OWnomore Posted March 1, 2013 Posted March 1, 2013 I left my MM a few months ago and a lot of it was due to how bad I felt for his wife. She had caught him several months prior to me leaving him. I thought he would leave me when she found out, but he didn't. First off, I don't think BSs are idiots or stupid. I do wish I could talk to his wife and warn her how he got around 100% transparency. I read about it here and on another site geared towards BS and they have an area for WS also. If I could talk to her I'd let her know that she can have passwords, keyloggers, check the phone bill and so many other things, but he got around all of it. Unfortunately if a cheater wants to cheat, they will find a way. 100% transparency is a farce and gives a false sense of security. He also learned how to "be normal" at home so he didn't bring on suspicion. Making her feel special with out over doing it. So, what would you say to your MM or MW spouse/SO?
imperfectangel Posted March 1, 2013 Posted March 1, 2013 I'm sorry you are married to a complete douche
carhill Posted March 1, 2013 Posted March 1, 2013 OW/OM what would you say to BSsAt the time, I chose to merely provide him with his spouse's love letters and cards, as this was long before commercial internet and e-mail. I think those spoke more words than I possibly could at the time. Today, knowing what I know, I'd offer him my sympathies and apologies for believing all the 'stuff' his now exW dished out. The foolishness of my youth is long ago.
Silly_Girl Posted March 1, 2013 Posted March 1, 2013 I'd say the same as I'd say to any married person: If your relationship doesn't make you happy, doesn't fulfil you... Address it or get out. Don't settle for second best. 2
ComingInHot Posted March 1, 2013 Posted March 1, 2013 OWnomore; Hi there! The Thread below actually has many different things that an OW or exOW would have said or wanted to say to the BW. Maybe it will help http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/360696-i-m-your-mm-s-wife I can tell you for me, I would have greatly appreciated your words of apology CIH
cocorico Posted March 2, 2013 Posted March 2, 2013 So, what would you say to your MM or MW spouse/SO? He left you years ago. Stop stalking me and move on, already! 1
canuckprincess Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 I left my MM a few months ago and a lot of it was due to how bad I felt for his wife. She had caught him several months prior to me leaving him. I thought he would leave me when she found out, but he didn't. First off, I don't think BSs are idiots or stupid. I do wish I could talk to his wife and warn her how he got around 100% transparency. I read about it here and on another site geared towards BS and they have an area for WS also. If I could talk to her I'd let her know that she can have passwords, keyloggers, check the phone bill and so many other things, but he got around all of it. Unfortunately if a cheater wants to cheat, they will find a way. 100% transparency is a farce and gives a false sense of security. He also learned how to "be normal" at home so he didn't bring on suspicion. Making her feel special with out over doing it. So, what would you say to your MM or MW spouse/SO? I agree 100 percent transparency if complete BS. Where there's a will there's a way. 1
LFH Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 (edited) I left my MM a few months ago and a lot of it was due to how bad I felt for his wife. She had caught him several months prior to me leaving him. I thought he would leave me when she found out, but he didn't. First off, I don't think BSs are idiots or stupid. I do wish I could talk to his wife and warn her how he got around 100% transparency. I read about it here and on another site geared towards BS and they have an area for WS also. If I could talk to her I'd let her know that she can have passwords, keyloggers, check the phone bill and so many other things, but he got around all of it. Unfortunately if a cheater wants to cheat, they will find a way. 100% transparency is a farce and gives a false sense of security. He also learned how to "be normal" at home so he didn't bring on suspicion. Making her feel special with out over doing it. So, what would you say to your MM or MW spouse/SO? Oh that's so very true. I never understand why people think that the person that has lied to them for <insert however long here> has suddenly decided to be truthful because they handed them a computer password. Sure they may have "begged and pleaded" to stay and swored truthfulness and fidelity but uh.. they did that in front of a bunch of people the day they made those vows once before didn't they? They are begging because they like their little set up and don't like conflict or change. It doesn't mean they mean it. If they meant it, something would have caused them to falter here or there in their lies. Nope, they aren't sorry, they're sorry they got caught, and from what I can tell tell, at least half, more like a lot more just take things underground. Edited March 4, 2013 by LFH 2
Furious Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 I don't believe anyone can enforce transparency. I advocate that betrayed spouses send the WS packing instead. Cheap forgiveness and forced transparency is asking an un-remorseful WS to go underground. Personally, I think the WS and OW/OM deserve each other if the affair continues despite d-day. A truly confident betrayed spouse will wish them well and move on. 2
Pierre Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 I left my MM a few months ago and a lot of it was due to how bad I felt for his wife. She had caught him several months prior to me leaving him. I thought he would leave me when she found out, but he didn't. First off, I don't think BSs are idiots or stupid. I do wish I could talk to his wife and warn her how he got around 100% transparency. I read about it here and on another site geared towards BS and they have an area for WS also. If I could talk to her I'd let her know that she can have passwords, keyloggers, check the phone bill and so many other things, but he got around all of it. Unfortunately if a cheater wants to cheat, they will find a way. 100% transparency is a farce and gives a false sense of security. He also learned how to "be normal" at home so he didn't bring on suspicion. Making her feel special with out over doing it. So, what would you say to your MM or MW spouse/SO? Yep, some cheaters are really pond scun. Why do OWs want these guys? 1
Pierre Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 I left my MM a few months ago and a lot of it was due to how bad I felt for his wife. She had caught him several months prior to me leaving him. I thought he would leave me when she found out, but he didn't. First off, I don't think BSs are idiots or stupid. I do wish I could talk to his wife and warn her how he got around 100% transparency. I read about it here and on another site geared towards BS and they have an area for WS also. If I could talk to her I'd let her know that she can have passwords, keyloggers, check the phone bill and so many other things, but he got around all of it. Unfortunately if a cheater wants to cheat, they will find a way. 100% transparency is a farce and gives a false sense of security. He also learned how to "be normal" at home so he didn't bring on suspicion. Making her feel special with out over doing it. So, what would you say to your MM or MW spouse/SO? Yep, some cheaters are really pond scun. Why do OWs want these guys?
stevie_23 Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 Oh that's so very true. I never understand why people think that the person that has lied to them for <insert however long here> has suddenly decided to be truthful because they handed them a computer password. Sure they may have "begged and pleaded" to stay and swored truthfulness and fidelity but uh.. they did that in front of a bunch of people the day they made those vows once before didn't they? They are begging because they like their little set up and don't like conflict or change. It doesn't mean they mean it. If they meant it, something would have caused them to falter here or there in their lies. Nope, they aren't sorry, they're sorry they got caught, and from what I can tell tell, at least half, more like a lot more just take things underground. Mine did. 4 D-days in total. Only after the final one did he decide to end the A. His wife had his passwords to several websites he goes on. We just found another way. She has access to his normal email account. He made another one (multiple ones). She has access to his phone. He got a “secret” one. There is always a way.
Pierre Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 Mine did. 4 D-days in total. Only after the final one did he decide to end the A. His wife had his passwords to several websites he goes on. We just found another way. She has access to his normal email account. He made another one (multiple ones). She has access to his phone. He got a “secret” one. There is always a way. Stevie A malicious cheater will find a way to deceive others in a more effective manner. But, the relevant question is why some women think this is attractive. Could it be they see this as proof they are special?
stevie_23 Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 Yes, partly. When I think back now, the fact he kept trying to be with me, over and over, DOES bring me comfort that he really did want to be with me. (yes, I know. Laugh at me and pity me all you want) But I don’t find deception attractive. I didn’t want any deception. I just wanted to be with him.
Pierre Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 Yes, partly. When I think back now, the fact he kept trying to be with me, over and over, DOES bring me comfort that he really did want to be with me. (yes, I know. Laugh at me and pity me all you want) But I don’t find deception attractive. I didn’t want any deception. I just wanted to be with him. Stevie: You are enchantingly honest and very innocent. I still think that is a very pretty quality. I also admire your amazing introspection, but at the same time you are what you are and that cannot change. I get the concept of liking the cheater that "only deceives other people and not me". And I am fascinated by how so many women truly believe every word these men say. And then there are others that find the cheating behavior extremely repulsive. This is truly fascinating and I wish I knew why these things happen. How can someone look at hell and see heaven? And yet it is a rather repetitive phenomenon in the forum. And when they discover the lies they act so surprised! Maybe you can shed some light on this. From your readings it is obvious your guy was no saint and was not even liked by his own children and yet he is able to project this image of the "good guy" on so many women. It is a truly astounding phenomenon.
stevie_23 Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 I’m honest because why the hell not? Lol. What do I have to lose, eh? The respect of everyone here? Meh. So be it. I think the thing that keeps coming to my head, whenever I ask myself why I would believe he did care about me and why, despite lying and hiding things from his wife, would he ever be honest with ME, who it’d be SO much easier to lie to online and all that…and what keeps coming back to me is the fact that I was also cheating. And lying to my own partner. And yet I didn’t (mostly) lie to my MM. So…why must we automatically be different in that way? A lot of what we told each other, we told BEFORE getting together. It was a honeymoon period for new close friends that then became more. I’ve experienced this before, with someone who was actually ONLY a friend, and neither of US lied. So why would my MM have lied at this stage? How can I look at hell and see heaven? But don’t you see, if I look at him and see a bad person, then I must see exactly the same when I look at myself. I certainly don’t see heaven when I look at myself either, but I can’t walk around seeing hell! I wouldn’t be able to function! To even get out of bed in the morning. I think things are more complex than what can truly be explained on a discussion forum. His children DO “like” him. The mother of his first 2 kids (who are now in their late 20s I think) got custody and then he moved to another state because his wife at the time wanted to be closer to her family. He didn’t want to move, but he did anyway. The mother of his second lot of 2 kids moved to another state to be with her new husband after they got divorced. He does still have good contact with the older of those 2 kids. They’re fairly close. What I find questionable here is the fact he was willing to move to a state he never wanted to live in because his wife wanted to, even though it would mean leaving behind his 2 kids. And I find it questionable that he can just be “ok” with not having contact with most of his kids. He says they don’t need him. They have other step-dads who are better father figures and they don’t need the complication of an absent father. He never wanted kids in the first place. This is why I won’t ever have kids. Because I just don’t want them and wouldn’t really be a good parent because of that. I think this has gone WAY off topic now! lol
Pierre Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 I’m honest because why the hell not? Lol. What do I have to lose, eh? The respect of everyone here? Meh. So be it. Great! I think the thing that keeps coming to my head, whenever I ask myself why I would believe he did care about me and why, despite lying and hiding things from his wife, would he ever be honest with ME, who it’d be SO much easier to lie to online and all that…and what keeps coming back to me is the fact that I was also cheating. And lying to my own partner. And yet I didn’t (mostly) lie to my MM. So…why must we automatically be different in that way? We judge others from our perspective, that is inevitable. There are also philanderers and there are also innocent people that fall in affairs and that is a BIG DIFFERENCE! It is also possible he never lied to you. Remember, most married men and women in affairs say ILY and they actually mean it. The thing is that many times it falls apart on d-day. It could very well be the bubble. INside the bubble there are no lies. The issue is whether the statements made in the bubble can survive a d-day. A lot of what we told each other, we told BEFORE getting together. It was a honeymoon period for new close friends that then became more. I’ve experienced this before, with someone who was actually ONLY a friend, and neither of US lied. So why would my MM have lied at this stage? You are right, he may be a dumsel in distress that easily falls for other women and means every word he says, but cannot follow through. These men are often seeking external validation and that is like a drug. The inability to follow through is as good as a lie. Don't you think? The end result is the same. How can I look at hell and see heaven? But don’t you see, if I look at him and see a bad person, then I must see exactly the same when I look at myself. I certainly don’t see heaven when I look at myself either, but I can’t walk around seeing hell! I wouldn’t be able to function! To even get out of bed in the morning. Great introspection! You are able to recognize things that most people never see. It is scary to look at ourselves using a magnification lens and without sunglasses. I think things are more complex than what can truly be explained on a discussion forum. It is nothing more than survival for most folks that are immersed in heavy duty rationalization and denial. You and me! All of us want to survive.
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