HighbrowHobo Posted March 1, 2013 Posted March 1, 2013 (edited) I've read through a lot of the forums on reasons why a dumper wants to get back with an ex, but I feel like my situation is a rather special case (maybe I'm just full of it, ha ha) and would like to ask for advice. I've known my girlfriend for more than three years now. We met in high school, but she graduated four months after and went to California for school. The first year of our relationship was long distance. During that time, I visited her twice and we made constant efforts to stay in contact. She only stayed in California for one year, but when she returned it was my turn to leave for college down state. I ended things (this is now 14 months after we started dating) because I was going to school and was uncertain if I could be happier with someone else. Our relationship had a lot of problems - I had this made up expectations of what I thought she would be like and our relationship would be like when she returned that made me very unhappy - but the breakup was hard. We stayed apart for over a year, but managed to keep talking everyday. During that time, I got together with one girl for only a week, but felt so guilty (because my ex was in my life) that I ended things. I realized that I hadn't let go of my ex and decided we should try again. She was reluctant to take me back but finally did. And we were happily together for another year until last month. Me again. My only understanding of why I ended things this time around is a lack of happiness. I am in love with her, no doubt about it. But she can't come visit me (she has strict Asian parents, and I'm only a two hour bus ride away), and we both are caught up with work and school so talking is a major hassle. To emphasize the strict Asian parent factor, she skipped getting a birthday gift for me two years in a row because her parents watch her bank account (personally, it still bothers me to this day). All in all, I felt like I was putting in much more than she would (or was able to). It didn't help that I know a lot of women here, and am able to interact with them, whereas it's always a hassle to talk to my ex. There's also heavy jealousy on both ends. Essentially our relationship leads to a lot of negative association in my head. After breaking up with her a second time, I demanded we do NC to figure ourselves (myself) out. But, unlike our first breakup, this time I didn't want to move on. I broke NC several times, each time because I got wrapped up in thoughts of how I didn't want to meet anyone new or have her forget about me. She's not willing to take me back right now, but I'm almost certain she will because (even though her actions don't show it) she is wildly in love with me also (take my word for it). I mean, she's still willing to talk even after I broke up with her TWICE - that says a lot. I don't want to play games with her. I just want to figure out what I want. I came on here to ask how the heck you find the line between being in love with someone and being comfortable with them. All my friends say that I will never really heal and will always have doubts about my relationship because I can't move on. And the reason I can't move on is because I don't want to. I want to keep her in my life and keep her love because I truly cherish it. And I want to keep loving her back. I thought that was enough to define love, but maybe that's just my fear of not having her in my life anymore? I have all these ideas about how we can make things work, but am I only kidding myself? It seems I am playing tug of war between logic and emotion. To add in some extra info, I can totally see myself marrying this woman and living my life with her. I guess I just want to be happy now and am sick of waiting for what I hope will be a better time. A year from now, I will be leaving the state to go to grad school, so the long distance thing is only going to get harder. But she plans on moving out with me when she finishes her schooling. Edited March 1, 2013 by HighbrowHobo
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