Do you think this is a legitimate reason to end an engagement?

[Creon]

Is this a legitimate reason to end an 3 month engagement and a four year relationship?

 

February 25th 2013, I’m 23 and my ex-fiancé is the same age. 4 months ago my fiancé broke up with me because of something I did, or rather did not do, a few days prior. Before the incident (28th October 2012) there was nothing to suggest the relationship was on a downward spiral. If anything it was getting better than ever – we had our fallouts and arguments sure, but we worked on them together and hadn’t had a major argument since the previous Easter (2011).

 

Okay so the basically, the reason she felt the relationship and the engagement had to end was something that happened whilst we were at the cinema one evening. The whole day we had been looking forward to seeing the film in question. I had booked the tickets to an IMAX showing, hoping to make it an evening to remember. I drove her there so she could enjoy herself. Just as we were about to give our tickets to the usher, she took a funny turn and in a moment of panic I raised my voice. Needless to say we were outside the cinema in front of a few people arguing. Okay. However, that wasn’t a problem, we made up and went back into the theatre and took our seats. She even told me “Calm down, don’t worry about it” so I thought okay.

 

The film starts. Twenty minutes later she says she feels faint and gets up and leaves. I asked her “Are you okay shall we leave?” But she was already halfway out of the aisle. And for the rest of the film I wait for her to come back, but she doesn’t. I should have gone to her, but I didn’t. She could have asked someone to come and get me, but she told me it is the cinema’s policy not to come back and find me.

 

So the film ends, she is still out there. We don’t speak on the way home and I hear nothing from her until 31st of October. As a Halloween event, we had planned on going on a boat ride. She was texting me that morning updating me on the trip, how much the tickets were, and what time they were leaving. I was under the impression I was still going. However, due to bad weather it is cancelled. Of course, the cinema situation is still playing on my mind. I felt so bad so guilty that I didn’t go and see her. I had even become a first aider just so that when the time comes I could be there for her.

 

The end of the story is, she agrees to meet up with me and talk and she promptly ends the relationship and the engagement not less than enough hours after talking about the Halloween boat ride.

 

It was a weird sensation for the next few days/weeks. We didn’t really talk. She wouldn’t change her Facebook status. She said that she’d considered forgiving me for not going to see her at the cinema, but because I panicked one evening after finding out she had spent the night with a mutual male friend she said “No I guess I cant forgive you”.

 

So really since then it’s been a case of no contact, low contact, pushing and pulling from both ends. It is difficult seeing as we are in a small tight group of friends and cutting her out is not really an option, I don’t want to commit social suicide of course. So I channelled my thoughts onto paper and onto word. Instead of hassling her and begging her back, I took steps to analyse myself and the relationship. I am obviously on her mind. One evening, she even felt it necessary to return the engagement ring – in front of our friends in a pub. Needless to say I left without saying a word without causing a scene.

 

I wrote up a list of pros and cons, for and against the relationship just to keep my head straight. 43 cons against 220 pros keeps me sane – 200+ times I went out of my way to be with her and to help her through tough times. Once, she phoned me out of the blue at 6am one morning (2010) to say she had been involved in a car accident. Thankfully she wasn’t injured, but as soon as she phoned me I jumped in the car half dressed and drove the 30 miles to come and pick her up without any regards for my own safety or plans.

 

We see each other socially and she is constantly bringing up our relationship in a subtle way even to the point when she mentions an inherently personal in-joke between us which leaves her embarrassed because friends have no idea what she is talking about. She also keeps referring to me by pet names. Again, she is bringing up our past and reminiscing about us. She also makes comments about how much she ‘misses’ elements of us such as my family and our hobbies.

 

I just wondered if anyone thinks that not going to see her at the cinema when she felt faint is reason enough to simply terminate an intense 4 years and 3 months. Moving on for me isn’t really an issue; I’m just trying to arrange my head so to speak.

[todreaminblue]

No in my opinion it isnt a legitimate reason to end an engagement, things happen and maybe you should have gone out , maybe she should have texted your mobile to let you know she couldn't come back in,and honestly, if she paid for the ticket or you did she had every right to walk back in after feeling faint and at least ask you hey i want to go can we go, i dont feel well,so it takes two......sounds like she is still on a trail of wanting you back but humiliating you in front of mutual friends by giving the ring back was in poor taste and not very thoughtful.....it should have been a private moment between the two of you....seems a bit attention seeking......i dont care how sick someone is....thoughtfulness can still be observed and i am sure you would have appreciated it.....i hope whatever you desire happens, but just because someone is unwell doesnt give them license to be always taken into consideration and for you to constantly give.....she has to give too..as you are obviously very caring ...kudos on becoming first aid aware......i wish you luck in life and love.....deb.

[TaraMaiden]

It sounds like she's getting cold feet and looking for any reason to make a run for it - but is uncertain.

Next time she starts dropping hints or 'overstepping the line' take her by the arm, steer her away and tell her you want a word with her.

 

Once clear of other ears, tell her in no uncertain terms that her behaviour is hot/cold and confusing.

 

She either wants to go ahead with this - or she doesn't. She gave you the ring back, but she keeps playing into a relationship and it's just not fair. So, here and now, yes or no: Are we in a relationship that you feel is valuable enough to salvage, work on and rescue - or are you going to quit playing on the see-saw and just quit? because it's either one or the other.

 

Which is it to be?"

 

And wait.

 

The other thing to consider is - do YOU think it's worth it?

You wrote all manner of things about your role - has her input evened things up, or were you in danger of becoming a doormat, and the first time you 'rebelled' she called an end to it?

Is she pushing your buttons? 200 against?

 

Really?

 

food for thought, eh.....?

[Mcnulty]

Is/was he "a mutual male friend?" That's the bit that stands out. Possibly someone else giving her attention, so she maybe tests you?

 

She sounds flaky and not onto the rel. enough if she's going to walk away over such incidents.

[Mack05]

I think you dodged a bullet mate. Ok you should have gone after her. She has every right to be p!22ed at you, but breaking off the engagement? I know it doesn't feel like it now, but I think you have had a lucky escape here.

 

The staying the night with a 'mutual friend' and then handing your engagement ring back in from of your friends is just 'trash' to be honest. She is a very emotionally immature 'girl' not woman. If she can't forgive you for something like this, then what will she be like when major issues in the marriage come about? I'm sure there is other stuff she is not telling you. I have zero doubt she is a poor communicator as well.

 

Here is an extract from the book getting past your breakup when you share friends/work in common..

 

"There are many situations where full NC is impossible. In this case, NC means that you don't speak unless it's necessary and you don't use bumping into each other as an excuse to call, email or text later on. Work/College/Mutual friends breakups are very difficult. It is hard to be professional when everyone knows your business. You might need to draw some lines with your ex and agree on saying nothing at work/college/nights out about the breakup. The last thing you need at the office/class/bar everyday is all your colleagues/friends gossiping about you. Try to talk to your ex about the ground rules for discussing the relationship at work before the rumour mill gets going. Agree to keep it very business like, and only share your personal pain with close friends who do not work/study/socialize with your ex. Keep the boundaries very clear. Focus on you not him/her, keep your side of the street clean even if your ex doesn't"

[Mack05]

Use this time to work on yourself. Get in the best shape emotionally, physically, mentally. Trust me obsessing about her and her actions won't help you...

[fixing]

Great advice already offered... But, no, obviously, you not going out to see her, is not the reason this ended. Sounds like a lame excuse for her to break it off. Best thing you can do, is go NO CONTACT. She massively disrespected you by throwing the ring back in your face. So, i suggest you do commit social suicide (At least with that circle of friends for a while) And look after yourself. Really, SHE BROKE IT OFF M8, so dont be there to reminisce about 'old times' and dont let her call you pet names. Thats not fair on you. Just avoid her, go NC.