Trying to move on from a 6 year relationship..

[Drummerboy420]

Hey all, my name is Zack.. I have a very very very long and very crazy story.. I understand if many can't read through it, but if anyone can I'd greatly appreciate it. I need unbiased opinions and insight.. I'm just struggling. I have to put this out so I apologize for the length.. I'm still processing it all.

 

I was dumped by my girlfriend of six years back around Thanksgiving. This all goes back to 2006, and a completely chance encounter..

 

I am from Maryland, and randomly moved to Seattle just days after my 22nd birthday in April (I'm 28 going on 29 now). Needed a change, was in a bad place mentally (though now I realize I was just running from my issues regarding my negative outlook on life, where I grew up, etc.. But that will get touched on later), didn't have much of a real career path (was Land Surveying at the time), and wanted a break from the east coast. Had a musician buddy out in Seattle who convinced me to try that place, so I did. I was infatuated with the place for sure, and made a promise to myself that I would not go back to MD any sooner than 5 years, if I were to go back at all.. It was thrilling being out there on my own meeting new friends and just doing whatever (I still held jobs and whatnot. lol). My friends back home noticed right away when I visted late that September for my brother's wedding, that I had mellowed out and seemed truly happy. Not long after that, in early October I get this Myspace message from a gorgeous girl, from Maryland. She said she had dreamed of moving to Seattle her entire life. I was her hero for doing it. She thought it was so cool that I did what I did. Things like that. I was floored. Next thing you know we're telling each other our life stories. Then the phone numbers get exchanged, then we're texting. I had never texted before then. We both thought we were crazy for falling for each other from a distance like we did, but it happened. All these coincidences.. We realized over time that we probably crossed paths a bazillion times and never noticed before (The greater Baltimore area is small like that). She also happened to have moved into the apartment complex that is literally blocks from where I grew up, merely one month before I left said house for Seattle. I had never truly been in love before this. I "thought" I was in love when I was 17, but it was high school, and a long distance relationship. Lasted about a year. Not even REMOTELY close to this.. Our talks and texts got more and more intimate around that Thanksgiving (I just realized the irony as I typed that..)

 

I visited around Christmas time. Saw her Christmas night for the first time. It really was like something out of a romance movie. Silly and cheesy as it sounds. The first kiss was magic, that whole night was magic. Those two weeks I was visiting home, we spent 99% of it together. She met all my friends, they loved her. She met some of my family, they loved her, too. Her apartment was super well-kept like mine. We didn't have every last thing in common, but a lot, and the intangibles.. Our personalities, the way we think about life, our fiestiness despite being a little shy as well. While I was visiting, she got screwed over by her job and was laid off. They gave her a huge severance pay, but she was distressed. Didn't know what to do. I told her that this was her chance.. To come to Seattle. She could stay with me temporarily until she got on her feet and got her own place. And that is what happened. Her and her brother drove out together. Her family and friends thought she was nuts. Her brother gave me the third degree, but warmed up to me pretty quickly once he got to know me. She had a panic attack about it at first, and actually left to go back to MD after about a week. I was a wreck. But after about a day, and only getting as far as Idaho, she came back. Now.. Just before this happened.. My music buddy (who was also my roommate when I first moved out to Seattle) and I had a bad falling out. Living together was not good for us. He was a slob, I was not. His younger brother also lived with us and caused a lot of drama. I lost all the friends I met through him. So I had done all this talking to her about meeting my Seattle friends. Then that happens just mere weeks before she is set to arrive. My old habits creeped up on me again. The negativity.. Suddenly Seattle wasn't so rosy to me. I needed to let it go and I did not. At least not damn near soon enough.

 

The early days were like a dream. While she was looking for work, I would come home from my job to the smell of things baking, her prancing around my apartment looking hot as hell. We connected on so many levels, we "got" each other. She had been in other relationships before that each lasted 2 - 3 years at a time. But I was the best. The sex was amazing, our emotional connection was deep. She believed I was her soulmate, and vice versa. I had never been in love. This was my first serious longterm relationship. Once she got a job and got her finances in order and could feasibly get her own place, she didn't really want to move out, and I didn't want her to. Even disagreements we had would get resolved and talked out quickly. We communicated extremely well. But my issues with Seattle continued to fester, and would come out every now and again in the form of my ranting (something I'm working on now). We were having difficulties making new friends, but I was being impatient. We hadn't been there long. I have always had problems with being brash and impatient. The 4th floor apartment we were in was small but we made it work. Before she moved in that was my first real place of MY OWN. It was a one bedroom-studio hybrid type. Well, this hotels-turned-aparments building shared space with a restaurant by day, and night club by night. A bigger apartment opened up on the second floor, directly above the bar. She wanted more space. I was apprehensive. Things began to unravel out there after we moved into that apartment. I wanted to go back to Baltimore. The place I wanted so badly to get away from.. Suddenly I wanted to run back to it. As I sit here now I just shake my head at myself. We had tons of money saved, we could have moved anywhere we wanted. Didn't need cars out there so we had no car payments. Very few bills and debts over all. Still.. She chose to come back with me. She wanted to stay, but she chose me.

 

The first few years back, while she missed Seattle, she kept telling me she didn't regret her decision. Our love continued to blossom. But I struggled with my inner demons. Being back brought them back out slowly. She was seeing the old me that I had mentioned to her before. The me I never wanted her to see. I was having falling outs with people and then not speaking to them for long periods. I wanted to slap myself, yet couldn't stop myself. Why did I let myself get lured back? Why did I think anything would change just because I left it for a while? I was finally on the verge of a potential career path, but the place I was working at, while paying me well, had me stuck in between shops, being a maintenance mechanic, and a fix-it Plumber. I wanted a career, an eventual license so I could finally make even better money than what that place was paying me. Despite some reservations about the first place I applied and interviewed with in late summer of 2010, a very very small Plumbing company, I took the job. They said they could guarantee 40 hours but could not pay me what I was getting paid before, but they would put me through school for free. I told them I couldn't take the job with the paycut unless I absolutely had 40 hours a week. They didn't, and two weeks in I discovered that the owner, whom I had to work directly with every other day, was a total psychopath.

 

My unraveling began.. Comminucation started breaking down more. Work started coming home. Wasn't getting the hours I needed. Money got tight and everything got stressful. I was ashamed of myself, yet couldn't stop. I don't know why. It was this cycle I couldn't break. We were fighting more often over the last year and a half. Anytime she wanted to just talk about it, I didn't want to. I was in denial. I was depressed. All I wanted to do was sleep. I stopped wanting to do all the things we talked about wanting to do together. I was questioning why I even wanted to be a Plumber in the first place. I was cranky, I snapped at her more. She has always been a worrier. Her anxiety issues never really bothered me before, but then I kept losing patience with it. She was always a jealous type, and that irritated me more as well. Before I would just laugh it off and easily got her to chill out. I never gave her any reason to think I would cheat, but she seemed paranoid for a while that I would run off with someone else. I was as loyal as they come. Her confidence issues never used to bother me. I had no problem lifting her up when she needed it. We had been each other's rocks. Had been..

 

I moved out briefly at the end of 2011. We didn't "split" per se, because we kept seeing each other. But 3 months into it, she wanted me to move back in. She missed me terribly. But I never took the time to work on my issues, I should have said no and stayed out longer. We said we'd give it at LEAST a full year. As soon as I moved back in, before Thanksgiving (jesus, I just realized that coincidence, too..) it started happening all over again. By the time I finally realized I was depressed, and was ready to face it, it was too late. I was being stubborn about relationship counseling. That was her last ditch plea to work this out. I assumed they would blame me for everything and I was ashamed and embarassed so I didn't go. And yet at this very moment in time, I am currently seeing a counselor for myself ANYWAYS.. But I digress.. I never meant to hurt her. I never wanted it to get this way. I loved her despite my issues and hers (and she has them, too. I just didn't get into all of them. We both did wrong, I just did more wrong..), but I lost myself completely.

 

Around Thanksgiving of 2012, she broke it off with me. She developed a crush on a guy from her Parkour gym (yep, she does parkour), and they started dating a mere two weeks after her and I split. I was stuck sleeping on the couch because the same friend I moved in with the year prior, was still re-doing the other guest bedroom. But I couldn't wait any longer. I was going to kill myself if I didn't get out. I was sleeping on the couch while she went out for drinks with this guy after their class. I got out. Failed at going no contact. Made the texting mistake. Finally I went no contact. Started feeling better. Took action with my own issues. I reconciled with everyone, started seeing counseling, took up Brazilian Jiu Jitsu like I had wanted to (had to recently stop because it's too damn expensive..), started practicing heavily on my drums again.. Yaddayadda. I felt good. Then SHE broke the radio silence. Her father became seriously ill, and parkour guy had his own hang-ups with his ex girlfriend that started coming to light, despite him liking her. PLUS, he admitted to her that he was Facebook stalking me constantly. He was reading my About Me section and knew I was gonna try to get her back. I didn't find this out until maybe a month ago. She would break the radio silence with me, and we would hang out and occasionally fool around, while she was seeing this guy. All she ever did was badmouth him to me. Most times when we hung out, she never told him she was with me, until the very end of their little fling. During one of those times when she was pissing me off by talking about him, I decided to bring up the girl I was talking to at the time (and still am now). As to be expected, she did not react well. I mentioned thinking about hooking up with her and she got pissed. "Is that all you care about?" "Well, I'm not in any hurry to fall in love again." Somehow we recovered from that, and eventually she admitted that she had that coming from talking about the guy so much. So yeah.. It wasn't long after the holidays mercifully ended, that she messed up a backflip and hurt her back. So who gets the random phone call with crying at the other end over how she doesn't think she's cut out for it after all? *raises hand* She nearly backed out before she even started. Guess who encouraged her to still go? *raises hand* She leaned on me, and eventually she called it off with him. He made it seem like he really wanted to still hang out as friends, but since then has flaked on her on several occasions. She finally admitted to me what I called it all along. A rebound. During the end of their fling she tried to adopt a dog. Started having panic attacks and realizing she has severe commitment issues, even with a dog. Sure enough, the dog had severe issues that she couldn't handle so she gave it back. During this time she was coming to terms with her severe anxiety issues, saying it is going to ruin her. Then, on her own, asked for the number to a pro bono place that I called to find my counselor (who is awesome, thankfully). It was also during this time that my grandfather passed away, and my car was involved in a hit and run accident in a parking lot. Even she was like, "Fate is really trying to test you.." But I was keeping my head up despite it all. my grandfather's death made me more grateful for things in life, my family especially. She was seeing all of that in me.

 

Then she was like, "Maybe we can date each other again? Just take things slow, no expectations no guarantees or promises.." She saw the progress I was making and was being super encouraging, saying she believed in me and believed I could get myself straight and all that. She admitted that it lured her back in. She kept saying how she wasn't quite ready to give me her heart again, but she didn't want to lose me. But she still wanted to see other people as well. Why I thought I could go along with this, I have no idea. All I wanted was a chance, and I knew I could prove that I was on the right track. Supposedly I was "the favorite", while three suitors on okcupid "fell into her lap" as she put it. I handled it better than she expected. She's not, nor ever has been, a slut. So she hasn't slept with any of them, unless she's deciding not to tell me. I almost accused her of it, and she got really hurt and started crying, so I believe her.. Anyways.. Number one turned out to be a "pompous ass" as she described. Only saw him a few times. Number two seemed okay, but put himself in the Friend Zone because he has hangups with his ex. However, he said he's still attracted to her, and still wants to hang out. I was like, "Well you know that means he's just looking to hook up." She got really naive about it and said he didn't seem like that type, and she didn't think so. Either way she said, "Hey, he put himself in the friendzone, so I draw that boundary line. He's not coming back out of it" During this process we were seeing each other and occasionally hooking up. She did good not mentioning any of it to me (unlike when parkour guy was around), but I could still feel a constant pushing and pulling. I was beginning to get sick of it. She even mentioned she was just gonna stop dating and work on herself. Well, later that very same night she said that, she gave number 3 a try, when initially she wasn't going to. Apparently he turned out to be nothing like she originally though, and she found it to be a good thing. Well, she started going into details (I didn't ask. All I ask was how her night went, because originally she was supposed to hang out with a friend), about how he was like talking to a male version of herself, she didn't mind that he has a 7 year old daughter (She's been wanting kids on and off, but I lack the ability to procreate..), and they really enjoyed each other's company. Started saying **** like, "I should know better than to get my hopes up. I'll just say something that screws it up. Isn't that what I always do?" I was just like, "you know? whatever. I'll just stick myself in the friend zone, too. I can't deal with this." I tried to be encouraging, but it was fake. I just didn't want to look like the selfish prick, but eventually I stopped caring. I was irked. It was around noon-1 PM that day that we spoke. Went to band practice, then up to her place afterwards because we had made plans to hang out, and I needed to grab some remaining items. Why even give me this chance? I kept wondering. Why? I had started doing better before she kept coming back..

 

As usual we were getting too cozy on the couch, and she pushed me away and was getting weird about me making moves on her, said I was confusing HER. I said, "YOU are confusing ME." I asked her why even give me the chance, and she tried the, "I thought that's what you wanted." I said, "YOU suggested it and YOU kept coming back to ME so I thought this was something YOU legitimately wanted." She said she was confused and she didn't mean to lead me on. I said, "Well you did." She got mad about that, but after calming down from that anger, she said she didn't want to be a source of my misery. She feels for me. I'm her best friend, I've been her "constant companion" (a phrase for me that she has used so many times I lost count), she doesn't love me that way anymore. But she cares about me. I re-iterated that I don't want her damn pity. Earlier that evening she was getting offended when I kept refusing help from her regarding any financial things. She was like, "Fine, be that way." Finally I said I can't do this anymore. Told her I can't be her friend. I just can't do it. It looked like someone punched her in the gut when she looked at me. Then I said, "Don't call or text me anymore." Her face grew even longer, her eyes got kinda big. That was the last thing she expected to hear from me, I know it, and I was looking her right in the eyes. She asked, "Ever?" I said, "No, but not for a long while. Or unless you actually want to give me a serious chance again. No in between. All or nothing. I can't give you a timeframe." She kept asking me to drive safe as I was leaving, and imploring me not to let this set me back from the progress I was making. I got a little peeved, looked her dead in the eye and replied, "I have already told you countless times that no matter what happens between us.. that I would not stop. I will prove anyone and everyone wrong who doubts me. And one day it will be good enough for somebody." And I left. She texted me later that night with a, "I know I shoudn't be texting you (had to stop myself several times already), and I know you probably don't want to hear from me.. But I'm really sorry about the way things ended tonight.. I wish you well.. And I hope that maybe someday we can talk again.." I read and ignored it. We both have iphones, so I know it told her I read it.

 

The fun doesn't stop there.. I made the mistake of looking at her FB page through someone else's who's a mutual friend (she still has some of my family and friends on her page. we unfriended months and months ago, except for on youtube), because I knew she was stalking mine. Came across a post.. Just mere hours before I went up there that evening and everything went down the way it did, she had a post.. "I've got butterflies in my chest. I can't remember the last time this happened to me :)" So naturally I start smashing things. Productively, mind you. My buddy that I'm living with needs some concrete blocks smashed. He fabricated a 20-ish lbs sledgehammer that I was swinging with reckless abandon. Posted public pics of the destruction on FB and was talking about wanting to erase every last memory. I knew she'd see it. Then I made a comment in the thread to a friend of mine, a play on a Ray Rice quote (for any Ravens fans out there), "Hey diddle diddle, I got played like a fiddle. :)" Later that night I get an angry text from her, so I called. The beginning of the conversation was heated. She couldn't believe I accused her of playing me, and was super hurt about me wanting to erase my memory. All I could say was, "Is this what you really think of me? You tell me over and over again that you forgive me for everything, you believe in me that I can change and have seen it. You lean on me when you need me then push me away the next. Butterflies? Really?! You can't remember the last time it happened?! WOW. Wow." She demanded to know who told me, I told her I found out myself. She started saying, "So what, it's just butterflies. It doesn't mean anything. I am not with anyone. besides I should know better, given my recenty track record. I'll probably just say something to screw it up anyways. Isn't that what I always do? And while you may not believe me.. If this one doesn't work out I am DONE dating for a long while. Done." I then asked, "Why are you on MY FB page still? Why don't you let ME go? What do you want with me?! Why do you constantly worry and fret over me? I don't want your pity!" She threw a lot back in my face after that. How unhappy she was over the last year or so, the debt I'm in to her that she started keeping track of. Not being able to even just go take a vacation to Seattle, let alone move back there. Said it is a bitter pill to swallow that she made the wrong choice. I asked what about the first five, and I told her she has no idea how much I have guilted myself and agonized over it every day since this went down in November, and even before it went down. Said I never meant to hurt her or make her feel like she wasn't good enough, that nothing she could do could make me happy. I just lost myself. I told her that I knew it was BS that she forgave me after she did because it's all being thrown at me again. I'm being made to pay for my mistakes over and over again despite how much better I had been recently when SHE offered the idea TO ME to date. I DID NOT ask. I swear I did not. Then she backtracked and apologized. She sobbed to me that she has nothing left for me regarding being in love, and that she's sorry. But that I'm her best friend, I was her constant companion (again with that ****), she fell for me harder than she's ever fallen for anyone. She adores me but she can't do it anymore. Then talks about how you never know what the future brings. That made me mad. I told her to stop doing that **** to me. I do not want false hope. I'm not clinging to it. The conversation ended calmly, we agreed to keep the radio silence. She says it still hurts but she understand and still hopes one day we can be friends, or at least just talk. She said she thinks about me everyday, that she wouldn't forget me, that she can't forget me. Even after all of this and the messiness. She wonders how I'm doing, and worries. I told her I don't know how long that will be for me, and that she needs to stop unless it's anything other than pity. She said it's not like that. We wished each other well again and hung up. I blocked her on FB and unsubscribed from her youtube. She unsubscribed from mine almost instantly after. When our conversation was heated, she threaten to bring notes and pictures and everything that she had from me so I could burn it if I wanted to. There are some things she has to drop off, but she's just gonna leave it on the porch and go on Monday night. Mainly old family photo albums that got dumped on me. If i do find my notes and things amongst them, I will burn every card and note she ever gave me. But I dunno. We both get very irrational when we're mad, so maybe she won't. I'm prepared for it if she does.

 

 

So yes.. hello, and here is my drama.. If you made it through all that, I truly apreciate it.

Edited March 1, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed personal info

[cavalier99]

Wow that was long!

 

Well there isn't much to say except if you go NC it gets better and you will survive. Read the guide bellow. Follow it to the letter and you'll get over this. Otherwise you'll condemn your self to the perpetual state of torture you've been living. Good luck. Cav

 

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/366654-caliguy-no-contact-guide-updated#post4510329

[purplereigncb]

Wow.. I have to read this again, just to catch some stuff I missed the first time. I see how NC is so important. It takes years to erase all the negative stuff from each others minds.

[Drummerboy420]

Yeah... it's insanity.. And believe it or not I forgot things. Things were said that screwed with my head during the whole "half dating" thing. But I am processing it all and taking the next steps.. Changed her name in my phone contacts to MOVE ON. Heh.. Among other things.