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I'm on family vacation & xMM called me after 4mo of silence. WHY?!!

BrokenPrincess

By BrokenPrincess
in The Other Man / Woman

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BrokenPrincess Established Member

BrokenPrincess

Posted
Posted

Wow. I seriously can't believe it. The first thing he said was apologizing for how long it's taken him but that he had said he would keep in touch & so he was (??) He said everytime he wanted to contact me, something would happen to spook him (2 couples friends separating, dan marino story, etc). The I guess he was trying a couple ways how to that didnt work out & apparently ended up buying a burner phone and finally figured out how to use it. I just can't believe it. Even for him to figure out to get a prepaid phone is crazy. He's really archaic about technology stuff, can barely work his own phone & computer.

 

Anyway Updates on his M don't sound anything like what I've read here from BS stories after DDay. His W accepted his story of it just being an inappropriate cyber relationship. She didn't dig through the phone records and isn't throwing it in his face. They've told 1 friend. She's only brought me up twice since DDay. She's never said that she wants to talk to me. He said, given the circumstances, he's doing okay and they're getting better. Also that she's a little cold still and "not physically close but that will probably come with time".

 

(EWW WHY SHARE THAT WITH ME?!)

 

He mostly asked about me--how was I doing, questions about work, my son, etc. It was awkward. I felt like I was in shock.

 

I told him I still miss him (&@#% WHY DID I SAY THAT?!)

 

Even worse, he did not say it back. Ugh. Be more gut-wrenching.

 

Instead he told me that for the month after DDay, he felt like a drug addict going into withdrawal. (Sounds familiar) Then he told me of a couple things that had made him think of me. But no I miss you too. I felt stupid. Wish I could'veWow. I seriously can't believe it. XMM called today. The first thing he said was apologizing for how long it's taken him but that he had said he would keep in touch & then he went through some things he had thought of, but I guess in the end, he actually bought a burner phone and finally figured out how to use it.

 

After 15 minutes or so, he said, well I'd like to call you again sometime if this is okay with you...it will have to just be a random call now and then. So I paused and asked WHY do you want to do that? He said the last time he'd gotten to talk to me was in a car parking lot & only for 20 minutes.

 

I was still so shocked, I just agreed and said I don't want to restart either and a random occasional call would be ok.

(DAMMIT HAVE I LEARNED NOTHING HERE IN THE LAST 4 MONTHS?!)

 

Then it was like the tension ended and we talked & laughed a little bit like old times & caught up for another 30min til I said I had to go.

 

Total: 1 hour.

 

I felt pretty okay but shocked and overwhelmed with confusion when we hung up. If he didn't miss me (or even the ego boost I give him I guess?) why would he call?? To the extent of buying a burner phone?! He called yesterday too but I didn't answer the strange #. He then tried twice today and then emailed me that he was trying to call me if I could talk. That's not an impromptu phone call. Now, 12 hours later, I am relieved, pleased, mad, hopeful?, still really, really confused.

 

If anything, at least I have an idea now of where his W is in terms of possibly contacting me (or my H). And even though he may have gotten over it faster, at least post DDay he didn't just forget everything as the disgusting biggest mistake of his life like I had imagined.

 

And to top it all off, I happen to be on a family vacation right now. My head is spinning.

  • Like 1
RickFox Established Member

RickFox

Posted
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He is trying to reopen that door and you let him get a foot in it.

 

Seems as though he knows what to say but you are going to open yourself up for a world of more pain if you continue to talk to him. You know it already, but you need to shut that door, block that number and move on with your life.

 

Right now, you are like a crack addict, feeming for that next hit, you think you're okay now, wait till it all settles in and your head will be spinning even worse than what it is now.

  • Like 3
tbf Established Member

tbf

Posted
Posted
Also that she's a little cold still and "not physically close but that will probably come with time".

 

(EWW WHY SHARE THAT WITH ME?!)

This is a question you have to ask yourself. Why would he share this with you?

 

Translation:

 

The wife and I aren't having sex...yet...but if you and I....

 

Don't fall for it.

2sunny Established Member

2sunny

Posted
Posted

He needs sex. He figures he can get it from you.

 

Why not block all ways for him to reach you? That way you can focus on your healing and moving forward.

 

Notice he didn't offer you any change? He's STILL married and still looking to cheat.

  • Like 3
whichwayisup Established Member

whichwayisup

Posted
Posted

I'm not judging you at all, it is what it is - What I am shocked that you didn't just tell him "It's been 4 months, I've moved on. Hope life is good with you, but please do not call me again, thanks." and hang up. You spoke to him for an hour and told him it was OK to call on occasion. Trust me, BIG MISTAKE! You've opened the door a crack and he treated you poorly, the A is over and you just invited him back into your life. I'm sure he is kind of shocked that you weren't angry at him, that you took time from your holiday to speak to him.

Now he knows no matter what, you'll answer and be there for him..Or at least that is how his mind will take it.

  • Like 4
whichwayisup Established Member

whichwayisup

Posted
Posted

I felt pretty okay but shocked and overwhelmed with confusion when we hung up. If he didn't miss me (or even the ego boost I give him I guess?) why would he call?? To the extent of buying a burner phone?! He called yesterday too but I didn't answer the strange #. He then tried twice today and then emailed me that he was trying to call me if I could talk. That's not an impromptu phone call. Now, 12 hours later, I am relieved, pleased, mad, hopeful?, still really, really confused.

Yes, he wants to continue the A with you and if you allow him back into your life at all, your marriage is doomed. think of your husband! Wasn't long ago you were terrified your H was going to find out the truth. Is risking it ALL again worth a few minutes of fun with exMM? He isn't exMM if you are hopeful and thinking of him again.

 

Sorry, but I think you've made a real big mistake by allowing him back into your life.

  • Like 3
2sunny Established Member

2sunny

Posted
Posted

Im not even sure the need to ask "why"?

 

You do know, right?

 

You can, once again, hand him ALL your power (like you did today) - OR - you can call him back now and tell him never to contact you again unless he wants his wife to find out.

 

That would be taking your power back - that would be a good place to start!

  • Like 1
Tenacity Established Member

Tenacity

Posted
Posted

Oh my gosh. I'm so sorry to read this.

 

He came fishing because he wanted to know that you were still there. Having found out that you are, he is happy. Now he knows you've been pining away for him. You gave up your upper hand when you responded as you did, and by talking to him at all... and by saying you would talk to him "randomly" in the future. Seriously... "randomly"? What that means is, he will call when he's not too busy doing things with his wife.

 

I understand how you feel and how he took you by shock, so I understand your reaction too. But now it's time to get back with the program.

 

He threw you under the bus to his wife; that is why she is confident enough not to be more upset than she is. He told you that his intimate relationship with his wife "will come in time"? Excuse me while I go throw up... OMG!

 

"If he didn't miss me (or even the ego boost I give him I guess??) why would he call?"

 

He called because his narcissistic self needed "external validation" and he wanted to know that you were pining away for him and still there and available for him. If you had told him "sorry, but I've moved on, don't contact me again", that would have killed his ego. He would have likely left you alone after that. And then searched for another woman who didn't mind giving him his ego boost at the expense of her own life.

 

Ugggh. I don't like the tone of your post, BP. It sounds like you are actually considering going back into this. Ask yourself this: what good can come of it for you long-term? Do you really think he has changed? Are you seriously going to risk your family for this?

  • Like 3
LFH Established Member

LFH

Posted
Posted

You asked a lot of why's BP.

 

It's easy, cause he's an ignorant, douchnozzle f#cktard.

If he "meant" to find you, he could have.

If he "wanted" to get in touch with you in the last 4 months I'm certain that every phone near in a 100 mile radius of him was not broken, out of service or monitored. If they were, there was bound to be wifi somewhere that still worked.

 

Pay phones even still exist! I'm sure they are limited, but I actually saw one the other day!

 

So the answer is that he's an asshat and you are right to have your head spinning. I'm sorry that this came out of nowhere and hope you are ok.

  • Like 7
veryhappy Established Member

veryhappy

Posted
Posted (edited)

This will make you feel more at peace with what troubled you, the fact that he just disappeared.Take it just as that, he came back. Now you found out that there's only hurt when they do.

 

What got to me was the part about his marriage being on the right track. These man need to be hit with something heavy in the head because something is not functioning right. ExMM had to let me know that things were "not great or anything", but I was right and she magically found out she was able to have sex. I consider I've paid my dues for the A in full.

 

Randomly...You are and will be not a woman to be called randomly. My answer to that starts with a four letter word. I suggest you tell him you'll talk to him when you get back home because now you're on vacation with your family( yes, your fa-mi-ly emphasize that like all of them do). When you do eventually talk to him tell him "my love, I so wish we could stay in touch, but I'm so commited to my M I simply can't. I wish you the best, don't you ever get in touch".

 

Please don't make him feel better. Dump him for good. He's come testing the waters because while his marriage is so great( bag please to vomit), it's really not that great( see, no sex) and you were so much fun. Four letter word him. Please remember your pain when coming here because I clearly do. Take care of yourself, because he will only damage you.

Edited by cutedragon
  • Like 6
2sunny Established Member

2sunny

Posted
Posted

He called because he wants sex - and he knows you're an easy target and will say yes.

 

And I just ran it by a friend ( who's a male) and he says that's the only reason he's calling.

 

Have some self respect - tell douchebag to buzz off!

  • Like 2
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BrokenPrincess Established Member

BrokenPrincess

Posted
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Posted

Thank you everyone for your perspectives. I know I gave up my power by saying I missed him, and I am angry with myself.

 

I never blocked his # because I thought he had changed his, but regardless, it wouldn't have helped given his burner phone. And I really, really never thought I'd hear from him again because he was 100% committed to repairing his M.

 

The family trip this weekend was planned originally to get my mind off the fact that we were supposed to meet in another city for a work industry event for 4 days.

 

I honestly don't think he was fishing for sex...we live 1200 miles apart with no opportunities to see each other unless we create them. His tone was very platonic and he was SO insistent that he was repairing his M and absolutely not restarting anything. And that he'll remember our good times as happy memories for the rest of our lives.

 

He didn't specifically say lets be friends, but that's basically what it sounded like.

 

Does anyone ever do this? Is it possible to just be friends that talk occasionally?

xxoo Established Member

xxoo

Posted
Posted

Whatever his reasons for contacting you, he was NOT thinking of your best interests. He was doing what felt good to him, and he was rewarded when you told him you missed him. Ego rush!

 

He didn't specifically say lets be friends, but that's basically what it sounded like.

 

Does anyone ever do this? Is it possible to just be friends that talk occasionally?

 

Do you want to be his friend?

 

Do you want to hear the details about how his marriage is getting stronger and more "physical"? A friend would be happy for him.

jwi71 Established Member

jwi71

Posted
Posted
Thank you everyone for your perspectives. I know I gave up my power by saying I missed him, and I am angry with myself.

 

I never blocked his # because I thought he had changed his, but regardless, it wouldn't have helped given his burner phone. And I really, really never thought I'd hear from him again because he was 100% committed to repairing his M.

 

The family trip this weekend was planned originally to get my mind off the fact that we were supposed to meet in another city for a work industry event for 4 days.

 

I honestly don't think he was fishing for sex...we live 1200 miles apart with no opportunities to see each other unless we create them. His tone was very platonic and he was SO insistent that he was repairing his M and absolutely not restarting anything. And that he'll remember our good times as happy memories for the rest of our lives.

 

He didn't specifically say lets be friends, but that's basically what it sounded like.

 

Does anyone ever do this? Is it possible to just be friends that talk occasionally?

 

You know...I would think you would be tired of this.

 

Look at yourself right now over a phone call.

 

How many more days will you be staring blankly into space thinking, analyzing and over-doing both? Several I'd imagine.

 

That doesn't strike me as healthy.

 

Already you are rationalizing getting back together with him. Just as friends of course.

And you know...its just lunch. Surely friends can do lunch.

Oh, ok...why not dinner.

And a drink afterward...sure...we're just friends...what could possibly happen?

  • Like 5
2sunny Established Member

2sunny

Posted
Posted
Thank you everyone for your perspectives. I know I gave up my power by saying I missed him, and I am angry with myself.

 

I never blocked his # because I thought he had changed his, but regardless, it wouldn't have helped given his burner phone. And I really, really never thought I'd hear from him again because he was 100% committed to repairing his M.

 

The family trip this weekend was planned originally to get my mind off the fact that we were supposed to meet in another city for a work industry event for 4 days.

 

I honestly don't think he was fishing for sex...we live 1200 miles apart with no opportunities to see each other unless we create them. His tone was very platonic and he was SO insistent that he was repairing his M and absolutely not restarting anything. And that he'll remember our good times as happy memories for the rest of our lives.

 

He didn't specifically say lets be friends, but that's basically what it sounded like.

 

Does anyone ever do this? Is it possible to just be friends that talk occasionally?

 

 

Don't think he wasn't fishing - he was! Ego stroke - you provided him with what he called for and gave nothing in return - selfish guy!

 

And, obviously he's NOT working on the M the he says - or he wouldn't have called!

  • Author
BrokenPrincess Established Member

BrokenPrincess

Posted
  • Author
Posted
Don't think he wasn't fishing - he was! Ego stroke - you provided him with what he called for and gave nothing in return - selfish guy!

 

And, obviously he's NOT working on the M the he says - or he wouldn't have called!

 

Yes I can believe he was fishing for an ego stroke. And good point about his M. I know his wife asked him to never contact me again, and his whole life has been vehemently against divorce (ironic huh after 20 years of M he risks it all).

 

He acted like his charming, people pleaser self, like he was being the good guy by checking in on me & giving me an update of his M.

 

I'm starting to feel kind of pissed now, although I don't think it's even fully sunk in yet due to the shock and the fact that I'm super busy visiting friends & family on this trip. You know, the people who truly love me & support me in a healthy way?

  • Like 3
2sunny Established Member

2sunny

Posted
Posted

You should be pissed!

 

If it were me - I'd call him - I'd let him know never to contact you again - and that you've given it some thought since he called - and you don't need him in your life any longer!

 

And I'd be sure and reiterate to respect me - and don't call! That you're doing just fine without him . :-D

  • Like 1
carhill Established Member

carhill

Posted
Posted

'Why' is a mystery to all but him.

 

Change your phone number/e-mail and go on with life. Hope you can enjoy the rest of your vacation. Good luck.

twosadthings Established Member

twosadthings

Posted
Posted

BrokenPrincess,

 

Over 220 posts. Three on this thread. On a "family" vacation and your husband gets three words, one of them a letter in parenthasis... "(or my H)".

 

I realize I'm on a forum with a specialized viewpoint, that I rarely post on, but feel that your lack of emphathy for "people that love you" is staggering.

 

Twosadthings

  • Like 2
  • Author
BrokenPrincess Established Member

BrokenPrincess

Posted
  • Author
Posted
BrokenPrincess,

 

Over 220 posts. Three on this thread. On a "family" vacation and your husband gets three words, one of them a letter in parenthasis... "(or my H)".

 

I realize I'm on a forum with a specialized viewpoint, that I rarely post on, but feel that your lack of emphathy for "people that love you" is staggering.

 

Twosadthings

 

I am not struggling with empathy for the people who love me. That is a clear and not confusing feeling. If I wanted insight on things with my H, I would be posting on the marriage board.

 

I'm posting here about the range of feelings and issues I'm having relating to my experience as an OW, for insight from others who have been there & understand.

 

I didn't know there was a minimum # of times you needed to mention your spouse on LS to show that you feel overwhelming guilt and empathy about cheating.

  • Like 3
twosadthings Established Member

twosadthings

Posted
Posted

Humans show their empathy by all of the things they do and say. Don't see much exhibited by you for your husband in your threads or posts.

 

You certainly don't have to satisfy me or anyone else on this site about how you have treated him but in your fourth post on this thread, sorry for keeping count, you finally mentioned guilt.

 

Twosadthings

  • Like 1
LFH Established Member

LFH

Posted
Posted
Humans show their empathy by all of the things they do and say. Don't see much exhibited by you for your husband in your threads or posts.

 

You certainly don't have to satisfy me or anyone else on this site about how you have treated him but in your fourth post on this thread, sorry for keeping count, you finally mentioned guilt.

 

Twosadthings

 

And your point is..... what?

Are you the guilt and empathy police?

  • Like 2
eleanorrigby Established Member

eleanorrigby

Posted
Posted
And your point is..... what?

Are you the guilt and empathy police?

 

And your point is? Are you the forum police? wtf

  • Like 2
twosadthings Established Member

twosadthings

Posted
Posted

BrokenPrincess,

 

I've been a member here for over a year and early on I decided to only make my comments to the original poster. That's why I only have 30 posts.

 

I've been banned once before and realize that I shouldn't be offering my opinions on a forum that is contrary to every value I hold and have held in my forty years of marriage. I'll ban myself from this venue in the future.

 

I slept well last night and perhaps you did too but the difference is that I am happy with my fidelity and you are happy with taking your validation and satisfaction from the opposite choices you have made and getting pats on the head and back here. Two different lifestyles with the same resulting good night's sleep so who am I to question.

 

I wish good luck to you and those who love and support you and even more good luck to anyone who ultimately choses to stop loving you.

 

Twosadthings

  • Like 1
LFH Established Member

LFH

Posted
Posted
And your point is? Are you the forum police? wtf

 

MY point was that the post wasn't about her husband and the only purpose of this poster was to try and impose a guilt trip, and goes back to the fact that the OP (or anyone else) shouldn't have to be mindful to express what others feel is the appropriate level of remorse post in our statements. It makes it really hard to say what you are thinking when every word you say has to be measured by whether someone else might think you aren't "sorry" enough for your actions.

 

Whether or not she's sorry didn't have any bearing in this thread. I've seen many threads where she expresses feelings of regret. This wasn't about that. I don't understand why it's necessary to castigate someone for not throwing themselves on the ground with every post.

 

That's my point.

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