Author Tryinagain Posted March 1, 2013 Author Posted March 1, 2013 I'm sorry to hear that! Same here with my ex wife. The consolation prizes for us is we have our children. You have to consider too that it probably just wasn't that he was autistic, but that you had a kid that would always be around. It's one thing to meet someone and get to know them and it's just the 2 of you but when you later introduce a kid into your activities it changes the dynamic a lot and if she doesn't have kids it probably hit her that most of your activities going forward would include him and the fun you have now would change and things would be vastly different than when she was getting to know you and just you. You point out that your son is autistic like that was the reason but I wonder if the real reason was that a kid, any kid, changed the dynamic for her, not the fact that he is autistic. Nope! She has a kid. Her kid is 8 years old. When we first started talking and I think I mentioned earlier, I told her about my son. We discussed her kid being nervous around him. We took it slow. They came over when my son was there maybe ten times. Her kid was nervous at first but warmed up to him quickly. We even discussed her kid. She asked was I ok with the fact that sometimes we would have to just hang at her house because she didn't want her kid to feel left out. We have spent more time with her our kids than being alone. Our time alone other than a few outings when she got a sitter has been after the kids bedtime. I have not had an issue with that. I have thought hard about her kid. Do I love her enough to help raise her child if we did Marry later. The answer is yes! I love her that much. The problem came when my son went to an outing because I did not have a sitter. She knew she invited us both. It just slapped her in the face, her words, that this was reality. I mean what else could I have done? Everything was known in advance! My kid, her kid! Just to much to handle I guess.
Author Tryinagain Posted March 1, 2013 Author Posted March 1, 2013 Believe me I know how you feel. I still see a counselor from time to time. The pain was so much for me at times that I wanted god to take me. The sad part is I still miss her and love her. I wish I could not feel anything for her anymore, but my heart won't let me. What kept me going is the love my son has for me and the love I have for him. Yeah, I spend very other week trying to find a new love. Some women don't even want to date me because I have a child and I'm divorced. I know I don't have it as hard as you, but it's still hard. We sound a lot alike! But I have moved on. I love her but I'm not in love. If that makes sense. I was tired of that hurt. As for me having it harder, no man, we both have been hurt and just have to move on. 1
2sure Posted March 1, 2013 Posted March 1, 2013 As much as most of us as parents , love our children unconditionally, and force ourselves to rise to meet challenges with them, and accept and love them for her they are... It's a serious and very difficult committment to choose to parent a child with disabilities. I like to think that I could, but have real doubt about my abilities and skills. it's possible that her family or parents pointed out that this was not a decision to be based totally on feelings. BUT. You as a partner and your son are absolutely a wonderful package for a wonderful person who has less self doubt. 1
Soxfaninfl Posted March 1, 2013 Posted March 1, 2013 We sound a lot alike! But I have moved on. I love her but I'm not in love. If that makes sense. I was tired of that hurt. As for me having it harder, no man, we both have been hurt and just have to move on. I don't understand that feeling of I love you but I'm not in love with you. For me I either love you or I don't. I'm trying to move on and find somebody new. I just want to forget her to be honest, so I don't hurt anymore.
MidwestUSA Posted March 1, 2013 Posted March 1, 2013 Here's another take. She may be scared. She has seen your dedication to your son, and fully realizes what kind of guy you are. Has it occurred to you that she may feel you are too good for her? That if it were her child, she may not have the strength and courage to deal with it? It's a plus for you, and something to give her a lot of reason to think. Personally, I've always thought that men who are that dedicated are worth seeking out, and holding on to if you find him! I think she'll be back; give her some space and time! God bless! 3
Author Tryinagain Posted March 1, 2013 Author Posted March 1, 2013 I don't understand that feeling of I love you but I'm not in love with you. For me I either love you or I don't. I'm trying to move on and find somebody new. I just want to forget her to be honest, so I don't hurt anymore. I guess what I mean is that I do not want anything to happen to her. She is my children's mother. I have removed myself emotionally from her. In other words I'm not going to sit around and be miserable about the situation anymore. 2
Treasa Posted March 1, 2013 Posted March 1, 2013 She did not say she was embarrassed of my son. She was embarrassed that she felt this way. This is what I thought before I even read the other responses and saw people saying how horrible she was. After just four months, I'm not sure if I'd want to get seriously invested with a man with a child, either. In the beginning of a relationship I think we're soooo "in love" (you know what I mean) that we think we can change and accept whatever is in the other person's life. And then we go back to our natural way of thinking, and things are either compatible or they aren't.
CarrieT Posted March 1, 2013 Posted March 1, 2013 OP, I just recently got engaged to a man with a severely autistic son (as well as two other kids). And it took a LOT of time for both of us to make sure that I could accept the whole package and that they could accept me. I honestly wasn't sure and we had a lot of frank discussions about the situations and scenarios - especially after the Connecticut shooting (and I started a thread about it here), because of those concerns. I have no words of wisdom other than hold strong and know that as long as you are doing the best you can for your child, the right woman will see you and love you for the totality of you and your situation. Best of luck... 1
blindotter Posted March 1, 2013 Posted March 1, 2013 OP, that must be tough. I have a 4 year old son who has autism so I know the challenges and also rewards that come from raising a child with autism - they have obstacles, sure, but they also have unique abilities that neurotypical people don't have! I don't want to guess what is up with the woman in your life, she could have second thoughts, she could be pondering more, or having your son around her family could have held a mirror up to her that reflected back insecurities and doubts, or unexamined prejudices and shortcomings, that she has within herself. Only time can tell, to be cliche. I wish you all the best and hope that you have a resolution to your situation that is to the highest good of all involved, including your son.
mortensorchid Posted March 1, 2013 Posted March 1, 2013 I'm sorry to hear about this, but she seemed to clam up on you after she had met your autistic son. It says that she is uncomfortable with him or your having this child. It sounds rather harsh of me to say this, but I think you should move on. She may say that she's alright with it, but by what you have said she seems uncomfortable. Or she may say that she is ok but down the road she will find something else she is uncomforable with and blame him or you for it. Wait for her to make a move towards you, bring it up, and then see what she says.
FitChick Posted March 1, 2013 Posted March 1, 2013 How old is your son? Would you have to take care of him for the rest of your life or could he live in a group home?
dasein Posted March 1, 2013 Posted March 1, 2013 If this kind of thing puts her off from a man she claims to "love," she will fold like a lawnchair when life offers any real problems. That ain't love, nowhere close. Low quality, bad bet, steer clear. 2
bentnotbroken Posted March 2, 2013 Posted March 2, 2013 I agree with that Kraftdinner. I do respect her honesty! Yes, raising a disabled child is difficult and life changing but man he is a super blessing to me! I love hearing this. Thank you. 2
Author Tryinagain Posted March 2, 2013 Author Posted March 2, 2013 How old is your son? Would you have to take care of him for the rest of your life or could he live in a group home? FitChick- He is 19. Yes he will be with me the rest of his life. I'm not saying group homes are wrong but I believe that Hid have him to me for a reason. He is my responsibility. No one will love him and take care of him the way I will. Yes, I do have sitters that stay with him everyday except Sunday. I have been blessed to find these two ladies that love him very much and that are trustworthy. 1
KraftDinner Posted March 2, 2013 Posted March 2, 2013 If this kind of thing puts her off from a man she claims to "love," she will fold like a lawnchair when life offers any real problems. That ain't love, nowhere close. Low quality, bad bet, steer clear. I feel as though you are underestimating the challenge. What the OP needs is someone who sees this as a serious commitment -- which she obviously does, as she's seriously considering the implications. This isn't just, "she doesn't know if she likes my car." This is his son, a human being, that will remain the OP's priority for the rest of his life. A blessing for sure. But what wouldn't be a blessing for the OP would be someone who said, "oh sure, no big deal, I can handle it" and then makes and breaks a commitment because she thought life was a cakewalk.
Author Tryinagain Posted March 2, 2013 Author Posted March 2, 2013 UPDATE: first let me say thanks everyone for all of the comments. Keep them coming because it helps me to re read them when maybe I'm just not thinking right. LOL! Ok! I decided to take the advice about backing off and give her time. I haven't tried to contact for two days. I have been waiting. That's hard for me to be honest! She called this evening she had some drama with her family going on and said she needed to hear my voice. I listened even gave her my opinion about the situation when she asked what I thought she should do. After that she asked how my son was doing and what we were up to tonight. Of course we are hanging out at home and maybe watch a movie. She apologized again for the confusion she is feeling. She said she has missed talking to me and wanted to see me. I told her we had a busy weekend planned but she was welcome to come go with us. We are going to the supermarket then out to eat and back home tomorrow. Sounds like fun huh??? Hahaha! Anyway she said she would love to but she would have to let me know in the morning. She actually had a good reason for that but who knows. I'm not going to judge her. Kinda do not expect her to go but I well her loss. She will be missing out on a day with two great guys! We shall see! 1
Author Tryinagain Posted March 2, 2013 Author Posted March 2, 2013 I feel as though you are underestimating the challenge. What the OP needs is someone who sees this as a serious commitment -- which she obviously does, as she's seriously considering the implications. This isn't just, "she doesn't know if she likes my car." This is his son, a human being, that will remain the OP's priority for the rest of his life. A blessing for sure. But what wouldn't be a blessing for the OP would be someone who said, "oh sure, no big deal, I can handle it" and then makes and breaks a commitment because she thought life was a cakewalk. Kraftdinner you are so right! This is a lifetime decision. Believe me it's not easy at times but the good far outweighs the bad. In my opinion. Honestly I have been thinking that maybe I need to just quit looking for someone. When I think about it the whole thing just seems impossible to find someone that would even want to have that on their plate. I mean I would have never asked for this in the beginning but like I have said before and I mean with all my heart....I have never regretted him being born. People look at this as being a burden! Yes it is hard at times! A lot of times! But so freaking amazing to know God trusted me with such a special young man! 1
MidwestUSA Posted March 2, 2013 Posted March 2, 2013 Kraftdinner has posted some great insights. I agree completely. OP, I do hope you will keep us posted. Be patient; things sound very promising!
Author Tryinagain Posted March 3, 2013 Author Posted March 3, 2013 Well I last posted an update March 1 after talking to her. Thought things sounded good. She ignored me all day yesterday. Ignored meaning I sent two text. One in the morning and one last night and she has not replied to either. I am fighting the urge to text her this morning. I miss her! I miss feeling like I was important to someone. I miss her trusting me with what is going on in her life and wanting me to listen. What have I turned into? Just confused I guess.
Soxfaninfl Posted March 3, 2013 Posted March 3, 2013 Well I last posted an update March 1 after talking to her. Thought things sounded good. She ignored me all day yesterday. Ignored meaning I sent two text. One in the morning and one last night and she has not replied to either. I am fighting the urge to text her this morning. I miss her! I miss feeling like I was important to someone. I miss her trusting me with what is going on in her life and wanting me to listen. What have I turned into? Just confused I guess. Don't text her. Wait till she responds. If you keep texting her, you're going to look needy. 1
Author Tryinagain Posted March 4, 2013 Author Posted March 4, 2013 Don't text her. Wait till she responds. If you keep texting her, you're going to look needy. Soxfaninfl you are right! I know that. I guess I just needed to whine to somebody so I put it on here. Lol! I'm not going to text her again. I defintly do not want to come across as needy. I learned four years ago that you can't make someone love you. I personally do not see how some people can love one day and stop the next. At least that's how it seems. I always thought love was a choice and when you make that choice you work like h*** through the hard times. But I guess if you can choose to fall in love you can choose to fall out.
Soxfaninfl Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 Soxfaninfl you are right! I know that. I guess I just needed to whine to somebody so I put it on here. Lol! I'm not going to text her again. I defintly do not want to come across as needy. I learned four years ago that you can't make someone love you. I personally do not see how some people can love one day and stop the next. At least that's how it seems. I always thought love was a choice and when you make that choice you work like h*** through the hard times. But I guess if you can choose to fall in love you can choose to fall out. Tryinagain, I've been in your situation where the women didn't respond right away and would want to text. I've learned my lesson. I've learned that I couldn't make my wife love me anymore. She fell out of love with me. I don't understand that either how someone can love someone one minute and then not the next. What is sad is I still love my wife. I wish I didn't since she hurt me and put me through hell.
KathyM Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 She may just need some space to figure out what she wants and figure out if she's going to be able to take on a lifelong commitment to helping you with your son. Just give her some space to decide if she is up to this. It's a huge decision, and it's good that she is not taking this decision lightly. 1
Author Tryinagain Posted March 4, 2013 Author Posted March 4, 2013 She may just need some space to figure out what she wants and figure out if she's going to be able to take on a lifelong commitment to helping you with your son. Just give her some space to decide if she is up to this. It's a huge decision, and it's good that she is not taking this decision lightly. I honestly understand and agree with that KathyM. I guess the reason I keep posting on here is because this being ignored feeling I have brings back so many memories of my past. When my ex started ignoring me I didn't know what was going on. We had disagreements of course in our marriage but we always talked. But then the silent game started. It drove me nuts. Of course later I find out she is having an affair with what I thought was a friend. I worked my tail off to get over that and I did. It took awhile but I did. Now 4 years later I try again. Took it slow at first because I didn't won't to be hurt. She told me she loved me and that felt good. I started letting my guard down more every time we where together. Now, the silent treatment again. Immediately of course my thoughts said there was someone else even though she told me what the issue was. But the feeling of being ignored is killing me. I do respect her for thinking about this. It does say to me that she did truly love me because she is looking at the long term. I am going to give her time but how long? Do I never contact her again? Do I just move on? I mean seriously is it that difficult for her to contact me and tell me what is going through her head? Those are questions I am trying to figure out.
KathyM Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 I honestly understand and agree with that KathyM. I guess the reason I keep posting on here is because this being ignored feeling I have brings back so many memories of my past. When my ex started ignoring me I didn't know what was going on. We had disagreements of course in our marriage but we always talked. But then the silent game started. It drove me nuts. Of course later I find out she is having an affair with what I thought was a friend. I worked my tail off to get over that and I did. It took awhile but I did. Now 4 years later I try again. Took it slow at first because I didn't won't to be hurt. She told me she loved me and that felt good. I started letting my guard down more every time we where together. Now, the silent treatment again. Immediately of course my thoughts said there was someone else even though she told me what the issue was. But the feeling of being ignored is killing me. I do respect her for thinking about this. It does say to me that she did truly love me because she is looking at the long term. I am going to give her time but how long? Do I never contact her again? Do I just move on? I mean seriously is it that difficult for her to contact me and tell me what is going through her head? Those are questions I am trying to figure out. This situation is not like your past one with your ex. This is not about her feelings for you, this is about the huge commitment she will be taking on with your son if she decides to stay with you. This is not something you can rush. I can't put a time limit on it. She may decide to let you go, and then seriously regret it and want you back later on. This is something she has to struggle with and figure out if she can handle. I think she is considering the long term, and that is why she is wanting space right now to figure this out. If she only wanted to date you and didn't want anything long term, she would still be dating you and not thinking about the consequences of helping you take care of your son. The ball is in her court now, and you need to be patient in letting her decide what she wants.
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