Author jnel921 Posted February 28, 2013 Author Posted February 28, 2013 I am so happy to read the responses and see that I am not alone in my feelings. Anna Karenina was ridiculous, the basis of their relationship was not love, it was lust! They locked eyes for the first time and shared and dance? Hee sister-in-law's sister was in love with him and she didn't care!!! She didn't care about her own husband or her 9 year old son who was waiting for her at home. The levels she took that affair were unforgivable. I have to say I thought the ending was for the best. Movies, songs, all reminders and maybe a similar glimpse into what we've all experienced.I don't know if I can stop watching and I agree that most of the true crime tv shows like snapped are based on infedility and greedy spouses who want to collect on the insurance money. Its a scary thing to consider. Now that we are in R mode my H recently sent me a youtube video link for song video by Chayanne. The song was called Un Siglo Sin Ti... which is a guy who is on a rooftop asking for forgiveness to his woman asking that she forgive all the wrong he has done. She happens to work in an adjacent office building and supposedly everone can hear him singing and begging her. it's different, yet still sad as it is another reminder that there was something wrong with us and now we are at this point. 1
loredo21 Posted February 28, 2013 Posted February 28, 2013 Former WS jumping in here....Anytime H and I see something having to do with infidelity we do nothing. It's not weird. (i'm sure the A crosses both of our minds) but usually we go about our business. Sometimes it will even spark a very open organic conversation where he has genuine questions and I answer them honestly. I even DVR the show "Unfaithful: Stories of betrayal" and we both watch it. (not together) But it is quite fascinating. And The fact that most of the couples on that show end up R, gives us hope for our own R. I don't think we need to shut of our brains to the A. I don't think we want to block it out. It is/was a part of our lives and though unfortunate, we are still going to live, enjoy what we enjoy, and rise above it. Moving on doesn't mean blocking off the topic. The play by play will be in our minds forever, regardless of the TV or radio. That's just us though. To each their own, whatever helps you to heal. 1
NotCamelot Posted February 28, 2013 Posted February 28, 2013 The play by play will be in our minds forever, regardless of the TV or radio. That's just us though. To each their own, whatever helps you to heal. But I find that, for me and most BS' that I talk to, that is one of the hardest parts of the R. I really hate to think that my W replays her A in her mind at all......regardless of it being bad or good memories. She says she never thinks about it unless I bring it up. Hard to believe, but life goes on, and I CHOOSE to keep her, so be it. I think all would agree, both BS's and WS's, the fewer reminders, the better for us all. 1
loredo21 Posted February 28, 2013 Posted February 28, 2013 But I find that, for me and most BS' that I talk to, that is one of the hardest parts of the R. I really hate to think that my W replays her A in her mind at all......regardless of it being bad or good memories. She says she never thinks about it unless I bring it up. Hard to believe, but life goes on, and I CHOOSE to keep her, so be it. I think all would agree, both BS's and WS's, the fewer reminders, the better for us all. I'm sorry i used the phrase "play-by-play". That sounded insensitive. I only meant that the memories bad, good, and painful from the affair and aftermath of d-day will always be tucked away in our minds somewhere. I don't think we can turn that off. No I do not run a daily play-by-play of the A in my head. Rarely do I think about it, unless I'm on LS. But it's therapeutic when I do. Not usually met with fondness. 1
road Posted February 28, 2013 Posted February 28, 2013 I'm sorry i used the phrase "play-by-play". That sounded insensitive. I only meant that the memories bad, good, and painful from the affair and aftermath of d-day will always be tucked away in our minds somewhere. I don't think we can turn that off. No I do not run a daily play-by-play of the A in my head. Rarely do I think about it, unless I'm on LS. But it's therapeutic when I do. Not usually met with fondness. WH or WW? How long was your affair and how long ago was your affair? How much of the affair can you recall?
loredo21 Posted February 28, 2013 Posted February 28, 2013 WH or WW? How long was your affair and how long ago was your affair? How much of the affair can you recall? WW. A was only about 2 months long and ended on d-day 7 months ago. I can recall every detail. But have reached the point where I am not thinking about it every day. thank god. I really think had the A been one of the ones that lasted longer a lot of my thoughts and answers would be different.
Yellowteacup Posted February 28, 2013 Posted February 28, 2013 I will add an older movie to the list. It is called, "The Lovers". One of my favorite movies.
JamesM Posted February 28, 2013 Posted February 28, 2013 Even though I am not a WS or a BS, I can say that after reading so many stories on LS filled with pain and regret that watching a movie or TV show with infidelity has never been the same. I feel sadness more often for the BS in the movie and feel less sympathy for the cheater. Hollywood likes to romanticize affairs because society does. Even one of my favorite movies of all times involves the woman betraying her fiancee. I refer to The Notebook. I can only imagine the awkwardness and pain that a married couple would feel after an affair watching such movies.
nofool4u Posted February 28, 2013 Posted February 28, 2013 Former WS jumping in here....Anytime H and I see something having to do with infidelity we do nothing. It's not weird. (i'm sure the A crosses both of our minds) but usually we go about our business. But don't lead yourself to think that when he sees a cheating scene that it doesn't bother him. It does. He just won't let it come to the surface because you two are suppose to be reconciled.
waterwoman Posted February 28, 2013 Posted February 28, 2013 A! TAlking about distressing film, I just watched Boy in the striped pyjamas with my daughter. Gulp.... now that's perspective for you Sobbed like a baby..
loredo21 Posted February 28, 2013 Posted February 28, 2013 But don't lead yourself to think that when he sees a cheating scene that it doesn't bother him. It does. He just won't let it come to the surface because you two are suppose to be reconciled. oh I'm sure it does. we just don't have to bring it up or act uncomfortable. It's there, we get it, but it does nothing to our moods or behaviors. And if we DO decide to talk about it openly, even then it doesn't get uncomfortable for me. I guess I can't speak for him but he never leads on that he is upset/weirded out/etc. etc.
Author jnel921 Posted February 28, 2013 Author Posted February 28, 2013 James, I LOVE The Notebook. I think part of the reason I don't get upset when I watch that movie is because, although Allie betrayed Lon, she was completely honest with him as soon as possible rather than playing him for a fool. I didn't see that movie, but I would prefer that if my H felt like he wanted to play with fire he should have said so beforehand. Confessing afterwards doesn't lessen the blow. I would have been okay walking away from each other and not having to deal with his actions after the fact.
Author jnel921 Posted February 28, 2013 Author Posted February 28, 2013 Remember Bridges of Madison County????? Meryl Streep was the worst. her family off on a camping trip, she stays back and meets Clint Eastwood who is a photographer going through her town taking photos of bridges. he somehow boards at her house and she spends the rest of that time in a screw fest with him and when her loving husband and daughters come back home it's like nothing's happened. She reveals her affair in her letters left after she dies. Seriously how are your kids really supposed to react to that? Our life was a lie? You never really loved our dad? What could a few days of insignificant sex do to override years of love and devotion from your spouse? Ridiculous.....truly ridiculous! 2
RAN65 Posted March 1, 2013 Posted March 1, 2013 American Beauty, Along Came Polly, Forgetting Sarah Marshall, Chaos Theory, Fracture, Remarkable Power are some of the Infidelity Movies I watched.
Author jnel921 Posted March 1, 2013 Author Posted March 1, 2013 2long.... I so get that song.... Not a good way to feel and live out the rest of our days however. The most interesting part of watching these movies for me is understanding the premise of the whole A. Like in unfaithful..... Richard Gere seemed like a good and loving husband. They had a family and there seemed to be no known issue displayed in the movie. it is all fantasy and lust. What is wrong with people infusing that into their marriages so that infidelity can be a thing of the past. It's been over 16 years since my first H's A. The hurt, pain and damage that caused me made me stronger, but I never expected to go through that. At least not twice In my lifetime. Staying in my marriage isn't easy. I may still decide to leave one day in the future. The movies, tv shows, true crime shows just make me realize more what OW/OM are about. it is truly sad. 1
nofool4u Posted March 1, 2013 Posted March 1, 2013 American Beauty Oh, but you have to love the way Kevin Spacey's character handled finding out his wife is a cheater, with the exception of fantasizing about a high school girl that is. "You don't get to tell me what to do ever again" in that cool Kevin way. 5
RAN65 Posted March 2, 2013 Posted March 2, 2013 Oh, but you have to love the way Kevin Spacey's character handled finding out his wife is a cheater, with the exception of fantasizing about a high school girl that is. "You don't get to tell me what to do ever again" in that cool Kevin way. And I also loved Anthony Hopkins in "Fracture" saying in the court " f*****g the victim", cool as ever.
luminous dreamer Posted March 3, 2013 Posted March 3, 2013 "Damage" with Jeremy Irons and Juliette Binoche. A dark, very disturbing tale. 1
Spark1111 Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 Oh, but you have to love the way Kevin Spacey's character handled finding out his wife is a cheater, with the exception of fantasizing about a high school girl that is. "You don't get to tell me what to do ever again" in that cool Kevin way. I do feel that. I feel it very acutely at times. I love, cherish, honor, compromise and negotiate....but not as often as he would like, I'm sure.... and it IS all affair related. And I'm okay about it.
Author jnel921 Posted March 5, 2013 Author Posted March 5, 2013 There is also "The English Patient".... Again....what was the attraction? The H seemed like he adored her. It's a shame what makes people want to hurt the ones they love.
stevie_23 Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 The other night I saw It’s Complicated on TV, with Meryl Streep and Alec Baldwin. This made me realise how “complicated” affairs really are. They’d been married many years before, got divorced, he got remarried but wasn’t happy at all in his marriage, and they developed feelings for each other again and had an affair. In one scene, they’d arranged a romantic home cooked dinner at her place. She was getting everything ready, cooking up a storm, and all excited and “alive”. Meanwhile, his wife had decided not to go out so he couldn’t go on this date. He couldn’t even let her know because she was right there so he couldn’t sneak into the bathroom to text or call her. You could see the frustration and disappointment on his face. And you could see the disappointment and hurt / anger on her face as she cleaned up later after waiting for hours for him. Affairs…even if the 2 people involved really do care and are good together…the situation just is so screwed up.
Realist3 Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 In before some OM/OW comes in with this pseudoscience crap about humans being hardwired to cheat. No, we're not. Maybe we were when we had not evolved to the point of having long life spans with an actual understanding of who, and what we are. The idea that we, as humans, are still hardwired to spread out seed as often as we can, is it oudated scientific ideology. There are nearly 8 billion people on this planet, 8 BILLION. Reflect on that number. Humans have evolved to a point, where mass procreation is no longer needed in the modern world. To say that we are slaves to our basic functions, is idiotic. You know right from wrong, if you choose to do the wrong thing, then you made a CHOICE. Your baser instincts didn't make that choice for you, YOU DID. You sounded so definitive in your statements there, that for a split second I thought you might have a doctorate in evolutionary biology. But when I started reading the substance, it became evident that is not the case. Homo sapiens as a species are bit over 200,000 years old. We have evolved over that time at a very very slow rate. Our life expectancy rates have seen the sharpest increasein our history in the last 100 or so years; nearly doubling. In 100 years we as a species evolve very little, if any measurable amount. What you are arguing is a choice, and you stated so. No problem there. I agree. Do not confuse that with being 'hardwired to cheat'. The two are simply unrelated. We are still 'hardwired to cheat', we just make the choice whether to do so or not based on a myriad of factors. The instinct is still there. The term 'scientific ideology' is an oxymoron.
Toodamnpragmatic Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 in both The Descendents & Up In the Air..... Well done and played out for 40 somethings........
stevie_23 Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 Wasn't the second wife the OW that broke up the marriage to begin with? I only watched part of it, but I thought that was the gist. Yeah, she was indeed. She was younger than Alec Baldwin, had a son (who I assume wasn't his child but I'm not sure. I came in late as I was on the computer when it started) and he left Meryl for her...then went back to Meryl and cheated on her...and then left her, but Meryl didn't want him. lol Ah, such tangled webs.
Author jnel921 Posted March 5, 2013 Author Posted March 5, 2013 What you are arguing is a choice, and you stated so. No problem there. I agree. Do not confuse that with being 'hardwired to cheat'. The two are simply unrelated. We are still 'hardwired to cheat', we just make the choice whether to do so or not based on a myriad of factors. The instinct is still there. The term 'scientific ideology' is an oxymoron. Yes, cheating is a choice. is this behavior hard wired to some....maybe. My ex H has cheated on every woman he was with. My H has cheated on his ex and myself. it is a flaw within that needs some correcting. With the right amount of remorse and effort I think they can be committed. My initial post here about these movies just show how media effects our society. If movies show you that it's ok to have sex with your friends spouse or romanticize something that is based on lies its sad. A normal human being would have to know the difference between right and wrong. I seriously don't think they get that. Last night I was discussing emotional affairs with my H and he took issue with it. He started arguing if there was nothing physical happening how could it be cheating. So with that said.... Just one more thing to worry about in my case and honestly just very concerning.
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