Is this normal?

[lullaby]

I would really appreciate if you share your insight with me about this.

In 2009 I started a relationship with someone who turned out to be the most important person in my life. In 2010 we started having silly fights and he decided to break up, only to appear a month after. We tried again, but it was obvious we weren’t ready. For two years we went on and off, until last year, on May, I decided to put an end to it. I asked him not to contact me again. I was really confused and used to get mad for every little thing. All I knew was that I still loved him, but I didn’t want to continue like that...

 

10 days after the BU, he texted wishing me happy b-day. And then on June I managed to avoid texting him on his b-day, which was terribly hard for me. Ever since that moment, I haven’t heard from him again so it’s almost ten months of full NC.

 

Eventually I moved on, worked on myself, and finally met someone else, and I had a relationship for 5 months with him until he turned out to be a complete a**hole, he lied and cheated, he hurt me like no one before.

 

Well, the thing is that I still feel my previous ex is whom I really love, after all this time. What would you recommend? I know I wrote another post somehow similar to this, and some told me I should contact him and see how he’s doing if I feel so strongly about him. What do you think?

 

I’m scared this is just because I’m disappointed for the past relationship, although I never got to love him and it was only a 5 months thing. That relationship opened my eyes and helped me realize what I don’t want in a man.

 

Is this normal? Do you think it’s just a feeling after a loss and failure in a relationship or should I follow it and open lines of communications with my ex?

[fungusamungus]

It doesn't hurt to put it out there and see how he is doing. Don't bring up anything heavy, just reach out, say hi, ask how things are going and see where that takes you. Don't try to push things too fast and use your instincts to gauge where you are and don't put any pressure on the situation. If an ex that I haven't spoken to in almost a year randomly started talking to my again, I'd be curious of her intentions but I wouldn't completely blow her off. If she just dumped a bunch of stuff regarding our old relationship onto me, it would probably be a little bit too much to process given the time apart. You don't know where he is at right now, so just take htings slow.

 

And yes, if you want to try to see if things can be rekindled, it's going to have to be you who does it. There is no risk free way of doing it. You might get shot down and have your heart broken, but that is the risk any time you put yourself out there.

[RR1]

I would really appreciate if you share your insight with me about this.

In 2009 I started a relationship with someone who turned out to be the most important person in my life. In 2010 we started having silly fights and he decided to break up, only to appear a month after. We tried again, but it was obvious we weren’t ready. For two years we went on and off, until last year, on May, I decided to put an end to it. I asked him not to contact me again. I was really confused and used to get mad for every little thing. All I knew was that I still loved him, but I didn’t want to continue like that...

 

10 days after the BU, he texted wishing me happy b-day. And then on June I managed to avoid texting him on his b-day, which was terribly hard for me. Ever since that moment, I haven’t heard from him again so it’s almost ten months of full NC.

 

Eventually I moved on, worked on myself, and finally met someone else, and I had a relationship for 5 months with him until he turned out to be a complete a**hole, he lied and cheated, he hurt me like no one before.

 

Well, the thing is that I still feel my previous ex is whom I really love, after all this time. What would you recommend? I know I wrote another post somehow similar to this, and some told me I should contact him and see how he’s doing if I feel so strongly about him. What do you think?

 

I’m scared this is just because I’m disappointed for the past relationship, although I never got to love him and it was only a 5 months thing. That relationship opened my eyes and helped me realize what I don’t want in a man.

 

Is this normal? Do you think it’s just a feeling after a loss and failure in a relationship or should I follow it and open lines of communications with my ex?

 

Hi, i think i have responded to one or two of your posts before so i hope you don't mind if i do again.

 

There will be plenty of people who say don't bother and write it off and move on etc. I'm not going to be one of those, Love is never 100% logical, that's the magic and beauty of it, it comes from the heart. So always follow your heart. Sure you can go with logic and find some reasons why you shouldn't be with someone but the reality is that person connected with you in a way that hasn't left you. If you are still thinking of someone after all this time it's because they touched you deep inside, you found love with that person. Maybe at the time that was scary because you knew it was the real thing and maybe you weren't ready for it, or maybe you doubted it was love so you had to walk away in order to realise it was love you were feeling. Whatever the reasons that person still is there with you. I think you should take the chance and contact them, don't lose the opportunity. Life is full of regret, but regret that you tried and failed rather than failed because you didn't try.

 

Love that strong is never a one way street. I bet he feels exactly the same. I recall when my ex-g/f asked me not to contact her again it was the worst thing she could have ever said to me because it gave me no chance to try and put things right and work things out. It was such a devastating thing to have to hear but you have to respect their wishes however much it hurts. I remember saying i would always talk to her if she wanted to because i didn't want us both to close the communication channels, at least if i kept mine open then she had that option even if i didn't. I would love to hear from her, i would love to talk to her. Everyone loves someone who tries, those people that win in life are those people that try and keep trying. I would have kept trying with my g/f till the end of time because i loved her that much, i would have never given up. If she contacted me again i would definitely try again because i know that i have never felt that way about anyone in my life, it was special, it was unique. She was special and unique.

 

I bet you are feeling nervous aboout trying, maybe that holds you back a bit. Just remember what i said above about trying, please try because it gives you a chance. You know he feels the same because what you had was special. I hope you give it a go and i hope you succeed. Don't let anyone put doubt in your mind. Believe in yourself, believe in him and believe in what you had together. Everyone can make mistakes, everyone should have the opportunity to rectify their mistakes. True love knows no limits so there's no reason why you shouldn't start again, only this time you'll be better prepared because you know what you want. The best of luck. i wish all success and happiness.

[Survivor12]

How long have you been out of your most recent relationship? You say that he hurt you like no one before. Have you recovered?

 

If the breakup is recent (within the last 6 months) or if you are not completely "over it" (i.e. reached the point of indifference), I would not recommend contacting your previous ex. It is quite possible that your feelings for him come from him being the "lesser of two evils"...in other words, since your recent ex hurt you so much worse, it may make it seem "not so bad". Does that make sense? Also, even if there is a chance of reconciliation with your previous ex, unresolved feelings about your recent b.u. could end up causing problems or, you may find that it really wasn't what you wanted after all.

 

One more thing to consider...there are reasons that you and your (1st) ex broke up. Don't make the mistake of assuming that time has changed those reasons...it just dulls the memory. Kinda like a hangover...when you are suffering from one, you swear NEVER AGAIN...but after you have recovered from it, it's easy to forget how bad it felt.

 

Whatever you choose to do, there's no need to rush.

[singme2sleep]

I think if you really feel strongly, you should reach out to him. Your heart knows what it wants and life is too short to wonder what might have been...

[lullaby]

Thank you all for your replies. I’ll answer to each of you.

 

fungusamungis, yes, I know I do want to see how he’s doing, see him, he’s always been that person to me, and time goes by and I still think about him like the first day. This past relationship made me realize it could have never worked; I was just blind and couldn’t see it before.

 

Yes, RR1, you have answered me on the other post, and I really appreciate your thoughts. And like you say, feeling nervous is what holds me back a bit, I don’t want to make a mistake or hurt myself anymore. Thank you so much for your kind words of hope and success. I wish you could be with that special person too and to bring you some hope with a successful story myself.

 

Survivor12, the past relationship lasted 5 months, it started on last September, and by mid November I knew there was something wrong with it, until I finally ended it on January. The BU itself was a relief to me, it didn’t hurt because I wasn’t in love with him and I was certainly not enjoying my time with him at all. I’m completely over him, I mean, I don’t miss him. It hurts me to see he lied; he argued he was depressed, going through a tough time and he was actually considering committing suicide! So I got really worried, but like I said before, he was actually going out with someone else and even when he was telling me he was sad, and was asking me to wait for his recovery to be together again, he had already met her parents! That’s what hurt me the most, the path he chose to avoid the responsibility of facing the truth and being honest to me. But what you say does make total sense and that was the point of my post. But what I do feel is that I need to clear my head and doubts, and I don’t think I would be able to continue dating if I’m not sure whether I should try again with my ex or not.

I also understand that there were reasons for the BU, and I can say my reasons are not there anymore, but of course, I can’t know if his are still there. Maybe he moved on and found someone else (I have no way to know if he’s going out with someone, we don’t have friends in common, he’s not my contact on fb or nothing like that).

 

singme2sleep, thanks to you too. That is what’s also “pushing” me towards him, life is too short and I wouldn’t want to regret not having fought for this love.

 

Either way, I’m going to give a bit more time to think about it, because I also have to find the best way to approach to him. Whether a text or a message through facebook, and also what to say. His b-day is not coming up soon, and mine is on May.

 

I would appreciate thoughts from more people here on LS, thanks to you all!

[TaraMaiden]

Well, do you know his current 'status'?

Is he dating, single, seeing anyone?

 

There's no harm in touching base, but if you were the official 'dumper' don't forget he may believe he's on the receiving end of 'breadcrumbs'.

 

How are you going to approach a contact in such a way as to not let him think that is the case?

[lullaby]

Well, do you know his current 'status'?

Is he dating, single, seeing anyone?

 

There's no harm in touching base, but if you were the official 'dumper' don't forget he may believe he's on the receiving end of 'breadcrumbs'.

 

How are you going to approach a contact in such a way as to not let him think that is the case?

 

Thank you so much for your reply!

 

The problem is I don't know his current status and there's no way of knowing either, only by contacting him We don't have friends in common, his fb looks the same (I don't have him as a contact btw) although that's not a way of telling anything. Some friends saw him by chance on the street but he was either alone or with male friends.

 

He was the dumper first in 2010, but I put the final stop last year.

 

Regardless of what comes out of it, I don't know what I could say or how to approach to him, there lies my doubt...

[TaraMaiden]

How's his 'sense of humour'...?

 

I'm thinking his Birthday is a long way off, but tell him you're going by the all-new Mayan Calendar and - surprise! Today's his Birthday!

 

Sometimes, tickling someone's funny-bone can be an ice-breaker.

 

One of the reasons I love/hate my H is that even if I'm really, but really mad at him - he can make me laugh.

 

Schyte......

 

It's worth a try, if you really think you'd like to give it a go.

 

But you MUST both do work on the stupid stuff that split you up last time.

Seriously - you must.

[lullaby]

He totally has a sense of humour, and is really open to any topic you bring up. If you could see the variety of topics we discussed!

 

It's so great to laugh through moments of anger, right? Even when you want to kill him!

 

Yes, his b-day is in June, although your idea of the Mayan Calendar sounds interesting. I need to put more thought into it because I wouldn't want to rush into anything.

 

I would love to see how he is right now, he was working on himself a lot when we broke up last year and we had long talks about the things we should work on our own, for a tentative future together or even for our own personal lives. Things ended really well between us. He was never the type to avoid talking things over and you could tell he was constantly trying to be a better man.

[RR1]

I have an idea. How about just keep it simple and go with something like: Hi, how are you?

I think you really can keep it as simple as that and then you put the ball in his court and leave him to respond. You have opened the dialogue so you have done your bit, it's then up to him to follow up and make some plans with you.

[lullaby]

Yes, I thought about that, but it can intrigue him and send him the wrong message, given our history, all the back and forth, a simple message was all it used to take to be together again.

 

I came up with the idea of sending him a text saying I thought I saw him on the street going to work or something but I wasn't sure if it was him. I know where he works, just 10 blocks from my workplace, so I could see him some day actually.

Even if he asks me why I didn't say hello, I can say I wasn't sure it was him. I can even add that I heard The Killers are playing in a month and he loves that band so I can say I thought it was funny to see him on the street together with this band playing, sort of like a funny coincidence (was this clear? ) )

 

How about that?

[fungusamungus]

Yes, I thought about that, but it can intrigue him and send him the wrong message, given our history, all the back and forth, a simple message was all it used to take to be together again.

 

I came up with the idea of sending him a text saying I thought I saw him on the street going to work or something but I wasn't sure if it was him. I know where he works, just 10 blocks from my workplace, so I could see him some day actually.

Even if he asks me why I didn't say hello, I can say I wasn't sure it was him. I can even add that I heard The Killers are playing in a month and he loves that band so I can say I thought it was funny to see him on the street together with this band playing, sort of like a funny coincidence (was this clear? ) )

 

How about that?

Just send him an email/text message/call/whatever your preferred non-committal form of communication is and say hi and just see how it is going. Personally, I hate it when people try to disguise an attempt to just talk as something else.

 

I remember when my last ex reached out to me about 1 month post-break up. On one hand, I was happy to hear from her (I'll be honest, I was/am still in love with her and we broke up for a VERY, VERY stupid reason), but her reasoning for doing so was just so unbelievably bizarre that it just came across as an excuse for her to talk to me (and a very bad one at that). I didn't really feel ready to talk to her so I kind of blew her off, and my suspicion was only confirmed when she kept trying, each time with an excuse, which started to become more and more ridiculous ("Hey, I was just wondering, I found a pair of your socks, would you like them back?" I mean... come on...). Personally, I would've probably been much more responsive to her if she had just been direct and upfront.

[Skalabanan]

I don't want to be a negative nelly as reconciliation makes my heart warm but it seems like your investing way to much into potentially very little contact.

 

Try and mindset yourself so that you can give or take whatever scenario developes and contact should be made easier and less stressful.

 

I hope whatever you decide that your happy, that's all that matters.

[lullaby]

Yes, you're probably right. I'm making too much of a big deal about it and maybe if I use some sort of excuse he'll think I'm planning too much. Like I said before, I don't want to get back right away, I honestly just want to see him, talk, and then maybe rekindle things over time. I know for a fact I don't want to start dating other guys without first putting this doubt to rest and following my gut feeling. I just need to give it another go before it's too late, or before opening myself to someone new (which is something I have no particular interest in doing)

 

It's just that it's been really hard to avoid contacting him all this time, and I'm just scared about what the outcome may be. It's just that... but I guess it's true that the simpler the better.

[LifeIsGreat]

Yes, detachment from the results will help you keep your cool and not get stressed.

 

I'm 1 month post b/u and my ex wants to be 'friends'. Since I'm in a good place, I'm open to trying it. But, I am very detached from the results so it's making it very easy.

[lullaby]

Yes, detachment from the results will help you keep your cool and not get stressed.

 

I'm 1 month post b/u and my ex wants to be 'friends'. Since I'm in a good place, I'm open to trying it. But, I am very detached from the results so it's making it very easy.

 

It's good if you're detached from the results, as long as you know what makes you happy and what doesn't.

[sattech200]

RR1 This is absolutly beautifull! I completly agree. Follow your heart.

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back it was always ment to be.

 

Hi, i think i have responded to one or two of your posts before so i hope you don't mind if i do again.

 

There will be plenty of people who say don't bother and write it off and move on etc. I'm not going to be one of those, Love is never 100% logical, that's the magic and beauty of it, it comes from the heart. So always follow your heart. Sure you can go with logic and find some reasons why you shouldn't be with someone but the reality is that person connected with you in a way that hasn't left you. If you are still thinking of someone after all this time it's because they touched you deep inside, you found love with that person. Maybe at the time that was scary because you knew it was the real thing and maybe you weren't ready for it, or maybe you doubted it was love so you had to walk away in order to realise it was love you were feeling. Whatever the reasons that person still is there with you. I think you should take the chance and contact them, don't lose the opportunity. Life is full of regret, but regret that you tried and failed rather than failed because you didn't try.

 

Love that strong is never a one way street. I bet he feels exactly the same. I recall when my ex-g/f asked me not to contact her again it was the worst thing she could have ever said to me because it gave me no chance to try and put things right and work things out. It was such a devastating thing to have to hear but you have to respect their wishes however much it hurts. I remember saying i would always talk to her if she wanted to because i didn't want us both to close the communication channels, at least if i kept mine open then she had that option even if i didn't. I would love to hear from her, i would love to talk to her. Everyone loves someone who tries, those people that win in life are those people that try and keep trying. I would have kept trying with my g/f till the end of time because i loved her that much, i would have never given up. If she contacted me again i would definitely try again because i know that i have never felt that way about anyone in my life, it was special, it was unique. She was special and unique.

 

I bet you are feeling nervous aboout trying, maybe that holds you back a bit. Just remember what i said above about trying, please try because it gives you a chance. You know he feels the same because what you had was special. I hope you give it a go and i hope you succeed. Don't let anyone put doubt in your mind. Believe in yourself, believe in him and believe in what you had together. Everyone can make mistakes, everyone should have the opportunity to rectify their mistakes. True love knows no limits so there's no reason why you shouldn't start again, only this time you'll be better prepared because you know what you want. The best of luck. i wish all success and happiness.