TheGuard13 Posted March 1, 2013 Posted March 1, 2013 So, things haven't been great for about six months due to issues with communication, intimacy and stress. I tried talking to my girlfriend a month or so ago and got nowhere. I told her to think about whether she wants to be with be or not. Well, a month later, not much has changed. And lately, I'm having trouble motivating myself to talk to her about the possibility of our relationship having run its course. I know that I basically need to have the "If things don't change soon, I'm done" talk, but I keep putting it off and coming up with various excuses not to do it "tonight": She's stressed out, I'm stressed out, we're sick, or we'll genuinely have a nice night together and I just can't bring myself to ruin it with something like this. Does anyone have any suggestions for ways to motivate myself a little better?
creighton0123 Posted March 1, 2013 Posted March 1, 2013 Well, first of all... If you're unhappy about how things are, that doesn't necessarily mean your relationship with this girl has to end. If you feel that it does need to end, it is better to do it now rather than waiting another month. The longer you wait, the harder it will become. As for how to talk with her, do it genuinely and in the late morning/early afternoon. Be open and honest and see what she says. Chances are she's in the same mindset that you're in. In my past few relationships, I was in the habit of asking at least once a month these questions with the person I was dating: "Are you happy?" "What are you not happy about?" "What would you like more of?" "What would you like less of?" "Do you want to continue this?" You either have to find what is making you both unhappy or end the relationship. To get it all started, you just have to get yourself to say the words "Let's sit down and talk". Once you say those words, the rest will come pretty easily if you're both mature and calm about it. And if you feel as though she won't be mature and calm, have an exit plan. Easy to have if you don't live together, which seems doubtful after 6 months of dating. 4
grace777 Posted March 1, 2013 Posted March 1, 2013 I like the above advice. And also, go into it thinking that it's possible to remedy. Give it a real shot for a couple of weeks and revisit the discussion. If nothing changes, then at least you both know you tried. The worst thing is to blindside someone with the absolute "it's over" talk. Or at least, that is what I hated the most. I would have loved an honest discussion that clued me in (ahead of time) to the fact that things were not going as well as I thought they were. 2
drpepper1886 Posted March 1, 2013 Posted March 1, 2013 I like the above advice. And also, go into it thinking that it's possible to remedy. Give it a real shot for a couple of weeks and revisit the discussion. If nothing changes, then at least you both know you tried. The worst thing is to blindside someone with the absolute "it's over" talk. Or at least, that is what I hated the most. I would have loved an honest discussion that clued me in (ahead of time) to the fact that things were not going as well as I thought they were. This is the thing that bothered me the most about my breakup. If she had just first sat down and gave me the "Here is a list of things that need to change or it's not going to last talk" and I could have and should have certainly done the same, but we never had that. But I will make sure in the future to have these talks way more often. 1
marklarsson Posted March 1, 2013 Posted March 1, 2013 Definitely have the talk. It does not necceaarly mean that your relationship has run its course. The problem could be external and have nothing to do with your relationship at all. So have the talk. Sometimes it's good to hear from your partner certain things that you are not currently happy with. Make sure to not say it in a highly critical way. Just in the tone that you want the relationship to last. I'm sure he should appreciate it. People are too quick to give up on a relationship and break up when it can be fixed. 2
Author TheGuard13 Posted March 1, 2013 Author Posted March 1, 2013 I don't neccessarily want to end it. I like her a lot, and I like the relationship, save for the things that are really bothering me, IE, an almost total lack of intimacy and issues communicating. I want to believe we can work on it, and I'm willing to do so, but the problem is, despite numerous attempts to make her aware of my feelings, to try to get some kind of effort on her part, I've just seen nothing from her. I suppose the best thing to do is to sit down and talk with her one more time.
Author TheGuard13 Posted March 5, 2013 Author Posted March 5, 2013 So last night, I went with some friends to an event. My girlfriend was going somewhere else beforehand, and then met us there in her own car. I was going to ride back with her on the way home, but she said there was stuff in the passenger seat that she was bringing home, and that I should ride with my friends. Felt a little bit off. She got home about a half hour after my friends dropped me off and went to take a bath. Couldn't resist, so I went out to the garage to see if she did, in fact, have stuff in her passenger seat. A coin purse. Not sure why an adult woman would bother with such a flimsy excuse not to see someone when she could just say "Why don't you just ride with your friends, have fun", but its definitely time to have the talk with her.
aussie sam Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 The worst thing is to blindside someone with the absolute "it's over" talk. Or at least, that is what I hated the most. I would have loved an honest discussion that clued me in (ahead of time) to the fact that things were not going as well as I thought they were. This happened to me too unfortunately. I gave up trying to push the topic of communication and intimacy because I thought we could sort it out when our 6 months of long distance was over. She broke up with me 2 weeks after seeing me again. I can't turn back the clock, but I would still be happy if you could learn from our experiences and avoid our outcomes. Have the talk now, there really IS something up and if she can see that you want to solve the problem you should still have a chance (provided that she wants it to work too). If she doesn't then you have to let her throw the relationship away. Good luck and I look forward to hearing what happens!
Author TheGuard13 Posted March 9, 2013 Author Posted March 9, 2013 Well, I was going to talk to her this weekend, after we had a week to sort of cool down from some extracurriculars, but my car broke down an out of state job yesterday, so I was delayed in getting back to her for two days. Tonight she texts me "Are you happy?" And so I said that no, I was not, and that we should talk about it, and she asked why we're doing what we're doing, and that she doesn't know what to do and can't stop crying. But she won't call me because she can't stop crying. I am not having this conversation over text... Blah.
Author TheGuard13 Posted March 12, 2013 Author Posted March 12, 2013 Ok, so after more or less avoiding the issue after she brought it up, she now won't let me talk to her. She keeps manufacturing reasons to avoid me, to avoid discussion, communication, etc. She'll come right home and go to bed, or hole herself up in a room somewhere. I've told her twice "I think that we should talk when we get home", and both times, I've come home to find her claiming a headache/dizziness issues. I'm getting to the point where I'm about to write her a letter and be done with the whole thing.
Squirrel7 Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 Ok, so after more or less avoiding the issue after she brought it up, she now won't let me talk to her. She keeps manufacturing reasons to avoid me, to avoid discussion, communication, etc. She'll come right home and go to bed, or hole herself up in a room somewhere. I've told her twice "I think that we should talk when we get home", and both times, I've come home to find her claiming a headache/dizziness issues. I'm getting to the point where I'm about to write her a letter and be done with the whole thing. my ex does this too. she broke up with my last week out of nowhere and now every time i tell her i want to see her so we can talk she says shes busy all day or that shes gonna sleep early. i dont get it.
Author TheGuard13 Posted March 12, 2013 Author Posted March 12, 2013 She hasn't broken up with me, though. It seems she's just avoiding me.
mtnbiker3000 Posted March 13, 2013 Posted March 13, 2013 Well, the lack of intimacy was a big indicator for me. Probably not what you want to hear, but I think maybe she is distancing herself and has already decided she doesn't want to be with you any longer. But women also don't want to be alone, and you are comfortable to her... I bet if you have the talk, she will be in agreement and it will be over. Another reason she may not want to talk. She's not ready for the finality of it being over just yet. Either way, I think you may be screwed... Sorry. 1
Author TheGuard13 Posted March 14, 2013 Author Posted March 14, 2013 Finally had the talk with my girlfriend. I told her that I don't think she wants to be with me anymore, that this relationship isn't working for either of us, and that we're not happy, and at the very least, should take a break from each other and figure out what we want or need. We talked, relatively calmly, and she said the following: -She knows what I want and need in a relationship. She said I have not been pressuring her, but told me that whenever we watch a sex scene on TV or in a movie, she feels pressure "from me" about the issue. -She said that she's still attracted to me, and doesn't know why she has no sex drive or desire for intimacy with me. She admitted that she is depressed, and said that she feels like she's missing something, but doesn't know what that is. She thought it might have been the things that I thought it was causing it, with regard to stressful events in our lives late last year, etc, and is confused, because she now realizes that wasn't the problem. -She said I do some small, OCD-type things that annoy her and explained a couple of them. They're the kind of thing that are easily correctible, she'd just never said anything to me. -She said I don't read between the lines with regard to these things, and implied that I need her to say specific sentences about issues she has, to which I pointed out that she's given me nothing to read between, as she's not really communicated her feelings regarding our relationship at all. She seemed to agree. -She displayed some insecurity over the relationship I was in concurrently with her prior to the other girl deciding not to continue it, and whether we'd be together if that had not happened. -The biggest thing I took away from this, which I already had an inkling about, is that she said several times that she values her free time more these days, and seems to think we spend too much time together. She mentioned that she was upset that I did a show she's working on, as that was her "free space". All of which changes nothing really. I think we still need a break at the very least.
mtnbiker3000 Posted March 14, 2013 Posted March 14, 2013 Yeah, my ex said many of the same things. I've got some OCD/control issues too (most men do??). She also said I should be able to figure out / read between the lines. Why do women say this? Why don't they just talk about what they want to? Why do we have to figure it out?? Mine also lost sexual desire towards me. Again, I hate to say this, but even if she isn't totally aware of the situation, she will eventually pull further and further away until one of you can't take it anymore. Not 100% sure of this, but that's exactly what happened to me.
Author TheGuard13 Posted March 25, 2013 Author Posted March 25, 2013 Well, we broke up. I moved into the guest room about a week and a half ago, and things actually got better, in terms of being more pleasant and polite with each other. So I asked her tonight how she was doing, and told her that she seemed to be happier in general now that we've established some space, but that we still aren't working on our relationship. So we talked about it and decided to break up. We're going to be roommates for the time being and figure things out from here.
mtnbiker3000 Posted March 25, 2013 Posted March 25, 2013 Been there, done that. For 2 months... Finally moved out weekend before last. Roommates starts out OK, but degrades quickly. You'll be wondering where she is, who she is with, what she is doing, etc... I had to watch my ex get ready for a night out with friends and walk out looking super hot. This happened several times. Now, don't think about any of that crap... Outa site outa mind. Find a place for yourself ASAP... 1
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