Untouchable_Fire Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 People leave relationships when able-bodied children are involved. They have that right. Parenthood, or even step-parenthood, isn't for everyone. It's a legitimate deal breaker, regardless of the mental status of the children. This woman knew that going in. While people should certainly have the right to choose what they are willing to accept or not in dating.... this is stupid because she knew well in advance. She is giving these mixed signals, and that simply isn't acceptable given the situation. You don't get to sit around a toy with people's emotions just because you are too stupid to make up your mind. 2
KathyM Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 Sometimes it takes awhile for the reality to sink in. She knew he was autistic, but there are many degrees of autism, and when she spent time with his son and her family gave their input later, she is now having more serious thoughts about the reality of taking care of him. She may decide it is too much for her to take on this huge, lifelong commitment. I don't think she was stringing him along. I think she is realizing now the reality of it and is trying to decide if it's something she can handle. 1
Author Tryinagain Posted March 5, 2013 Author Posted March 5, 2013 Well she called about an hour ago. Had a good conversation. Talked about 30 mins. I didn't ask any questions about "us". Just talked. Of I course I was glad to hear from her. Was hoping to hear her say she missed me but that didn't happen. I can't really understand why I have let this drive me so crazy but thanks to you guys I have decided to just let her contact me for awhile. Not going to push. Just going to be her friend. The way I see it is the love I have for her started because we just seem to click and became friends. So I just going to try to be the best friend she has ever had. What's the worse that could happen. I wind up with a friend for life or I wind up with a woman that chose to love me and my son for all we have to offer. Don't know if I will post on this thread again but I will be back when I need help clearing up my thoughts. Thanks again guys!
2sure Posted March 6, 2013 Posted March 6, 2013 I know OP said he may leave this thread , but I have some questions for him and some of the other posters on this thread who are parents to children with special needs. One of my closest friends has twins with autism. Plus a teenager my daughters age, that's how we became close. Soon after we met she confided in me that she and her husband can hardly stand each other and stay together not so much for the kids , but because it would be too difficult to parent singly even a few days at a time. I'm witness to their life, and agree. She also told me that the divorce rate is much higher than average for couples with special needs kids, I don't know if she was speaking specifically to her own families challenges. The stress there, between both twins and their various needs and behaviors...can get pretty high. Also, they are a lovely family , I am lucky to have them in my life. Given the amount of single parents with special needs kids ...it just has to be possible to meet and maybe partner with someone with the same personal experiences with the challenges and blessings. Is it? Or would you just end up talking only about the kids, and the meds, and the therapies, etc...
Author Tryinagain Posted March 6, 2013 Author Posted March 6, 2013 I know OP said he may leave this thread , but I have some questions for him and some of the other posters on this thread who are parents to children with special needs. One of my closest friends has twins with autism. Plus a teenager my daughters age, that's how we became close. Soon after we met she confided in me that she and her husband can hardly stand each other and stay together not so much for the kids , but because it would be too difficult to parent singly even a few days at a time. I'm witness to their life, and agree. She also told me that the divorce rate is much higher than average for couples with special needs kids, I don't know if she was speaking specifically to her own families challenges. The stress there, between both twins and their various needs and behaviors...can get pretty high. Also, they are a lovely family , I am lucky to have them in my life. Given the amount of single parents with special needs kids ...it just has to be possible to meet and maybe partner with someone with the same personal experiences with the challenges and blessings. Is it? Or would you just end up talking only about the kids, and the meds, and the therapies, etc... 2sure I'm still here just feel like I'm whining on here all the time. Yes, the divorce rate is higher with families dealing with a special needs child. It is difficult. Both parents need time away from it all. I don't mean all the time. Maybe a night out with the guys/girls kinda thing. As for me meeting someone with a special needs child....I really have never thought about it. I believe no matter who I meet I have to decide to love her children as they are my on if I want a relationship. If I can't do that then I need to move on. No matter if the children are what the world calls normal or special needs. 1
Hopeful30 Posted March 6, 2013 Posted March 6, 2013 I think she's slowly backing out of the relationship. I think she changed her mind but didn't want to break it off right away because it would be difficult for her, so she said she wanted to work things out and now she's slowly back away until one day it will be easy to not talk to you or see you anymore.
Soxfaninfl Posted March 7, 2013 Posted March 7, 2013 Tryinagain, any news from her of what she wants to do?
Lambchoper Posted March 7, 2013 Posted March 7, 2013 Well. I had a bf with a REALLLY difficult daughter before. (I'm talking telling me she was going to slit my neck when I sleep, she was 4!! and with major mental issues) At first I could deal, but then I couldn't anymore because I too was thinking long term. I think the number one thing was, that I had no children of my own, so it was hard if she were my only and it was like that and to see us as a family. My advice to you, find someone who has kids the same age. We had other issues also, but since she wasn't mine, I couldn't take control and get her help. He wouldn't listen to me. There is nothing you can do, if it is not what she wants.. but someone else will for sure. if you guys don't have other crazy issues, and if she really loved you, then she will make it work. DOn't let it stop you from trying to find that person though.. don't put a wall up again because you shouldn't have to be lonely. Just try and try again.
Author Tryinagain Posted March 7, 2013 Author Posted March 7, 2013 Lambchoper lonely sucks. Nope no more issues. Soxfaninfl- no word. She did call this evening. Just told me about her day. Seemed distant to me. She repeated to me all the things going on this week and how busy she was without me asking any questions. I told her that I had made plans this weekend to go see my brother and his family that live out of town since I had a free weekend. Basically just a friendly conversation. But hey she called. I'm not getting my hopes up. Just going to move on and let her either miss me and call or not. I have decided to wait a week and call her. Remember I was invited to go to an event with her in a couple of weeks. Wonder what she is going to do about that???
Soxfaninfl Posted March 7, 2013 Posted March 7, 2013 Soxfaninfl- no word. She did call this evening. Just told me about her day. Seemed distant to me. She repeated to me all the things going on this week and how busy she was without me asking any questions. I told her that I had made plans this weekend to go see my brother and his family that live out of town since I had a free weekend. Basically just a friendly conversation. But hey she called. I'm not getting my hopes up. Just going to move on and let her either miss me and call or not. I have decided to wait a week and call her. Remember I was invited to go to an event with her in a couple of weeks. Wonder what she is going to do about that??? Your doing the right thing. If she comes around great if she doesn't then so be it. Live your life your life while you wait, but don't let her string you along. I wish you luck!
Author Tryinagain Posted March 7, 2013 Author Posted March 7, 2013 I think she's slowly backing out of the relationship. I think she changed her mind but didn't want to break it off right away because it would be difficult for her, so she said she wanted to work things out and now she's slowly back away until one day it will be easy to not talk to you or see you anymore. I think you NAILED IT Hopeful30!
Disenchantedly Yours Posted March 7, 2013 Posted March 7, 2013 Tryinagain, I don't have any advice for you with this woman, but I just wanted to say that I am very impressed by you. Reading your posts throughout this thread, your emotionally healthy and stable and obviously very kind and loving. If it doesn't work out with this woman, I think you have a good chance of finding someone else better. You're the kind of man that most women should want to be with. Because you've had to manage a difficult situation and you're doing it with love and grace. I wish you luck. 2
whichwayisup Posted March 7, 2013 Posted March 7, 2013 She has to know that your son is a package deal. that pretty much sums it up. She can't 'date' you and not accept him. Maybe she isn't ready to take on someone's child. And actually she has that right, but if that is the case, then it's time to end things before you become too attached.
whichwayisup Posted March 7, 2013 Posted March 7, 2013 Lambchoper lonely sucks. Nope no more issues. Soxfaninfl- no word. She did call this evening. Just told me about her day. Seemed distant to me. She repeated to me all the things going on this week and how busy she was without me asking any questions. I told her that I had made plans this weekend to go see my brother and his family that live out of town since I had a free weekend. Basically just a friendly conversation. But hey she called. I'm not getting my hopes up. Just going to move on and let her either miss me and call or not. I have decided to wait a week and call her. Remember I was invited to go to an event with her in a couple of weeks. Wonder what she is going to do about that??? Hmm, I think you should be upfront with her and not waste any more time. Just be honest - If you can't accept my situation with my son, then there is no future here. I can't invest in you and then have you keep changing your mind and doing the 'come here, go away' game with me. I want someone stable and who is committed and can accept everything. She in her own way has distanced herself and let you know 'how busy' she is IS the hint, she just doesn't have the balls to say it out loud and end it. 3
Author Tryinagain Posted March 7, 2013 Author Posted March 7, 2013 Tryinagain, I don't have any advice for you with this woman, but I just wanted to say that I am very impressed by you. Reading your posts throughout this thread, your emotionally healthy and stable and obviously very kind and loving. If it doesn't work out with this woman, I think you have a good chance of finding someone else better. You're the kind of man that most women should want to be with. Because you've had to manage a difficult situation and you're doing it with love and grace. I wish you luck. Disenchantedly Yours....WOW! I do believe you just made my day!! Thank you for the kind words! I haven't felt emotionally healthy. Haha! More like what heck! I do hope there is someone out there for me and our paths cross one day.
LadyGrey Posted March 7, 2013 Posted March 7, 2013 Try....I just found this thread, I have so much to say but I need to gather my thoughts. I'm the parent of a daughter with severe disabilities who I am the caretaker for and I've been divorced for a long time from her father. Hugs..........
Author Tryinagain Posted March 7, 2013 Author Posted March 7, 2013 Try....I just found this thread, I have so much to say but I need to gather my thoughts. I'm the parent of a daughter with severe disabilities who I am the caretaker for and I've been divorced for a long time from her father. Hugs.......... LadyGrey I look forward to your thoughts!
LadyGrey Posted March 8, 2013 Posted March 8, 2013 LadyGrey I look forward to your thoughts! I don't know where to start so forgive me if I ramble. I'm sorry but it sounds like your lady friend has pulled back and decided she just can't handle it but she is afraid to tell you. I know that hurts and I'm sorry but it's much better for you to know this now that be further invested and also if she couldn't cut it, she isn't the one for you. Nothing wrong with that, but she should tell you but like most people, she probably doesn't want to admit it to herself or you, so in essence she is stringing you along, although probably not maliciously. Maybe make one more effort to talk with her and just tell her, that you feel like she has backed out, but you feel in limbo. Limbo is a terrible place to be and I'd remove yourself from it as soon as possible. Heal.........and keep looking. Since my divorce many years ago, I've had 3 serious relationships and 2 of the men involved, were great with my daughter. The other wasn't around her, but just a little bit as he didn't live near me. Like yourself, I'm a package deal, and any man that comes into my life must understand that much of my life is not my own. I have to do right by my daughter and what is right is that I keep her with me. To be honest, I'm human and I'm not a saint, its damn hard to give up so much of me, my freedom, etc.. but I could not live with myself if I didn't keep her with me and do the best I can. I just can't send her somewhere else. She is completely vulnerable to someone else doing something terrible to her and at home with me, I have control over who she has contact with. I do have some me time and time for friends but it's not a lot and it's very stressful, otherwise. At this point in my life, I do date occasionally but I'm not sure if such a man exists that could deal with me and my packages, but on the other hand I'm OK alone. My daughter is completely dependent on others for every aspect of her care. I gather from what you posted that your son is able to do some things for himself but will never be independent? Also my daughter has some autistic tendencies, so I can relate on that level. She doesn't like anything to be moved, different, etc. Again, I hope I didn't ramble too much. I greatly admire you, not many men would do what you are doing. Sadly not many men can cut it, my daughter's father hardly sees her. He has been a good father to our other daughter, but not this one. His mother hasn't seen her in years, she just couldn't accept her, to her, she doesn't exist. Very sad! I think the right woman is out there for you and will appreciate and admire you for the awesome thing you are doing for your son. My hat (if I wore one) is off to you sir! 2
Author Tryinagain Posted March 8, 2013 Author Posted March 8, 2013 Hmm, I think you should be upfront with her and not waste any more time. Just be honest - If you can't accept my situation with my son, then there is no future here. I can't invest in you and then have you keep changing your mind and doing the 'come here, go away' game with me. I want someone stable and who is committed and can accept everything. She in her own way has distanced herself and let you know 'how busy' she is IS the hint, she just doesn't have the balls to say it out loud and end it. Whichwayisup I'm with you on this. Maybe I'm stupid but I am waiting until after this weekend unless she calls. If not then I am calling and basically say the same thing you have posted. I may leave out the part about her not having the balls.
Author Tryinagain Posted March 8, 2013 Author Posted March 8, 2013 (edited) I don't know where to start so forgive me if I ramble. I'm sorry but it sounds like your lady friend has pulled back and decided she just can't handle it but she is afraid to tell you. I know that hurts and I'm sorry but it's much better for you to know this now that be further invested and also if she couldn't cut it, she isn't the one for you. Nothing wrong with that, but she should tell you but like most people, she probably doesn't want to admit it to herself or you, so in essence she is stringing you along, although probably not maliciously. Maybe make one more effort to talk with her and just tell her, that you feel like she has backed out, but you feel in limbo. Limbo is a terrible place to be and I'd remove yourself from it as soon as possible. Heal.........and keep looking. Since my divorce many years ago, I've had 3 serious relationships and 2 of the men involved, were great with my daughter. The other wasn't around her, but just a little bit as he didn't live near me. Like yourself, I'm a package deal, and any man that comes into my life must understand that much of my life is not my own. I have to do right by my daughter and what is right is that I keep her with me. To be honest, I'm human and I'm not a saint, its damn hard to give up so much of me, my freedom, etc.. but I could not live with myself if I didn't keep her with me and do the best I can. I just can't send her somewhere else. She is completely vulnerable to someone else doing something terrible to her and at home with me, I have control over who she has contact with. I do have some me time and time for friends but it's not a lot and it's very stressful, otherwise. At this point in my life, I do date occasionally but I'm not sure if such a man exists that could deal with me and my packages, but on the other hand I'm OK alone. My daughter is completely dependent on others for every aspect of her care. I gather from what you posted that your son is able to do some things for himself but will never be independent? Also my daughter has some autistic tendencies, so I can relate on that level. She doesn't like anything to be moved, different, etc. Again, I hope I didn't ramble too much. I greatly admire you, not many men would do what you are doing. Sadly not many men can cut it, my daughter's father hardly sees her. He has been a good father to our other daughter, but not this one. His mother hasn't seen her in years, she just couldn't accept her, to her, she doesn't exist. Very sad! I think the right woman is out there for you and will appreciate and admire you for the awesome thing you are doing for your son. My hat (if I wore one) is off to you sir! Thank you LadyGrey for your kind words! We do what we have to do. Simple as that. I have never understood people like your ex. I personally do not understand how any father would not work his butt off and do anything he possibly could for his children. As for my son, he is dependent on me. He is mobile and although he is non verbal we do communicate. That is learned over the years. I am blessed to have a family that loves him. Being alone....well up to the time this lady and I started talking I had decided I would probably be alone the rest of my life and I was ok with that. Didn't say I was ecstatic about it now so read carefully. Lol! If she is out there I would love to meet her. As for that hat of yours you keep it on. I'm nothing special. Just a Dad that will always take care of my son! No matter what. Edited March 8, 2013 by Tryinagain Made a mistake 2
LadyGrey Posted March 8, 2013 Posted March 8, 2013 Thank you LadyGrey for your kind words! We do what we have to do. Simple as that. I've said the same many times, and I'm always embarrassed when someone says to me, I couldn't do that. I usually respond with yes you most likely would if it were your child. I'm nothing special. I have never understood people like your ex. I personally do not understand how any father would not work his butt off and do anything he possibly could for his children. The above, I don't understand it either. It hurts me, it hurts me for her. I have to admit I enabled him in some ways because after we separated, I didn't push for him to do his part but he didn't even try. I hope someday he recognizes it is his loss someday and completely his choice. I encourage him to come and see her, but he doesn't. As for my son, he is dependent on me. He is mobile and although he is non verbal we do communicate. That is learned over the years. I am blessed to have a family that loves him. I understand the non verbal communication very well, my daughter doesn't speak either and hears very little but she is able to let me know what she needs/wants most of the time. The few times I don't understand it is very frustrating for both of us. What is worse is when I understand what it is, but I can't/won't do it for whatever reason. Then she is not a happy camper. My daughter is not able to walk but she can move around. I have had some wonderful support and help also, my mother loves her as if she were her own. Up until a few years ago, I worked outside the home and my mother was her caregiver. I think my daughter thought she had two momma's. Being alone....well up to the time this lady and I started talking I had decided I would probably be alone the rest of my life and I was ok with that. Didn't say I was ecstatic about it now so read carefully. Lol! If she is out there I would love to meet her. As for that hat of yours you keep it on. I'm nothing special. Just a Dad that will always take care of my son! No matter what. Don't give up, I just don't think this lady is the one, but don't give up, you have a lot to give and you deserve someone who will give a lot to you too.
LadyGrey Posted March 8, 2013 Posted March 8, 2013 I know OP said he may leave this thread , but I have some questions for him and some of the other posters on this thread who are parents to children with special needs. One of my closest friends has twins with autism. Plus a teenager my daughters age, that's how we became close. Soon after we met she confided in me that she and her husband can hardly stand each other and stay together not so much for the kids , but because it would be too difficult to parent singly even a few days at a time. I'm witness to their life, and agree. She also told me that the divorce rate is much higher than average for couples with special needs kids, I don't know if she was speaking specifically to her own families challenges. The stress there, between both twins and their various needs and behaviors...can get pretty high. Also, they are a lovely family , I am lucky to have them in my life. Given the amount of single parents with special needs kids ...it just has to be possible to meet and maybe partner with someone with the same personal experiences with the challenges and blessings. Is it? Or would you just end up talking only about the kids, and the meds, and the therapies, etc... I don't know 2sure, I have wondered this myself. I've met one man who had a role as caretaker in his present life, we just didn't click for other reasons. I think like any relationship it would take a lot of effort to have time for yourself and couple time. Maybe it's an impossible feat, I wonder. Frankly for me, I don't think I have enough left over for a full time relationship at this stage in my life. I used to think I did, and have tried it, but for various reasons, they didn't work out. I suppose it would be different if I had more free time, but I don't. This is my life. Every once in a while, I have a pity party, but then I think about not having her and I can usually snap myself out of it pretty quickly. When she was very young I almost lost her several times, I had forgotten how terrible that was since it had been so long but she got very sick last year and again I had to face the possibility that I might lose her and that thought was just unbearable. I would be lost without her. Also when she was so sick last year, I felt the most alone, I think I've ever felt in my life, even though I had lots of family support. I had to make some hard decisions involving her care, mostly to do with if she should be transferred to another hospital and I felt an overwhelming weight on my shoulders, such a crushing responsibility that I knew was all mine. I would have given so much to have her father there with me, to take part of the load off, but no, it was all mine to carry. I've always been her advocate and I'm quite nice and pleasant but if nice and pleasant doesn't work, you really don't want to piss me off when it comes to her and what she needs or what is best for her. I'm sure that I've been called a few names muttered quietly, but so be it. I do it for her. The divorce rate, very much higher, I've read in the 90's. I could write a long list of things that caused me and her father to divorce but a lot of it had to do with all that came with her. It still makes me very sad sometimes, because I really loved that man with all my heart, but he and I messed it all up. He said a few days after she was born, this will either make us or break us, sadly we let it break us. Well enough of that novel.
2sure Posted March 8, 2013 Posted March 8, 2013 My friend with the autistic twns has some health problems of her own as well what I think are some OCD issues. I offered to hire a nanny a couple days a week but she just can't let go enough to have someone make dinner, clean up, help with homework. I wish I could figure out a way to help. The kids , one at a time, will come come with me and do oretty good. But it's not often enough.
Author Tryinagain Posted March 8, 2013 Author Posted March 8, 2013 Hey Guys and Gals! What are your thoughts? She called this afternoon. Good conversation. She asked what I was doing tonight. Remember I had already told her. Anyway....she asked what I was doing tomorrow night and said she if I didn't have plans she would like to get together. She said that the family thing she had going on Saturday would be over by 5. I told her I was not sure what time I would be back and told her to call me around 3 tomorrow. So my question is what do you guys think? Should I go? If so should I just go and enjoy or should I go and ask what the heck is going on?
Recommended Posts