Uh, god, no contact...:(

[CudLRoo]

Sunday, always the day where I ruminate the most. I hate Sundays.

 

Got a few messages on POF already, just been having a nice convo with a nice 34yr old girl, not being a sleaze, it's been fun. Definitely taking my mind off stuff!

 

Kind of thinking that she's a dumbo now, I seem to be going off her, though there's still some residual hurt there (going back to work's gonna be a nightmare!). If there's one thing I'm confident of, I know how to be with a woman, long-term, I'm good at it, I'm lucky enough to never get boring, I just think a more mature person understands this modus operandi more than the younger crowd. I feel like I'm hardening up a tad, to risk sounding big-headed, I'm BETTER than that, I ain't a loser, I got lots to offer, if she doesn't want that then her loss.

 

In future, might be best to take some time and pick my relationships, rather than randomly fall in love with beautiful but flawed people who might not have the content I *truly* need.

[CudLRoo]

PS: feeling a bit more FREE now. She's been a mantrap, I've been in lots of pain and immobilised for the last few weeks, please forgive the clumsy metaphor. This thread is a snapshot of a guy in denial, it's a cautionary tale!

 

Hope it doesn't bite me on the ass again later!

[CudLRoo]

So, it bit me on the ass a bit later.

 

The grief is such a slog to get through, been blubbing again, it's up there with quitting cigarettes, I am moody, irritable, seriously worried about not eating and - OBVIOUSLY - still missing her big style, it's like Tuesday all over again.

 

Looked at some old, messages on other forums from last March, some of the stuff only seems like a minute ago since I wrote it, I just can't face the prospect of losing a year to this, found myself hoping earlier that I would like to just forget this year and start next year afresh at 39, with no 38 inbetween. I know that's not gonna happen, but everything feels so negative right now, a total grind, plus I feel like I have no control right now as I feel so internally compromised.

 

Can't tell if I have a defective system but stuff like this hits me REALLY hard, plus having Tourette's doesn't help as my mind is going through parameters constantly, it's so damn hard to shut it up - when I'm happy, it cools right down but depression sets it off big style, I can only seem to get into that zone when I'm pretty untroubled else I'd consider a bit of meditation. My whole body gets possessed, it reminds me why I generally try to avoid relationships, the feelings are too intense to me.

 

Just realised what I've given up in my 'time' spent with her, my friends have fallen to the wayside...I remember going out for drinks over Xmas and in the new year with my workmates and I couldn't really socialise because she was texting and calling me all the time, in the space of a couple of months she'd sent me a thousand texts! Yeah, the attention was exhilarating, and I think I ended up erecting a shrine to her in my heart but she was more capricious than I'd bargained for. It's all gone now, and it feels like ground zero to me.

 

I know I'm nowhere near as distraught as some of you (and I am f*cking distraught!) but I read a very sad story in the 'Coping' section and it made me break down a bit at how emotional it must've been for that poster, god knows how she coped. Plenty have it much worse, and I'll keep reminding myself of that fact.

[CudLRoo]

So I simmer down once again. Another night, more NC, it's starting to seem even clearer now. Funny how the waves of hurt hit like a sinkhole, then fritter away later, it's odd, analysing how the whole physical/mental system actually works, like the delusional way I am putting myself through all this, I'm HARDER than this, I don't NEED this. Jeez, I play RUGBY (league), which is like American footie without armour!!!

 

I guess as the more the days grind on, there is a subduing effect occurring within the genes, she is still highly prevalent within my emotions and I'm certain I'll be sobbing and distraught again but one must notice the gradual improvements in mood, however minor, cos they are HAPPENING.

 

Been noticing a weird mental-emotional glitch that seems to make me feel guilty if I try to see her as less-than-ideal, this seems truly painful to a certain part of the psyche, yet the logic part is writing now. I totally put her on a pedestal once she had wooed me, yet the first thing I thought when she started being very full-on with me was "I bet she's gonna be trouble". Should've listened to the gut instinct!

[CudLRoo]

So, another bump, another paragraph or four of something approaching pure misery.

 

Feeling really withdrawn today, even pulled my pics down from POF, it just seems really scary and anxiety-inducing to me now. Might change my mind later. Feel really weak as a person, 100% the opposite of what I did a couple of months back, I just feel fake and embarrassing, seeing my photos on there and I hate myself, feel truly pathetic, and I've got this 'meat market' feel about the whole shebang, which I find depressing. Sucks when I feel like this.

 

Yeah, it's the much-vaunted March now, where we both have lots of time off work and we were supposed to have a few dates, we couldn't wait, but all that's kind of vanished now and I feel truly gutted, just off work with nothing to do and the thoughts keep going around in my head as to what I could've done differently, I should have played it more cool. Kind of feel like going into town and floating around, just in the off chance I'll maybe see her amongst the crowds of shoppers, but I just can't be bothered, and it seems a bit of a pathetic, teenage thing to do, probably just gonna wait it out and suffer in silence again. Thought of maybe hitting a bar, on my own, getting chatting to some lass, I could easily do that, pour out my sorrows and take her home...but no, just more sophistry I don't really need.

 

Not feeling grief right now, more a constant feeling of chronic dysthymia, a whirring type of constant depression that resembles nausea of the soul. It's acutely painful but it's also quite fascinating to note the many different phases of emotional torture I seem to be putting myself through

 

A friend texted me earlier, it's even weird to get texts from friends now because I concentrated all my time on her and my pals went out of the window, it's actually the first text I've received in 3/4 days. I haven't told anyone because I kind of want to keep a lid on stuff at work, a few people have suspected me and her were 'courting', but it never came out officially. I think I can trust this guy because he's a true pal, I never even thought of consulting him, so I might spill the beans later and get some of the cack off my chest.

[CudLRoo]

Gonna have to stop being in denial. I should stop smoking weed. It got me into this scheisse in the first place because I couldn't control myself, and as a 'painkiller' it sucks because it makes me more emotional and it's the type of thing that expands whatever mood one's in, so if I'm happy, that's cool, but I'm NOT, am I? All my worries/hurts/stresses are magnified. I'm so bored of it now, I can't live life thru a haze, especially in my state.

 

It's not even like I *enjoy* it now, just I bought too much a few weeks back and I've been soldiering on with it, as a routine, and especially so this last week or so because I'm on holiday from work. I've done well today, woke at around 12ish, just had my first joint now, and it was a small one (I tend to get through 5-7 big ones per day), and it's not pleasant at all, I wanna cry, I feel stressed, jittery, I'm just such a stupid guy, I keep shooting myself in the foot.

 

Got about three days worth left now, might just flush it, leave it 'til later in the year (when I'll hopefully be happy again????), or give it to my bro.

 

Funny how long it took me to admit this to myself, it's been OBVIOUS, there was always a silent figure inside that was aware but the child part of me just went on its merry way, oblivious. It's been wrecking me, and it doesn't even give me the munchies, anymore.

[dasein]

Yeah, you are self-medicating into dwelling on this with the weed. Put it down and get out and get some exercise and exposure to other stimuli... for a good long time as in months. Your emotional involvement in this situation is not warranted by what it truly was. Imagine how you are going to react if you ever get dumped by a real, official long term GF? Good luck moving past this.

[CudLRoo]

Cheers mate.

 

I hope this all doesn't come across as some sad, sob story-type soliloquy. It's just helpful for me to write my feelings down, as they come, and I can sorta reflect on things and judge exactly where I'm at.

 

I'm a frustrated writer, I'm good but I'm always *blocked*, though in the last week I feel like I've written volumes, and it proves to me that if I'm motivated enough to put in the work, then maybe I could have a better future by applying myself more to the craft.

 

In some way, I'm trying to glean something positive out of this situation, it seems such a waste to just give up.

 

So expect more drivel later.

 

PS: re: the dumping, I've never been dumped, so it's sorta new, even though technically I haven't been dumped!

[CudLRoo]

Managed to eat a semi-substantial meal just now, all of it. I wasn't expecting this considering the way I've felt all day.

 

Got to backpedal on what I posted about the weed earlier, I'm now past the crazy high phase and am instead in the 'languid, thoughtful' phase, and somehow I feel like some barrier's sort of come down, I look back on today and see me still maudlin but my thoughts have been much less macabre and I've only cracked out one sob-session, and that was mercifully brief. Still gonna quit the weed, my body doesn't like the smoke, especially my bladder, and as it keeps me smoking tobacco, too, then that's a lot of hot smoke entering my body, especially considering I seem to be having three cigs per hour at the moment, almost chain-smoking. Not good, it's debilitating enough in this state but add on bladder/prostate troubles and it's a recipe for suicide (I had the latter in 2011 and it was a living hell).

 

In regards to her, I'm paying less attention to my phone now, *still* sort of hoping that she'll get back to me (I doubt that). I hope I'm not speaking too soon but I have definitely felt more composed during parts of the day. I feel embarrassed enough now, think I just want to speak with her in a professional capacity one last time and organise the awkwardness we'll inevitably have together at work, I might just tell her that as/if I'm friendzoned I'll get a transfer to another department, do NOT want to see her around cos it'll be total agony for me. I'd prefer there to be a fracture point where I know I can move on.

 

It's weird, I KNOW I'll see her at work, but I'd rather sort this ish before I go back, to save myself some face. Ring us, ffs!

[CudLRoo]

Ah, people, IMPROVEMENT?

 

Don't know if it's the food I ate, don't know if it's just time, I've actually felt at least 35% better today.

 

Have to reveal a secret, I left the flat for a bit, I've been staying at my mum's the last few nights, I've been a BABY(!)

 

Gawd, even with cataracts, she can't wait to feed me up and look after me, lol! It's a bit sad, 'cos I was appallingly moody with her yesterday, and I feel so bad about it but it seems to be like water off a duck's back with her, what an adolescent twunt I can be when I'm moody. (at myself)

 

Tonite, I've been MUCH better, I've actually been joking about and been my usual 'jokey' self (I have a weird, spontaneous, Tourette's-style random humour), so we've had a big laugh and I'm feeling loads better, and I told her about the past 14/15 months, I've actually had no one to talk to, bar this forum(!)

 

I just laid it straight down and told her EVERY detail (much more than I've said on here) and she agreed that she'd been leading me on massively but didn't want me to get with her for fear we might get attacked by racists (bless, she's a total hypochondriac).

 

Granted, I still can't get this girl out of my head, but I'm seeing my VALUE again, as a person, I guess I'm quite a lucky guy, and I'm actually great with more mature people, I've been very unwise and selling myself short, women are beautiful at all ages, and I never date girls that young, anyway, I generally go for people who have lived some of their life. I still WOULD, though, I'm still a foolish twunt, don't think by any means I'm out of the woods yet.

 

What's also been an absolute revelation has been the fact my 'ear' for music has come back, maybe 60%, but it's THERE. I haven't listened to music for at least a month but some of the stuff I've been listening to has been giving me the shivers again, and that's a great sign.

 

I'm gonna sign out tonite on purely a positive note, and not say anything else.

[CudLRoo]

Holy craps, I thought I was getting BETTER.

 

Been feeling pretty much certain that 'it' is over (how hard to type those words!), knowing how she used to be, I'm pretty sure she'd have got back to me by now, if she ever really bothered to begin with, maybe I was just a plush plaything after all, my ex used to call me ''cuddle roo" so I guess I must have that sort of thing goin' on, somewhat appropriately.

 

I keep on replaying events in my mind, and as I'm in 'no self-worth mode', it's all from the negative. I'm seeing myself as a sad creep who escalated WAY too quickly with a hurt, confused and vulnerable girl, and this scared her off, I feel so foolish to have made such an error, and to have embarrassed both of us totally. I will likely be permanently thought of in this way, I broke everything myself and now I have nothing but an abyss where something ace once was, it's a multiple whammy.

 

To counteract the negativity somewhat, I was NEVER horrible to her, never pawed her, always kind to her and carried only the best intentions, I care about the lass, like I said, I want(ed) to protect her and - YES - she's sexy as hell and of course I wanted to go there some time but that wasn't my prime aim, I always end up with lasses who are friends, ones whom I REALLY get on well with, who I buzz with, and I can wait as long as they want if they want to do that. Anyways, it was more about me wanting to spend time with her cos I like her as a person, just wanted to see where the spark led.

 

I f*cked up the bff dynamic when I should have used my brain instead of my heart and I'm shocked at how love/infatuation/whatever it was can just blast scenarios apart - it's not just the aftermath of my rejected feelings for her and the pain it's caused, I also have to deal with her being around at work and my usual cheery self being replaced by a miserable, pissed-off guy, I wouldn't know how to explain it to people, they'd probably guess, I'm a happy, humorous guy who likes his job and gets on with everyone, I can't fake being happy, I have a crap poker face. I'll also have to see her with other guys, it's inevitable, she's *beautiful* and there are a lot of predators about. Typing all this really hurts but somehow I need to solidify it and be able to read my words back to myself at any given point.

 

It's gonna be a HUGE aftermath for me that's littered my road with a massive amount of obstacles. Like the work thing, I *could* get a transfer but I've been there seven years and she's only been there less than two. But if it makes it easier, I guess.... All because I said one silly thing.

 

The biggest kicker is the inspiration that came in her wake. I said in a previous post that I want to write but I always get blocked, probably because I think too much and let life get on top of me. In that few months we were close, I wrote five and a half chapters of a book and took up painting again, it was great, I felt ALIVE, she was a fantastic muse. That brief bit of jazz just got snuffed out like that, and not only do I probably not have a chance with her anymore, I'm back to being blocked again, even moreso than before.

 

It's hard, this dawning realisation, I don't want it to be that way but it seems it really is.

 

Soz guys, this is the dull pal droning about his ex in the pub, I'm sure I'll be a little cheerier sometime in the future, and will probably end up laughing about all this cack.

Edited March 5, 2013 by CudLRoo

[CudLRoo]

Well, one more sad night eventually engulfed by ambivalence. Got less than five hours sleep but didn't awake feeling like death warmed up. Oddly enough, I feel slightly cheesed-off inside, not majorly angry, just kind of sick and tired of her and events and my own stupid heart/mind dynamic. Can't believe the strain I've been under, most/all of it self-inflicted, been in a right state. Must learn to handle things better, I should've taken more precautions.

 

Anyway, this *feels* a bit like a breaking point is approaching, my heart feels more dried-out now than aching or sicky.

 

Decided to get a bit proactive, finally took the bull by the horns, was chatting with a girl in her early 30s on OLD, she just sent me a message saying she wants to go on a date next week, she *seems* quite together. First time I've done anything like this and I'm pretty anxy about it but at least it gives me a target, rather than me floating about pointlessly, foetus-like, in this void.

 

Not quite sure how to play it, if she doesn't flake on me. Not sure I really wanna be doing OLD but I'm seeing it more as a route to escape the tunnel vision mindset that's had me floored the last few months, I'm not out to exploit anyone, just maybe BREATHE a bit and get a few more options to ease the inevitable outcome. I don't wanna lead her on, and I think it's her first date on there, too, it'll hopefully just be a fun afternoon spent having a laugh, nothing more for now.

 

The work thing was worrying me but like I said before, we're both people who don't like gossip, only a few people 'suspected', I might just try not hanging about near her at all because I'll HAVE to be in the area where she works at a few points during the day. Don't know if it'll work, how painful it might be, I'm just planning on being pleasant but a bit cold if she talks to me but I know she'll wanna look me in the eyes in THAT way, she knows how bad it gets me, and she HATES me ignoring her when I'm there in person, so that might nark her a bit.

 

I aren't chasing her, I'm just gonna sit back and see if she tries to mess me about again, and just analyse the behaviour patterns because I'm very wary now, almost to the point where I sort of look down on her methods, in fact she's pissed me off so damned much, to be brutally honest. Maybe she got a new guy in the hiatus, another rapey predator, someone who'll hurt her and set her back months again, someone lesser than me, someone she'll want to unload about upon me at some point? Who knows WHAT I'd be like then, suckah...

 

Need to PROTECT my exquisite machinery from now on, cos no-one else will.

Edited March 6, 2013 by CudLRoo

[CudLRoo]

Damn, he's back again, Mr Self-Indulgent.

 

I'll once again state that is here more to clear my own thoughts and feelings out onto paper, and provide future reference should I ever get into situations like this again, which I probably will, I tend to do this with all of my (potential) partners, I fall in love HARD, this is the first time it hasn't quite worked out for me, and I guess I never saw that coming because I always thought I was a 'natural' with women and my ego could never entertain the notion I was maybe WRONG, nosiree!

 

Been reading up a lot of stuff on matters like this over the last 12 hours, a lot of it very useful indeed, love is a great n' crazy motivator for me and I will stop at nothing to get what I want (ie. within the 'rules', I ain't a stalker or anything like that), my mind becomes very wily and sly and I hatch all kinds of plans to charm/woo/approach her in the most coincidental, natural way possible, yet it's all orchestrated, usually. I can use The Game a little bit.

 

So, yeah, my appetite came back a LOT over the last 13 hours, ate a HUGE meal and have had a couple of bananas, no nausea. Mood's definitely lifted, still empty and sorta sad but no tears today. Actually found myself humming music at points, that's a first.

 

Anyway, I know I've been a bit in-denial about it but I've DEFINITELY been poppin' her on that ol' pedestal. I tended to gloss over her less-compatible points, I finally realised (though always knew, really). You see, I still think she's amazing. And a part of me will likely think that for many years to come. But the other part, the guy who suffered for four weeks and didn't eat for DAYS and shook and worried and WAITED so long for a text or call that never came. He sorta wants rid, and is pretty pissed at her for messing him around.

 

I've tried to split her down into pros and cons, to make the decision easier for myself:

 

Pros. Obviously, her beauty, first and foremost, and the fact I care about her, before I started having feelings, she got really ill. She finds me attractive. Chemistry, we 'buzz' majorly. Proximity. Finances. She's solvent and got savings, as am/have I, we've kind of discussed things like this a lot, her last bf was a money-grubber who wanted her to buy gifts for him all the time and never paid. We sort of decided at one point it might have been good to get a flat together but I messed it up before we could discuss that further. Mentioned that she wanted to get married and have kids, it could have been a passing saying but I was slightly taken aback, I've been getting those feelings recently. She's a hard worker, I'm a hard worker. She's very intelligent, if a tad immature at points. Me too, I guess.

 

Cons. She's had one longterm bf, the big relationship that left her reeling, one over the course of a week (who ended up trying to force himself on her, so she split), another one-night guy who tried it, she had to call the cops. Why would she come out with this to me? Mixed signals, seems to like arseholes but likes to hold the thought of me there as a potential 'rescuer' after she's been treated like dirt a few more times. BIG con. She's YOUNG. She has all the gadgets, always on 'apps', I have a cheap pre-pay phone with a battery that lasts a lifetime. She's NAIVE, she believes the government are on our side (actually, that could be a pro, I excel at being the teacher...) I don't know, she seems maybe a bit FICKLE, I hate that trait. She keeps opening and closing her heart to me, sometimes expressing feelings, others closing up like she had a heart of wood. She's been more 'woody' recently, a SIGN. Not only that, I might look pretty young now but in 5 years time, I might be old and grey and she'll still be a stunna, and it'll just make me all paranoid and her wonder why she's not done better. What if she just keeps on stringing me along? Different tastes in music, there's a bad one. Can't tell if she cares about me enough the way I do her (yeah, know how pathetic that made me sound!)

 

I'm thinking the cons outweigh the pros. I have to tell myself that, and keep on telling it.

 

I mean, like I said there's a very mischievous part of me that ALWAYS wants to do the opposite, and in love it reigns supreme, causes so much f*cking chaos. He's saying "Right, OK, we know you've got your head around it now, but MAYBE, you know?" and, yes, we shall have to see, but in my mind I have to see this as 'over' because why put myself through all that for a person who might not even TRULY bother about me and is just stringing me along, and I as a result end up in emotional limbo? A month of hell for a few months worth of joy? I add up the many hours of joy we shared against the days of pain I just went through, it's not a good deal.

 

So, yeah, maybe I should wait a tad and see whatever else moseys along.

Edited March 7, 2013 by CudLRoo

[gaius]

Some women get off on a guy not being that into them. At least now you can relate to what a lot of women go through. Pursued heavily, then dumped for no apparent reason once you start getting into it.

[CudLRoo]

^Yeah, man, sucks.

 

But, still, can't complain, nerves have been SHOT, shaky, the finality is helping.

 

PS: Yeah, I'm a bit womanly I guess, I'm pretty emotional, draws some in, others...!

[CudLRoo]

Some kind of 'end' seems in sight. Treated myself to the last of my ganja and a big glass of sugary Pepsi (damn that aspartame diet crap!) feel in relatively high spirits compared to how the last four weeks have felt, especially about 12 days ago when I was truly goin' off the deep end.

 

Venting here has helped me HUGELY. In the space of a week of posting, my mood has turned around so much. The appetite thing in particular, that was scary, I just got up and had two lots of egg on toast and ate it quickly, like a dog, I'm OK with food again, can't believe I went THREE WEEKS like that, it's mental!

 

Been talking to a girl on OLD for the last few days and have really hit it off, she's *obviously* not as beautiful as Her but seems a wee bit sexier, a bit plumper (I like the fuller figure), I originally contacted her because she seemed forthright and down to earth, nice, a real woman who's lived life a bit, one who put down was seeking a relationship rather than a fling. I thought I could maybe just date benignly, see if I could get my confidence back and hopefully charm a girl and make her laugh, just have a fun day.

 

Anyhoo, gave her a massive array of dates to pick from, in the end she invites me on an overnight stay somewhere(!), even says she'll pay (I say NO, I will). Don't know, maybe I'm a little scared, she seems like she might be a little 'wild', she reminds me of a model called 'Dors Feline', curvy and with lots of tats, which is goooooooooood, so good, all I'm wary of is meeting a nutjob, don't wanna be cyberstalked, especially as it's the first time I've ever done anything like this! Wow, scary but sort of exciting at the same time. Maybe this is what I need right now.

 

As for the object of all my affection for the last few months, she seems more distant now, smaller, in my mind I feel like I am seeing her from a balloon, which is slowly drifting upward and away from her. I find this a bit sad but infinitely preferable to the month of torture I've been putting me through. She really doesn't know what she could have had with me, and will never miss me like all my exes still do. That's sad to me, it stings a little bit inside when I think it, though it may just be my ego speaking. All my relationships still feel special to me, in retrospect, 'cos they actually were for the majority of the time. Ah, well. It's all daydreaming, innit?

 

I'm still worried about work because she'll never stop being gorgeous to me, she is the most beautiful woman I have ever seen in my life. And we can't not get on, we can't help but click, even when we fell out we were professional about it, we were still warm, we just got on with stuff. This love/crush thing is odd, it manifests like a huge, internal parasite, the warmth of the love is in the body/stomach, and its head part is the pain you feel, I feel like I've severed the head (apologies if I'm sounding way too abstract here, I know what I mean!) so the lovey stuff for her is still inside, might be there a loooooong time, but the part that can make me suffer is gone, at least for now.

 

My main worry is if the head grows back after I go back to the work and see her around. I've got a feeling she might hover near me, I *know* how she is when she hasn't seen me for a long time. She likes seeing me, she finds my body language around others interesting and amusing to watch (weird, I know, she used to tell me this all the time) I CAN'T be off with people, I'm not really that angry with her, more with my own stoopid foolishness, I'm just gonna try and stay away from where she is, yet I'll also admit I hope this pisses her off a tad. Man, she's so niiiiiice, it's gonna be really difficult not to look at her when she doesn't notice or return the looks of those stunning eyes when she does. Who knows, who knows?

 

I actually feel pretty aloof about things right now, like the place where the pain was now has sinews all around it, it's become more muscular. Maybe the prospect of rolling around with a sexy babe who digs me and actually TELLS me might be preferable for now - remember, a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush, or in my case, ninety-seven in the bush.

 

Sometimes in life, I tend to think I merit things I occasionally WANT! because I put so much effort into work and other people, people disclose a lot to me, and I don't get annoyed, I seem naturally attuned to this. So, I think, "I cannot believe this is happening, behold a gift from the gods!!!", a REWARD to me, how lucky am I, the nice guy CAN win? I ran away with that ideal and ended up trashing something that *seemed* to be love at the time, but was a love based more on beauty and fantasy than of content. It also acts as a toughening-up lesson, and I'm appreciating it for that, might as well take some value away from the experience.

 

I once again realise that life is supposed to be difficult, the best things usually don't come easy, and if you come across someone nice (in both senses, if you'd like), then you better appreciate it rather than denigrate it, because life doesn't offer gifts often.

 

I got caught in quicksand, I'm kinda wishing she had never given me her number, and I don't even expect her to get in touch anymore, in fact, I'm about 98% past caring now (though, like I said in a previous part, there's that little Tourette's guy inside me, he'll never stop yammering on.)

 

So, that's where I'm at now. By next week - and to quote 'Finchy' from the UK version of The Office - I may very well be "up to me nuts in guts". After a 23-month sexual hiatus! Who'da thunk it?

 

What a voyage for me, a strange saga. Seems I should lay off this thread now unless She returns in some huge way to my life. Maybe I'll post back when I go back to work, I found out yesterday that I'm also off all next week, so there's a nice bit more distance from Her right there, and this time the space seems very welcome, now I'm not stressed, I'm coping.

 

Toodle pip for now, and thanks, guys!

Edited March 8, 2013 by CudLRoo