How to proceed wtih this?

[foreverandalways]

My BF is usually a very open person with me, but it's his personality to be private with things about finances, his phone, paperwork, etc.

 

I am very open about everything and have nothing to hide, and live openly with people I share my life with.

 

The other day I had the opportunity to check his phone. I know I know. I shouldn't have. But I feel like if you've got nothing to hide, then there isn't a need to be so private.

 

Anyway. I found basically innocent messages from him and his ex. (I dont know much about her, as he doesn't talk much about any of his exes).

 

During the converstation, he let her know that he had something of hers and wanted to know if she wanted it back. They made plans for her to come get it that weekend (a few weeks ago). He did tell her that he is with someone now, she seemed to respect that and said he could just mail the item to her. He said it's Ok, she can still come get it.

 

I found the item in his house the other day, so obviously they did not meet up. Which is good...but if the item disappears, then I know they met up.

 

It could be a completely innocent meet up, and he gives her the item back and they go their own ways. However, he hasn't spoken a word of this to me. And if he meets up with her and doesn't tell me, I would feel betrayed. Plus, I would never know if anything happened or not.

 

I honestly just wish he would tell me about the text conversation and just let me know that he agreed to have her come get her item. If he's doing it secretly, then I feel like he has other intentions.

[CarrieT]

This:

My BF is usually a very open person with me, but it's his personality to be private with things about finances, his phone, paperwork, etc.

 

and this:

I honestly just wish he would tell me about the text conversation and just let me know that he agreed to have her come get her item. If he's doing it secretly, then I feel like he has other intentions.

 

Are never going to work for you if you are not completely open and honest with him about your feelings about his privacy.

 

This is the problem: You are going to feel like he has other intentions because that is what you have set up in your mind - but how does he even know any of this if you do not communicate as such to him?

 

You state that he is a private person. You can't make someone be open and honest without there being a safety net beyond repercussions that are occurring within someone's head.

 

It isn't fair to him that you are setting him up in this imaginary scenario that he doesn't even know about.

 

Is there a reason he can't be or hasn't been open with you about his private things? Does he have a history of mistrust in relationships? You may have to give him the benefit of the doubt until that trust is established between you two and if it never occurs and you keep imagining the worst, than ultimately he is not the guy for you and you should move one until you are with someone with whom you can have the type of relationship that is open and honest. Some people don't operate that way and others are okay with it. It is a matter of finding that one person who thinks and acts the same way you do - or accepting that he doesn't and you are okay with that.

[CudLRoo]

I think being jealous might be a problem here as 'ex stuff' is inevitable in a new relationship, there's always plenty of logistics going on after a breakup and it often takes ages for things to get rehomed(!)

 

If it's any consolation, I met my ex a few times after the breakup, just to exchange items/stuff etc., and there was NEVER any messing about, it was very formal.

 

Try not to make a big deal of it, let him give her the item and that might be that - if you expand it out of all proportion, it might end up getting weird. I mean, you checked his text and he told her he was with someone else, maybe guy's just being honest about wanting to move on (it's the little things like belongings that hold this up!)

 

Anyhoo, hope your hunch isn't right as being in that state definitely isn't good!

[foreverandalways]

But I do trust him, and I do believe if he does meet up with her, that it's completely innocent. He told her about me, which if he didn't do, then I would think he had other intentions. She respected our relationship, which I also like.

 

The fact that he hasn't told me about any of this is hurtful to me and makes me wonder if I SHOULD trust him. I usually trust everyone until they give me a reason not to.

 

He doesn't really like to talk about past relationships, and that's fine with me, I generally don't want to hear much about them anyway. So I don't know if he has had issues with mistrust in previous relationships.

 

I really dont care that he is private about a lot of things personally. I know that stuff may change as our relationship develops over time. I accept that.

 

I really wouldn't even give him a problem about any of this, if he would just tell me this is what he was doing. If he tells me about it, then I feel he is hiding nothing. But if all of this is going on behind my back, then it makes me wonder why.

[foreverandalways]

If this changes anything in any of your minds, we're not in a newer relationship, been dating seriously for almost 8 months.

[CarrieT]

I really wouldn't even give him a problem about any of this, if he would just tell me this is what he was doing. If he tells me about it, then I feel he is hiding nothing. But if all of this is going on behind my back, then it makes me wonder why.

 

But you know what? You wouldn't know and be fretting about any of this if you hadn't SNOOPED and read his private messages...

 

Sorry, OP, you are the one that is not to be trusted in this situation.

 

You are contradicting yourself by saying that you are fine with him not talking about past relationships and that you don't want to hear about them anyway, but festering over this -- when you SHOULDN'T EVEN KNOW ABOUT IT.

 

You are hiding something from him as well, aren't you? The fact that you read his private correspondence...

 

Why does he need to tell you what he is doing when it doesn't involve you and has no impact on your relationship - or wouldn't have any impact if you had reserved his right of privacy?

[foreverandalways]

But you know what? You wouldn't know and be fretting about any of this if you hadn't SNOOPED and read his private messages...

 

Sorry, OP, you are the one that is not to be trusted in this situation.

 

You are contradicting yourself by saying that you are fine with him not talking about past relationships and that you don't want to hear about them anyway, but festering over this -- when you SHOULDN'T EVEN KNOW ABOUT IT.

 

You are hiding something from him as well, aren't you? The fact that you read his private correspondence...

 

Why does he need to tell you what he is doing when it doesn't involve you and has no impact on your relationship - or wouldn't have any impact if you had reserved his right of privacy?

 

Ok, I guess i came here to ask if I should confront him about this, not talk about how I shouldn't be trusted (apparently).

 

I guess if this were happening to you, everything would be fine and dandy?

 

Obvioulsy there is much to our relationship other than what I posted here in a few paragraphs. I was just asking...based on this scenario...if i should bring it up to him.

 

I guess you would be OK with your partner meeting up with exes behind your back.

 

You're failing to see that I would be OK with it, if he wasn't hiding it from me.

[foreverandalways]

And by your logic, you're OK with your partner sending messages to their ex. Because it's private info and you should never know about it.

 

Ignorance is bliss I suppose.

[CudLRoo]

I did this at the start of my last relationship and I made it hell for myself (and her). It's insanity, the fact is that long-term exes strike up a huge bond over time and generally still care about each other, even if they're not in love anymore. There's no point feeling that way, unless you've got a reason to be. Took me a few months before I realised and I felt so guilty, I'm just glad I'm not like that anymore.

 

Stop snooping and everything'll get better. Think of it as picking at a wound. Or picking at skin and making a wound.

[foreverandalways]

I don't know how long they dated.

 

I'm just wondering if the item ever disappears from his house, if it's something I should address.

[CarrieT]

I guess if this were happening to you, everything would be fine and dandy?

This wouldn't happen to me. I don't have the type of relationships with men where things need to be kept secret.

 

Ok, I guess i came here to ask if I should confront him about this

Yes. Yes, you should. You should come clean about reading his mail and then - after your mea culpa - stating that it hurts you that you feel your relationship is such that he can't be open with you about these things.

 

I guess you would be OK with your partner meeting up with exes behind your back.

It would never happen. You are missing the point that I am trying to make.

 

You're failing to see that I would be OK with it, if he wasn't hiding it from me.

Then you need to be open and honest with him about it. Give him that modicum of trust and show him that it is okay and that you won't be the jealous person that is appearing in this thread.

 

 

And by your logic, you're OK with your partner sending messages to their ex. Because it's private info and you should never know about it.

 

Ignorance is bliss I suppose.

I know that my fiance and his Ex communicate all the time because they share custody of three children. It is private between them and I don't need to know what are in those messages to know that I trust him so of course I am fine with their correspondence. Just as he is fine with me corresponding with MY Exes (with whom I have great friendships).

 

The bliss is not in the ignorance. The bliss is in the trust of the relationship. That is what you are not understanding, it seems.

[foreverandalways]

I have an ex, and we have kids together. We have to see each other constantly. I would never ever do anything wtih him again, and my BF knows that.

 

But I still make it a point to let him know any time we have to meet up or have a conversation. I dont want my BF to get insecure that I have to be around my ex because of my kids.

[foreverandalways]

You should get the time, whatever it is, and like hide it or throw it away lol

 

Then you dont have to worry about it

 

Otherwise its just gonna drive you crazy - you will always be checking to see if its there. god forbid if HE throws it out or puts it somewhere else, then you'll be beating yourself up over nothing.

 

Or you could "innocently" bring up the item in converation "Oh whats this, where did you get this" see what he says. If he says its the exes, say "Oh does she not want it back"...give him an opportunity to tell you

 

Thanks for being "real" and not telling me how jealous I am (without even knowing me). Or typing here with your rose colored glasses about how perfect your relationship is.

 

Anwyay, that being said, I actually did think about tossing the item. But after rationale kicked in, I realized that wasn't going to do me any favors. The item isn't bothering me, the fact that he wants to give it back doesn't bother me. The "not telling me that he may meet up with her" is what bothers me.

 

Yeah, I'll probably keep checking if the item is there. I don't know how to "stumble" upon it.

 

Bottom line is, i really just want him to come to me and tell me.

[salparadise]

The other day I had the opportunity to check his phone. I know I know. I shouldn't have. But I feel like if you've got nothing to hide, then there isn't a need to be so private. [...]

 

...but if the item disappears, then I know they met up.

 

You're really painting yourself into a corner, aren't you? You created this situation by snooping through his phone. The rationalization that "if you've got nothing to hide, then there isn't a need to be so private" is just so wrong! You had no justification. Now you've put yourself in the position of having to endure the tortured scenarios you're making up in your head. It's either that or reveal your transgression in order to bring it up as an issue (when there is really no issue). And if that item disappears, you'll be making up more scenarios and attaching meaning with no factual basis whatsoever. The number of ways that item could disappear are many– he mailed it, dropped it off (with or without them seeing each other's face), discarded it or took it to Goodwill or whatever. None of them amount to him betraying you.

 

There is a lesson to be learned... insight into the nature of one's self and the implications of violating boundaries, being suspicious for no reason, making assumptions and authoring stories in one's imagination. Your life and relationships will be better if you learn not to do these things.

[dj572]

My last relationship my girlfriend would read my texts and when I added her to the cell phone plan she would check the numbers all the time and ask me about it. I never had anything to hide and I use my phone for work. It drove me crazy. I am a private person and if I want you to know something I'll tell you if not it's none of your business is how I look at it. Her ex cheated on her so she was distrustful. It drove us apart even though I never did anything she was constantly checking up on me. If you open up that can of worms I suspect it will drive a wedge between you. It might not but for me if I ever choose to be in another relationship the first sign of sneaking around to check up on me I'm done. Either trust him or move on.

[foreverandalways]

Well, he probably isnt going to. I would not read anything into it though. He probably just doesnt feel the need since its completely innocent.

 

the EXACT same thing happened w/ me and my BF. i saw emails between he and his ex about her paying him back some $ and picking up an item. (I have not been able to locate the item however). I was concerned about it for like a few days, but now i dont really think about it.

 

I'm convience there was no foul play involved, and he was just trying to spare me any wierd feelings.

 

I can see your point for sure tho -- b/c I felt the same way, was just wondering why he hadnt volunteered to me that she was coming over.

 

theres a good chance she WONT even come to get it, and it could be that he was gonna tell you IF she actually had plans to come by but until/if that happens isnt bothering mentioning it

 

At least the "item" is not in plain view, so you arent seeing it constantly lol

 

Thanks. I know I brought all of this upon myself. I shouldn't have snooped, and this is what I get for it.

 

She had asked him where he found it, and he told her. Which is why I went to look and it was there. Otherwise I don't think I would have found it.

 

I know that people generally get crazy insane over exes. I don't (contrary to what people have come to believe about me based on this thread). If we ran into any of his exes anywhere I would be friendly (real friendly, not fake friendly). I understand that he had a life and relationships prior to me. THAT part doesn't bother me.

 

Doing something behind my back bothers me.

[foreverandalways]

And I guess I just see this differently than everyone because if I found out my boyfriend checked my texts, I wouldn't feel violated.

 

I have nothing to hide, and if he wants validation of that, he can check. Constantly checking would be a little obsessive though.

 

Like I said, I only did it once. I know that doesn't make it OK. But I have nothing to hide, so if he wanted to snoop and not tell me, he wouldn't find anything.

[foreverandalways]

So, I was asked to lunch by a vendor today, and I know it will help my business relationship. This is casual and innocent, and a professional (not personal) lunch.

 

I decided to text the BF to let him know what's going on, and I told him that I just wanted to make sure he knew, because I would never meet someone for lunch and not tell him about it.

 

I'm kind of hoping that digs at his conscience a bit and he will tell me about the text convo with his ex.

Edited March 4, 2013 by foreverandalways

[Forever Learning]

Confront him about it and get it over with. Might not be the best advice but at least you can get out of the way and move on. I hate 'being in limbo', I bet you do too. Confront him and get everything out in the open and resolved one way or another.

[CarrieT]

I'm kind of hoping that digs at his conscience a bit and he will tell me about the text convo with his ex.

 

Again, unless you openly discuss with him what is going on, you are going to be hitting a wall here.

 

You are making assumptions about his conscience because that is what YOU are projecting he should feel.

 

And - frankly - that sort of game-playing is very passive aggressive and will ultimately fail.

 

How can he know what is going on in your head and what is bothering you if you don't tell him?!?!? :rolleyes:

[FitChick]

He probably knows you are insecure so figures why make trouble over something innocent regarding someone from his past for whom he has no feelings?

 

I predict you will sabotage this relationship. Sad.

[FitChick]

I have nothing to hide, so if he wanted to snoop and not tell me, he wouldn't find anything.

 

But he isn't you. Everyone has different boundaries that need to be respected.

[foreverandalways]

He probably knows you are insecure so figures why make trouble over something innocent regarding someone from his past for whom he has no feelings?

 

I predict you will sabotage this relationship. Sad.

 

Knowing nothing about my relationship other than the few paragraphs I wrote here, I don't think you're able to state that I'm going to sabotage my relationship. You really have no idea what our relationship is like.

 

For everyone to "dig" into our relationship based on this scenario is ridiculous.

 

I came here asking advice on the situation itself.

[foreverandalways]

But he isn't you. Everyone has different boundaries that need to be respected.

 

 

I know that. But the fact that he has something and not telling me is the issue, but everyone seems to overlook that, and focus on the fact that I found out in ways that I shouldn't have.

[Minneloa]

Wishing that he would bring up the subject and hoping that his conscience will be bothered by something he does not view as a betrayal are both ultimately futile strategies. What is keeping you from addressing the topic with him directly?