MissIndependant Posted March 1, 2013 Posted March 1, 2013 Hi all, So this guy and I had met a few times at my work( he's friends with my boss). Just the usual "Hi Hows it going". One day while chatting to my boss I said I thought he was cute( I had a bf). And my boss accidently let it slip to the guy. BF (now ex) and I had been on again off again for 4 yrs. We were giving it a last shot and well.... Aust day long weekend came and BF was doing his own thing, I went to dinner and drinks for a girlfriends bday. Cute guy got my number and we organised to meet up at my friends place where we were having a few drinks and playing cards. Just to get to know each other in a group enviroment sorta thing. We all ended up staying up till 4am, the others went to bed and I wanted to stay up and see the sunrise since it was so close anyway. Cutie stayed up with me and then stayed with us the whole next day and night, just doing the same thing, watching movies, chatting, playing cards and eating. I broke up with BF a couple of days later, nothing to do with meeting cutie, it just wasn't working and we had a talk and it was the last straw. So this is all about a month ago and it's been stressful but the X and I are on good terms now and we go have coffee etc(his idea). Now here's the part where it gets tangled. Cutie was in a nine year realtionship that only ended 3 months ago. From that Aus day weekend we'd seen each other every day(night) pretty much apart from when he's been away working a few times. We talk multiple times a day and we both initiate conact. And before you ask (and yes I know it's to soon) we started sleeping together in early Feb. So he gets back from his latest trip away(normally 5 days) and says he wants to slow things down. Which I agree is good since we pretty much lived together from the word go. He cites his reasons for wanting to slow it down as being cause he wants to make sure he's good in his head and completely over the ex before things get more serious. He's an all in or not all all kinda guy and he wants to be 100% before commiting. I'm fine with this and I understand his reasons. I thought we were moving fast to but we were both enjoying the ride so it didn't bother me. I'm a come as it may sort of girl. He thinks that because we've both very recently gotten out of long term relationships we need some time. We aren't in a relationship of official sorts, and I'm not his GF. But we are something, although I don't know what. He doesn't want to stop seeing me, but does think we need to spend less time together otherwise we will sink into that "new love abyss". He is ok with the physical stuff being called off for a while because thats part of taking it slow. He asks often if I'm ok with taking things slower, and always brings it up. "part of my taking it slow thing" or "slow and steady". What I would like is some advice on HOW to back off and be patient. I'm not a patient person by nature, but I really like this guy and he likes me, I feel he will be worth the wait. So anything you can tell me would be great.
Drseussgrrl Posted March 1, 2013 Posted March 1, 2013 So you guys have been intimate for nearly a month with no official title? And he wants to "slow things down"? Honey I'm gonna be blunt. Guys will come up with all sorts of noble excuses to start fading out on you. But the fact is he isn't over his last relationship. Essentially you're acting like a band-aid to soften the blow and he doesn't have to be alone while he gets over her. He doesn't see this thing with you becoming anything substantial or meaningful - he's just having fun until he finally decides he really wants to be completely single and play the field. This is why he won't make you his girlfriend. You're stuck in a limbo, lukewarm situation that is only going to end in heartbreak for you. You're becoming quite attached while he doesn't want a relationship. I'd walk away now before you get in too deep. And let's be honest here. Once you're physical with someone it's nearly impossible to go back to being platonic. 2
Author MissIndependant Posted March 1, 2013 Author Posted March 1, 2013 So you guys have been intimate for nearly a month with no official title? And he wants to "slow things down"? Honey I'm gonna be blunt. Guys will come up with all sorts of noble excuses to start fading out on you. But the fact is he isn't over his last relationship. Essentially you're acting like a band-aid to soften the blow and he doesn't have to be alone while he gets over her. He doesn't see this thing with you becoming anything substantial or meaningful - he's just having fun until he finally decides he really wants to be completely single and play the field. This is why he won't make you his girlfriend. You're stuck in a limbo, lukewarm situation that is only going to end in heartbreak for you. You're becoming quite attached while he doesn't want a relationship. I'd walk away now before you get in too deep. And let's be honest here. Once you're physical with someone it's nearly impossible to go back to being platonic. Thanks for your reply(sorry it was such a big post). You are right I've become very emotionally invested in this person. I've met his parents and sibling and their children. We've made plans to do things like go down to Sydney for the Easter Show. He's met my family as well. I don't want to be that girl that refuses to see whats in front of her face but at the same time I feel like there could be something more here. We talk about the future and things like that but is that all it is, Talk? We're still in that getting to know you stage, and rushed it by getting intimate. And I also agree with what you said about not being able to go back from being physical with someone.
Drseussgrrl Posted March 1, 2013 Posted March 1, 2013 Thanks for your reply(sorry it was such a big post). You are right I've become very emotionally invested in this person. I've met his parents and sibling and their children. We've made plans to do things like go down to Sydney for the Easter Show. He's met my family as well. I don't want to be that girl that refuses to see whats in front of her face but at the same time I feel like there could be something more here. We talk about the future and things like that but is that all it is, Talk? We're still in that getting to know you stage, and rushed it by getting intimate. And I also agree with what you said about not being able to go back from being physical with someone. If you can feel like you can see him less and stop thinking about him as much and hoping and waiting for the day when he gives you something real, then go for it. But I know that for me, it would be nearly impossible. All of the relationships I've had in the past that turned long-term and serious, the guy was pretty eager from the get-go and there was no slowing down, no "breaks", no "let's take this slow". They wanted to see me as much as possible and made sure of it. And they didn't hesitate to call me their girlfriend. I'm sorry you're caught up in this and I went through something similar last year. I fell very hard for someone who was still going through a divorce. Everything was perfect between us when we were together, but he couldn't commit and I ended up pretty heartbroken after dating for a few months. A few months later, I might add, he DID get an official girlfriend. Not something I'll ever get involved with again!
Kamille Posted March 1, 2013 Posted March 1, 2013 I haven't been on LS in awhile and I'm stunned at how easily people reply to threads by pushing the panic button. Why on Earth are perfect strangers analyzing the intention of the OP's guy? We have no idea. OP, what I recommend is this. Talk to him. I could feel the infatuation in your first post and I actually believe you when you say the feeling is mutual. Go to that place in your relationship, the place where you feel good about yourself and have hope in the relationship and ask him to help you figure out how to slow things down. Make it fun. And trust yourself. Also, tips on how to not panic when things change: do stuff you like doing. Go to the gym, have fun with friends, cook yourself a crazy delicious meal. You know, enjoy yourself on your own. 1
Drseussgrrl Posted March 1, 2013 Posted March 1, 2013 I haven't been on LS in awhile and I'm stunned at how easily people reply to threads by pushing the panic button. Why on Earth are perfect strangers analyzing the intention of the OP's guy? We have no idea. OP, what I recommend is this. Talk to him. I could feel the infatuation in your first post and I actually believe you when you say the feeling is mutual. Go to that place in your relationship, the place where you feel good about yourself and have hope in the relationship and ask him to help you figure out how to slow things down. Make it fun. And trust yourself. Also, tips on how to not panic when things change: do stuff you like doing. Go to the gym, have fun with friends, cook yourself a crazy delicious meal. You know, enjoy yourself on your own. I'm sorry - has this approach ever worked for you? You meet someone who doesn't want what you want, but through patience he changed his mind?
Kamille Posted March 1, 2013 Posted March 1, 2013 I'm sorry - has this approach ever worked for you? You meet someone who doesn't want what you want, but through patience he changed his mind? Yes. Talking about my concerns to my partner has always worked for me. Way better than assuming I can read his mind. Here is where the OP and this guy differ: they don't want to move at the same speed. He wants to take things "slow and steady" and she's ok with just jumping in. Here is what they have in common: they do want to spend time together. I'm not saying it's going to work out. What I'm saying is that building up the OP's anxiety about this is less likely to be helpful than helping her find her own balance, find a way to ask for what she needs and find a way to build her relationship with him (and not against him).
Drseussgrrl Posted March 1, 2013 Posted March 1, 2013 Yes. Talking about my concerns to my partner has always worked for me. Way better than assuming I can read his mind. Here is where the OP and this guy differ: they don't want to move at the same speed. He wants to take things "slow and steady" and she's ok with just jumping in. Here is what they have in common: they do want to spend time together. I'm not saying it's going to work out. What I'm saying is that building up the OP's anxiety about this is less likely to be helpful than helping her find her own balance, find a way to ask for what she needs and find a way to build her relationship with him (and not against him). That's fine, and if she wants to stick it out then hey, that's her prerogative. But me, and COUNTLESS other women just like me here on LS and in real life have been through the same thing with heartbreak staring us right in the face. We simply want to believe that "our" situation is different. It's not. Sorry OP - I just think you're going to get really hurt. 1
Author MissIndependant Posted March 1, 2013 Author Posted March 1, 2013 Kamille thanks for your advice. It's very insightful. I feel I should clear up something I may not have communicated in my original post because I was trying to convey so much info. We both felt we were moving to fast, but I didn't really know how to slow down(and I still don't thats the problem) so I just went with it to see where it lead. I don't think he's trying to lead me on or back away, more so that he wants both of us to be emotionally stable before getting into a relationship. We aren't taking a break but we arent moving forward from where we are just yet. I'm happy with slowing down and taking our time. Think about it...If we'd continued at our former pace(we were pretty much living together for 3 weeks) we would be married and having kids in less than a year. I don't think theres anything wrong with taking our time and enjoying the experience. The point of my original post was to try and gain some clarity on how to maintain that distance when we both keep falling back into seeing each other all the time so easily.
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