waterwoman Posted March 2, 2013 Posted March 2, 2013 H told me yesterday. Apparently it's common knowledge at work apart from to him! Neither she nor any of her little clique have will have anything to do with him now so he was the last to hear. It's her STBXH' s baby. I was so glad he told me. I don't want any secrets anymore. I asked him if he was ok with it and he just and he just shrugged and said yes. Not a flicker or reaction. Fingers crossed she's out of his system. 2
whichwayisup Posted March 3, 2013 Posted March 3, 2013 You both 100 percent sure that the baby is her ex's?? Anyway hopefully it is and she's moved on for everybody's sake. 2
whichwayisup Posted March 3, 2013 Posted March 3, 2013 H told me yesterday. Apparently it's common knowledge at work apart from to him! Neither she nor any of her little clique have will have anything to do with him now so he was the last to hear. It's her STBXH' s baby. I was so glad he told me. I don't want any secrets anymore. I asked him if he was ok with it and he just and he just shrugged and said yes. Not a flicker or reaction. Fingers crossed she's out of his system. Eek, that's a loaded question right there. What if he had said, actually no I'm not OK with it. Then again, I doubt very much he'd even admit to that.. Sorry I cant' remember, how long ago did their A end? And how long has NC been in place? They still work together?
skylarblue Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 I was so glad he told me. I don't want any secrets anymore. I asked him if he was ok with it and he just and he just shrugged and said yes. Not a flicker or reaction. Fingers crossed she's out of his system. Why would you ask him that? Did you really need that type of reassurance? It just seem so sad, and I mean this from a sympathetic and remorseful place, not a sarcastic one. One thing that really came to bother me is the thought of all of the doubt I helped to create of the W in herself and her M, and all of the hurt and work she would have to endure (which seems to be greater than the H's) due to circumstances she neither deserved nor had control over. I'm so sorry your M was changed in that way. 4
Author waterwoman Posted March 4, 2013 Author Posted March 4, 2013 Thanks for your replies. Yes trinity, I asked out of concern for him. He loved her during the affair. I know he loves me too and has made his decision but I wanted to know that he wasn't upset. Regarding the father of her baby, no we can't be sure who it is of course. We can be sure that it isn't h though. He had a vasectomy 10 yrs ago. D-day was 8 months ago. 2
Author waterwoman Posted March 4, 2013 Author Posted March 4, 2013 BTW re doubt, yes that is something I have that I never did before. So my marriage has been changed, but it has also been changed for the better. It's more open, it's stronger, we talk more than we have for years, we've recognised the problems. Whether it's enough for me now I don't know. It's all gingerbread and not much gilt. We'll see. 1
skylarblue Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 To me it sounded as if waterwoman was asking out of care for her husband. I thought that was sweet and thoughtful of her. Interesting? I'm now curious about that. Hopefully, waterwoman will answer it. My perspective leads towards reassurance because of the comment she made about having her fingers crossed that the OW was out of his system from his (non)reaction. I actually had a bf that I dumped to to be with someone that I cheated on him with, but then ended up going back to my bf but heartbroken over the OP. He was very understanding, caring, and patient with me grieving emotionally over another R (under those unfavorable circumstances) while I was in a R with him. Even though I was very grateful and it may have ended up saving our R, it shouldn't have had to be that way. Helping me get over the AP shouldn't have had to be his burden in addition to everything else. I don't think she (in example but generally) should have to care about how he feels about the OW as in consideration to his emotional healing/desire/detachment from her. I think the care she shows in inquiry about his feelings towards the OW should be in consideration of their reconciling. Concern and discussion about MM's feeling for the OW should be in effort to heal the M, not to heal his broken heart. I'm not saying she/it's/you are wrong or debating your view at all, just giving my perspective. It just seems so unfair, and should be the opposite way around. Again, it really does sadden me. The whole A affect. The fact that the/a M was a victim of infidelity and all the issues that comes with that saddens me, and thinking how I was party to causing that kind of a non-replicable damage to a M.....all a sad situation to me. Waterwoman, however you two work though it, I just hope you work through it successfully and find the happiness you desire and deserve in life and your M.
Author waterwoman Posted March 4, 2013 Author Posted March 4, 2013 And thanks for being gentle everyone x 1
Author waterwoman Posted March 4, 2013 Author Posted March 4, 2013 If my perception is correct, of course waterwoman is relieved and hoping "she's out of his system". She loves him and wants their marriage to continue and to be good. I sympathize very much with this emotion of "hoping she's out of his system" having been the BS myself. I think her way of action shows a strong, caring, wonderful woman who truly cares about her husband and her marriage. I think they have a very good chance at reconciliation given the strong foundation she is contributing to by caring about him and being understanding that finding out that his xOW is pregnant may emotionally impact him even when he is giving 100% in reconciling with her. No secrets, honesty, openness, space to share the reality whatever it is, that's how to rebuild a marriage. Thankyou trinity. The bolded is exactly how it is. I don't like it but it's what I took on when I agreed to reconcile. 1
skylarblue Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 Sorry waterwoman. The page didn't refresh so I was unaware that you'd already addressed it when I posted.
Author waterwoman Posted March 4, 2013 Author Posted March 4, 2013 It always takes my messages ages to appear so my response wasn't there when you did. no probs x
nofool4u Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 I was so glad he told me. I don't want any secrets anymore. I asked him if he was ok with it and he just and he just shrugged and said yes. His ass better be ok with it!!!
skylarblue Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 Waterwoman, I know it's hypothetical, but what would you have done if he said he wasn't okay with it, if he said he was upset by it because he still loved her? And if I may ask and you're kind enough to answer, you said "fingers crossed she's out of his system". Does that mean you doubt he's over all feelings for her? If you discuss things openly, wouldn't you pretty much know where his feelings for her lay? Or am I just taking the "fingers crossed" comment too literally (I read it as "I hope she's out of his system" and as not being sure that she is). I'd like to reiterate that I'm asking with no disrespect intended. So my marriage has been changed, but it has also been changed for the better. It's more open, it's stronger, we talk more than we have for years, we've recognised the problems. Totally understand. I know it's a part of life (and growth and improvement if you're lucky), but sometimes you (not you personally) wish you just didn't have to learn things the hard way, you know. Your husband is a lucky man, waterwoman. Indeed.
Author waterwoman Posted March 4, 2013 Author Posted March 4, 2013 Skylar - tbh I was 99% sure of his reply before I asked. But I didn't want him to feel he couldn't talk about it if he wanted to. I don't really know how I would have reacted if he had said that he was distressed by the news but even so I would still have had to ask. Bit of an elephant in the room otherwise. Thanks for the good wishes x And yes he is bloody lucky I think he knows that now.
skylarblue Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 Thanks for responding. I completely understand now.
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