Ex has her new man sleeping over one month later, daughter confused!!!

[Cade]

Long story short.. Together 6 yrs, marriage lasted 10 months, it has been 13 months since i have moved out, have one child with her who is now 3 and a half, she has a daughter of her own as well who is 11 now. The marriage ended I think because my ex hit a mid-life crisis or something and does not know what she wants?? She is now 32, I am 33. We were arguing a bit and that did not help either. I stated I would go to counselling as this is a marriage and we took a vow and I really wanted this to work. She did not want to do that, she had a hidden agenda. About one month later she was on a trip, heard she was with someone, was seen with him at a concert having a "good time". She denied it until I let her know that someone seen her there. She was apologetic, begged for forgiveness, i was peeved!!! One month after I move out? We are married? Eventually as time went on we started talking again, forgave her as people make mistakes.

We have been basically been seeing each other during the break, I was over there every 3rd night sleeping over, etc. About 2 months ago I had enough because she could not commit and I was fed up of the roller coaster, she only wanted me around at her own convenience it seems, got fed up of it all. She agreed and I found out she was dating someone before all of this ended hence, why she was so apprehensive about things. Safety net?? YEA!! She started dating someone as did I, things were going well for me and I let her know that we should not talk cause i was really happy, I assumed she was as well with her man. We were both with these people for about 2 months. She then shows up at my door crying, asking me to come back to her as she was attempting to seek happiness elsewhere but was just making herself miserable. I agreed to work on things and regrettably dumped the girl I was with. Safety net again, but i just wanted the marriage to work and i wanted to live with my daughter and raise her as well as hers.

Everything was great!! Better than ever before, just like we just met!! This went on for about 6 weeks and then she started getting distant again. Found out that she was still talking to the previous man, he would not leave her be and she would not tell him to leave her alone, (another safety net?). Don't think that had anything to do with it really as we split and she was not with him again. She broke it off with me about one month ago, not wanting to commit once again.. I was devastated at having to go through all of this again!!!

Anyway, started no contact as I have learned from the forum here to get my sanity, pride, esteem back. Very resentful of her and they way I was manipulated and used again and again.

Which brings me to the current dilemma. I do not want to know what she is doing as it would hurt, and I am trying to get on with my life. Have my daughter for the week-end and now she tells me that she has a new dad who sleeps over all of the time and plays with her etc..

It does not get much worse. I just left a voice message for her mom stating that I did not think it was very smart to have some guy she just met hanging out with my daughter so soon!! If I was to meet someone I would never have her spend the night with me while my daughter was here until way down the road when I knew things were serious!! I will not stand for her to have my daughter exposed to every new man that comes into her life, it is confusing!! I feel so helpless and I don't know if I am over reacting as this is inevitable?? What can I do about this?? She is totally being selfish and obviously not caring about what the children are going through. He is young as well, most likely a fling to her. I have my daughter once mid-week for the night and then 2 nights per week-end, is this not enough time for her to have him over for the night??

Nonetheless, seeking some advice here. Between the breakups, manipulation, being lied to and used, and now this, it is hard to think positive about anything anymore. Any feedback at all would be highly appreciated people..

Sorry so long, been reading this forum for a year now and thankful as it gets me by but I thought I must finally post something here as I need assistance and advice.

 

Thanks,

 

Cade

[baseball]

I know exactly where you are coming from. My first divorce involved a 3 year old child with the same visitation schedule. I decided that it was not in the best interest of my child to force my new girlfriend on her. The new girlfriend and I would just act as friends when my child was around. I think this was the best thing I could do because it gave the child time to adjust to her. This went on for months.

 

You and the ex need to sit down and come up with a plan to protect your kids first. Most parents seem to get very selfish when ending a relationship and forget about the kids. I am sure you both decided to bring a child into this world with good intentions,now follow through.

[Cade]

So instead of admitting to her faults and changing her ways, she is denying this.. She is a chronic liar and her first daughter who is 11 has confirmed all of this info. In other words my ex will just continue doing what she is doing. I am now looking into Sole Custody as her mother does not respect my concerns or rights as a father at all. Besides all of this and many other reasons, my daughter is living with my ex's mother who hates me for some unknown reason. Assume she feels I am a threat to her as my ex and I were working on things at one time and she does not want to lose her authority position in the family if I was to ever come back. Anyway, that is reason alone as when I call to talk to my daughter her Grandma is cold with me, tells me "sorry, she is watching tv??". I retaliated with, "So what is your point, this is her father calling, get her on the phone!!!". I am sure she is not exactly bragging about me around my daughter so I don't want my daughter anywhere near her. Funny thing is that I have done nothing to my exes mom but the fact is that I am actually the victim of her daughter's lies and manipulation!! Anyway, going for sole custody, I will not even get into the other reasons I feel her mother is unfit. I have a job offer a few provinces away and I don't want to leave my daughter, she is my only child, so it only makes sense to get custody and take her with me so that she can be raised in a stable environment. The story continues....

[Cade]

Baseball,

 

Thanks for the feedback by the way!!!

[soooconfused]

i wish you luck buddy...i went through the same thing. 1 child, married for 7 years. we separated for a little over a year and both dated other people. we are now back working on things. my priority is and always has been my daughter...its all about making the best of a situation and doing whats right for the person that matters the most...your kid.

[Cade]

soooconfused,

 

So back together after little over a year? That is where we are at right now, we tried about 6 weeks ago, but she was not committed. What eventually brought you 2 back together and how is it now? Do you both have trust issues after being with others? My wife is currently squirming right now as well cause she knows that I will win hands-down. For the last 14 months I have never had a sitter when I have had my kid, and never introduced her to any girls I was dating. I know that I will never get serious with any of them because my defences are up and I don't want to go though this sh$T again!! Most of the time my mind is still on my ex, as I know that deep down the woman I used to love is in there somewhere. She needs to snap out of this mode though because it is getting out of hand now. Maybe winning custody will finally open her eyes to her mistakes and carelessness. This is all that I want, my daughter to be in a safe, stable environment, and as well maybe her mom willl come around for her other daughter's sake. Who knows, maybe my old wife will break out of this shell eventually and come to her senses. If not, at least I know which ever way it goes my little one is taken care of and that is everything. Thanks for the response soooconfused...

[Cade]

soooconfused,

 

Was going to pm you but unable to, found your thread, going to know get some background on your sit...

[soooconfused]

i think what brought us back together was our child. Yes, we do have major trust issues after being with other people. I am struggling with the fact that she slept with other people (2 total). I am having a very hard time dedicating 100% to working on the relationship because of this fact. I do trust her but the mental images of her being with other people are killing me. She too is having a hard time with it (I was with 4 other people) but it is easier for her to overlook the physical aspect of what happened.

 

I have been searching and searching for a way to deal with this. So far there is no clear cut solution. I keep telling myself that she is human and had her needs and that i should be thankful we are back together. My daughter is ecstatic with the fact. That right there tells me that i need to find a way to deal with the situation...It is very easy to be selfish in these types of situations but like i said before...our priorities need to be our kids above and beyond everything else.