youaremysunshine Posted March 1, 2013 Posted March 1, 2013 Sleeping over I've been dating a guy for about two months. We started sleeping together about two and a half weeks ago. I'm 23, he's 21. This is his first relationship. The first two times we had sex we slept together (once at his place, once at mine) but since then he's not wanted to. He says he sleeps better alone. That makes things difficult because we live on opposite ends of town and it's freazing cold. He also works 7 days a week 10 to 6. He feels 10 is early and wants a full sleep, in bed by 12. I'm used to staying up late and working early and need less sleep. With my work, we ussualy don't meet up until 9 so it feels like a short time together. Once we had sex and he asked me not to stay, sheepishly saying he's glad that he can be honest with me. Other times he's walked me home and then not come in. A few times, we were drinking and I would try to tempt him to come in for sex and he would say no. This makes me feel very clingy and unattrative. It happened last night and I feel like a fool. I also really enjoy sleeping beside someone I care about and waking up next to them. Both times we slept together we had some lovely morning sex. ARHG it's just annoying and makes me feel like he's not that into me. When I like someone, they make me want to say f#% it and stay up way to late, consequences be damned. What do you guys think?
Author youaremysunshine Posted March 1, 2013 Author Posted March 1, 2013 Oh and the kicker is HE snores!
Author youaremysunshine Posted March 1, 2013 Author Posted March 1, 2013 I forgot to mention the worst part. Last night he didn't even kiss me!
Toddbt12y1 Posted March 1, 2013 Posted March 1, 2013 Damn. Already nitpicking him. A relationship based around sex...failure coming. Maybe he is being polite? Or something else..
candie13 Posted March 1, 2013 Posted March 1, 2013 Men are a lot more honest about what they like and not like. And about what type of efforts they are willing to make... or not. And how often. Oh, and they are honest as opposed to altruistic. So if they can get away with keeping life simple, they most likely shall. You cannot make him want to sleep near you, if he's used to sleeping alone, sorry, girl. But, putting you at the door isn't that cool either. You need to find a middle ground and since you've been giving in more (it looks like you go to see him more than he comes to see you), you'll have to stand your ground. Seek a compromise and stop bribing. A relationship is based on both parties getting their way. So if your current arrangement doesn't work for you, say it to him. Solution: - see him twice per week, once he comes to your place, once you go to his place. - and once every other week, he goes to sleep at... 1, instead of 12. Talk and seek common ground, whatever that common ground may by. Yes, that kills the spontaneity and the romance, but relationships need some work to function... some planning / anticipation may be required. And don't try to manipulate him, you're shooting yourself in the foot, here.
meeji Posted March 1, 2013 Posted March 1, 2013 This is starting to sound less like a relationship and more like a friend a with benefits .... I would tell him how you feel and if he isn't understanding or willing to adapt then drop him. You guys might be looking for different things
Author youaremysunshine Posted March 1, 2013 Author Posted March 1, 2013 Well, I don't complain about this to him. I'd hate to make him uncomfortable. I wouldn't say are relationship is based on sex, we waited two months. I'm just passionate and desirous of him. I also like to be held. Maybe he isn't as mad about me as I am him and he's just being polite. P.s I think the snoring is cute
candie13 Posted March 1, 2013 Posted March 1, 2013 you are passionate... is he? you go to his place, does he come to yours? if the answer is no, than you should ask him to. It's not about "being polite". it is bloody cold outside and crossing the city around midnight, as a young woman, is not my best idea of fun activity. if you want for this thing to develop into something that brings you joy, learn to accept your needs and... open your mouth. Ask for things. If he says no, well, then, that is an entirely different matter. I mean, if you're venting about "my bf doesn't want to hold me"... you need time for him to get used to sleeping near you - if that ever happens. But if you're here to say "I'm the only one going to see him" that's an entirely different matter. Not that you should be counting, but your "thing/relationship" should ask both of you an equal amount of effort as opposed to pleasure. I see how you do your part... he should do his too, to keep it fair and satisfying, on the long term
Author youaremysunshine Posted March 1, 2013 Author Posted March 1, 2013 I would hate to think we are just friends with benefits because we go out all the time and hardly have sex. We ussualy meet somewhere and I try to lure him back to my place. It's not that he doesn't want to come inside, he'll go through this whole should I? Shouldn't I? Thing, before saying god damnit and forcing me in the door. He even text me saying he regrets not coming in. He's just really hung up on getting 8 hours of sleep
candie13 Posted March 1, 2013 Posted March 1, 2013 give him space. LEt him reach that decision himself. If you keep "luring" him in, he'll only feel regretful of his lack of sleep. LEt him have his sleep (and less of you) so that he misses you. If he's smart, he'll start preferring you to 8h of sleep (simple math: "8h of sleep and no sex or 6h of sleep and sex"). But... he needs to make that road by himself. You're ahead of him, be patient. The best advice I can give you is to STOP. Stop going over to his place. Stop "luring" him in. Stop asking for sex. LEt him do it. Only if he does, will he appreciate it. Practice patience (I needed 10 more years by the time I become good at this, maybe you're smarter than I am)
Author youaremysunshine Posted March 1, 2013 Author Posted March 1, 2013 Thank you so much for you thoughts candie. When I look at it that way, I think we ask roughly equal of each other, but i have to be aware of what he is able to give. Also sleeping with a partner is not something he has ever done. Or really being intimate with anyone, he's very introverted. He's also self-employed, works alone and has no days off ever. He had the stomach flu and missed a day a few weeks ago and his clients were pissed. He was so upset. I can understand why he's stressed. I wish he had a day off so we could relax and spend the day together. I don't really know what the solution is but posting here has given me some perspective, thanks
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