On the razor's edge - she betrayed me - is another shot even worth it?

[Lost Fish]

Hey all. I need a little guidance at a critical point in my life:

 

Back in October 2012 the woman I had been dating (who I was deeply in love with and had known since 2008) made a horrible mistake and slept with her ex. I had been utterly in love with her, and she knew it. We had even had talks about kids and marriage and we even had looked at houses together ...

 

Meanwhile, unfortunately for me, her life was still intertwined with this ex of hers - they worked together in her cousin's business (he flips and sells houses). This was a thorn in my side since the beginning with her and a constant source of fighting between us.

 

She and I had been getting more and more serious over the course of 2012, especially through the summer, spending more and more time together.

 

Her ex had previously been with her since high school and they were even briefly engaged (when she first met me), but she broke it off with him when she basically realized that he was a douche and incapable of giving her the life and love she needed. I am not lying when I say that this guy is emotionally retarded. He had continually taken her for granted for years and the only reason he even proposed to her was because his family forced him to (she revealed all of this history to me as I became a closer to her). She is currently 27. I'm 34.

 

After an odd weekend where I barely heard from her last October she told me what had happened. I was so gutted I completely went ballistic. She was utterly lost to me in old feelings for this ex and we had an epic fight and a horrific breakup. I was in so much pain I put my fist through a closet door (I've never reacted like that to anything ever). Enduring what she did to me was the most intense white hot pain I've ever felt in my life (I've since repaired the door too - you can't even tell).

 

I had an extremely rough time over the holidays and we had limited communication via text that that lead to an epic fight also over text on Christmas. After that I finally cut her out of my life completely. I told her to forget I ever existed and to enjoy her miserable life with that pathetic excuse of a man.

 

Last week (after 50 days or so of total no contact), she sent me some messages on Skype while I was offline and revealed to me that she can never apologize enough for what happened and that she has been completely paralyzed in life and has been unable to move forward (or backward) with her old ex. She even left her condo and has been living at home with her parents since the new year.

 

All of it has set my head spinning. All this time in No Contact, I had imagined that she had gone back to that scumbag and was working things out with him. So now to hear that that is not the case at all, and that her life has basically fallen apart since everything happened has really done a number on me. I found myself dwelling on her and yearning to be with her again. We've spoken a few times online and I can tell she was sort of testing the waters with me.

 

I need to note here that we get along on so many levels and we are so completely compatible that it sort of blew my mind as I got to know her over the years. We share the same passions and have the same worldview, we had forged and gently built this deep connection where we even would have simultaneous dreams. I know, it's crazy. But six months ago I would have told you this girl was my soul mate. I need you all to understand the depth of my emotion for her.

 

So of course as we IMed last week I reminded her of how much I had loved her. I told her I was sorry she was having such a rough time, but I also reminded her of how broken I was from her mistake. I was just starting to get my life together when she contacted me (ain't that always the way).

 

I told her I thought things were maybe worth trying again, but as before, she is still in this state of confusion and paralysis. She said that for once in her life she feels like she is finally living selfishly for her own well-being and is figuring things out. I told her I understood and backed off completely.

 

That was how things last ended and now I find myself really yearning for her and hoping there may be a chance for us. I really hope she can break free of her feelings and attachments to her old dysfunctional mess with her ex... and I know she has some emotional issues, but I still feel like she is worth it. I know the work situation for her will have to change and she needs to get that dude out of her life.

 

So.. I'm not even really sure what I'm asking here.. I guess I just need some outside advice based on what I've said to see if this thing is even worth saving or if I should suck it up and finally totally let her go. I'm lucky in that the past 50 days have shown me I can make it without her, but also the new information I found out about her has rekindled the flame in me.

 

I literally feel like my life is on the razor's edge right now and things could go either way...

 

At this point all I know is that I won't contact her at all right now and am just waiting to see what happens next...

[Survivor12]

Just something to think about...Cheating is not a mistake, it's a choice.

[Toddbt12y1]

First, you have to accept somethings.

 

1) Cheating is never, ever, a Mistake. Do not cheapen what she has done, by calling it a mistake. Spilling a cup of water; that is a mistake. Putting action, by taking your clothes off, and spreading your legs, is no mere mistake. I assure you.

 

2)She is still attached to her ex. That is never good. A huge red-sign. Not as huge as the cheating though.

 

A shot? Sure, if you'd like to be cheated on again. I personally wouldn't. There are better people out there. You need to go and find those better people. Do not be a doormat.

 

Cheating is the ultimate crime in a relationship. It is a type of evil abuse. Do not lightly excuse this. You may love her, but she ruined it all. It was her actions; not yours. Do not let her twist this around.