Author Shocked Suzie Posted March 14, 2013 Author Posted March 14, 2013 Although everyone I speak to, knows us as a couple and those who don't know us as a couple but have heard my story 'all' say his affair won't last and some are even concerned about his well being in a years time....I on the other hand think that it will last! I think that they will have many ups n downs far more than we ever had. Although even still he can 'for short moments' make me think that this whole crap situation is all my fault, I do know that my Ex has serious deep self issues that he really needs to address.... But probably never will. I hate the way I'm feeling and can't wait to move forward, sadly until a few major things are sorted that is some time away I am focusing on my kids and myself... Although the myself bit is hard at times! I'm sick of my mixed emotions, like four seasons in one day! Drives me mad! Sick of his selfish attitude with no thought at all and his constant accusations of our mess being my fault, If only I could have minimal contact... Sadly impossible atm, thank god for emails rather than meeting or phone calls! Xxx 1
TailSpin75 Posted March 14, 2013 Posted March 14, 2013 Suzie - just a thought for you... it has helped me (some times more than others). I gather from your postings that there's some frustration in what you're feeling - that ebb and flow that's so unpredictable and at times intense I'm sure. For me - I spent some time question 'why' I was feeling what I felt and thinking what I thought. Of course, when it all seems so negative and hurtful we just don't want the feelings or thoughts. When I last my therapist (about a month ago) - he said not to beat myself up over anything I thought or felt. He actually said that it's expected - that there's no right or wrong feelings. As far as thoughts - he suggested to just let them pass rather than dwell or ponder. So while I don't welcome them - I guess I've learned to see them as a part of this relentless process. Still sucks... but at the same time I'm not adding stress (who needs that!) by questioning my thoughts and feelings. I just strap in and hope for the best throughout the day. Nothing about this process 'feels' right and we know it's a slow and long process. I just hope you're not beating yourself up over your mood - but I hear you - they drive me mad as well.
thefooloftheyear Posted March 14, 2013 Posted March 14, 2013 Do affairs last?? According to the "know alls" in the Other Man/Other Woman section you will hear that EVERY time, the OW gets dumped. the MM goes back to his BS and the OW is thrown under the bus. Just nonsense. The reality is that it DOES happen. I know of 4 people in my personal life that have been with their AP for years. 2 Married them. As for the OP. I am truly sorry for your situation. While its no consolation, the fact is that sometimes partners are NOT happy in a marriage and go on without saying anything. It isnt until something like an affair wakes them up to the reality and then they move on. Its cruel and not really right, but that is what happens in many cases. Had you and your husband been going to counseling? TFOY 1
TailSpin75 Posted March 14, 2013 Posted March 14, 2013 TFOY - sad but true... I see my situation as being what you described where STBX was not happy. Not only did she never mention anything (despite my persistence to speak with her) - she 'faked' her happiness. 18 month EA then she called it quits. You're right that it's cruel... tough pill to swallow.
Gunny376 Posted March 14, 2013 Posted March 14, 2013 Do affairs last?? According to the "know alls" in the Other Man/Other Woman section you will hear that EVERY time, the OW gets dumped. the MM goes back to his BS and the OW is thrown under the bus. Just nonsense. The reality is that it DOES happen. I know of 4 people in my personal life that have been with their AP for years. 2 Married them. As for the OP. I am truly sorry for your situation. While its no consolation, the fact is that sometimes partners are NOT happy in a marriage and go on without saying anything. It isnt until something like an affair wakes them up to the reality and then they move on. Its cruel and not really right, but that is what happens in many cases. Had you and your husband been going to counseling? TFOY Good to hear that! Hitler and Stalin deserve to be married to one another, setting across the breakfast table each morning staring at each other! A 'match' made in Heven no doubt! Or HELL!
Author Shocked Suzie Posted March 14, 2013 Author Posted March 14, 2013 (edited) Do affairs last?? According to the "know alls" in the Other Man/Other Woman section you will hear that EVERY time, the OW gets dumped. the MM goes back to his BS and the OW is thrown under the bus. Just nonsense. The reality is that it DOES happen. I know of 4 people in my personal life that have been with their AP for years. 2 Married them. As for the OP. I am truly sorry for your situation. While its no consolation, the fact is that sometimes partners are NOT happy in a marriage and go on without saying anything. It isnt until something like an affair wakes them up to the reality and then they move on. Its cruel and not really right, but that is what happens in many cases. Had you and your husband been going to counseling? TFOY No didn't go counselling together, he kept his unhappiness to himself until he decided to leave... He went once himself just after he told me and said opening it all up made him see how much anger he had towards me....'he said' that if I hadn't pushed him to go he may have still stayed 'idiot' :-/ he also said on his last day that he wasn't prepared to spend 2-3 months of counselling to try to save our marriage and risk loosing her.... Need I say that was the final nail for me... Just all makes me so sad, really more so when I look at my kids... They are so good n balanced, we did good as parents. I think tailspin I just need to move house, my contact will reduce then in time... We have a lot if financial pressure here and I can't stand the feeling of not knowing what's going on... Just feel like I'm stuck, when I'm stuck I over think everything! Thanks all xx Edited March 14, 2013 by Shocked Suzie
thefooloftheyear Posted March 14, 2013 Posted March 14, 2013 No didn't go counselling together, he kept his unhappiness to himself until he decided to leave... He went once himself just after he told me and said opening it all up made him see how much anger he had towards me....'he said' that if I hadn't pushed him to go he may have still stayed 'idiot' :-/ he also said on his last day that he wasn't prepared to spend 2-3 months of counselling to try to save our marriage and risk loosing her.... Need I say that was the final nail for me... Just all makes me so sad, really more so when I look at my kids... They are so good n balanced, we did good as parents. I think tailspin I just need to move house, my contact will reduce then in time... We have a lot if financial pressure here and I can't stand the feeling of not knowing what's going on... Just feel like I'm stuck, when I'm stuck I over think everything! Thanks all xx So sorry... You actually seem like you are handling it better than most would. It seems like there would be more vitriol among some others. While he might have had a legit gripe about not being happy, the reality is that it could have been handled differently and I think you know that. Here is hope that you stay strong... TFOY
Author Shocked Suzie Posted March 14, 2013 Author Posted March 14, 2013 I get through by promising myself not to drain what energy I have in anger... I need to stop believing him when he blames me...At the end of the day his actions have left me breathless and at a stand still! 85% of me knows that it's mainly him with his unresolved issues.... I do hope one day they will smack him straight in the face! But I can't allow myself to dwell on such thoughts... I need to try whenever I can focus on myself and moving forward, which I know I can do 'it just hurts' I have to try to remember the person he is now... Not the man that he was, he has no idea what he has done Xx 1
TailSpin75 Posted March 15, 2013 Posted March 15, 2013 Suzie - in addition to similar timeline we face similar struggles. I too have such a difficult time seeing her for who she actually is versus the vile creature that's done this to the family. Also - I've been on the receiving end of some blame and to be honest with you - it shocks me. For me... I'm finally turning that corner in seeing the 'real' her - but like all things it takes time. So I see her for who she really is when I'm at work or with others. Old habits and perspective creep in when I'm alone. I have faith that I will hold the right perspective in time. The loneliness is a 'problem' in and of itself, but my perception of her when I'm feeling lonely is a habit. This is the fact that I try to keep in the front of my mind. You're right too - they do not have any idea what they've done. I know this and I ask myself - "what does that have to do with me" ... nothing! These are their burdens, regrets, or shame to carry and I've found peace with the fact that she may never come to realize the destruction of her self ways. But what I do know - is that I will come of of this so much a better person and if nothing else, I will know what she's capable of. Stay strong Suzie!!! 2
Author Shocked Suzie Posted March 15, 2013 Author Posted March 15, 2013 Suzie - in addition to similar timeline we face similar struggles. I too have such a difficult time seeing her for who she actually is versus the vile creature that's done this to the family. Also - I've been on the receiving end of some blame and to be honest with you - it shocks me. For me... I'm finally turning that corner in seeing the 'real' her - but like all things it takes time. So I see her for who she really is when I'm at work or with others. Old habits and perspective creep in when I'm alone. I have faith that I will hold the right perspective in time. The loneliness is a 'problem' in and of itself, but my perception of her when I'm feeling lonely is a habit. This is the fact that I try to keep in the front of my mind. You're right too - they do not have any idea what they've done. I know this and I ask myself - "what does that have to do with me" ... nothing! These are their burdens, regrets, or shame to carry and I've found peace with the fact that she may never come to realize the destruction of her self ways. But what I do know - is that I will come of of this so much a better person and if nothing else, I will know what she's capable of. Stay strong Suzie!!! you are so right, its the alone stage thats the hardest! ive known from day one that i will become a better person from all this, its just this bit in the middle hey! we'll and others too will get there in time. i think im a bit hard on myself really....im a no messing type of person, get things done, sorted n move on....this is very different from the norm, i have to except the pace and stop beating myself up we're doing good considering our time frame 1
coffeebean201 Posted March 15, 2013 Posted March 15, 2013 If he feels a lot of anger towards you then I don't think you want him anyways. It is better if he is with someone that he doesn't feel so much anger towards (yet). There are wonderful men out there, it just takes a while to get to know them. Men love talking, but they are somewhat shy. More shy than you think. 2
2sunny Posted March 15, 2013 Posted March 15, 2013 you are so right, its the alone stage thats the hardest! ive known from day one that i will become a better person from all this, its just this bit in the middle hey! we'll and others too will get there in time. i think im a bit hard on myself really....im a no messing type of person, get things done, sorted n move on....this is very different from the norm, i have to except the pace and stop beating myself up we're doing good considering our time frame Stay strong - you're doing great! The best revenge is for you to be happy! You deserve it! When will his affair end? Who knows? Who cares? It's his mess to deal with! Get busy living! You deserve the best - and that doesn't include a selfish cheater... 2
TailSpin75 Posted March 15, 2013 Posted March 15, 2013 2Sunny - I like what you say about (the best) revenge... to be happy! 1
Author Shocked Suzie Posted March 25, 2013 Author Posted March 25, 2013 Just a little update, feeling much better the past few days, still get those waves of overwhelming feelings but they are shorter and less emotional. I'm starting to 'finally' take each day as it comes and not panic about the responsibility of everything on my shoulders as much as i was before....although it is pretty daunting. I've seen my XH a couple of times, was an odd feeling! The feeling of not really knowing him, him not being mine anymore and not being able to touch him....but overall was easier than I thought it would be, I suppose the hurt he has caused has changed the way I look and feel about him. Sad but slowly facing facts that I do have a new path to follow and I need to focus and make it a happy one. My children seem pretty settled and content too, so I couldn't ask for more at the moment Hope everyone else is doing ok xxx
thefooloftheyear Posted March 25, 2013 Posted March 25, 2013 Just a little update, feeling much better the past few days, still get those waves of overwhelming feelings but they are shorter and less emotional. I'm starting to 'finally' take each day as it comes and not panic about the responsibility of everything on my shoulders as much as i was before....although it is pretty daunting. I've seen my XH a couple of times, was an odd feeling! The feeling of not really knowing him, him not being mine anymore and not being able to touch him....but overall was easier than I thought it would be, I suppose the hurt he has caused has changed the way I look and feel about him. Sad but slowly facing facts that I do have a new path to follow and I need to focus and make it a happy one. My children seem pretty settled and content too, so I couldn't ask for more at the moment Hope everyone else is doing ok xxx I am pretty speechless... Most betrayed spouses would have totally fallen apart or be so enraged. You really deserve a lot of credit S/S... I cant give you any advice..You are doing great! TFOY 1
Author Shocked Suzie Posted March 26, 2013 Author Posted March 26, 2013 I am pretty speechless... Most betrayed spouses would have totally fallen apart or be so enraged. You really deserve a lot of credit S/S... I cant give you any advice..You are doing great! TFOY Thank you don't get me wrong i still cry most days, still have days i blame myself for his actions and miss him...'well the person i married', i just feel the person that has left isn't the man i loved and married...he has moved on seems pretty happy, i wouldn't take him back after what he has done...so why linger anymore, just gonna focus on me and my kids. This forum had helped me so much and i wanted to pop a little update to those who are where i was a few weeks ago so they can see is does get easier...still hard but easier! I've begun to learn to let go... Got a pretty stressful time ahead with money, house sale and then when the children decide they want to meet the GF, but i do feel that the worst has past! i don't want to ever feel that way ever again, breaks my heart thinking of it....I just want me n the kids to be happy and i know i can manage that now.
TailSpin75 Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 Suzie - I'm with you all the way! A day doesn't go by there I'm not a hot mess at some point - but it's not like it was... that's for sure. I think we're both a little hesitant to say that we've 'turned a corner' - but we're certainly better off that those early says. For me - I went from being controlled by my emotions all the time to now experiencing at times strong emotions and at times a strong mind. I'm proud of you Suzie! 2
Author Shocked Suzie Posted March 26, 2013 Author Posted March 26, 2013 Suzie - I'm with you all the way! A day doesn't go by there I'm not a hot mess at some point - but it's not like it was... that's for sure. I think we're both a little hesitant to say that we've 'turned a corner' - but we're certainly better off that those early says. For me - I went from being controlled by my emotions all the time to now experiencing at times strong emotions and at times a strong mind. I'm proud of you Suzie! and me of you too Small steps, thinking of the days not the months ahead!! yes agree, the days from being controlled by my emotions are to definitely less frequent too thankfully! little glimmers of light are starting to show we'll get there eventually
Mr. Lucky Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 Small steps, thinking of the days not the months ahead!! yes agree, the days from being controlled by my emotions are to definitely less frequent too thankfully! little glimmers of light are starting to show we'll get there eventually You'll get to a point sooner than you think where your new life seems real and your past with him will seem distant, almost like it happened to someone else. And you'll interact with him at some point and it will dawn on you that you don't feel anything towards him - not affection, not anger, not regret. Believe it or not, the time will come... Mr. Lucky 2
Author Shocked Suzie Posted March 26, 2013 Author Posted March 26, 2013 You'll get to a point sooner than you think where your new life seems real and your past with him will seem distant, almost like it happened to someone else. And you'll interact with him at some point and it will dawn on you that you don't feel anything towards him - not affection, not anger, not regret. Believe it or not, the time will come... Mr. Lucky Thanks Looking forward to that day it's odd had a really bad emailing session with him last week 'wasnt good' since then had a good chat with couple of friends and I feel like I've turned a corner, I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders! I still have a lot to come but you know what, even if I have to start from scratch again so be it...that was stressing me out so much, the loss of my lovely home, now I know I'll be ok... I know that I can look after myself n kids with his contribution and my wages and the house is just a house, it's not that important. 2
MsOptimist Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 I've been following your story and YES - you are indeed turning a corner!! Good for you! Your determination and confidence is showing through and you're right - you can take care of yourself and your children and you WILL be ok. That's a big realization to come to. The unknowns will still be a bit scary at times, but having that confidence when you know you'll be ok no matter what is amazing. I have had more than my share of bad exchanges via email/text in recent weeks - it does bring you down sometimes, but that's ok too. See it for what it is and learn something from it if you can. It's being able to stand back up when those times knock you down a bit that really matters. 2
Author Shocked Suzie Posted March 26, 2013 Author Posted March 26, 2013 I've been following your story and YES - you are indeed turning a corner!! Good for you! Your determination and confidence is showing through and you're right - you can take care of yourself and your children and you WILL be ok. That's a big realization to come to. The unknowns will still be a bit scary at times, but having that confidence when you know you'll be ok no matter what is amazing. I have had more than my share of bad exchanges via email/text in recent weeks - it does bring you down sometimes, but that's ok too. See it for what it is and learn something from it if you can. It's being able to stand back up when those times knock you down a bit that really matters. Thank you just figured 'and it's been pointed out on here too' ... the penny finally dropped lol .... He's not sitting at home wondering about the what if's etc... I'm done dwelling! Onwards and upwards with the odd flat days but they'll be my days, days that I can learn from and pull myself out of. I've changed my mobile number and only contact now is via email, I was sick of feeling good to get bought down via text when I was out and happy. As far as emails are concerned from now on I'm going to detach myself and communicate as if he is someone I'm not emotionally attached to in any way, straight to the point and business like... Positive thoughts to you, lets hope we all find inner peace soon xxxx 2
revitup Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 Wow,Way to go Suzie! Looks like you slept at a "Holiday Inn Express" since I was here last! Keep strong. REVITUP 1
So happy together Posted April 4, 2013 Posted April 4, 2013 My boyfriend left his wife a few months ago, and yes, he left for me. We are not living together, but he was miserable in his marriage, she's an alcoholic and he's glad to be gone. He has one adult child and I have several younger ones. Which he is more than happy and willing to take on. I don't mean to hurt your feelings, but my boyfriend is more settled and happy with me because we just have more in common, love the same things, and stbxw doesn't. She didn't show him any physical affection, no sex for years, but more than that, there was no intimacy in their relationship. She was unwilling to work on anything and for business and community reasons, he didn't want to end the relationship. He also didn't want to let his family down. But in the end, he decided he was not going to spend the rest of his life being unhappy for everyone else. We've been together for some time, and I've never seen him more happy. And he doesn't miss his marriage. I'm sorry you're hurt, but sometimes, people just grow apart.
Author Shocked Suzie Posted April 4, 2013 Author Posted April 4, 2013 (edited) My boyfriend left his wife a few months ago, and yes, he left for me. We are not living together, but he was miserable in his marriage, she's an alcoholic and he's glad to be gone. He has one adult child and I have several younger ones. Which he is more than happy and willing to take on. I don't mean to hurt your feelings, but my boyfriend is more settled and happy with me because we just have more in common, love the same things, and stbxw doesn't. She didn't show him any physical affection, no sex for years, but more than that, there was no intimacy in theirrelationship. She was unwilling to work on anything and for business and community reasons, he didn't want to end the relationship. He also didn't want to let his family down. But in the end, he decided he was not going to spend the rest of his life being unhappy for everyone else. We've been together for some time, and I've never seen him more happy. And he doesn't miss his marriage. I'm sorry you're hurt, but sometimes, people just grow apart. hi I suppose when I first wrote this I was in total shock and confused by my XH confused state of telling me he loved me and always would and the fact that we we're very much affectionate towards each other until the day he left. My thoughts and feeling have changed really since I first posted this... Obviously I fully understand 'if your partner is being honest' that in your case your partner was unhappy, I truly believe people only live once and should live it how they wish and although I'm hurt and my XH actions has effected my children in many ways, but he has a right to be happy in his lifetime, just like in time I will be too. Sadly my views on how some things are done are a little different to his I.e like respecting the feelings of those who around you and little things like marriage vowels things just got a bit flat between us, the first time in 16 yrs, we rarely argued, it's called a busy life and we 'both' took our eye off the ball....nothing major just life, we took each other for granted... Our sex life was regular and great, we have a fab home and fantastic grounded kids, had a good happy social live as a family unit.... He told his GF we was living separate lives?? Who knows what else!? I bet he's failed to tell her he has allowed huge debt to build up on credit cards I had no idea of... Or the way me n my kids are about to have a total downgrade on our lifestyle as we know it because of this... And that the whole time we they were together we was going out on family days out and sleeping together...not really living separate lives hey... Unless you see it with your own eyes dont believe all that you are told by a person who is willing to leave his wife/family.... But then again if you are propared to sleep with a married man then as far as I'm concerned these people are welcome to each other. I fully aware that people grow apart and some people shouldn't be together, that's cool with me now he's really not a person I want in my life, he just now needs to step up and start being a father again, which is another thing he seems to have forgotten...Me I'm looking forward to being in control of my own money and looking forward to meeting new people, finishing off my study and getting a new exciting career helping others... My very own new chapter Enjoy n have a happy life Edited April 4, 2013 by Shocked Suzie 3
.thumb.JPG.45ea2337abc47b1f82c799e3bbdf57e6.JPG)
Recommended Posts