Can I save my marriage after cheating?

[PgTurner]

I came across this site, and after reading some of the different threads I thought maybe someone out there can offer some solid advice. This is my very first time ever posting in a forum like this, so be gentle.

 

I have been married to my husband for 12 years. We have 3 amazing children, and have had a wonderful marriage, and until a little over 3 months ago, I would tell anyone that we were the happiest couple I knew.

 

Until about 3 months ago.... I cheated. It started off in a drunken stupor during a party at our house when my husband’s friend kissed me. Subsequently we began a texting (sexting) and chatting, and he told me all of the things that most any 40-something-year-old-woman-feeling-crappy-about-her-age would love to hear: that I was so beautiful, sexy, he’s secretly been in love with me for years, blah blah blah. I am ashamed to admit I completely got sucked into it, but after a couple of weeks I did realize how awful and wrong it was for me to be carrying on like that (and to be perfectly honest I was getting bored with the whole thing) and stopped. You’d think that would be it, no real harm done, nobody hurt, just learn and move on. But no. Another party, this time at the friends house, LOTS of alcohol, and we ended up in bed together with my husband in another room. Yes, he did catch us – not “in the act” but close enough. Just typing this, my shame is so overwhelming I can hardly breathe.

 

After many many tears and much remorse on my part, my husband did stay, albeit reluctantly. We have been to couples therapy several times, as well as both going on our own, and have spent endless hours talking about what happened. The results of counseling were basically that we needed to look at what might have been wrong in our marriage that would cause me to do such a despicable thing. Which I do have to say I believe somewhat – looking back I can see many little things that were lacking. Don’t get me wrong there is nothing that excuses what I did, but looking back now, I can see that I was a little unhappy, definitely in a rut, and apparently very vulnerable. In addition, over the years I’ve caught him in a few little online/texting romances, which I don’t believe amounted to anything, but were damaging nonetheless.

 

Over the last month or so things have been ok. We get along fine, and we don’t ever argue or fight, but its evident that neither of us is happy. He doesn’t treat me bad or mean or anything, he just treats me with indifference. We have stopped going to counseling at his request, so although we don’t seem to be getting any worse, we aren’t getting better either. I know that I messed up, and I am so desperately sorry. I would give anything in the world to change it, but I don’t have that super-power, and I don’t know if I can spend the rest of my life with a “roommate”. I am not a cheater! I made a mistake. A huge mistake. One that I’ve never before made and will never make again. But I still want and need to be loved and desired, and I can feel my love for him being slowly but surely killed a little more each day.

 

Has anyone out there recovered from something like this? I DO want to save our marriage, and even more than that our friendship and love. I miss my best friend and lover - I MISS MY HUSBAND! Is it possible for us to really get our love back? What can I do?

 

Hopefully I haven’t made this so long that everyone tuned out. I thank you, anonymous person(s), in advance for any advice you can give.

[fungusamungus]

There is really nothing you can do. He doesn't trust you and until he does, things cannot go back to being the way they were before you cheated. Only he can decide whether or not he can trust you again, and even if he wants to, he may not be able to.

 

It's easier for you to "go back to normal" than him because you are the one who makes decisions on what you do and you believe that you will not repeat your actions, but for him... it's impossible for him to see things the same way. He can't read your mind and because the trust is already broken, your word holds significantly less weight, if any, regardless of how sincere you are. And your actions, likewise, hold much less weight, if any, because you still cheated despite the years of commitment involved with being married with kids. If 12 years of a happy marriage and 3 kids aren't enough for you to stay faithful, then then what is? I'm not saying this to be judgmental, or to make you feel crappy, I'm giving you a perspective that he may be seeing things from.

 

I'm not sure what you can really do, the ball is basically in his court. And even if the marriage stays together, I'm not sure if things ever go back to being the same as they were before the incident. But that's just one person's opinion, he may be much more willing to forgive and move on than I am. Basically, all you can do is continue to do the best you can and hope is that he has enough faith in you to trust you enough to put himself back into the position where he is vulnerable to have the same thing happen again. If he is hurt enough that he cannot take that leap of faith, then I can't truthfully blame him. If he somehow does, then you need to thank your lucky stars because it takes a very rare heart to be able to do that.

Edited March 1, 2013 by fungusamungus

[Fallen Petals]

Right now everything is raw and new and fresh. It takes months to progress to the next phase of the process. The fact that he hasn't left is encouraging. Couples therapy and individual therapy would benefit you both. You can also spend some time on Marriagebuilders.com and find some good articles there...you can do some things to let him know you care, that you love him...maybe reach out to the "courting" phase again. When he walks in the door make a point to go greet him with a hug and a kiss, in general be interested in how his day was...never got a day without physical contact of some kind. Men need to feel appreciated and we sometimes get busy with the kids and our one track minds and let them go watch TV while we get this done, or honey help Johnny with homework while I make dinner?

 

I am not saying he shouldn't pull his weight - by all means he needs to help with the kids and also appreciate you - but we're not talking about what he should do, are we? We're talking about what YOU can do to make him fall in love with you again and begin to trust you. Complete transparency - leave your phone laying around and unlocked. If there is anything on there tell him before he would ever have a chance to see it - whether he looks or not really doesn't matter, but you're letting him know you don't care if he does and you're informing him of things in case he does as well. The only thing I kept private from my H after my A was my LS name....and once he tracked that down I got a new one. It's my personal therapy program, and the only thing I have for myself. My situation is changed now, all of my PWs and everything are locked down and he has no access to anything except the online records of my phone - which doesn't amount to much in this day of technology - but that's my marriage now. My marriage after the A 4 yrs ago when we were working on things - I hid nothing, I spoke openly to him about things, and I gave him cards and candies and cheesy gifts from each trip to the store to let him know I was thinking of him. I texted him dirty pictures and sent him dirty letters in the mail (truthfully I did that all of our marriage though) and I left him things on his pillow if I went out with the girls and knew he'd be going to bed or at least in our room before me.....you know your husband, what makes him smile and want you more??

[kamani]

You claim your marriage was happy till recently, but may be something huge was missing there. What made him have online romance? What made you cheat him with another man, why couldn’t you stop yourself? Have an open discussion and find out what each other needs, desires, and what you missed. Admit your mistake and request him to forgive, not only by words, by actions as well.

Like you I believed my marriage was happy till my husband confessed about cheating on me with men, for several years. Remember he won’t begin to trust you automatically, because you tell so, you have to work hard and earn it. You have to allow plenty of time and bear up with him, his mentality. He has eye witnessed the worst as a husband, before you confess, so it’s not going to be easy for him. I think you didn’t love the other man, make this clear.

I’ll tell you some points which helped my husband to make me trust him again and not to desert him and rebuild our marriage.

1. He answered all my questions and didn’t try to hide.

2. He listened to all my accusations, bore all my comments, blames silently. He said he can bear any comment, if it make my heart revealed.

3. I was so weak, couldn’t gather my mind to do anything, he did all the housework, looked after our kid.

4. He held me tightly towards him day and night during the period of grief.

5. He said he is so sure he wouldn’t do it again and emphasized the fact that he values me more than anything else and never loved anybody else. He showed this with his action.

6. On my request, he informed all those men that he will never contact them again changed his place of work.

7. He was extremely cautious on my complaints on physical illness and about my conduct, my safety etc.

8. When we were not at home, he made constant contact with him through IM, email, phone calls and SMS.

9. We talked romance, sex online.

10. He sent me romantic cards, took me out and arranged trips.

11. He made sex more romantic than ever before.

12. He covered me with blanket and brought water when I was sleeping.

13. He put off all other work to spend time with me and make me happy.

 

Good Luck.

[TaraMaiden]

He's stopped going to counselling.

He's acting 'indifferently'.

 

He is sooo not over it, and is continuing to let you know it - and punishing you for it.

 

You're putting in enough effort for the two of you - but to no avail, because no matter how hard you try, you cannot try FOR him.

 

And that word - "indifferent" - worries me.

 

It's often said that the opposite to 'Love' is not 'Hate' but 'Indifference'.

 

You LOVE your husband.

You want to save this marriage.

 

Does he Love you?

Does he want to save it?

Have you asked him?

Because you can't do this on your own.

 

And of course, the red flags are there, with regard to the dissatisfaction with the general state of the relationship.

 

Blame is specifically portioned.

You are to blame for this affair.

He is to blame for his actions on line.

 

You both clearly were not getting something from your relationship, that you both sought elsewhere.

 

However, Responsibility is clean-cut, straight-down-the-middle 50-50.

 

And you both failed to maintain and nourish your relationship adequately.

 

The thing is, it seems he's given up.

You need to confront him with painful questions.

Questions you need to ask, no matter what the response might be.

Questions that, no matter how uncomfortable, he needs to address and answer.

 

Is he still IN LOVE with you?

(Which is different to 'does he still love you?')

 

Does he want this marriage to continue?

[PgTurner]

First off, thank you so much for all of your replies ... even hearing (seeing) the hard facts does make it a little easier to know what path to take and gather the resolve to take the first step down it. I'll admit it was a little difficult to even reach out because I'm so ashamed, and thought I'd get blasted.

 

I'm definitely going to put aside some time for us this weekend and sit down and have a heart to heart about where he's at and if he believes that we can get past this, or if he really just wants to end the marriage (and hope we can end up friends!). God it sucks to even say that.

 

Thank you all again, I appreciate it.