cdt76 Posted February 28, 2013 Posted February 28, 2013 I do not have a chemical imbalance that causes depression, though I am depressed. There is no activity I can undertake to short circuit the near constant thoughts of the past, the pain and the loneliness. In 2010, I was not eating nor sleeping. I was running 2 miles a day at paces that most high school kids would have envied and boxing like a Oscar De La Hoya. I lost 25 lbs in a matter of months. I was at one point starting to get scared because the mind controlled what the body took in for food. I began to worry, that that I was going to start doing harm to my body. I began to force myself to eat. Force myself to smile and laugh and act like nothing happened. Never talked about the past unless someone would bring it up. Eventually I got better and healthy and happy. 2 Years of work and self thought. It was all in my mind. My brain caused my body to stop eating and sleeping. My brain caused the constant thoughts of the past and the pain and hurt and it brought about an INTENSE amount of anger. So much anger that I was a powder keg waiting for a spark. It was ALL in my head. Fast forward to today. The anger is not as strong and very weak actually. Replaced by self worth and a desire to find someone right FOR ME. Breaking up with an incredibly erotic and beautiful girl in January, though has set me back. I was addicted to her. My mind was addicted to her. And now she is gone and the mind is beginning to rule once again. Most days I'm ok fighting off the thoughts, distraction and work and exercise all help to focus the mind on other things besides the pain and the ever powerful pull of my addiction. But there is a problem. Working out, boxing, playing dodgeball with a group from work, it all takes it's toll on my body and my mind. Being tired, it breaks down the ability to distract. It counteracts the ability of my defenses to short circuit the thoughts. My addiction pulls at me. No energy to do activities to distract. The idol mind is freaking killing me. I want her back but then I think would she change? And the thoughts just roll from there. And today....tired, worn down and especially hard mentally, I can't turn off the mind. I can't fight the pull of the addiction, body and soul. And I want more than anything for it to stop. I'm a brilliant man. I'm in fantastic shape. There is no psychosis or behavioral issues that would require medical intervention. No pill can stop the thoughts of the past from entering my consciousness. And so on days like today, I come here. I write to people I don't know who are hurting worse than myself and I see how petty and stupid my own issues are. I just want to be happy, with a family, with help and support and love. And if I wasn't so damn tired, I'd get mad at myself for being so weak!
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