Struggling with "promise" I made to ex last time we spoke

February 28, 2013

I'm a little over two months post BU with my ex-girlfriend and basically the same amount of time doing NC. A little background on the relationship for those of you that don't know: It was relatively short (a little under 4 months) and the BU was as amicable as BU's can go (she said she was lacking a "spark" for me). It's been rough the last couple of months because I really thought I had finally found a girl I really connected with and even though it was a short relationship I definitely had fallen in love with her.

The last time we spoke was the day before NYE and it was because she reached out to me via text asking how I was doing and if I wanted to talk. I agreed to talk to her later that night because there was a lot that I didn't get to say during the BU because I was completely blind sided by it and was in utter shock (if I could go back and see my face it probably would have been somewhat comical to look upon) and of course I just wanted to hear her voice because I really thought when she walked out of my house that night it was going to be the last time I ever saw/spoke to her.

Later that night she called me and we had a pretty decent 3 hour phone conversation where I got some stuff of my chest. While looking back at the conversation some of it could be looked at as semi-pathetic (if you ever get in a bind and you need me I'll be there for you sort of stuff:sick:) and generic (you had a nice guy and you are just throwing me to the side of the road like a piece of trash talk) I'm not too ashamed about it because I was in typical "Oh woe is me" mode after the BU a couple days before. I however never begged for her to take me back, never shouted at her, and basically told her I respected her decision even if I obviously didn't agree with it. When she offered me the olive branch of friendship I did something I never thought I was strong enough to do and told her while I would love for her to check up on me in a few weeks and maybe possibly hangout I thought it was best if we cut the chord because I know that I would just pretend to be just friends and wouldn't get over her. I asked her not to contact me and I would reach out to her when I was ready. Telling her that was probably one of the hardest thing I've ever had to do, but I knew it had to be done.

So any way before we get off the phone she starts to cry because she feels this is going to be the last time we ever talk. Initially I told her that was a very likely scenario because that's what happens with BUs, but I eventually caved and promised her I would eventually call her at some point in the future. I know I did it because I was also scared of that conversation being the last time we ever spoke. I know I'm no where near close enough in my healing process to break NC any time soon and feel like I made her a promise I can not keep. It's really silly because I know it really doesn't matter because she was the one that ended things between us and there are consequences to actions, but I have always tried to be a man of my word so I'm struggling with this so-called promise I made her.

You guys have any suggestions/words of encouragement for me?

February 28, 2013

It was a promise you made under duress and out of desperation. Therefore, she should not hold you to it, nor should you hold yourself to that promise. You two are broke up, and are no longer a couple or really in each other's lives any more. Therefore, you do not owe her a thing. If anything it shows weakness on your part if you cave in and call her. She dumped YOU, you did not dump her. If you go running back to her and are there for her you are showing her you are weak, and that she still plays a heavy hand in controling your emotions. A question I have for you, is has she tried contacting you since NYE? If the answer is no, it is obvious that she would rather not hear from you. Everyone to varying degrees is frightened of change. She probably did not want to lose you as a friend, safety net, or whatever. She probably could not fathom you absolutely absent from her life. She wanted you absent from her life in the way of a relationship, but a part of her still did not want to lose you. However, if she has not contacted you since that night it is obvious that she is starting to move on and realizing that she does not need you in her life any more. I know that hurts, but as an unbiased observer reading your story, that is what it sounds like is happening. Your best bet is to try to forget her, try to remain full NC, and realize you owe her nothing anymore. If you two were dating promises would have more weight, but since she dumped you, there is no reason to keep said promises. Personally, I believe that you are using your promise as a get of jail free card to give you an excuse to break NC and talk to her. It was more for your benifit than hers. We've all been there so no judgement on my end. However, you need to take a deep, long look inside your heart and admit to yourself that the promise was more for you than her. You also need to realize you two are not going to rekindle things and that you two are no longer together, so you should have no loyality to her. The sooner you grasps those things the sooner you will move on, and eventually find someone new.

Good luck!

February 28, 2013

I can somewhat relate to your situation. However my case happened well over two years ago, so I have a bit of hindsight to draw on.

My relationship was also short (4 months), passionate (I thought), and ended seemingly out of nowhere when she told me she needed to figure herself out and needed to be single for a while. I was absolutely crushed, but I held out hope that she'd return when she'd sorted out her issues. Ultimately I discovered about a year later through mutual friends that she hadn't been entirely truthful and had lined someone else up before ending things with me.

Anyway, during our final conversation a couple weeks after she ended things, I bore my soul to her and then promised her that I wouldn't bother her anymore and that if and when she wanted to talk I'd be there for her. And for two and a half years I've held to my word not to talk to her. She's never heard a peep from me, and likewise she's never bothered to get back in touch.

I really struggled with this promise in two ways. First, it was really hard not to talk to her. I missed her, wanted her, and felt like it was counterproductive to just right her off as someone from my past.

But that all changed when I found out that she'd started dating her new guy immediately after telling me there was nobody else and "needed to be single." I felt duped, used, and that I'd wasted over a year pining for a girl who had been so duplicitous.

That's when I started to struggle with the second part of my promise, that I'd be there for her should she ever want to reconnect. After some soul searching I came to the decision that I'd never speak to her again even if she were to reach out to me. Though I'd promised to be there, I made that promise with incomplete information. If I'd known she weren't telling me the truth there was no way I'd have been as gracious as I had been.

I know that in your situation the tables are reversed. You told her not to contact you and that someday you'd be the one to get in touch with her. But my advice would be the same. Don't.

You may also have made that promise having faulty information, and she may have been playing you for the fool. Or she may have meant to friend-zone you to keep you as emotional support for when she needs it. Or she may just want to know that you consider her a friend so she doesn't feel as bad for breaking your heart.

Also bear in mind that people who break up with people are light years ahead of the dumpee in regards to their healing, so by the time you finally come around and decide to call her, you may get the impression that your reappearance is seen as an inconvenience in her life. After months of not having heard from you she'll find that your absence really isn't that bad. Keeping your word in getting in touch with her will be seen as "sweet..." but really just pathetic.

So keep to NC. Permanently. Indefinitely. Eternally.

Move on and find someone new.

Edited February 28, 2013 by Ajax

February 28, 2013

"but I eventually caved and promised her I would eventually call her at some point in the future. I know I did it because I was also scared of that conversation being the last time we ever spoke."

You didn't specify a timescale? Therefore, you can not contat her indefinitiely (ie until you are ready to do so). You won't be breaking any promises.

February 28, 2013

I eventually caved and promised her I would eventually call her at some point in the future.

Here's the thing...

You promised you would call her "at some point in the future."

That is pretty open-ended and will be an easy promise to keep when you realize you can call her without the pain in your heart you are currently feeling.

You will be able to keep the promise because - when you *are* able to make the call - you won't care as much...

February 28, 2013

It was a promise you made under duress and out of desperation. Therefore, she should not hold you to it, nor should you hold yourself to that promise. You two are broke up, and are no longer a couple or really in each other's lives any more. Therefore, you do not owe her a thing. If anything it shows weakness on your part if you cave in and call her. She dumped YOU, you did not dump her. If you go running back to her and are there for her you are showing her you are weak, and that she still plays a heavy hand in controling your emotions. A question I have for you, is has she tried contacting you since NYE? If the answer is no, it is obvious that she would rather not hear from you. Everyone to varying degrees is frightened of change. She probably did not want to lose you as a friend, safety net, or whatever. She probably could not fathom you absolutely absent from her life. She wanted you absent from her life in the way of a relationship, but a part of her still did not want to lose you. However, if she has not contacted you since that night it is obvious that she is starting to move on and realizing that she does not need you in her life any more. I know that hurts, but as an unbiased observer reading your story, that is what it sounds like is happening. Your best bet is to try to forget her, try to remain full NC, and realize you owe her nothing anymore. If you two were dating promises would have more weight, but since she dumped you, there is no reason to keep said promises. Personally, I believe that you are using your promise as a get of jail free card to give you an excuse to break NC and talk to her. It was more for your benifit than hers. We've all been there so no judgement on my end. However, you need to take a deep, long look inside your heart and admit to yourself that the promise was more for you than her. You also need to realize you two are not going to rekindle things and that you two are no longer together, so you should have no loyality to her. The sooner you grasps those things the sooner you will move on, and eventually find someone new.

Good luck!

Thanks for the nice response/advice will1988! I believe you are right on all of your unbiased observations and that's exactly why I come here to pick all of your brains!

She has not tried to contact me since the last time we talked. I really want to believe it's because I asked her to respect my wishes and not to because she did ask if she could check up on me in a few weeks. Obviously it really doesn't matter the reason she hasn't attempted to reach out. All that matters is like you stated above, "she is starting to move on and realizing that she does not need you in her life any more."

I also think you are 100% right about me using this so-called promise as a reason to eventually break NC. While I know I'm not going to do it any time in the near future I am definitely clinging to it as a reason to hopefully hear/see her again. Honestly any one of those things would only set me back in my healing process so it's ridiculous to even want either of them to happen.

You're right that I don't owe her anything now. I did in fact make the promise because I was too scared of the possibility of not having her in my life. It's so crazy that I sit here and think to myself, "She probably thinks I hate her because I haven't reached out to her yet," when she's already moved on in her post-Straylight24 life! Ah the erratic joys of heartache!

February 28, 2013

Thanks CarrieT and Thunderchild. I never looked at it from those two perspectives. I have no idea what the future holds so maybe one day when I'm confident I'm completely healed I'll give her a call.....and maybe I won't!

Ajax, I do sometimes feel like I may have been given some faulty information and played a fool. I don't know if that's just me being paranoid but she did work directly with the guy she had been in a previous "open relationship" with and when I say directly I mean being in the same room Monday-Friday. A week before we broke up we went to a co-workers/friends party and she conveniently left out when she asked me if I would like to go with her that it was at his house until 5 minutes before pulling up. Granted I still would have gone, but these are sorts of things you like to prepare yourself for, ya know! Also at the party one of her friends is a photographer and set up a photobooth sort of thing and as she was dragging me along to do it asked me, "not to do any kissing pictures." As the nice guy I am (or is that naive?) I went right along with her request and didn't even put up a fight. Also the only time I semi-broke NC in the last 2 months was when I went on her Facebook and saw she went out with some of her friends and who was going to meet up with them....him! So who knows maybe she's back together with him, but I wouldn't know I've gone strictly NC since that misstep. I am still friends with her on FB. I however have taken her out of my newsfeed (1st time I have ever done that to someone and I've had FB since 2004) and have not "creeped" on her profile since.

February 28, 2013

She really doesn't give a sh*t if you call anyway. F*ck her. What about her promises and the hopes and dreams she shattered.

That promise is irrelevant. You owe her absolutely nothing except dismissing her forever out of you life. Cav

February 28, 2013

She really doesn't give a sh*t if you call anyway. F*ck her. What about her promises and the hopes and dreams she shattered.

That promise is irrelevant. You owe her absolutely nothing except dismissing her forever out of you life. Cav

Love the bluntness! Thanks Cav!

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