and my chest has been pounding. I've gave so much of myself to him, stopped school, left family and friends, and moved to another country where I was alone most of the time just so we could be together as much as possible.

 

I feel like everything is lost. I keep wanting to just pick myself up but everything reminds me of him, I don't know how to move on, I love him so much. I have no friends and now I'm living with my aunt who pretty much ignores me most of the time. Everyone I've talked to says that no man is worth it and I'll find happiness again I just need to move on but I don't know how. I wish I could forget. I wish I could go back and tell myself and prevent this horror. I feel like I'm in some horrible dream and I'm going to wake up and it's going to be ok.

 

 

He just keeps telling me that I've done everything wrong that he married a lie. I'm not even the only one who's hid something though but if I bring anything up he says I'm just trying to blame him, that I'm the only one at fault and I ruined his life. I mean months ago I found a conversation between two women he met while he was gone and we were married at this point. He asked them to get naked, and the one saw him naked. (He was talking to these women while he was telling me he had horrible health issues and I was freaking out). His explanation was that he didn't cheat, they saw both of us nude in bed on skype, but I don't ever remember this, I remember going on omegle and being anonymous but not skype. I would never have done it if we knew the people watching. Also, it worries me that he has so many e-mails and if he was talking to these women maybe he was talking to others?

 

 

He's seems to be just moving on with life, been hanging out with friends and just forgetting me. He told me when we were married that he would never forget me and I meant the world to him. Now I feel like I was just easily thrown away and it hurts so much, especially when he reasoning for doing it is wrong and I have no way to prove it. I would have literally accepted anything from him whatever he did and still loved him as long as he loved me and it hurts so much. I feel like my insides have been ripped out and stomped on and everyday it's same. I don't want to go outside I don't want to see people, I just want to disappear. I don't see the point of life if it's going to be like this, because it's always been like this, as soon as I have something good in life it gets taken away.

[TaraMaiden]

This is not an interesting life.

This is a tragedy.

You seem to have succeeded in rolling along from one disaster to another.

 

Did you ever have therapy and counselling with regard to your experiences as a young person?

You have no safety net, no buffer zone, no safe place to go or soft place to fall.

 

You've opened yourself up to several situations of being taken advantage of, because you have no boundaries and I suspect you have a quest to be loved and accepted, but you latch onto the first good thing that comes along.

 

The man you married is not the man you were hoping to marry. Turns out he seems pretty much in the mould of previous snakes.

 

My advice to you would be to go to your doctor and ask for a referral to a therapist, a qualified psychologist because you need to sort the mess that is your mind.

 

You are an abused person.

You are in a victim mindset, still.

 

You've had to deal with an awful lot of dreadful experiences, it doesn't surprise me that you've barely coped.

 

Then file for divorce.

The man is not worth sticking with, and he sounds like a nasty piece of work.

The truth is, so far, you've had nothing good in life.

You've blundered form one sad situation to another.

 

Get therapy, be single and start building your own life, for yourself, by yourself.

 

Steer clear of all and any men, until you establish solid boundaries and you have a better "Jerk-radar".

 

I'm sorry you've been going through it, and that it doesn't appear to be over.

But there is a future for you.

See a professional and get to the bottom of your hindrances.

And divorce this man.

He's become a pointless appendage you need to get rid of.

[m.rasp]

He keeps telling me that I don't deserve any sympathy. I tried talking to a friend of mine and he blew up at me after he went on my facebook and found me talking to her. He says all he wanted was a good wife who loved him and kids and a nice house and I am a POS. He's told everyone that I cheated on him for a contract, when I never had sex with the man and I didn't get the contract, I told him no. I feel so stupid for thinking I was getting a real chance and what happened was my fault for meeting the guy.

 

I've told anyone all the things that have happened to me, he doesn't even know. I even have a huge scar down there from a guy raping me in college and he doesn't believe me. Says I'm just making everything up.

 

 

I want the pain to go away. I don't have anyone to talk to, I don't have any money or health insurance, I don't have a doctor. I wish I did I need someone to talk to so bad and all I have is my mother whom I am now friendly with but she caused me a lot of trauma when I was younger with anger issues and such. She never noticed when things were happening to me. She didn't notice I was trying to kill myself until I was 90lbs and I'm 5'11''. I can't even get over the disorder completely, I'm relapsing and I've been losing weight again. My head won't stop hurting. My chest wont stop pounding.

 

I thought he would love me no matter what as long as I loved him and now he hates me. I'm a good person, I try to help everyone even people at the grocery store that can't find something. I've been there to comfort him and take care of him when I couldn't take care of myself because I was so stressed with everything. He wanted me to go to school or get a job and I took classes full time 18 credits and had just moved and he expected me to do everything. I did all the cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, got him things he needed for work and I was shoved away because I was sad. He wouldn't even let me sleep with him because I have body temp issues where I'll be either boiling hot or extremely cold, it's not something I can even control. The person I fell in love with opened doors for me and would sit there and listen to me and we would have long meaningful conversations and lay on eachother and he would wrap me in his arms and tell me how much he loved me. He told me how beautiful I was and made me feel special. We shared our hopes and dreams and now everythings gone. I have no hopes or dreams just pain. He's not even the man I fell in love with I don't know if he'll ever be. It makes me so sad that he might just be able to forget me and love someone else and maybe they're better, I never thought anyone was better than me no matter what we're all human but I don't even feel human any more. I'm like **** stuck to the bottom of his shoe. =/ </3

[TaraMaiden]

This is how deep in despair you are.

You haven't addressed a single thing I've said to you.

 

Register with a doctor and tell HER (Make sure it's female!) that you are in serious need of help.

Truly.

DO something for yourself.

because while you're in this deep, the only way out is with professional help.

 

I don't care about him, or what he says, doe or thinks.

 

The priority is to get you seen by someone trained to help you.

[m.rasp]

How do you find someone low cost I haven't seen anything that isn't $100 an hr and I only have 1,000 to live on right now.

[TaraMaiden]

If that's all you have, invest it in yourself.

There has to be an organisation that assists abused women, or a charity that will help you.

 

Do some research for local organisations.

There are ways out of this for you.

But you need to take that step and understand that you deserve this for yourself.

 

But you can't do this on your own.

Find a local association or organisation, because you need to take that first step.

[todreaminblue]

what tara said about getting therapy would be good for you even if its talk therapy, also domestic violence organisations normally hold free groups where you would meet women who can share their stories which make you see and feel not so alone.......besides the sexual and or physical abuse you suffered when younger your husband exhibits signs of domestic violence against you this includes controlling behavior confrontational verbal abuse and making you feel less than who you are are signs of domestic abuse ...whether you are with him now or not the effects remain......the same with sexual assault.....i know these things because i have gone through them and to a certain degree still do mainly verbal abuse but i have strategies learned from years of therapy ......on an doff...if it gets too much for me to deal with i seek therapy.......i am starting family therapy soon with one of my daughters....no one is game to physically assault me now or anymore for that matter who knows me.......i took the steps i needed to be able to protect myself..... self defense classes fro women also is a way fro you to gain positive experiences in regards to yrou personal safety and meet like minded women who want to be able to defend themselves......

 

 

as far as your husband goes...you have no control over how he behaves or what he says all you have control over are the choices you make and what you allow.......i have friends with drug and or alcohol issues they are hard to handle....the majority of the time i can mediate and talk them round into behaving in a civil manner...sometimes i cant...you have to know when to walk away.......

 

 

 

 

 

i am a forgiving person and its hard for em to know when to walk away to tell the truth i hardly ever do.......i am a bit desensitized to abuse comes from copping it more than i should...i will never let a man take total control of me or lose who i am again ....its taken years for me to get back my identity(with those years comes mistakes and growth) and the only man i want to be with will respect that identity and love me for who i am ....i would walk at abuse.....its taken years...and you are in for a hard time and a lot of healing over scars already dealt.......that havent healed properly ...

 

 

take some time for you ...you are unique and you were born into this world to have happiness.....no man should want to take happiness away from you but add to it through the hard times and you should feel the same it should be mutual

 

 

i can say a couple of positives for you......when you have been through really rough spots and gotten through it can you appreciate when good things happen and cherish every minute.......and also in my opinion when you have seen the ugliness a man can have in his heart you can see the goodness in another's heart and recognize how special that is if you have survivors mentality ...you learn as you live

 

i dont believe i have a victims mentality.....i have been a victim and i have survived it as have you...so therefore my belief is that we have survivors mentality.........so you have survived in spite of a callous husband and a tragic past, now you need to heal for a while......i wish you much happiness in life and everything that you deserve to have...hugs to ya....deb

[ChessPieceFace]

Sorry for the trauma you've endured.

 

I'm at a low point in my life also, and often feel paralyzing and overwhelming despair for mistakes that have wrecked my life and perhaps wrecked others' lives. I try to console myself with 2 things that might help you also. #1 is that I always had good intentions, regardless of the ways I've failed. #2 is that what was, was. It's written. We torture ourselves with "what if"s; our mind does that to try to learn from mistakes and plan better for future situations. However, sometimes it's very detrimental to us. Holding on to expectations about things that were not / cannot be is just pointless self-torture.

 

You've had to endure terrible and unusual traumatic events. Your ex seems to have not understood this, to not have been able to trust you, and to have had serious problems with the relationship to begin with. I think it's likely that your mistake, rather than causing the end of your marriage (as you torture yourself thinking) just made it happen sooner rather than later. Which, if it is the case (though no one can say for sure), could definitely be seen as a good thing.

 

As other posters have said, you need counseling for the things you've been though. There's a forum on the board dealing with abuse, maybe ask there about support groups or ways to talk to counselors more cheaply. RAINN might have counselors who could help, I don't know.

 

Your ex isn't the only good man in the world (actually from your description he doesn't even sound particularly good...) There are lots of good men in the world. But you'll need to heal and get to a better place mentally before you could have a good relationship with them. And it's possible you could reconcile with your ex (though you shouldn't torture yourself with the idea), but the advice is the same. You need to start healing first.

[m.rasp]

No, it was not a modeling audition. It was a meeting to supposedly look over the contract and get some prof. pictures (was told to bring 3 outfits). Sorry only knew him two weeks and when I danced, and only did it for a few nights. I thought he was going to leave and I'd never see him again... and that changed and I wish I would had told him, I mean I don't see the dancing as wrong, most the women there are married. (As long as it's just dancing--no grinding,or extras)

[m.rasp]

Honestly like I said it seemed unreal at first, thought he was going to leave and not come back. I had brought up the topic several times, I actually told him where I was going and im'd him from there. He didn't have a problem with me being there but it wasn't his thing (actually told me he never went into one). But, after bringing it up later he said strippers are whores, everyone knows you can take them in the back and they'll give you a bj. Said he had been in several (he lied at first). We'll I'm not like that but try explaining that to someone who knows it all apparently...I can't even say a guy looks nice without him getting jealous, but he tell me how all these girls (internet, in person, at his work, etc.) are sooo hot and bangable...

[m.rasp]

Actually not all ads on craigslist are scams, I've worked for several companies that posted ads on craigslist and they are legitimate.

[outsidethebox]

just get another guy. move on.

[m.rasp]

I guess the thing that kills me the most about him being so hateful about stripping is that when I did it we were dating to him, but I didn't know where we were. We had gone on two dates, and then we were only iming, I wasn't interested in other guys but I didn't know what kind of relationship we had. I think it was wrong of me not to tell him but I was desperate at the time. My car broke down and I needed money fast, friend needed money for college. We only made a few hundred each when we stopped. I thought he was really open minded at first too, he used to like it when guys hit on me "like yeah that's mine thanks" then he became offended. When we were first together I really didn't care about life much didn't care about the next day, but he changed my mind made me think that maybe there was a future. I stopped being reckless and actually took care of myself, I should've been doing that in the first place but nothing mattered. I didn't want to die, but I didn't care if I did and I didn't have anyone other than my bf that would have or even questioned if I was gone for months. While I was going to college I lived out of my car for 3 months and no one cared, no one called, no one called back. And this was only a couple months before I met him.