screwedovertwenty Posted February 28, 2013 Posted February 28, 2013 It's been three months since dday. The first five weeks were pure hell. January third was the last day he had contact with her and he has been trying so hard since that day. Unfortunately maybe it just isn't enough. I don't know. I bought four books for him/us to read, three months ago. I know he is busy and works a lot, but he just finished the first one last night. He was off Tuesday, and it was my last day at my job (transfering to another location where I can be annonymous), so I went out for drinks. I figured he would have plenty of time to read while I was gone and the kids were at school. Nope. He napped the day away. Yesterday we were off together. We tried to patch the hole in the waterbed, unsuccessfully. (It's on a seam, time for a new mattress) Most of the rest of the day he spent in pursuit of trying to watch tv. The tv in our room stopped working all the time. The picture comes and goes. He went to the carport to see if we still had a spare out there. Nope. He turned the tv on every twenty minutes, hoping for a picture. I finally said something about how important the tv was to him. He laughed it off and opened the book and began reading. He finished the first book (Chatting or Cheating, which I ordered before I realized there was sex). Then he started the book "Not Just Friends". He read for a couple of hours. When he was done, I asked him about what he read. He asked me, "Aren't you going to read it?" I said I might, but I kindof wanted to get some feedback from him after he read the book. I picked up the book and started reading it and it pissed me off right away. You see, they were never just friends. He saw her, asked a coworker about her. A week later, she gave him her number and a week or two later he called her. Then they ****ed. It did not start as a friendship. It took less than a month from the time that he first saw her until he was barrowing twenty bucks from a friend to split the cost of a hotel with her. I told him that it bothered me that it was so easy for him. He said it wasn't easy. I asked him how he felt about me that day that he called her and after dodging the answer (as he has for the last three months) he finally said "I guess I didn't feel anything. Is that what you want to hear?" I guess that is the truth and I guess that is the answer that I wanted. I just don't know if I can live the rest of my life with someone who could do this so easily and with no regard for what it would do to me or our kids. My oldest is a junior in high school and just told me today that she is number six in her class. If we were to separate or divorce, I can see her world falling apart and years of hard work down the drain. My son has had depression issues. He started cutting himself and ended up in inpatient treatment almost three years ago. He was on antidepressants for amost a year after that. One of his issues was the fact that his father never spent time with him. He joined ROTC this year and has been doing awesome. If we separate or divorce, he will more than likely go back to being angry and depressed and start cutting again. My youngest is almost thirteen. She is outgoing amd a straight A student. I can't see that continueing if her parents were to divorce. I don't know if I can live like this, but I also can't do this to my kids. I ordered the book "Should I stay or should I go". Hopefully that will help.
whichwayisup Posted February 28, 2013 Posted February 28, 2013 Your H doesn't seem that remorseful. A bit cocky actually. He also doesn't seem to take how serious this is, what he's done, how it's affected you, made you feel so hurt and turned your world upside down. Fact is, he went for it with her and risked your marriage, your love/trust/faith, all that you two have shared and built together all for what? A hot roll in the hay with some co worker woman he barely knows. He needs to work on himself first and do counseling. He needs to earn your trust back and he better be in total NC with OW. Does she still work at the same place as him? IF so, fixing things is going to be a lot harder than it has to be. Is the OW married? Seeing anybody? If so, her spouse or partner should know what she's been up to and their sexual affair. No decision has to be made now...All this takes time - focus on you, your kids and do counseling too..Alone and with your husband. 2
Author screwedovertwenty Posted February 28, 2013 Author Posted February 28, 2013 Your H doesn't seem that remorseful. A bit cocky actually. He also doesn't seem to take how serious this is, what he's done, how it's affected you, made you feel so hurt and turned your world upside down. Fact is, he went for it with her and risked your marriage, your love/trust/faith, all that you two have shared and built together all for what? A hot roll in the hay with some co worker woman he barely knows. He needs to work on himself first and do counseling. He needs to earn your trust back and he better be in total NC with OW. Does she still work at the same place as him? IF so, fixing things is going to be a lot harder than it has to be. Is the OW married? Seeing anybody? If so, her spouse or partner should know what she's been up to and their sexual affair. No decision has to be made now...All this takes time - focus on you, your kids and do counseling too..Alone and with your husband. She doesn't work there anymore and hasn't since the summer. There has been no contact. I am sure of that. I had five free counseling visits from my employee assistance program at my job. We each did our five sessions. We had been doing marriage counseling with someone else, but I was not impressed with her. Husband agreed to switch to my counselor for our marriage counseling. My insurance only covers seven visits per year for counseling. We have ten visits left on the insurance this year. Total. I just don't see how we can continue doing IC and MC with only ten visits left.
loredo21 Posted February 28, 2013 Posted February 28, 2013 i know i have no right to say what i'm about to say....but i fear that this is the scenario my xMOM and his W are in. I don't think he is sincerely remorseful and/or really cares all that much what he did to her. And she is willing to overlook it. PLEASE PLEASE do not overlook this behavior! You sound like a lovely woman and you can do better! Your kids may just be better with separated HAPPY parents. I don't know your whole story, but I believe if someone is truly remorseful and 100% on board with R they should do everything in their power to make it work. MC, IC, read the damn books, get off their ass and try new enlightening things that make them a better person for you. that's what you deserve. The ONLY reason my H even considered R with me was because of all of the efforts I have made. I let go of the bad influences in my life (one who was almost like a sister to me), got into Yoga and mediation (and i mean heavily, like a religion almost), got a new job, IC, MC, read the books, listened to what he had to say, showered him with affection, tell him how amazing he is, and give him some really good Bl## J***. (sorry i have a gutterous humor but it's the truth!) Good luck sweetie. Hope it all works out for you! 2
Eggplant Posted February 28, 2013 Posted February 28, 2013 You are trying to spoon-feed him the right answers. You are giving him homework assignments. He is dragging his feet like a rebellious child. Stop pushing. It's impossible. You have no control over another person. Nor should you have to control him or change him. Don't take responsibility for his behavior. He is being cold-hearted and awful. That's his problem. Let him act as he wishes, then you make your move. You are only responsible for yourself. 2
BetrayedH Posted March 1, 2013 Posted March 1, 2013 I think your H's answer about his thoughts of you during his A was probably truthful. As much as we are hurt by the affair, it rarely has much of anything to do with us. They are only thinking of themselves. I also agree with the others about him not being truly remorseful. It seems he just regrets being caught, at least by what you've written here. A truly remorseful wayward spouse will be proactive. As another said, yours is being dragged along like a petulant child. Like you, I also struggled mightily with thoughts about my kids. But I also "thought" I had a truly remorseful spouse. Over time, I began to realize that my wife was not truly remorseful and I really lost the love for her. Once I realized that my remaining motivations for reconciliation had nothing to do with my wife but were all about trying to keep the nuclear family intact (for the children), it became much easier to let the marriage go. You cannot keep the facade of a happy marriage in place for another 5 years. And even if you make it until the last one leaves the nest, you may just be delaying the impacts on them until then. I don't recommend you stay just for the children. At this point, I think you should be doing a lot of reading on how to best help your children handle a divorce. By the way, I don't think you'll find consensus on that here AT ALL. What the kids should be told is a very controversial subject and one that people get very emotional about. What worked for me was reading incessantly about what works for the kids. I studied it voraciously. And I think my approach worked remarkably well. They got a lot of assurances that everything was going to be ok, that the adults had it all under control, that we had a plan (which I shared), and pretty quickly they got back to their homework and video games. It's not a walk in the park but I can tell you that it can be done successfully and for me and my kids, it wasn't nearly as bad as I expected. 1
Furious Posted March 1, 2013 Posted March 1, 2013 SOT There are not enough self help books in the world that can compare to a packed suitcase and a farewell card. You can't make your husband want to change or become enlightened or see the light by giving him self help books to read. A truly remorseful spouse searches for help, searches for answers, they even go to the library or book store all by themselves. The only thing you can do is help yourself, make a plan and prepare for a future without him. You need to get your ducks in order, find the best way to make sure your kids are ok if you decide to divorce. It's hard enough to reconcile with a remorseful spouse, but to reconcile with an un-remorseful spouse is impossible. 1
Minnie09 Posted March 1, 2013 Posted March 1, 2013 I don't know if I missed or misread anything in your op, but to me it seems like your H is doing all the right things to make it better. He listens to you, he reads his stuff, does his "homework" so to speak, has NC with his AP, goes to counseling, even switches counselors upon your request, etc. I don't see where he's failing, other than not always acting 1000% remorseful. But this can be explained away by saying, hey, he's probably super embarrassed, he doesn't want to be reminded all the time, he wants to forget about what a scumbag he was etc. fact is, he wants to stay with you and puts a lot of effort in it. And I'm not someone who lets anyone get away with anything easily. Cheaters are people who made a mistake, who have a problem with themselves, who are weak and sneaky. If we're not talking about a serial cheater here, they know that about themselves, and not only that, they're embarrassed about it. So cut him some slack, if you want to make it work.* However, if you are troubled by this, and of course you are, but if you're troubled by this to an extent where you're torturing yourself, you gotta resolve this issue with yourself. Yes, DO share these thoughts with your H, be honest, but resolve them. Get help in IC, get advice, sort through your thoughts and emotions, and reconcile full speed ahead, or sever all ties. Don't make a rash decision, but make one for your own peace of mind. As I said, I might have misunderstood your story, but I see nothing in there that tells me he's not sorry and remorseful, and to all those who say he's only sorry he got caught: maybe. But let him learn and grow. Everybody deserves a second chance.
Mr. Lucky Posted March 1, 2013 Posted March 1, 2013 My oldest is a junior in high school and just told me today that she is number six in her class. If we were to separate or divorce, I can see her world falling apart and years of hard work down the drain. My son has had depression issues. He started cutting himself and ended up in inpatient treatment almost three years ago. He was on antidepressants for amost a year after that. One of his issues was the fact that his father never spent time with him. He joined ROTC this year and has been doing awesome. If we separate or divorce, he will more than likely go back to being angry and depressed and start cutting again. My youngest is almost thirteen. She is outgoing amd a straight A student. I can't see that continuing if her parents were to divorce. It's possible that your son had problems because of the stress in a relationship where resentment, disconnection, cheating and disclosure are issues. And that your daughters had success despite those things. So just as marriage can cause and prevent, divorce is the same way. Don't assume that the dissolution of your marriage would spell doom for you or your kids. Sometimes divorce is the logical and preferable outcome for everyone involved. . I ordered the book "Should I stay or should I go". Hopefully that will help. You're putting way too much faith in and emphasis on books. if truly committed to making things work, why aren't you in MC? Mr. Lucky 1
NotCamelot Posted March 1, 2013 Posted March 1, 2013 Maybe you've told this, but, what does your H say that he wants for the future?
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