ltjg45 Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 Asking for a credit score is just another way of verifying that he is who he says he is. I'm happy to offer mine, so it should be no big deal. And what would you do is the guy tells you first-hand that his credit score is pretty bad and he is working to correct that? Are you going to turn him down because he doesn't have a good score now?
Author RedRobin Posted March 4, 2013 Author Posted March 4, 2013 And what would you do is the guy tells you first-hand that his credit score is pretty bad and he is working to correct that? Are you going to turn him down because he doesn't have a good score now? For romance, unfortunately, the answer would be no. We could still be friends though. Or he could give me a call after things have improved. His choice.
ltjg45 Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 If you ask for a credit score you would weed out most of these potential relationships with losers, which does indeed result in less dating opportunities. And she is perfectly fine with it. In fact, I would agree with the idea behind it. The problem is that, by doing that, she also eliminated decent guys that may be a suitable fit for her. There is ways to eliminate losers while not eliminating the same decent guys that would value commitment. No one's perfect. As to why my credit score is bad? I did so just to help out my family financially and I made a mistake when choosing college. I now have a default school loan and 2 locked up credit cards despite I have no desire to keep it that way. Does this make me a bad person? I personally don't think so. I wouldn't dump a female because of a bad credit score because that can be cleared up with time and effort esp. if there is a legit reason why that happened or you simply made an error and you accept responsibility for that. There is far other red flags to be concerned about than this. Now, if he isn't making an effort to fix it, I can understand that.....
Author RedRobin Posted March 4, 2013 Author Posted March 4, 2013 Apart from the fact that it is plain weird to ask for it, it might relate to your issue, OP. From my rather limited experience, it seems like many girls are dating losers, but don't want to see it until after the relationship. Think about it, how often do you hear a girl talk about her ex and say he was such a loser? More than likely she knew he was a loser in the beginning of the relationship, but she chose to ignore it because her brain sent her an overload of chemicals called "love". If you ask for a credit score you would weed out most of these potential relationships with losers, which does indeed result in less dating opportunities. Precisely! ... but I wouldn't call them losers. I'd say they aren't qualified to date me just yet. I have lots of reasons for this. Partly because I don't need a project and partly because they would resent being one. Best to let them go work it out. Then, once they get on their feet, then maybe we can discuss.
Sanitarium Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 Precisely! ... but I wouldn't call them losers. I'd say they aren't qualified to date me just yet. I have lots of reasons for this. Partly because I don't need a project and partly because they would resent being one. Best to let them go work it out. Then, once they get on their feet, then maybe we can discuss. "not qualified to date me" LOL Boy oh boy, the stuff you say is like a caricature of women's extreme pickiness when it comes to dating
xxoo Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 For romance, unfortunately, the answer would be no. We could still be friends though. Or he could give me a call after things have improved. His choice. He's the same person, before or after. A man might ask how well you would stand with a husband who goes through tough times.
ltjg45 Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 "not qualified to date me" LOL Boy oh boy, the stuff you say is like a caricature of women's extreme pickiness when it comes to dating Leave her be. I may not fully agree with the way she handles dating but I can respect why she does it that way.
Author RedRobin Posted March 4, 2013 Author Posted March 4, 2013 (edited) He's the same person, before or after. A man might ask how well you would stand with a husband who goes through tough times. No. he's not the same person, in some pretty important ways that he will feel and will affect their relationship sooner or later. ... and I should mention that men with those issues are not more likely to be honest, be faithful, or be willing to commit any more than those without those issues. Women need to understand this and think long and hard about their reasons for investing in men with the issues I mentioned. My advice is take it on as volunteer work or don't do it at all... ... and honestly.... I have lots of volunteer opportunities that don't require that level of emotional investment or risk taking... and provide a lot more impact for more people than trying to help ONE guy I hardly know out of his personal situation. Edited March 4, 2013 by RedRobin
Author RedRobin Posted March 4, 2013 Author Posted March 4, 2013 Leave her be. I may not fully agree with the way she handles dating but I can respect why she does it that way. Thank you. Good luck with everything. I don't know if you listen to NPR much, but there is a really good show that talks about money management that is called "Marketplace Money." You can probably live stream it from their website if you are interested.
Author RedRobin Posted March 4, 2013 Author Posted March 4, 2013 Diplomacy is about managing self interest since a party/nation is only out for themselves but both can't have what they want. Two people arguing are not much different than two nations arguing. Both have needs that are trying to get met and feel the other person/party is not meeting... or they are trying to find a way where both parties needs can be met. Here is the definition from Merriam Webster Definition of DIPLOMACY 1 : the art and practice of conducting negotiations between nations 2 : skill in handling affairs without arousing hostility : tact Men and women in a relationship are not warring states. They are when they are in conflict. Diplomacy has nothing to do with resolving conflicts in a loving relationship. In a relationship, you care for each other and your love motivates you to give of your self in a way you wouldn't for others. This is since you actually feel for the person you are in a conflict with. ... and if one person is doing all the giving, then resentment will build. Every major discussion should be approached with the attitude that a solution can be found that BOTH people can enthusiastically support. Not one where one person sacrifices and the other humbly obliges. Sure, it is more work... but that is the only way I can think of to avoid feeling either taken advantage of or that the other person is being trod upon. Trust is not a product of him living up to his end of the compromise or agreement but is born out of the love you share. Baloney. If your promise has no meaning, then you are not to be trusted. If you feel can't hold up your end of the agreement or compromise the way it was originally presented, then continue talking until you do... or just don't make an agreement at all. But saying you have an agreement, then going back on it breaks trust.
Author RedRobin Posted March 4, 2013 Author Posted March 4, 2013 (edited) There is more to the trust part than that. It also requires leaving all the baggage about "men" or "women" at the door and giving your partner the benefit of the doubt. It goes both ways. A lot of women's communication is dismissed as "nagging" because the guy has baggage and views it that way. Men's is dismissed as "bossing". Successful couples cut through all that crap and trust each other enough to really listen and work it out. Resolving conflict takes mutual selflessness. Ideally, both partners are putting the other first. My H and I have arguments about who will do the dishes, both pushing the other out of the kitchen Since I wasn't raised to adhere to traditional gender roles, I have no problems leaving the baggage about 'men' and 'women' at the door. I have never, not once, been accused of nagging. So, if a man (or any person) comes at me bossing me around, it isn't going to go over well... unless I'm paid to put up with it... and that is a different discussion. Edited March 4, 2013 by RedRobin
Author RedRobin Posted March 4, 2013 Author Posted March 4, 2013 Yet you are no longer taking any. You aren't fully taking their example in its entirety to heart. That's okay. I'm in the middle of developing an algorithm to "credit check" his love so you don't have to. Should I date and marry him for you too? Not true. I only take risks on men who are actively looking for a committed relationship leading to marriage and willing to take the actions to prove it. My mom wouldn't have dated my dad if he told her, "how about we just sleep together for awhile, maybe live together, have a couple of kids, THEN I'll think about getting married" Nope. ... but that is what people pass off as 'commitment' these days. Sorry. I'm not the weak link here.
Author RedRobin Posted March 4, 2013 Author Posted March 4, 2013 (edited) Gold Star for Ruby, she for sure gets it. Ruby enjoys 'bossy' men. oh, hey guys on the "I gotta be the boss" train on this thread... Notice that hasn't helped her either. She's never even been married... so I guess she doesn't 'get it' so well after all. But hey... maybe you two should get together. You like being bossy. She likes being bossed around. Perfect. Edited March 4, 2013 by RedRobin
xxoo Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 Two people arguing are not much different than two nations arguing. Both have needs that are trying to get met and feel the other person/party is not meeting... or they are trying to find a way where both parties needs can be met. Two partners arguing is extremely different, because they should love each other and want the best for each other--not just for themselves. The marriage comes before the self.
Els Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 Eh, RR, you may not agree with this, but I really don't think someone's debt or lack thereof thing is a question that you'll find to your benefit to just pop in the initial meeting (or three). It's like... asking how many people he/she has had sex with and whom. Both will come out in time but if you try to jump the gun for the sake of 'filtering' and 'saving time', you'll probably find that you waste more time than you save, solely because most people would rightly be put off by either of these two questions at an early date. It gives off a very consumerist vibe, honestly. You are perfectly able to get a good gauge of someone's debt and/or spending habits if you just spend a little time with them. Which is frankly not too much to invest. Either way, this way just isn't working for you so what's there to lose? 3
xxoo Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 No. he's not the same person, in some pretty important ways that he will feel and will affect their relationship sooner or later. He is the same person. Either he is a hardworking, responsible person who fell upon hard times (there but for the grace of god....). If so, he'll probably clean up his score, but he won't be a different person. Or he is irresponsible with finances. Either way, he is who he is. The former doesn't change to a different person when he cleans up his credit score. He always was that person. 1
Author RedRobin Posted March 4, 2013 Author Posted March 4, 2013 Eh, RR, you may not agree with this, but I really don't think someone's debt or lack thereof thing is a question that you'll find to your benefit to just pop in the initial meeting (or three). It's like... asking how many people he/she has had sex with and whom. Both will come out in time but if you try to jump the gun for the sake of 'filtering' and 'saving time', you'll probably find that you waste more time than you save, solely because most people would rightly be put off by either of these two questions at an early date. It gives off a very consumerist vibe, honestly. You are perfectly able to get a good gauge of someone's debt and/or spending habits if you just spend a little time with them. Which is frankly not too much to invest. Either way, this way just isn't working for you so what's there to lose? This isn't something I'd ask of strangers. It is something I'd expect before having sex with them. Since I don't date strangers, and I'm certainly not having sex with them within a few dates, it doesn't seem unreasonable to me at all.
Els Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 This isn't something I'd ask of strangers. It is something I'd expect before having sex with them. Well.... that depends on when you're having sex, I guess. Also probably depends on the manner in which you ask. Actually, I can't think of ANY nice way to ask this. Maybe if you really, really want to know before having sex, just give it a couple of months before you have sex? That should be enough to get a rough idea. I don't think you should need a certified credit check if you're not getting married or joining finances, and by that time you should definitely know the person's habits with or without credit check. Edit: Oops, just saw your edit.
Author RedRobin Posted March 4, 2013 Author Posted March 4, 2013 I imagine the confusion about the credit score and STD tests comes from people who expect be having sex with a stranger whose name and age they happen to know before the third 'date'... as that is the extent of their screening process. Oh, they are attracted to them and they have fun. Forgot. Because knowing someone's name and age and being attracted to them and having fun are the things that are really important information that will help you screen out all kinds of losers... like INSTANTLY. ... and since we're all supposed to be psychic, we are supposed to know if the guy is a loser by telepathy before the third date. Sorry... if I want to take those kinds of risks, all I need to do is buy a box of condoms, and go pick up the hottest, richest guy I can find (preferably married, because he has something to lose) and who won't kill me... oh, and whose personality I can stomach long enough to have sex with. Single guys (at least the ones on this thread)... That's your 'competition'...
Imported Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 (edited) Eh, RR, you may not agree with this, but I really don't think someone's debt or lack thereof thing is a question that you'll find to your benefit to just pop in the initial meeting (or three). It's like... asking how many people he/she has had sex with and whom. Both will come out in time but if you try to jump the gun for the sake of 'filtering' and 'saving time', you'll probably find that you waste more time than you save, solely because most people would rightly be put off by either of these two questions ...... Some girl behave like that towards me on a date, I'd finish my meal, ask for the check and tell them to separate the bill. See her safely to where ever I got her from, tell her to have a nice life and be on my way. I have nothing to hide financially, but it was a date, not a marriage interview. She assumes too much. I don't do marriage interviews. No guy does unless they are desperate. We date, get to know her, fall in love and so on. Edited March 4, 2013 by Imported 3
Author RedRobin Posted March 4, 2013 Author Posted March 4, 2013 He is the same person. Either he is a hardworking, responsible person who fell upon hard times (there but for the grace of god....). If so, he'll probably clean up his score, but he won't be a different person. Or he is irresponsible with finances. Either way, he is who he is. The former doesn't change to a different person when he cleans up his credit score. He always was that person. The hardworking, responsible person shouldn't mind being friends or calling me back once he gets back on his feet. During rough times in my life, I don't seek out dating opportunities so I can use them as an emotional crutch.
Els Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 I imagine the confusion about the credit score and STD tests comes from people who expect be having sex with a stranger whose name and age they happen to know before the third 'date'... as that is the extent of their screening process. Oh, they are attracted to them and they have fun. Forgot. Because knowing someone's name and age and being attracted to them and having fun are the things that are really important information that will help you screen out all kinds of losers... like INSTANTLY. You've really missed out on something here. It isn't a military entrance criteria and it isn't a job interview for google (which is, actually, much more informal and nice). Dating IS supposed to be about getting to know each other. That does not usually involve a credit score check or a list of all your previous partners. I also don't see how people who have sex early on are somehow not 'clued in' to the credit score phenomenon? I have sex much later than you do and I'm still not clued in. 2
xxoo Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 The hardworking, responsible person shouldn't mind being friends or calling me back once he gets back on his feet. During rough times in my life, I don't seek out dating opportunities so I can use them as an emotional crutch. By then, he will be married to a sweet woman who saw his heart despite his credit score. 3
Author RedRobin Posted March 4, 2013 Author Posted March 4, 2013 You've really missed out on something here. It isn't a military entrance criteria and it isn't a job interview for google (which is, actually, much more informal and nice). Dating IS supposed to be about getting to know each other. That does not usually involve a credit score check or a list of all your previous partners. I also don't see how people who have sex early on are somehow not 'clued in' to the credit score phenomenon? I have sex much later than you do and I'm still not clued in. I never said I needed a list of their previous partners. I don't ask questions about things that can't be verified. That is what solid social networks are for...
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