Tryinagain Posted March 1, 2013 Posted March 1, 2013 I was married 24 years and have been divorced 4 years. I finally decided to let the walls down and met someone 4 months ago. We have clicked since day one. Learning from mistakes I made in my marriage I made a point to be up front with her about everything. We went on dates. Texted each other on and off all day everyday. She called every night before going to bed. After about a month she came over and met my son. I had already told her about him. He is autistic. Everything went great. She came over several times since when he was here and all was good. About month two she told me she loved me. Honestly I had been hoping but I would not say it first. As a matter of fact I didn't tell her that night but did the next night when she called. Two months is not long but we had both fallen in love. Then that Saturday night rolled around. My son was here and his sitter was getting off at 6 p. m. She called and said that her family was celebrating something special and wanted me to be there. Of course I wanted to go. I told her my sons sitter was off so if I came he would be with me. She says well bring him..that is fine with me. Her family had never met him but they were awesome. Talked to him loved on him everything. She didn't speak ten words to me. After two hours I made an excuse and we left. She walked us out told me she loved me and have me a kiss. The next two days she was quite. Finally I called an asked what's going on. She admitted that she was embarrassed but when we walked in Friday night reality sit in and she didn't know if she could handle it. To me that proves she loves me and was thinking long term. I understand her concern and told her that I wasn't upset. She said she didn't want to lose me but didn't know what to do. She said she needed time to think. I left her alone for two days then she called. She told me she wanted to try and work it out and did not want to lose me. We have been on a date or two since. She has invited me over to her house. All of course when my son is not here. That is fine and actually how we had been handling the relationship. He has to come first but I do feel like its ok, if I have a sitter here, to go see her. Honestly I desire a relationship. Someone to talk to and share my day or feelings with. Exactly what we had. But now she never tells me she loves me. Hardly ever text. Still calls most nights before going to bed. We talk, we laugh and she did tell me she loves me last night. Today she hasn't had time for me. I am confused. I am hurting and I am lonely. I don't want to lose her!! What do I do???????
Toddbt12y1 Posted March 1, 2013 Posted March 1, 2013 Ah... so you chose a woman over your son, correct? That is what I gather from this. She is emberrassed over an autistic kid? Come-on! Everyone knows how autistic people can be...What an aweful load of **** to say man. I work in a hospital. I even helped an autistic kid...Sure, they randomly say things, randomly do things. You might even be worried...but you understand, you don't judge or simply get ashamed. What an ignorant woman...you may not like me for saying that, but frankly, I don't give a damn. Poor kid... 8
Soxfaninfl Posted March 1, 2013 Posted March 1, 2013 Tryinagain, if she can't handle you having an autistic child then you should move on. I have a friend that has one, and she has told me that they require more attention than a child that isn't autistic. Don't invest anymore time and energy into this women. You and I know that our child will always come first. I'm a father too, and I know what it's like to be a dad. Having an autistic child is harder from what I've learned from my friend. Does she even have kids? That's pretty sad that she was embarrassed by your son. To be honest I can't stand people that are like this. 3
KathyM Posted March 1, 2013 Posted March 1, 2013 Give her time. She's trying to decide if she is up to handling a special needs child, and she is not sure. She obviously loves and cares about you, but she is keeping her emotions somewhat in check and not fully investing in the relationship until she figures out if this is something she's up to dealing with. Nothing you can do to hurry up the process, really. 10
pbjbear Posted March 1, 2013 Posted March 1, 2013 If your title is the truth then you dodged a bullet 2
Author Tryinagain Posted March 1, 2013 Author Posted March 1, 2013 No way! I haven't nor will ever choose a woman over my son! He is my life! If that's how my post read then maybe I should delete!! As for my son. He is non verbal and 90% of the time has a smile on his face. I have told her that she needs to decide and let me know. My question or what do I do? I love her. Not more than my son as I have stayed. He will always be here and in my life...period. As for her, yes I do understand her not knowing if she could handle it. It is a lot to handle if you have never been around a special needs person. I bathe him, change his diaper, fees him basically wait on him hand and foot. Have all of his life and wouldn't want it any other way. God gave him to me and his mom and he has always been a blessing to us. I just do not know what to do about her. I'm getting mixed signals. She wants me around she wants to talk she says she wants to work this out. She says she wants to try. What do I do. Do I continue telling her I love her? Do I call or just wait on her. When she does call we have great conversation. She is making plans for us next weekend when he is with his mom. Do I tell her to kiss it? Do I build a relationship with someone I love that is based on every other week? 3
Toddbt12y1 Posted March 1, 2013 Posted March 1, 2013 Don't delete the thread over a simple mis-understanding. I apologize, and am sorry. It did come off that way to me, but I am also super tired. She shouldn't be embarrased over your son; but it cannot be helped. Follow the advice given by, I think, Kathy? It sounds spoton... She must love you and the choices seem hard. Anyway, I am truly sorry. I am glad you love him; he is so special. 4
Author Tryinagain Posted March 1, 2013 Author Posted March 1, 2013 @Kathy- you nailed it. That is what she said to me. I guess I'm just not patient. I miss hearing from her. I miss having someone to share with. @ sox...sorry new to this and can't remember the rest of your name. Ha! She did not say she was embarrassed of my son. She was embarrassed that she felt this way. Like she couldn't handle it. Sorry if my original post read the other way. 1
Eternal Sunshine Posted March 1, 2013 Posted March 1, 2013 This kind of situation makes me sad. People really leave the person they love because he has a disabled son? That type of thinking/actions is something beyond the scope of my understanding. 1
Soxfaninfl Posted March 1, 2013 Posted March 1, 2013 No way! I haven't nor will ever choose a woman over my son! He is my life! If that's how my post read then maybe I should delete!! As for my son. He is non verbal and 90% of the time has a smile on his face. I have told her that she needs to decide and let me know. My question or what do I do? I love her. Not more than my son as I have stayed. He will always be here and in my life...period. As for her, yes I do understand her not knowing if she could handle it. It is a lot to handle if you have never been around a special needs person. I bathe him, change his diaper, fees him basically wait on him hand and foot. Have all of his life and wouldn't want it any other way. God gave him to me and his mom and he has always been a blessing to us. I just do not know what to do about her. I'm getting mixed signals. She wants me around she wants to talk she says she wants to work this out. She says she wants to try. What do I do. Do I continue telling her I love her? Do I call or just wait on her. When she does call we have great conversation. She is making plans for us next weekend when he is with his mom. Do I tell her to kiss it? Do I build a relationship with someone I love that is based on every other week? I would wait for her to decide, but she can't continue to string you along. I wouldn't make any plans until she decides. She needs to understand that he's always going to be with you for the rest of your life. What is there to work out lol? You can't change your situation. She either accepts it or leaves it. I know that you love her, but you can always find someone else that is accepting of your son. 2
Author Tryinagain Posted March 1, 2013 Author Posted March 1, 2013 Agreed soxfaninfl! I guess it the whole situation just ticks me off. I finally for the first time let my guard down and it hurts. Ha! That doesn't sound very manly I guess. But it does. Just don't want to be alone in life when the children are gone. 1
Eternal Sunshine Posted March 1, 2013 Posted March 1, 2013 People leave relationships when able-bodied children are involved. They have that right. Parenthood, or even step-parenthood, isn't for everyone. It's a legitimate deal breaker, regardless of the mental status of the children. People shouldn't get involved in relationships in the first place if children are a deal breaker. I can't imagine falling in love with someone and then leaving him over that. I realize that I am very different in the way I think from the rest of the human race, so just put it down to me being weird. 3
Soxfaninfl Posted March 1, 2013 Posted March 1, 2013 (edited) Tryinagain, I'm going thru the same situation. I'm divorced and was married for 11 years. I'm trying to find someone too. I don't want to be alone especially after my son is grown. My wife left me, and I have a 9 year old son who is my world. I have my son every other week like you. I have dated three girls since my split (non with kids) from my ex, and the last one I just broke up with didn't have kids. She wanted kids, but she wasn't very accepting or compassionate about the issues I was dealing with as a father. I feel she wouldn't have been a good mother now that I think about it. She was jealous of the attention I would give him some times and told me she didn't want to be second fiddle to nobody. I never told her this, but my son will always come first. I never told her this because I didn't want to hurt her feelings, but you and I know this will always be the case. A women with children will understand this. She was the first women I had introduced to my son to since my ex wife left me three years ago. I feel it's better to date women with children or have had children going forward. They understand what you and I go through as parents. Edited March 1, 2013 by Soxfaninfl 1
Leigh 87 Posted March 1, 2013 Posted March 1, 2013 My cousin is autistic, and I watched a documentary on it and have seen a small glimps of the hell it can bring to some families; if they do not have a highly paid job, or have a partner and hence a joint income, they cannot afford to adequately care for their autistic children at all.... It takes a person with compassion, a lot of compassion, to deal with a person who is very different.. Austictic people say strange things and act in strange ways, that ignorant or ... weak willed people would not battle to understand or deal with. Personally, I would not let a disabled, not even a severely disabled child, get in the way if I truly loved a guy. I would strive to help make his life easier for him if I really loved him.... If I had too much trouble with his son, I would still try to help, but I would just allow myself some days off from dealing with his son; I would say: " look, I love you and I want to be around you and your son; he is part of you and I can deal with that, however; I would like to have one night a week or thereabouts, just the two of us together, not having to deal with your son. While I am happy to deal with the whole package, aka, you and your son, it would be nice to not have my hands so full with an autsitic child every day I am with you". ...I would want to work myself up to dealing with the child if I really loved a guy... I would probably hold off moving in with him, until I would see a definate long term future with him. That is just me! I would definately deal with the child, happy, but untilw e moved in together, I would request that I do get a break from dealing with the child.... The way I see it: until we are married or in a long term, serious relationship whereby we live together, the child is frankly, not my problem; I would help him and be around his son, but until we are serious, I would like a break from his son once in a while, I should not have to take on that burden full time until we ARE in a full time relationship. 1
Soxfaninfl Posted March 1, 2013 Posted March 1, 2013 Tryinagain, how come you ended up divorced? 24 years is a long time. I thought once you hit the 20 year mark you be togethet forever, but it doesn't seem to be the case anymore.
Estate Posted March 1, 2013 Posted March 1, 2013 I was married 24 years and have been divorced 4 years. I finally decided to let the walls down and met someone 4 months ago. We have clicked since day one. Learning from mistakes I made in my marriage I made a point to be up front with her about everything. We went on dates. Texted each other on and off all day everyday. She called every night before going to bed. After about a month she came over and met my son. I had already told her about him. He is autistic. Everything went great. She came over several times since when he was here and all was good. About month two she told me she loved me. Honestly I had been hoping but I would not say it first. As a matter of fact I didn't tell her that night but did the next night when she called. Two months is not long but we had both fallen in love. Then that Saturday night rolled around. My son was here and his sitter was getting off at 6 p. m. She called and said that her family was celebrating something special and wanted me to be there. Of course I wanted to go. I told her my sons sitter was off so if I came he would be with me. She says well bring him..that is fine with me. Her family had never met him but they were awesome. Talked to him loved on him everything. She didn't speak ten words to me. After two hours I made an excuse and we left. She walked us out told me she loved me and have me a kiss. The next two days she was quite. Finally I called an asked what's going on. She admitted that she was embarrassed but when we walked in Friday night reality sit in and she didn't know if she could handle it. To me that proves she loves me and was thinking long term. I understand her concern and told her that I wasn't upset. She said she didn't want to lose me but didn't know what to do. She said she needed time to think. I left her alone for two days then she called. She told me she wanted to try and work it out and did not want to lose me. We have been on a date or two since. She has invited me over to her house. All of course when my son is not here. That is fine and actually how we had been handling the relationship. He has to come first but I do feel like its ok, if I have a sitter here, to go see her. Honestly I desire a relationship. Someone to talk to and share my day or feelings with. Exactly what we had. But now she never tells me she loves me. Hardly ever text. Still calls most nights before going to bed. We talk, we laugh and she did tell me she loves me last night. Today she hasn't had time for me. I am confused. I am hurting and I am lonely. I don't want to lose her!! What do I do??????? She obviously likes you a lot. But maybe try to think rationally. Your son comes first. Part of her might just feel overwhelmed and not know if she has the ability to care for your son too. It could be a big change in lifestyle for her. It doesn't make her a bad person. She's thinking of you and your son and you deserve to be with someone who can really accept this lifestyle and be able to do her utmost best. Maybe she doesn't know if she is up to it. She's probably thinking of you and your son and as much as it hurts now, maybe the right thing to do is end it if she just can't commit to the lifestyle she is getting into. It doesn't make anyone wrong or bad or anything... I'm sure she loves you both and I hope whatever happens everything works out well in the long term.
KraftDinner Posted March 1, 2013 Posted March 1, 2013 The fact that she's giving things so much thought tells me that she takes things seriously. I feel like she could very likely come back to you. And when she does, you'll know she's committed because she's honest and trustworthy. It's those who rush into something like that blindly that are likely to bolt. 2
Author Tryinagain Posted March 1, 2013 Author Posted March 1, 2013 Soxfaninfl. She found greener grass.
Author Tryinagain Posted March 1, 2013 Author Posted March 1, 2013 The fact that she's giving things so much thought tells me that she takes things seriously. I feel like she could very likely come back to you. And when she does, you'll know she's committed because she's honest and trustworthy. It's those who rush into something like that blindly that are likely to bolt. I agree with that Kraftdinner. I do respect her honesty! Yes, raising a disabled child is difficult and life changing but man he is a super blessing to me! 2
Author Tryinagain Posted March 1, 2013 Author Posted March 1, 2013 My cousin is autistic, and I watched a documentary on it and have seen a small glimps of the hell it can bring to some families; if they do not have a highly paid job, or have a partner and hence a joint income, they cannot afford to adequately care for their autistic children at all.... It takes a person with compassion, a lot of compassion, to deal with a person who is very different.. Austictic people say strange things and act in strange ways, that ignorant or ... weak willed people would not battle to understand or deal with. Personally, I would not let a disabled, not even a severely disabled child, get in the way if I truly loved a guy. I would strive to help make his life easier for him if I really loved him.... If I had too much trouble with his son, I would still try to help, but I would just allow myself some days off from dealing with his son; I would say: " look, I love you and I want to be around you and your son; he is part of you and I can deal with that, however; I would like to have one night a week or thereabouts, just the two of us together, not having to deal with your son. While I am happy to deal with the whole package, aka, you and your son, it would be nice to not have my hands so full with an autsitic child every day I am with you". ...I would want to work myself up to dealing with the child if I really loved a guy... I would probably hold off moving in with him, until I would see a definate long term future with him. That is just me! I would definately deal with the child, happy, but untilw e moved in together, I would request that I do get a break from dealing with the child.... The way I see it: until we are married or in a long term, serious relationship whereby we live together, the child is frankly, not my problem; I would help him and be around his son, but until we are serious, I would like a break from his son once in a while, I should not have to take on that burden full time until we ARE in a full time relationship. Leigh you are correct! He is not her problem. That is what I told her. If we did wind up married I would never expect her to feed, bathe or any of those things. That is MY responsibility. Believe me guys I understand what she is saying I just feel like now I am being strung along because she doesn't want to hurt me. I know by her actions and honesty she cares for me very much!
Soxfaninfl Posted March 1, 2013 Posted March 1, 2013 Soxfaninfl. She found greener grass. I'm sorry to hear that! Same here with my ex wife. The consolation prizes for us is we have our children. 2
StanMusial Posted March 1, 2013 Posted March 1, 2013 Sometimes we don't understand the hardship and difficulties presented by certain situations until reality slaps us in the face, punches us in the gut, breaks a beer bottle on our head then spins us around and kicks us in the ass so hard we fly across the room. The best intentions mean nothing until you see how someone handles what life dishes. 4
Author Tryinagain Posted March 1, 2013 Author Posted March 1, 2013 (edited) I'm sorry to hear that! Same here with my ex wife. The consolation prizes for us is we have our children. Yep! It sucked the life out of me! But you are correct! I would do anything for my children! Of course she married the guy one month after the divorce was final. She has one week with the children and one free. Starting to seem to me that I have one week with the children and the other week trying to find a woman that will accept him. Oh well. It is what it is. Haha! I have my son and that's good enough! Edited March 1, 2013 by Tryinagain
ChatroomHero Posted March 1, 2013 Posted March 1, 2013 Sometimes we don't understand the hardship and difficulties presented by certain situations until reality slaps us in the face, punches us in the gut, breaks a beer bottle on our head then spins us around and kicks us in the ass so hard we fly across the room. The best intentions mean nothing until you see how someone handles what life dishes. You have to consider too that it probably just wasn't that he was autistic, but that you had a kid that would always be around. It's one thing to meet someone and get to know them and it's just the 2 of you but when you later introduce a kid into your activities it changes the dynamic a lot and if she doesn't have kids it probably hit her that most of your activities going forward would include him and the fun you have now would change and things would be vastly different than when she was getting to know you and just you. You point out that your son is autistic like that was the reason but I wonder if the real reason was that a kid, any kid, changed the dynamic for her, not the fact that he is autistic. 3
Soxfaninfl Posted March 1, 2013 Posted March 1, 2013 Yep! It sucked the life out of me! But you are correct! I would do anything for my children! Of course she married the guy one month after the divorce was final. She has one week with the children and one free. Starting to seem to me that I have one week with the children and the other week trying to find a woman that will accept him. Oh well. It is what it is. Haha! I have my son and that's good enough! Believe me I know how you feel. I still see a counselor from time to time. The pain was so much for me at times that I wanted god to take me. The sad part is I still miss her and love her. I wish I could not feel anything for her anymore, but my heart won't let me. What kept me going is the love my son has for me and the love I have for him. Yeah, I spend very other week trying to find a new love. Some women don't even want to date me because I have a child and I'm divorced. I know I don't have it as hard as you, but it's still hard.
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