RedRobin Posted March 1, 2013 Posted March 1, 2013 (edited) So I tried to post this before... but it came out all garbled.. Thanks Gaius for helping with the edit. My main thought started with my dad emailing me today with the joke below. How it is so HIM to be sending me 'girl power' type stuff. Seeing how he and my mom are nearly 70, this is saying something. So, yea... I've got a dad who has been a great dad to me and my sis and wonderful husband to my mom for over 48 years. When my mom had breast cancer and was struggling with the decision to get reconstruction, he just hugged her and said he'd love her no matter what. He called her beautiful every day. To this day, they still hold hands and cuddle on the couch when we get together to watch TV or go for walks as a family. According to my mom, they still make love 2-3 times a week... sometimes more on weekends (did I say they are both 70?!). He never ditched my mom for a younger 'perfect' woman when he could have. He and my mom raised us to be self-sufficient and not take cr*p from guys... see, HIS father (my grandfather) was NOT a nice man. He wanted to make sure me and my sis never had to live through the hell that he, his three sisters, and mom had to live through because they couldn't fend for themselves. My dad was the first in his family to obtain a college education. I am the second. So yea, I think it is really hard for me to find someone because I have a vision of what real love looks like.... from my parents.... and they didn't raise me or my sister to adhere to traditional roles for women. Here is the email he sent me today... See, times are changing- Dad This is a good one for sure. _______________________________________ Great Female Humor! After you read the message about the pilots, please find time to read the quote of the day -- it is so perfect!! While the C-5 was turning over its engines, a female crewman gave the G.I.s on board the usual information regarding seat belts, emergency exits, etc. Finally, she said, 'Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to Afghanistan. An old Master Sergeant sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, 'Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman? ' When the attendant came by he said 'Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?' 'Yes,'! said the attendant, 'In fact, this entire crew is female.' 'MyGod,' he said, 'I wish I had two double scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think with only women up there in the cockpit.' 'That's another thing, Sergeant,' said the crew member, 'We No Longer Call It The Cockpit' 'It's The Box Office. 'Quote of the day:" Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of ****." Women are Angels. And when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly..usually on a broomstick. We are flexible like that. Edited March 1, 2013 by RedRobin
Soxfaninfl Posted March 1, 2013 Posted March 1, 2013 (edited) Your dad is a great man! I too have a great father. My dad has also stuck by my mother for over 40 years. He hasn't been perfect, but has been a good father to my sister and I. My mom can be difficult at times and has gone thru severe depression and, but he still loves her very much and has stuck by her. My dad was also very supportive when my wife left me. That joke was funny calling it the box office. Edited March 1, 2013 by Soxfaninfl
Author RedRobin Posted March 1, 2013 Author Posted March 1, 2013 Your dad is a great man! I too have a great father. My dad has also stuck by my mother for over 40 years. He hasn't been perfect, but has been a good father to my sister and I. My mom can be difficult at times and has gone thru severe depression and, but he still loves her very much and has stuck by her. My dad was also very supportive when my wife left me. That joke was funny calling it the box office. Well, neither of my parents are perfect. Not by a long shot. They have gone through tough periods in their marriage. They went through a period of separation shortly after I graduated from high school, in fact. Glad to hear another long-time-married story! Thanks! Glad you liked the joke
Soxfaninfl Posted March 1, 2013 Posted March 1, 2013 Well, neither of my parents are perfect. Not by a long shot. They have gone through tough periods in their marriage. They went through a period of separation shortly after I graduated from high school, in fact. Glad to hear another long-time-married story! Thanks! Glad you liked the joke My parents went thru three separations. My mom wanted them, but they always got back together. It's nice to know that some couples stay together for a long time like mine and yours. I'm losing faith that I kind find what our parents have, but I'm still hopeful I can find another wife to spend the rest of my life with.
hppr Posted March 1, 2013 Posted March 1, 2013 The reason you're having problems is you're letting your brain get in the way.
gaius Posted March 1, 2013 Posted March 1, 2013 I was going to say earlier that your mom sounds like a special woman too. I've run across a few guys that show the loyalty and mushiness your dad does and they get disrespected and cheated on. I wonder what changed? Seems like one partner is always more into it than the other these days. 2
xxoo Posted March 1, 2013 Posted March 1, 2013 Is your sister married? My parents are a lot like your parents
Soxfaninfl Posted March 1, 2013 Posted March 1, 2013 I've run across a few guys that show the loyalty and mushiness your dad does and they get disrespected and cheated on. I wonder what changed? Seems like one partner is always more into it than the other these days. God this is so true in my situation. I was always by my wife's side during her health issues and in and out of the hospital because we thought she had cancer. She turned out to have an incurable bone infection that are managed but continue to reoccur. She quit on our marriage and left me for another man. 1
ChessPieceFace Posted March 1, 2013 Posted March 1, 2013 (edited) If you keep the attitude you showed in your OP, I doubt you will have success. Just like "modern feminism" you've crossed the line from self-esteem well into man-bashing. Half the stuff you posted is thinly-veiled threats against men. I'm sorry your father encourages that behavior. When I see a woman posting stuff like you posted, I immediately move on. Keep telling yourself that's because something is wrong with me, because I KNOW that's what you tell yourself. But in reality, it's because I won't stand for MY gender being abused and belittled any more than you should. Working relationships are about respect. If you keep your disrespectful attitude towards men your relationships won't work. You'll drive away men like me who would respect a good woman, but demand respect in return. Respect works both ways. Learn how to display some. Edited March 1, 2013 by ChessPieceFace
Eternal Sunshine Posted March 1, 2013 Posted March 1, 2013 Oh I love your dad. See my signature My parents have little common and have also been through many tough times (pretty much everything imaginable) - but they always had deep love. There was never any doubt about that. Neither of them "settled", neither ever cheated, they gave their lives to their children and were genuinely kind people to everyone. All my relationships have been subpar to that. 2
xxoo Posted March 1, 2013 Posted March 1, 2013 How does having great role models make it harder? I always considered it a huge advantage. 3
ltjg45 Posted March 1, 2013 Posted March 1, 2013 How does having great role models make it harder? I always considered it a huge advantage. It is only because her standards in dating ended up being higher than everyone else. Due to this, she may not find anyone capable of meeting her standards who also happen to be single. I should know, by experience, that very few men total, regardless of what is attractive to her, will meet her standards. Subtract some due to her dating preferences and odds is severely working against her. Which leads the female in question to either settle with someone or accept remaining to be single. I'm sure she is fine being single if it has to come to that, from the way she posts. Still, it will bother her in the long run. If it does, I can't blame her. I'm afraid of that myself. 2
xxoo Posted March 1, 2013 Posted March 1, 2013 It is only because her standards in dating ended up being higher than everyone else. Due to this, she may not find anyone capable of meeting her standards who also happen to be single. If the standard is love and respect, it can not be too high. I feel that having good role models (very similar to what the OP describes) was an advantage for my siblings and I when choosing mates. We knew what to look for, and also how to treasure it once we found it.
ltjg45 Posted March 1, 2013 Posted March 1, 2013 If the standard is love and respect, it can not be too high. I feel that having good role models (very similar to what the OP describes) was an advantage for my siblings and I when choosing mates. We knew what to look for, and also how to treasure it once we found it. Hence the problem. As any female who has dated constantly over the years, very few males is capable of love, respect, and commitment to any female, let alone her. If she has truly found someone capable of love and respect, she would be taken right now. Of course (and I'm not saying this just to be against her) this is not considering anything that the OP is doing that may be scaring away the males that she really wants. As they always say, "There is two sides to every coin."
outsidethebox Posted March 1, 2013 Posted March 1, 2013 I disagree. I think you would have love, respect, and commitment to RedRobin if the opportunity arose.
Author RedRobin Posted March 1, 2013 Author Posted March 1, 2013 I was going to say earlier that your mom sounds like a special woman too. I've run across a few guys that show the loyalty and mushiness your dad does and they get disrespected and cheated on. I wonder what changed? Seems like one partner is always more into it than the other these days. She is. When they were both young, they both struggled to reconcile what they learned from their parents with what they needed to do to make a healthy relationship. They have gone through many periods of falling out of 'love' and back in 'love'. Which, from a relative outsiders point of view, would have killed the very shallow pairings I see these days. My mother and her parents were very affectionate and loving... but pretty unconventional. Think hippie before being a hippie was cool. My dad, from a straightlaced Midwestern background, but unconventional in their own way too. They both shared the philosophy that it was better to stick with one person and work it out than start from scratch over and over. There were periods, for sure, where one was giving more than the other... but then things would shift and it would go the other way. I'd say they are about as close to 50/50 as I could imagine though.
ltjg45 Posted March 1, 2013 Posted March 1, 2013 I disagree. I think you would have love, respect, and commitment to RedRobin if the opportunity arose. That is provided the opportunity is given to me. If it was, then yes, I would give her love, respect, and commitment to RedRobin or to any female that I would get into a relationship with. Because that is who I am.
Els Posted March 1, 2013 Posted March 1, 2013 Your dad sounds like a great guy, RR . It is only because her standards in dating ended up being higher than everyone else. Due to this, she may not find anyone capable of meeting her standards who also happen to be single. That being said, I don't think having a great role model would necessarily relegate one to eternal singlehood. Like any other filter, it removes a lot of people from the potential field, but if the filter is good (as in this case) then it only removes the ones who wouldn't work out anyway. So you'd date less people, but it doesn't decrease the chance of you getting with someone whom you would actually have great potential with. Personally, I have needed to constantly remind myself NOT to follow my mom and dad. Not that my dad wasn't a good husband - he was! - but some of the things he did for my mom were completely unrelated to an egalitarian world. My mom is utterly and completely helpless in any area that is remotely 'male' despite being physically and mentally healthy, and he allowed it to drag on by pandering to her whims. Sometimes we do need to move with the times, despite old traditions working for our parents. I don't think this necessarily relates to the OP's situation though.
Author RedRobin Posted March 1, 2013 Author Posted March 1, 2013 If you keep the attitude you showed in your OP, I doubt you will have success. Just like "modern feminism" you've crossed the line from self-esteem well into man-bashing. Half the stuff you posted is thinly-veiled threats against men. I'm sorry your father encourages that behavior. When I see a woman posting stuff like you posted, I immediately move on. Keep telling yourself that's because something is wrong with me, because I KNOW that's what you tell yourself. But in reality, it's because I won't stand for MY gender being abused and belittled any more than you should. Working relationships are about respect. If you keep your disrespectful attitude towards men your relationships won't work. You'll drive away men like me who would respect a good woman, but demand respect in return. Respect works both ways. Learn how to display some. I'm happy to drive away men who think they can 'demand' anything. You can't demand shyte... I think it is hilarious that you think you can. I see no veiled 'threats' in the above... except the 'threat' that a woman pilot can fly a guy to Afghanistan. ooo! scary! Your gender has done plenty to abuse ITSELF. I'd suggest you do some volunteer work to help young boys and men break that cycle (like I have) before you start telling me what to display... 2
Author RedRobin Posted March 1, 2013 Author Posted March 1, 2013 How does having great role models make it harder? I always considered it a huge advantage. It is a huge advantage that we probably won't end up in situations that are life threatening or disabling... and that when we do meet someone, things will likely be healthier. It is a disadvantage when, culturally, we don't 'fit' so well anymore... and it seems that so many people around don't support the conventions that have seen many members of my family through all kinds of life situations.
Author RedRobin Posted March 1, 2013 Author Posted March 1, 2013 Your dad sounds like a great guy, RR . That being said, I don't think having a great role model would necessarily relegate one to eternal singlehood. Like any other filter, it removes a lot of people from the potential field, but if the filter is good (as in this case) then it only removes the ones who wouldn't work out anyway. So you'd date less people, but it doesn't decrease the chance of you getting with someone whom you would actually have great potential with. Personally, I have needed to constantly remind myself NOT to follow my mom and dad. Not that my dad wasn't a good husband - he was! - but some of the things he did for my mom were completely unrelated to an egalitarian world. My mom is utterly and completely helpless in any area that is remotely 'male' despite being physically and mentally healthy, and he allowed it to drag on by pandering to her whims. Sometimes we do need to move with the times, despite old traditions working for our parents. I don't think this necessarily relates to the OP's situation though. thanks! He is! they both are I bolded the statement above as it pertains to my situation... I've tried to wrap my brain around the idea of commitment without marriage, as so many of the men I meet seem to feel is acceptable. After my divorce, I went through a period where I questioned commitment too... and was looking for other ways to relate. After many years of soul-searching though... and having dated a couple of guys who shared the no more marriage philosophy... well, I've come to the conclusion that is a cop-out and just one more fib told so they can get the benefits of commitment without any risk. Some would say the 'risk' is not worth it, I guess, have never had the role models I have. And that is my challenge.
joystickd Posted March 1, 2013 Posted March 1, 2013 thanks! He is! they both are I bolded the statement above as it pertains to my situation... I've tried to wrap my brain around the idea of commitment without marriage, as so many of the men I meet seem to feel is acceptable. After my divorce, I went through a period where I questioned commitment too... and was looking for other ways to relate. After many years of soul-searching though... and having dated a couple of guys who shared the no more marriage philosophy... well, I've come to the conclusion that is a cop-out and just one more fib told so they can get the benefits of commitment without any risk. Some would say the 'risk' is not worth it, I guess, have never had the role models I have. And that is my challenge. There are still a lot of men that want a marriage commitment. I know for me I had grandparents that were married 60+ years. Parents still married and they stayed together through some tough times. I know at some I wish I could get married but at this point I have given up hope of even having a relationship with someone. I'm just too tired of dealing with it. I know its the area I'm in. Rural areas suck for dating. The dating pool is small and full of jaded people. I think it has transformed me into one of them. Right now I'm just drained of the positive energy I once had for relationships and dating.
Author RedRobin Posted March 1, 2013 Author Posted March 1, 2013 I think it is best not to 'date' if it is having a degrading effect on you. If it makes it you feel better... I'm not 'dating' anymore. This doesn't mean I've given up on finding someone or that I'm not open to meeting new people. I'm just not doing the typical mating dance that a lot of people do. There are worse things than being 'alone'... and that would be allowing my soul and spirit be polluted and harmed by mean people. On the other hand... I must be doing something right... my friends and acquaintances keep wanting to set me up with their single friends. It is a pretty small dating pool around here... I might just have to dump everything I've worked for here to escape this personal 'quicksand'. I'm about ready to do something drastic to get out of here, because it really is affecting my overall mood and life, it seems. 2
joystickd Posted March 1, 2013 Posted March 1, 2013 I think it is best not to 'date' if it is having a degrading effect on you. If it makes it you feel better... I'm not 'dating' anymore. This doesn't mean I've given up on finding someone or that I'm not open to meeting new people. I'm just not doing the typical mating dance that a lot of people do. There are worse things than being 'alone'... and that would be allowing my soul and spirit be polluted and harmed by mean people. On the other hand... I must be doing something right... my friends and acquaintances keep wanting to set me up with their single friends. It is a pretty small dating pool around here... I might just have to dump everything I've worked for here to escape this personal 'quicksand'. I'm about ready to do something drastic to get out of here, because it really is affecting my overall mood and life, it seems. The only people that want to set me up are the female residents at my job.
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