Author foreverandalways Posted March 4, 2013 Author Posted March 4, 2013 Wishing that he would bring up the subject and hoping that his conscience will be bothered by something he does not view as a betrayal are both ultimately futile strategies. What is keeping you from addressing the topic with him directly? The obvious...that I looked through his phone. Wrong, yes...absolutely. And I'm ashamed and embarassed I did it. However, I shouldn't have found anything...but I did.
Minneloa Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 Ok, so it seems like your choices at this point are A) Let it go and B) Fess up to snooping, apologize, & let him know why you are upset about what you found. It sounds like you are having trouble with A, so I would recommend B if you are ready to own your mistake and are prepared for his own feelings (whatever they may be) about your snooping. 1
CarrieT Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 The obvious...that I looked through his phone. Wrong, yes...absolutely. And I'm ashamed and embarassed I did it. However, I shouldn't have found anything...but I did. There is a reason we keep going back to the other parts of what you aren't writing about - because those of us that have been around this site for a long time know intuitively (from much experience) how to read between the lines. Read again what Minneloa wrote: Wishing that he would bring up the subject and hoping that his conscience will be bothered by something he does not view as a betrayal are both ultimately futile strategies. What is keeping you from addressing the topic with him directly? You are projecting what you think he should feel about a situation that bothers you when he probably doesn't have a clue. You should absolutely come clean with him about what you know and that it bothers you. Until you do, this is going to dig at you.
Author foreverandalways Posted March 4, 2013 Author Posted March 4, 2013 There is a reason we keep going back to the other parts of what you aren't writing about - because those of us that have been around this site for a long time know intuitively (from much experience) how to read between the lines. Read again what Minneloa wrote: You are projecting what you think he should feel about a situation that bothers you when he probably doesn't have a clue. You should absolutely come clean with him about what you know and that it bothers you. Until you do, this is going to dig at you. Ok, I get what you're saying. I guess I just dont want to admit to him that I was wrong and looked through his phone. I don't want the reprocussions that may result from my admission. But I do want to address the whole thing so it stops weighing so heavily on me. I just dont know how to do it. I dont want him to get upset wtih me for looking at his phone and dismiss the entire text conversation, and make it solely my wrong doing.
CarrieT Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 I don't want the reprocussions that may result from my admission. Of course you don't. That is why you were using those passive/aggressive techniques in hopes he would figure it out himself. And I'm afraid that is just not going to happen. So you have two choices - and only two... 1. Come clean and tell him what you know and how you know it. Put on your Big Girl Pants and be honest with him in all respects: That you know about their correspondence and that it hurts you, apologizing all the time for how and why you know about it. 2. Don't say anything and continue to have faith in him that the stuff he keeps private is done so for a reason. In spite of that, you have a good relationship and you can trust him, even though he may have occasional contact with an Ex. Again - there is no other way to play this out. Both are going to hurt you in some regard. You just have to figure out which one is going to hurt less. Personally, I'd go with the former - but I'm one who believes in being open and honest. 1
Author foreverandalways Posted March 4, 2013 Author Posted March 4, 2013 Of course you don't. That is why you were using those passive/aggressive techniques in hopes he would figure it out himself. And I'm afraid that is just not going to happen. So you have two choices - and only two... 1. Come clean and tell him what you know and how you know it. Put on your Big Girl Pants and be honest with him in all respects: That you know about their correspondence and that it hurts you, apologizing all the time for how and why you know about it. 2. Don't say anything and continue to have faith in him that the stuff he keeps private is done so for a reason. In spite of that, you have a good relationship and you can trust him, even though he may have occasional contact with an Ex. Again - there is no other way to play this out. Both are going to hurt you in some regard. You just have to figure out which one is going to hurt less. Personally, I'd go with the former - but I'm one who believes in being open and honest. I do wonder if he knows that I know though. Because he recently had to switch phones, and this correspondence happened on his old phone that he just leaves home now. He left for work early one day and the alarm clock went off on that phone, and I told him I had to shut it off. He knows I had the opportunity to look through it that morning (and obviously did). I guess he could be just waiting for me to bring it up.
CarrieT Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 I do wonder if he knows that I know though. I guess he could be just waiting for me to bring it up. Why don't you ASK HIM???? You keep wondering and pondering and thinking and projecting - without communicating!
Author foreverandalways Posted March 4, 2013 Author Posted March 4, 2013 Why don't you ASK HIM???? You keep wondering and pondering and thinking and projecting - without communicating! I know, I know. I just haven't decided if I'm upset about it enough to bring it up and endure the consequences.
CarrieT Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 I know, I know. I just haven't decided if I'm upset about it enough to bring it up and endure the consequences. Truthfully - and I am not being snarky or mean - if you decide to endure it, it is something that will present itself later when you least expect it and become something much bigger. I can see it now. You will try to just deal with it, but it is going to gnaw at you. Months from now, there will be some other issue that comes up and, in a moment of unleashing before you know it, you will mention this incident and it will all come crashing down. I just have a feeling...
Author foreverandalways Posted March 5, 2013 Author Posted March 5, 2013 Truthfully - and I am not being snarky or mean - if you decide to endure it, it is something that will present itself later when you least expect it and become something much bigger. I can see it now. You will try to just deal with it, but it is going to gnaw at you. Months from now, there will be some other issue that comes up and, in a moment of unleashing before you know it, you will mention this incident and it will all come crashing down. I just have a feeling... you are absolutely right. Even the other day, he did something that I got snarky about, and I almost said something along the lines of "at least I'm not texting ex boyfriends" So I know you're right. I just have to figure out how to bring it up.
Recommended Posts