Do affairs last?

[Shocked Suzie]

Hi newbie here...

 

Very quick bit of history... Been with my husband for 16yrs, married 12 of those...we've done round the world trip, had children, bought n sold houses and emigrated. We rarely argued and have had a pretty chilled out lucky life, I've got two fantastic teenage kids that thankfully atm give me no dramas at all. The past year I've been studying... I'm not career minded but was doing it to give myself a better job/money for the future.

 

Anyway my question is ... Do these affairs acctually last?? How can a person meet someone and make such a huge step within just a few months of knowing this person?? When you read relationship information it advises not to jump from a long term relationship straight into another .... So how come my ex seems so happy/settled?? How can a person walk away like that, from their kids?? Hes even taken on her kids which are younger than mine!

 

 

And why not speak up if he wasn't happy!?

 

 

Confused..

[Gunny376]

The operative word you've used in your 'sit-rep' (Situation Report) is the word "seems" when it probally much more a case of his knowing that if he's made his bed hard, then he's just going to have to sleep in it!

 

The simple truth of the matter is that none us really know for sure what goes on behind closed doors.

 

Most any and all romantic relationships start out in an euphoric state but like any and all things in nature soon decay into lesser state. Some have a shorter half life than others.

 

MXHEX has been with the guy that she left me for for twenty-three years. The last time that I spoke with her? She told me that she "Thanked God" for him each and everyday. But I know that's total BS. I've seen pictures, group pictures of her and she's the only one of her six sisters and brother that's not even attempting to smile (Because she's not the center of attention I suspect).

 

There's also the added knowledge that I know that she has narcissistic personality disorder ~ and there's no pleasing, satisfying, gratifying, nor pacifying these type of people. Their insecurity drives them ~ they constantly worry about what other people are doing, what other people have, have more than they do. When I was paying "Child Support" she was trading not for used cars but new cars every two years? Who in tha' hell but the rich can afford to do such a thing.

 

I wouldn't worry too much about the XHEX. Again its the children that pay the heaviest price and bear the burden the most for divorce.

 

Once you've gone through a LTR divorce / breakup? Forever more the rest of your life your always and I do mean always are going to have lingering doubts and questions about your relationship with "them"

 

"What did I do wrong?"

 

"What did I not do?"

 

"What could I have done better?"

 

"WTF?"

 

Its your brain, your heart, your spirit, your heart of hearts, your ego, your id, your super-id, your very soul trying to reconcile the past, present and future?

 

You see when one goes through a divorce? Your going through a sort of death? And its actually more than just one? Its the death of your relationship? Its the death of marriage? Its the death of your 'idealized' image and perspective of the other person.

 

Its the death of the promise of the life you had dreamed of and envisioned? Its the death of so many things, uniquely all the same while all the same uniquely different for each and every individual. Not only a duality if you were? But a paradox.

 

Your brain goes into over-drive with analysis? Many of us become paralyzed by this ~ the proverbial 'paralysis by analysis"

 

"Tilt! Tilt! Tilt! Does not compute!"

 

And then there's simply the bio-electrical-chemical thing you've got going on between your two ears? Your brain. It can work for you or with training and self discpline? You can make it work for you.

 

You want all this old crap from the XHEX out of your head? Then do a brain dump and re-train your brain. Some say going to see a couselor helps, theraphy yada-yada. I don't put too much stock in it. For others unfornuately its substance abuse in it many many forms.

 

What worked for me was running? I would go out and do my daily minimum three mile run. Some days it was just jogging alone, others it was spiriting ~ still others? It was a combination of both ~ or purporsely taking a really up-hill all the way run.

 

On really bad days? I would sometimes do the "Forrest Gump" thing and just keep running. Sometimes I would run four, five, six, and a couple of times? Even nine or ten.

 

But the purporse of such was to drain myself mentally, physically, emotionally, and psychologically. After you've done it awhile your brain begins to reward you with endorphines! The same little bio-electrical-chemical in the brain you get from having sex, being in love etc. Kind of like song from the musical "South Pacific" ~ "I'm going to wash that man right out my hair!" Except for me it was to 'run' that woman right out of my head?

 

For others its yoga ~ which seems to be a favorite of women! The point is to do something each and everyday to re-focus your thought and your energy ~ but to do in a good and positive manner. (Drinking, smoking pot, crack, etc? Bad, very bad way to do it!)

 

For some guys? It seems to be going fishing, hunting, or just throwing themselves into physical labor at work ~ or into work.

 

Anyway you go about doing it? Can and/or be a good thing? Too much of anything is not a good thing ~ because we need to well - grounded and rounded in our daily lives.

[Gunny376]

No to your original question? Affairs don't usually last because they're superficial, based upon illusions and fantasy. The lack the substance to sustain them. At best? They are left with nothing but an empty shell of what they once had and they have the 'half-life' of a quantum element. A millisecond of a second.

 

They're usually based upon sexual attraction which in and of itself? Isn't and never will be enough to sustain the day-to-day of the ever demanding demands of everyday life.

 

People that enter into affairs themselves are superficial lacking in their own self validation, sense of self worth, self esteem. Its not so much sex that drives affairs so much as it is the never-ending need for validation of others that "I'm______________________(Fill in the blank) People that are so enraptured as such? They will soon grow tried of the OM/OW. As in, "Yea I know that you think I'm OK! But now I need someone else's second opinion!"

 

The bottom line is? Life is just to freaking short to invest years upon years ~ mentally, physically, psychologically, emotionally, and even financially ~ on those like this ~ that can never be satisfied, never pleased, never pacified,..................................the list is endless.

 

It needs to recognized that their are those among us that are just nothing but emotional vampires!

[TaraMaiden]

Hi newbie here...

 

Anyway my question is ... Do these affairs acctually last?? How can a person meet someone and make such a huge step within just a few months of knowing this person??

 

Confused..

 

You've received a long reply here, from Gunny.

 

Here's mine.

 

Don't waste time asking questions to which there are theories, but no unequivocal replies.

 

Gunny absolutely nailed it in his second line.

 

The simple truth of the matter is that none us really know for sure what goes on behind closed doors.

 

He then went on to give you a well-thought out, well-presented and detailed post.

On his own experiences.

 

Which - although revelatory, supportive and interesting - are not yours.

 

I have nothing but the deepest respect for Gunny, and he's been through the mill, but I think he'd agree with me here.

(I hope so, or I'm toast! )

 

The lesson here, is that you'll never get into your ex's mind to find out why.

 

The best thing you can do is to quit wasting time giving him free space in your head.

You can bet your bottom dollar he's not investing the same kind of time wondering about things in this way.

 

You have a life to lead, studies to complete and plenty of time to enjoy, ahead of you.

 

Quit wasting time.

Focus on you, and live.

[TaraMaiden]

Aaaaw, thanks Gunny! No offence intended! (Hug!)

[Gunny376]

You've received a long reply here, from Gunny.

 

Here's mine.

 

Don't waste time asking questions to which there are theories, but no unequivocal replies.

 

Gunny absolutely nailed it in his second line.

 

 

 

He then went on to give you a well-thought out, well-presented and detailed post.

On his own experiences.

 

Which - although revelatory, supportive and interesting - are not yours.

 

I have nothing but the deepest respect for Gunny, and he's been through the mill, but I think he'd agree with me here.

(I hope so, or I'm toast! )

 

The lesson here, is that you'll never get into your ex's mind to find out why.

 

The best thing you can do is to quit wasting time giving him free space in your head.

You can bet your bottom dollar he's not investing the same kind of time wondering about things in this way.

 

You have a life to lead, studies to complete and plenty of time to enjoy, ahead of you.

 

Quit wasting time.

Focus on you, and live.

 

Wholeheartedly agree! Don't let people live rent-free in your mind! And that means any and everybody from your own Mother and Father? To Mrs. Smuckatelli' your fifth grade teacher that embarrassed you in from of your entire class. (Mine was Mrs McFarlin who when I gave a science report in fifth grade and told the class that the Earty was traveling through space at about 18,000 miles an hour and she told me and the class that I was wrong because if we were? We'd all fall off! )

[TaraMaiden]

(How did YOU know about Mrs Smuckatelli - ? Bitch..... )

[Gunny376]

He then went on to give you a well-thought out, well-presented and detailed post. On his own experiences.

 

 

And not yours! They're all the uniquely the same! Yet each and everyone uniquely different ~ a Paradox!

[TaraMaiden]

True. There is a running theme.

 

The sad thing is, the way to detach from something emotional, is to be rational and business-like.

 

Prioritise.

Summarise.

 

Sort:

File.

Shred.

Delete.

 

Shut the office door, go to the bar, hang out with the crowd and forget 'work'.

 

Hey - it's the weekend! Time for some R&R!

[TailSpin75]

Hi Suzie - as you know, our stories are similar and like you, questions have plagued me as well. For myself they were so incredibly persistent and at the time (shortly after the 'bombs' were dropped) I strongly felt that the answers to these questions were 'needs' not 'wants' but actual needs that I had to have. Gunny is absolutely right - "Your brain goes into over-drive with analysis? Many of us become paralyzed by this ~ the proverbial 'paralysis by analysis"

 

Even after I found out my marriage was going to end (spend 2 months in 'limbo' where those questions tortured me) - the questions burned. It was so easy to justify (to myself) why I should pursue the answers to these questions; I deserved to know, I'm entitled to know, I need it for closure. A couple of weeks after divorce was announced - I let those questions go. I was hurting very badly and began to understand that I would never, never truly understand the answers to those question, they would never be answers that I would hear and say - "Oh now I get it, it all makes sense", and I realized that, whatever the answers, would only bring me more pain.

 

I'm an analytical minded person and the last thing I needed was more 'data' for my brain to process. Again, as Gunny stated the brain goes into hyper-drive trying to make sense of what is happening. The simple answer for me - I was lied to, deceived, betrayed, and abandoned - all by the one person in the world I loved and trusted more than anyone else.

 

Next week with be 3 months since divorce was declared and it's been 10 weeks since I moved out (into a temporary place - still looking for a place of my own). Contact has been absolutely minimal (only 1 face to face and 2 phone conversations - other's have been by email - no text). Those questions no longer persist - they surface in my mind from time to time but are easy to dismiss because I know the answers that I need to know - she lies, deceived, betrayed, and abandoned me - the answer to every question is that she is selfish. No regard, concern, care, respect for me or our children - selfish.

 

Hard to let those questions go - I know that, I remember that vividly. My approach (and I've mentioned this in some other threads) - it is like having a song stuck in your head, just do your best to not sing the words as it plays. I also repeatedly tell myself (even now) - the choices, actions, behavior that led to the end of my marriage and the breaking of the family is a reflection of her - How I respond to this adversity is a reflection of me.

Edited March 2, 2013 by TailSpin75

[Shocked Suzie]

Thank you to you both, your posts have help me so much!!

 

Your so right about not allowing him to take up valuable head space and I know at the moment he's not doing the same about me. I'm doing pretty well at the moment considering its been a few months, so I'm pretty proud of myself I have hopes and gosls...I've set myself realistic targets which fully include my kids. I have reslized there were areas 'very minimal' but they were there that deep down I wasn't overly happy with in our relationship... Those of which I will ensure that I eventually correct/find in a new relationship when that time comes... Long way off yet! Seriously looking forward to some me time.

 

I do feel once I've sold my home and move into my own place I will feel so much better, I feel so stuck at the moment!! So frustrating too!

 

I do walk few mornings a week and push myself hills/stairs ... Ill give running a go ) although I might take up swimming again as I zone out when I swim.

 

 

Thank you both again, this forum has helped so much the past few days its been great

[Gunny376]

Hard to let those questions go - I know that, I remember that vividly. My approach (and I've mentioned this in some other threads) - it is like having a song stuck in your head, just do your best to not sing the words as it plays. I also repeatedly tell myself (even now) - the choices, actions, behavior that led to the end of my marriage and the breaking of the family is a reflection of her - How I respond to this adversity is a reflection of me.

 

"Take the pebble from my hand Grasshopper!"

 

Through your most painful journey?

 

You have evolved!

 

You are no longer that what you were? But WHAT you are to become!

Edited March 2, 2013 by Gunny376

[Shocked Suzie]

Thank you tailspin ahhh we do have a long road ahead hey, but we are going in the right direction. I do now try to keep communication to minimal, if it is needed its usually email. We have so much to sort out and I was stressing so much but I now just think sod it! And take it day by day. When I have seen my ex it just sets me back how detached he is, so I just don't allow that type of contact anymore...he states that his emotional state and his affair was all my fault as he wasn't happy!

 

Anyway I've had a fab evening out with my kids and aim to have many more... His loss!

 

Thanks again all

[Gunny376]

...he states that his emotional state and his affair was all my fault as he wasn't happy!

 

That would be page 51, paragraph 3, line 14 STRAIGHT out of the "Cheater's Bible!"

[Steadfast]

...the way to detach from something emotional, is to be rational and business-like.

 

Prioritise.

Summarise.

 

Sort:

File.

Shred.

Delete.

 

 

That's really well said. And agree. Yet, I've come to the conclusion that women are much better at this then men. I honestly don't know why.

 

But I did it. You should too OP.

 

For me, it took time. Lots of it. Maybe I've got a thick skull but for too long I wrestled with the same questions; Why? How? What could I have done differently? Maybe most important; "How can I keep from repeating the same mistakes?" The answers? Damned if I know...except for the last one. There, I've learned to keep a close eye on my motivation. Why am I doing this? What do I expect to gain? Sometimes, we can be nice and do nice things...just because. We don't need a reward. It's in the doing.

 

Tara, you kick ass. You've got your groove -and your lipstick- on.

[jf2good]

Do affairs last? My question is does Marriage last? For some yes and for some no. An affair is just like a relationship with a boyfriend or girlfriend, most of those don't last and don't end up in marriage. Affairs also have additional burdens on them making them less likely to last in my opinion, but some do last and last.

[Shocked Suzie]

That would be page 51, paragraph 3, line 14 STRAIGHT out of the "Cheater's Bible!"

 

 

 

:-)) luv it .... And Tara I'm so capable of that and will begin to do x

 

I've woken this morning to an nasty email from my Ex... He's finally woken up to realize what a financial mess we are in and guess what .... It's my fault!! Lol

 

 

I have responded taking the higher ground and will now shred ....

 

Thank you all x

[Gunny376]

I've woken this morning to an nasty email from my Ex... He's finally woken up to realize what a financial mess we are in and guess what .... It's my fault!! Lol

 

Oh! That's Chapter 13! "Cheater's Bible!"

Cheaters by definition are typically selfish, self centered, narcissistic individuals who are always playing the Charlie Brown victim role. Nothing is ever their fault ~ no one likes them ~ every one's out to get them or has it out for them. They can never understand why other people have it out for them.

Good leading questions to ask a potential romantic partner is to ask questions about their family, school, school teachers, school mates, relationships with siblings. If they come off with the Charlie Brown life long list of the above? Run like Hell! As if your very life depended upon it. You've potentially have you a cheater on your hands, or some whinny, bitchin', moaning, complaining azzhat that can never be pleased, never be satisfied, never pacified ~ and nothing you ever say or do ~ or don't say or do will ever be good enough for them. These people are emotional vampires and will forever more literally feed upon you until they've not only have sucked the very life out of you, but your Soul as well.

Everything negative in their lives is because of the actions or in-actions of someone else. They're always looking for a free handout, an easy way, and fall for some get rich quick rich scheme. They're always looking for an angle to get over.

But anything positive is of their exclusive doing, and no one else's. They think they've got to have the best of everything ~ and equate such as "the best" simply being the most expensive ~ the biggest ~ the largest. Thus they tend to get themselves in trouble over and over again financially. They're always trying to keep up with the "Tha' Jones" and its a lot of the mental and emotional immaturity that drives them, their actions, words and deeds. They can be social chameleons adapting to the personalities of others, fainting interest in things others are deeply interested in and care about when it truth they could care less. They're just fainting and fronting you to get what they want out of you for the moment.

They can project themselves as being self assured, self confident, mature individuals ~ when in fact? They're very insecure, immature individuals who go through life feeding off others, seeking their momentary "fix" of validation from others. Never having achieved self validation for themselves. They potentially have an Oedipus Complex more or less to one degree. Seeking in potential partners the love, affection, and validation they never received from one or the other partner. (The Oedipus Complex typically enshrouds a sub-conscious sexual attraction to one of one's parents ~ but not necessarily so. It can be as I've described seeking emotional validation that one never received?)

When one finds themselves with a cheater? Its more often the case that you didn't fail them? But that they failed themselves. They simply lack the self esteem, self confidence, self validation to be in a relationship ~ let alone make it work with you or anyone. They're parasites and their appetites are usually insatiable. You will run into them in all walks of life. They're small~weak minded, undisciplined, petty, immature people. You will find them at work, at church, at any and all social functions and groups.

In the end? Its not you that's broken, but them. If you get with them it will always be you that's the reason they're broke, they're not _______________________(Fill in the blank ~ financially, professionally, career,...................) successful in their lives. If you stay with them, later in years they will blame YOU because they didn't achieve the "Greatness" they were destined to in Life.

Its a slow and torterous way to not only live ~ but to die. The sooner you can eradicate them as fully out of your Life? The better off you will be. The more fuller and richer life you will have. If you by chance have children with them, all you can do is to constantly strive to teach them and raise them to become self autonomous, self validating, self supporting, self dependent individuals as you possibliy can and lead and guide them to seek out other like-kind indivduals who can grasp, comprehend and fully understand that when you get with someone you get with them not because you don't NEED them because you love them, but you love them because you WANT them in your live, because they compliment and enhance your life experience. That each of you bring something unique that you cannot find with someone else ~ or at least not to the degree that you would have with them.

[carhill]

After reading your first posting, which was inserted into another thread, your H's affair has all the hallmarks of an exit affair but, as shared by others, his result is really unknown.

 

IMO, as he's now apparently been 'gone' for nearly three months, if something doesn't change soon, it's overwhelmingly likely to be an exit affair.

 

That said, I've personally known some MW's who have (they said) carried on PA's for years and still returned or remained married. The difference (from your situation) was they began affairs early in their marriages, perhaps as a feature of their personalities rather than due to particular circumstances. Other than those few, most were short-lived, measured in months generally, and the results (to the marriages) were mixed, as each couple and marriage is different.

 

My best advice is to take what comes one day at a time. There's a lot of time in each day. My sympathies.

[TaraMaiden]

That's really well said. And agree. Yet, I've come to the conclusion that women are much better at this then men. I honestly don't know why.

 

Women have been used to Emotional 'Load-sharing and bearing' for aeons. Whether it's true or a fallacy, I don't know, officially; I mean, I'm sure studies have been done by centres of Psychology, and University Statistic measurers (!) but from what I personally know, you're far more likely to find women openly discussing their problems and sharing support, than men do.

 

At least - up to relatively recently.

 

I know for a fact, for example, that there are many elderly War Veterans who simply don't talk about their past contributions to the war effort because it's best left unsaid, consigned to the annals of mental history and shoved far back so 'we just leave that one alone, son.'

 

Now, there is far more awareness of the long-term emotional trauma soldiers suffer; There is far greater assistance and support for guys coming back from the front line; guys who once upon a time would have been labelled cowards or deserters.

 

And as such, in ordinary, every-day public run-of-the-mill life, it's becoming far more acceptable for men to access and reveal their feelings, but it's still an alien concept, and guys never knew before that 'falling out of love' can really, but really hurt.

And self-expression is therefore still a problem, and the recovery is still an issue.

Men find it difficult to express emotion, because of the way brains are wired. They find it hard to accept that something so ephemeral can weaken them so profoundly.It's an alien concept, so they are unable to process it sensibly.

 

Women share and off-load.

Men 'problem-solve'.

 

Problems of the heart cannot always be solved satisfactorily.

 

This is all my theory. I'm just blowing ideas out here, but given the ratio of 'male broken hearts unable to mend' against female ones, I may have a point.

 

I dunno.....

 

 

Tara, you kick ass. You've got your groove -and your lipstick- on.

Kickin' ass gets me into trouble at times, but yeah - Kickin' ass is what I do.

Edited March 3, 2013 by TaraMaiden

[Shocked Suzie]

Oh! That's Chapter 13! "Cheater's Bible!"

 

Cheaters by definition are typically selfish, self centered, narcissistic individuals who are always playing the Charlie Brown victim role. Nothing is ever their fault ~ no one likes them ~ every one's out to get them or has it out for them. They can never understand why other people have it out for them.

 

Good leading questions to ask a potential romantic partner is to ask questions about their family, school, school teachers, school mates, relationships with siblings. If they come off with the Charlie Brown life long list of the above? Run like Hell! As if your very life depended upon it. You've potentially have you a cheater on your hands, or some whinny, bitchin', moaning, complaining azzhat that can never be pleased, never be satisfied, never pacified ~ and nothing you ever say or do ~ or don't say or do will ever be good enough for them. These people are emotional vampires and will forever more literally feed upon you until they've not only have sucked the very life out of you, but your Soul as well.

 

Everything negative in their lives is because of the actions or in-actions of someone else. They're always looking for a free handout, an easy way, and fall for some get rich quick rich scheme. They're always looking for an angle to get over.

 

But anything positive is of their exclusive doing, and no one else's. They think they've got to have the best of everything ~ and equate such as "the best" simply being the most expensive ~ the biggest ~ the largest. Thus they tend to get themselves in trouble over and over again financially. They're always trying to keep up with the "Tha' Jones" and its a lot of the mental and emotional immaturity that drives them, their actions, words and deeds. They can be social chameleons adapting to the personalities of others, fainting interest in things others are deeply interested in and care about when it truth they could care less. They're just fainting and fronting you to get what they want out of you for the moment.

 

They can project themselves as being self assured, self confident, mature individuals ~ when in fact? They're very insecure, immature individuals who go through life feeding off others, seeking their momentary "fix" of validation from others. Never having achieved self validation for themselves. They potentially have an Oedipus Complex more or less to one degree. Seeking in potential partners the love, affection, and validation they never received from one or the other partner. (The Oedipus Complex typically enshrouds a sub-conscious sexual attraction to one of one's parents ~ but not necessarily so. It can be as I've described seeking emotional validation that one never received?)

 

When one finds themselves with a cheater? Its more often the case that you didn't fail them? But that they failed themselves. They simply lack the self esteem, self confidence, self validation to be in a relationship ~ let alone make it work with you or anyone. They're parasites and their appetites are usually insatiable. You will run into them in all walks of life. They're small~weak minded, undisciplined, petty, immature people. You will find them at work, at church, at any and all social functions and groups.

 

In the end? Its not you that's broken, but them. If you get with them it will always be you that's the reason they're broke, they're not _______________________(Fill in the blank ~ financially, professionally, career,...................) successful in their lives. If you stay with them, later in years they will blame YOU because they didn't achieve the "Greatness" they were destined to in Life.

 

Its a slow and torterous way to not only live ~ but to die. The sooner you can eradicate them as fully out of your Life? The better off you will be. The more fuller and richer life you will have. If you by chance have children with them, all you can do is to constantly strive to teach them and raise them to become self autonomous, self validating, self supporting, self dependent individuals as you possibliy can and lead and guide them to seek out other like-kind indivduals who can grasp, comprehend and fully understand that when you get with someone you get with them not because you don't NEED them because you love them, but you love them because you WANT them in your live, because they compliment and enhance your life experience. That each of you bring something unique that you cannot find with someone else ~ or at least not to the degree that you would have with them.

 

 

You have hit the nail on the head perfectly!! he has behaved with all that you have put here, ive noticed how childish he has/is being, he contradicts himself all the time and takes no responsibility at all. I just need to sell our house and then i'll be 3/4 free from him, i can cope with the contact with regards to our children as thay are old enough to have their say and express what they want thankfully.

 

thanks for such a great post

[Shocked Suzie]

After reading your first posting, which was inserted into another thread, your H's affair has all the hallmarks of an exit affair but, as shared by others, his result is really unknown.

 

IMO, as he's now apparently been 'gone' for nearly three months, if something doesn't change soon, it's overwhelmingly likely to be an exit affair.

 

That said, I've personally known some MW's who have (they said) carried on PA's for years and still returned or remained married. The difference (from your situation) was they began affairs early in their marriages, perhaps as a feature of their personalities rather than due to particular circumstances. Other than those few, most were short-lived, measured in months generally, and the results (to the marriages) were mixed, as each couple and marriage is different.

 

My best advice is to take what comes one day at a time. There's a lot of time in each day. My sympathies.

 

 

 

Just looked up 'exit affair' your probably right here, it's states that; the affair is a way out after the straying partner has made decision to split....he also came home bold as and told me about his affair ' thinking I'd throw him out' which is how I honestly always thought I'd react if this ever happened to me but I didn't, which knocked him sideways as I think he wanted an easy way out... I threw a curve ball that put the ball firmly in his corner again.... Again he showed at first that he was too weak to really walk away wanting me to give him an easy exit.

[Steadfast]

....he also came home bold as and told me about his affair ' thinking I'd throw him out' which is how I honestly always thought I'd react if this ever happened to me but I didn't, which knocked him sideways as I think he wanted an easy way out... I threw a curve ball that put the ball firmly in his corner again.... Again he showed at first that he was too weak to really walk away wanting me to give him an easy exit.

 

You might be confusing weakness with fear Suzie. He might be afraid of not being able to deal with the guilt. Cheaters have lots of it. At least, for a while. Time and practice cause many become numb to the pain; theirs, and others. If you 'throw him out', he'll have a handy alibi to use when questioned. "She didn't give us a chance to work on our problems" might be one. "I couldn't live with someone so unforgiving", another.

 

You messed that up. Now, he has to face or live with his lie. That usually causes bitterness. For you? The realization of what's in his heart. Not easy. But always remember it is his loss! Throwing away faithful love is foolish.

 

 

Women share and off-load.

Men 'problem-solve'.

 

Problems of the heart cannot always be solved satisfactorily.

 

Or apparently, sometimes not at all.

 

But you're right Tara, because like most men who don't want to split I tried to fix it. I had trouble (and was confused) dealing with the reality that my 'fixing' just drove her farther away. Then it came to me. She'd put A LOT of effort into breaking it. Her's was a natural reaction. I was trying to undo what she'd worked so hard to accomplish. Sound familiar OP?

 

This stuff sure is clearer looking back than when you're in the middle of it.

Edited March 3, 2013 by Steadfast

[thirdchance]

Well, I can only tell you from my personal experience. My husband said he didn't speak up because he can't communicate with me and doesn't want to make me angry.

 

And yes, the affairs do last. My husband has been having an emotional and physical affair for five years.

[seriously-let-down]

Is there anymore of that cheaters bible. made me cheer up when I read that. Its so so true. Made to feel it was all my fault, yet I was seeing the signs and being paranoid. thanks.