Feeling lost after fiance left.

[tlowe]

This will probably be a long story, but I appreciate anyone that reads it and gives their insight. I've never told my whole story, and being in the position I'm in now, I think I should.

 

I met my ex when I was 18, and she was 14. She lived around the corner from me, probably 3 minutes away. We went on some platonic dates and really enjoyed spending time together. In fact, I spent most of my days over at her house while her mom was at work. After a couple months, I asked her out and it was official. I never really thought much about the age because she seemed so mature for her age because of having to deal with an alcoholic mother, and no father, and other situations that made her grow up quicker.

 

Time went by fast. We rarely argued. If we did it was over something trivial. We had a lot of things in common and just generally enjoyed each other's company. The years went by, and we stayed faithful. We looked forward to our future together. I was her first boyfriend, and she was my third girlfriend. The other 2 relationships I had only lasted a month, back in high school. Nothing too serious.

 

Soon I was 24 and she was 18. We still lived in separate houses, but we were inseparable. We finished each other's sentences. I was the happiest I'd ever been. I even got her name tattooed on me.

 

I started my career at Florida's Blood Centers, and she started at an office job. We moved into our own place, started making a decent combined salary and started living our life. I asked her to marry me in 2010, and she said yes. Shortly after, she lost her job. I made a decision to resign from FBC and go to work at my dad's construction company to earn more income to help us survive. She started cleaning on the side to earn a little bit. Eventually, the work ran out and we had to move. We lived together for a whole year.

 

We decided to move into a house with my mom and her husband, to share rent and make it a little easier. I sold my truck, and most of my possessions to have some cash for us to survive on while we looked for work. She had a car for us to use, but it was a clunker and didn't work well. We ended up living in a back room of the house. It was cramped, to say the least.

 

I found a midnight job at UPS, and started working from around 10 PM-4 AM, and she was still cleaning. We were making it, and things were looking up. She was 21 now, and I was 26. We made wedding plans and set a date for November 2013. Time went on and I believed everything was going perfectly, as it always had. I would come home and go to bed around 5 AM. She would get up around 8 AM. So we didn't really sleep together that much anymore, but I had to work. I had to do something to earn money.

 

We came home November 4, 2012 from her birthday dinner. She was 22 now. We had been having some tension with my mom because of their big dogs and us sort of being trapped in the back of the house. It's sort of a lot of explain. I ended up seeing a message from my mom to someone about "how lazy" my ex was and that I'd never be happy with her if she didn't find a job. I showed the message to my ex, and that's when this all happened.

 

She said that she just wasn't happy anymore with me and wasn't in love with me anymore. That she needed "space." Obviously this shocked me, totally. We were together at this point for almost 8 years. At first I repeatedly tried to work it out with her, only for her to say that she's been trying to work it out on her own for months. I told her, you can't work it out alone.. You have to talk to me so we can figure it out. But she was adamant. She wanted to move in with her mother, alone, without me.

 

After a few days I accepted the fact that she needed "space" and helped her move all her things into her mother's house. I had to move into my own place. I didn't eat, I lost 15 pounds, I was miserable. How could the love of my life do this to me? Times got a little rough, you know, but after everything we had been through for 8 years, all the promises.. How could she put me through this?

 

3 weeks went by, and I checked our phone bill only to see that she had been making calls up to North Carolina (We live in Florida). Several calls a day, some lasting for 2-3 hours at a time. I confronted her about it, and found out it was a guy she met on "Black Ops," a game on PS3. That they had been talking while I was working at night at UPS. That the entire time she didn't want "space," she just wanted to not be with me anymore.

 

Weeks went by, I beg and pleaded for her to have a change of heart and try to work this out with me. Her repeated response continued to be that she was unhappy, not in love anymore, and wanted to experience other things with other people. That she was too young when we got together.

 

Now, I had become a part of her family. And none of them would speak to me either anymore. I just couldn't cope anymore with the heartache, so I quit my job at UPS and I moved about an hour away to a smaller town near Daytona Beach. I needed to get away and just try and start a new life.

 

Months went by, and here and again I would contact her to tell her that I still love her and that I want to make it work, only to get no response. I would check her FB from time to time only to see that she was moving on just fine, like I never existed. Of course she wanted to remain friends, as they all do after they obliterate your heart, but I told her I just can't be friends right now, not after being hurt so much, for no good reason why.

 

It's been 4 months since this all happened. I stupidly checked her FB again only to see that she's in a relationship with this kid up in North Carolina now, that she drove up there to spend a few days with him. When I saw that, I feel like all the progress I was making was erased and I started over again. I feel like my healing wound just opened back up. Because she told me that she needed at least a year to be alone, not in a relationship with anyone, to work on herself. She cheated on me, lied to me, betrayed my trust, and left me. I know that I can't check up on her anymore because it only hurts me more and more each time I do, and who knows what I would find out next time.

 

I'm 27 now, and still living out here an hour away, trying to move forward with my life. I think about her every day still, because I put so much into our relationship over those 8 years that I feel like I don't even know myself anymore. I feel lost and hopeless, and very hurt still. I feel like for 8 years I was away and now I'm back to a world where I have no friends, no direction and I've lost the love of my life.

 

Well, if you read this far, thank you. I probably left some things out but I mostly explained it all the best I could. I appreciate any feedback I may receive.

[Chi townD]

Dude, here's the deal. When you met her, she was just a kid. Well, as we grow older we mature and what he wanted as kids isn't necessarily what we want as adults. We change. We have different needs and desires.

 

yeah, she lied to you, cheated on you and left you. But, that was her choice. Do you honestly think that her relationship is going to last with a guy she met through a frickin game?

 

If she wants to go. Let her go. (I know, not what you wanted to hear, right?) But, she left, and still wants you to be friends? You didn't get into a loving and caring relationship with her for the end result to be that you are nothing more than a really good friend to her. You need to block her on your facebook, do not respond to her texts or e-mails. Let her calls go to VM. Remember, she wanted you out of her life. She moved to get away from you. SO! She either gets 100% of you or nothing at all.

 

Now, it's time for you to make positive changes in your life. You need to get a new haircut and a new wardrobe. This will help your self esteem when people say, "DAMN!!! You look sharp!"

 

Go to College! It sounds like a lot of your problems stem from financial hardships, having a hard time surviving and providing. Go to college and work towards a CAREER rather than having a job. And I'm not telling you to go to medical school or law school. Hell, even an associates degree can produce a fat paycheck. If you get a degree in Information Technology, they pay anywhere between 50,000 and 70,000. Culinary Arts, the Casino in my city are starting Sous Chefs at 60,000 to 65,000. a two year Nursing degree will pay anywhere between 45,000 and 60,000. Nurses are a dime a dozen. But, male nurses are not. They are in HIGH demand and you can pretty much get a job anywhere. If you're worried about money to pay for this, there are a TON of scholarships and grant programs that will help you pay for it. Look into it. You get a nice job, a good career, you can afford that kick ass ride you always wanted and a nice townehome in a sweet little, quite neighorhood.

 

Start getting new hobbies, put yourself out there. Join a running club or a cycling club....you're in Florida for Pete's sakes! You live in paradise! I LOVE Florida! Take diving classes and join a scuba club! Get out there and meet new people!

 

Then, travel! Take a trip somewhere that you've always want to go to. Put a little money aside from each paycheck....save a little here and there until you have the amount you need and GO!!!! If you always dreamed of watching a Yankee's game in New York? GO!! If you ever want to go Skiing in Colorado, GO!!! Hell, easy trip for you is to go Scuba diving around Dry Tortugas in the Florida Keys, GO!!! Go have an adventure! See the world!

 

You make these positive changes in your life, you're going to be much better off than your Ex sitting next to some dude on the couch playing frickin video games? I ask you which one sounds more exciting?

[tlowe]

Thanks Chi, appreciate the response. I have been making progress out here. Making new friends and getting into new activities. It's slow-going, but that's expected. I'm just used to a routine and a certain way of life, and I know eventually that I'll move forward but I have to stop digging for information because it only hurts me more. The hardest part is that it was unexpected and from out of nowhere almost, and after that many years it's pretty devastating. It's been 4 months, and I've made some small progress, but I feel like it's going to take me quite some time to find out who I really am.

[KatZee]

I know this horrible this feels for you, and it's going to take a lot of time to get over and to move forward from here, but what she said was right. She was too young when she got with you.

 

Relationships at her age... you either grow up TOGETHER with someone, or you grow up and grow apart. In her case, she grew away from you. She's not the same person she was when you first met her and she's not the same person you knew.

 

And neither are you if you dig deep and start to find out what you like, what interests you have, what you'd like to do that you never had a chance to do... you're working with a brand new slate here. Figure out who you are. What you want from a life long partner.

 

It's crappy though. I know. To think you found the person who will be with you for your whole life. The thing is, that's pretty rare these days. You're most likely going to have another one or two people in your lifetime.

[ItxWillxGetxBetter]

Chi Town is right...you need to focus on yourself now and work on improving yourself. When you guys went out she was still young. As she gets older things will change and feelings will change. 8 years is a long time to move forward on but its doable. Trust me I know. I just exited an almost 9 year relationship and we were engaged. The hardest part of the ordeal was to make the decision to cut ties and move forward with my life. You will have to face that decision and really cut ties. That means no communication whats so ever, no facebook stalking, basically anything that has to do with her you avoid like the plague. I'm a little older than you but not by much and I was able to get through it. So will you. I know it doesnt seem like it now but it will in time if you cut ties. You are still young and are still able to make life changes. I would focus on that.

 

While you are cutting ties with her I would take a step back and take a hard look and evaluate yourself. As Chi town stated earlier a lot of your issues come for financial instability. I would change that. The way I would do it is to go through college. Get a degree and the doors will open up for you. The benefit of going through college is that you will meet new people and who knows you may find someone who you like better than your ex. The other thing you need to do is to get out of your comfort zone. Do things that you never thought you would do. Join a club etc. Just get out there.

 

Take it from me, I'm 5 months post BU from an almost 9 year relationship and Ive never been happier. I was where you were at but trust me it does get better. I'm starting to date now and I did a lot of the suggestions I gave you and I haven't looked back. You will get there but first you have to take the steps necessary to take control of your life. Good Luck.

[tlowe]

Thank you for the kind words.

 

I didn't mention that I'm a medical assistant already and that in a few days I'm taking a test to become a CNA, and I've already been offered a position. I'm going to go that route because I've been in the healthcare field for a few years now. I've been making plans on the side to go back to school this August out here.

 

I've been getting out and being social, trying my best. I felt like I needed to wait for her, because of being together for so long. I thought she was just going through a G.I.G.S. phase. Maybe she is, maybe not. I guess it doesn't matter anyway. I know I have to focus on me and move forward, just lacking some resources, and friends. I've tried to heal myself alone the past few months which I don't think was smart. Not out of self-pity, just from not really knowing anyone out here to talk to about everything. But I'm glad I found this website and that there are people that know what I'm talking about.

[cdt76]

Not to make light of the situation but dude....find a sugar momma! You are young and if you find one of those in Florida you are set!

[Sososad]

Great advice from Chi ..sounds like you've had a really tough time the

Last 8 years and maybe not the bliss your remembering

But listen you got through all that and your still standing shows

Great character.... And be grateful to she didn't do this after the marriage u

Saved for years to pay for..

Try get out there u sound like a great guy and someone would be delighted to have you...

Bet you next time it won't be such hard work !

[Chi townD]

Hey dude, being an MA is great and then a CNA is good too. It's about the same on the payscale. Just work your way up the ladder. I've been in Medicine for the last 20 years. If you're interested in nursing, dude, it pays well and male nurses get hired on immediately. But, you don't have to stop there. You could go further and become a Nurse Practitioner. They make about 80,000 up to 120,000. A lot of hospitals have tuition assistance programs where they will pay for your school, but you have to obligate 2-3 years to them to repay your education afterwards. Opportunities are there. You just have to look because no one is going to spoon feed you this stuff, you have to ask and seek it out.

 

NC is a tool to help us heal and move on. You stay NC and you will heal. But, if you do NC in conjuntion with making positive changes in your life, you heal a lot faster. One day, you'll wake up and tell yourself. My life is so much better since my Ex left. I've proven that I CAN move on, and my life is better for it. She chose to leave and now I have this great life. Unfortunately, she isn't here to share it with me, but it was her choice and her loss.

[Sososad]

So true chi

Seen Someone post on here this and I liked it

Something like this

Best form of revenge is to go on to live a happy and full life!!!!