DarknessFalls Posted March 1, 2013 Posted March 1, 2013 I am thoroughly confused. My wife has decided to sleep on the couch, remove her wedding bands, stopped saying I love you and stopped kissing me. She would kiss and say I love you if I did it first only however. So I stopped doing it as well, after a couple of weeks of trying, because it was pretty-much one-sided. Soon after she started referencing the bedroom as my room, not our room. Now she is sorting old boxes and talking about divorce and divorce papers. She's gone as far as saying she would move to her parents house and not take the house or the kids. Then out of nowhere she is being nice, happy and wearing her wedding bands again. She went as far as to replace a broken champagne glass from a couples set we had. Why?!?! I have had a month and a half to adjust to the idea of divorce and have been civil about it all. Now I have no idea what's going on, and I can't take the stress of it all without falling into depression. Help!
TailSpin75 Posted March 1, 2013 Posted March 1, 2013 Hello Darkness - I am sorry to hear of the situation you are in. I find myself moving through a divorce now (about 3 months since she told me it was the 'right choice for her'). We too had a period that's not unlike the one that you're in now - no firm declaration, a state of limbo from our perspective, and probably an anxiety you perpetually feel in regards to your situation. I'm one who prefers to share my thoughts and experiences rather than give out right suggestions for what to do. I respect that everyone's situation and 'story' is unique and recall from my own experience that I was reluctant to take what I knew was reasonable sound advice at the time and run with it. I had battled with what my mind recognized and drew conclusions about and what my heart was desperate for. (A struggle I continue to wrestle with today). I did not want a divorce and took action that others in my life felt came a too high a cost to me. I was told to take time and space away from her - that I was too close to the situation and was unable to gain a true perspective. In hindsight, I see the value of that suggestion. But in those moments - fighting for my marriage (rather than taking space) seemed a more appropriate call. I'm in a position now of moving forward - and I take comfort in knowing I did all I could to save my marriage. Had I acted differently - I may be wondering 'what if' today. From my perspective - there's clearly a concern you have about how invested or present she is in your marriage. You may question what value it has to her - it seems to still have great value to you. Are you able to discuss with her the concerns she has? Have you approached the idea of couples counselling with her? I learned from my experience - that these are not things that just pass (not matter how much I thought I could wait it out).
Author DarknessFalls Posted March 1, 2013 Author Posted March 1, 2013 We have been aware of problems throughout our entire marriage it seems, and have tried dealing with the issues internally. I asked for marriage counseling and she has always refused to try it. I am now ready to let go in my heart and soul, no matter how hard it will be. I do still love her and want her in the kids lives. However I am in limbo because of her most recent actions. I question whether she is realizing that she may not want a divorce now, or if she's just testing me to see how I'll react. She has always played little mind games over the years that she calls "tests". I'm not willing to continue on like this, so as much as I care about our marriage, I don't want to be miserable forever. I deserve to be happy again. 2
KraftDinner Posted March 1, 2013 Posted March 1, 2013 I'm not sure if I should even state the obvious, but here it is: Your wife met someone else...and then it didn't work out. 3
Author DarknessFalls Posted March 1, 2013 Author Posted March 1, 2013 I've considered the obvious. I'm not sure about that being a possibility with her, but I'm open-minded enough not to discount anything. I feel part of it is because she relies on me financially, and is afraid to go out on her own. Ive been the main provider from the beginning, with her going in and out of the work force sporadically over the years. She currently doesn't work, hence why she will consider moving in with her parents so easily. She also has debt that she would be primarily responsible for on her own.
TailSpin75 Posted March 1, 2013 Posted March 1, 2013 I fully agree that you deserve to be happy. At the same time you seem reluctant to commit to a direction - work to save it or walk away from it, which I completely understand and has proven to be a completely normal reaction to your given situation. It does however beg the question of... now what? The number one thing that I have learned of myself and my situation is that I am most upset that she is not who I want her to me. It's humbling because this is my problem. It takes time for true emotional acceptance but my mind knows right away what's happening. You already know that it take two, who are both willing to put in the effort, to make things work. I suspect that you're still willing to put in the effort - but you're not willing to be the only that wants it to work. From where I sit looking at what you've shared - I'd question if she can commit to working on the marriage (not just sometimes) or determine if she does need time and space to consider (which is going to require an enormous sacrifice on your part because being in limbo is agonizing). The tough questions are if you're willing to wait, to give space at a cost to your 'self' or are you convinced that she can put in the effort and the commitment to do her part. Time and space will no doubt benefit you. I knew I would never have given up on my marriage - it just the way I am. I sat in limbo for 2.5 months and it was absolutely horrible for me. But I put myself in a position where I knew I would not walk away but that left me at her mercy to make a decision that I was waiting for. Time and space will help you to 'see' better what you want and are willing to do.
Author DarknessFalls Posted March 1, 2013 Author Posted March 1, 2013 Ever since she mentioned divorce, I have made it a point to create space, albeit while under the same roof. I am not convinced she will do what it takes to save the marriage, so I want to move forward with the divorce. I however feel bad if she is struggling with her decision to divorce, and tend to be more quiet about my feelings, because I don't want her to feel bad. I know it's stupid.
carhill Posted March 1, 2013 Posted March 1, 2013 Having gone through it, my advice would be to file on Monday and have her served. Teeth in words. That way you get motions in front of the court which protect your interests, which I can assure she cares not one whit about right now. It takes proactive action to prosecute a lawsuit, and the court can be petitioned at any time up to final dissolution to drop it. So, lots of time for achieving synergy on a different path than divorce. Live in the now. All signs point to dissolution. Accept the real, for today. Good luck. 7
TailSpin75 Posted March 1, 2013 Posted March 1, 2013 If your preference is to move forward with the divorce then it seems that that would be the appropriate action to take. In the perfect world you'd both agree on that decision - but in the real world that is seldom the case. I don't think your though process is 'stupid' - seems to come from someone who cares about her, but the nature of divorce tends to be destructive. The longer the state of limbo - the longer the torture persists... 1
carhill Posted March 1, 2013 Posted March 1, 2013 Oh, OP, forgot to add, in response to your description of her behaviors and sudden changes, IME such swings result from a clandestine affair/tryst/interest gone awry. Hard to imagine the woman you love doing something like that but women are just as capable of and out doing such things as men are. Also, adjunct to your filing, IMO communicate to her that mediation and MC are on the table, should she wish to 'work on the marriage' or 'dissolve the marriage amicably'. Be assertive and take the high road with a PlanB for the rest. 5
Author DarknessFalls Posted March 1, 2013 Author Posted March 1, 2013 (edited) Thanks all for the input everyone, I'm taking it all in as we go. I'm happy to see all of the support and hear all of the opinions. Thanks for that. Special thanks to KraftDinner for speaking too, as it is good to hear from both sexes in this matter. So if you are also a female reading this thread, please feel free to add your opinions and insights as well. I'm open to everything. Edited March 1, 2013 by DarknessFalls 1
Author DarknessFalls Posted March 1, 2013 Author Posted March 1, 2013 I think maybe this weekend might be a good time to have a serious talk with her, and just get it all out on the table. Maybe that'll help clear up some of the gray areas and make things clearer. Maybe she thinks I'm not willing to divorce her since I have not taken the first "real" step in doing so. I don't want to mislead her into thinking that I'm okay with this marriage anymore, or that I am planning on saving it. Thoughts anyone??
Yasuandio Posted March 1, 2013 Posted March 1, 2013 Sit her down for a serious talk. Let her know you know something is not on the up and up. She needs to come clean with everything right NOW. Keep a serious look on your face "as if" you have a ton of evidence ("on who know what" - keep it a mystery) - and don't say another word other than that. Look her straight in the eye. If she denys, denys, denys, just keep listening to the protests. Take note how long the protests go on. Don't say anything. Mum's the word. Just say, "as you wish," or it's your choice." Then drop the rope - and let it go - walk away, say you're going out, then go out for a drink, or something like that - that's out of character. You want booze on your breath when you get home. Keep quiet - life as normal - but keep a low profile - and stay very quiet, pleasant, nice, happy talk - but not especially forthcoming. Take note of her bringing up the subject again, and any protests. The more she brings it up or denys, the more likely there is something to hide. And also, remember, all you are saying is "something is not on the up and up." So also take note of "what department" she starts denying there is a problem in. And always, nice talk, happy talk. The only serious talk will be the first one.
Author DarknessFalls Posted March 1, 2013 Author Posted March 1, 2013 Thanks Yas. I have been acting as you mentioned in your last paragraph....for the most part. I think I will try to have that talk, and will take your advice on how to approach it. Although I may need to ad lib here and there.
Yasuandio Posted March 1, 2013 Posted March 1, 2013 Thanks Yas. I have been acting as you mentioned in your last paragraph....for the most part. I think I will try to have that talk, and will take your advice on how to approach it. Although I may need to ad lib here and there. It is a technique I used with a pathilogical liar. Of course, adjust and make it yours.
Author DarknessFalls Posted March 1, 2013 Author Posted March 1, 2013 Sorry to hear it Yas. I hope you've moved on.
Oberfeldwebel Posted March 1, 2013 Posted March 1, 2013 I am going to offer a little bit different perspective, but it may be tough for you to do. I recommend that you say nothing to her, don't be mean, but don't have the big conversation either. I would go out and get a couple VAR's one for the house and one for her car. Go look at phone records and see if there is anything there (numbers you don't know or high usage you can't explain). Set up an appointment for an attorney for next week to determine your legal rights. Think about how you would want to set up visitation and other custody issues. Look at bank statements and figure out division of assets. Next take the kids to the Zoo or something else age appropriate that they would like and have a good time with them this weekend. Think about other activities they would like on your time with them and plan choirs for time they would be with there mother. After you have all your thoughts and information together, plan a night to sit down with her and discuss the situation. IF there is someone it should show up. The bottom line is you want to have the discussion when you are prepared and one step ahead of her all the way.
Author DarknessFalls Posted March 2, 2013 Author Posted March 2, 2013 So many angles to look at here. And many things I would never have thought of.
standtall Posted March 2, 2013 Posted March 2, 2013 I've considered the obvious. I'm not sure about that being a possibility with her, but I'm open-minded enough not to discount anything. I feel part of it is because she relies on me financially, and is afraid to go out on her own. Ive been the main provider from the beginning, with her going in and out of the work force sporadically over the years. She currently doesn't work, hence why she will consider moving in with her parents so easily. She also has debt that she would be primarily responsible for on her own. Darkness..married women with minor children, no job, and nothing but debt do not typically divorce unless. 1. Drug/alcohol abuse by you or her. 2. Mental illness..you or her 3. Physical/emotional abuse by you. 4. Third party involvement with you or her. This list aint absolute, but covers the vast majority. Pick your poison.
Author DarknessFalls Posted March 2, 2013 Author Posted March 2, 2013 Standtall: my wife and i both know the reasons for the divorce. My original question was "why the flip-flip after talking about divorce?" It's playing with my head. I want to know why, and I'm sure she won't tell me if I asked. So I need input and insight on what she's going through to help figure this out.
TobyBoy Posted March 2, 2013 Posted March 2, 2013 Has she done any of the following: 1. Hides her phone, never leaves her side, password protected, always texting. 2. Blocked you from her FB. Change her email passwords. 3. Unexplained time away from the house. 4. New wardrobe, friends. 5. Refuses to let her see her change clothes, shower, naked. 6. Distant herself from family, friends of the marriage. If yes to any of these......you have a third party in the marriage. Check your cell phone records online. That's where I would start first.
Woggle Posted March 2, 2013 Posted March 2, 2013 It's because you seem comfortable with the idea of divorcing her and she knows it. The one and only thing that truly can save a guy like you in this type of situation is when she sees that you are capable of being happy without her. 1
Author DarknessFalls Posted March 2, 2013 Author Posted March 2, 2013 @ TobyBoy 1-yes always on her. Always FB-ing idk if its pw protected 2-no/she changes them occasionally 3-no not unexplained 4-no/yes (FB) 5-yes avoids it 6-yes until recently @ Woggle Yeah, I was thinking that too
TobyBoy Posted March 2, 2013 Posted March 2, 2013 Like I said, see who's she's texting so much. Get into her phone!! If you really want to know...
standtall Posted March 3, 2013 Posted March 3, 2013 Standtall: my wife and i both know the reasons for the divorce. My original question was "why the flip-flip after talking about divorce?" Well Darkness, it is kinda hard to give an opinion about why she is flip flopping if you don't explain why you're getting divorce in the first place...don't you think? Okay..I'll side with the poster that said she meant someone else and it didn't work out. You're the backup plan.
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