I lost the love of my life

[phoenix3stars]

This is such a long story but would be great to hear some replies. 8 months ago i met a girl online and at first i didnt really expect it to go anywhere down to my fear of being messed around. there were a few occasions where we arranged to meet but i just couldnt go through with it, and she was left feeling a bit upset, i think she was really looking forward to it each time. we stopped talking for a short while but then eventually i got the courage to finally meet her and it was amazing, she turned out to be an absolute star. from then it blossomed, and i would start to go to hers on a weekend as she lived in a different town, she had a 4 year old boy and her own place so it was easier that i went to hers. right from the start i told her that i was scared of being cheated on and i just wanted a faithful person in my life, and she told me everything about her past relationships and things she thought i should know. She told me she had never loved anyone, not even her boys father, and that anytime she has been seeing someone it was purely because she felt it a normal thing to do, she liked one or two of these people but not in a way that she felt attracted to them or thought she would want to be with them. she always told me that she never finds men attractive, there was only one person ever and that was in high school and she believes that was just a crush at the time, she is 26 now and since then she doesnt find attraction in 99% of men. she also told me that she has never had any real sexual desires because of this and that any intimacy she had with her past relationship was purely for the person she was with, sometimes sex would feel like a chore to her. she honestly thought she would spend her life just being with someone for the sake of it, but she left her boys father because she didnt love him and she really didnt want to be with someone forever when she didnt love them. she was cheated on a couple times in the past and she told these men to leave her alone, she has always told me that she has morals and cheating/lieing are things she really doesnt like. back to the story- after a month of seeing her, and btw she never had sex with me until after about a month or so, she told me she does not do one night stands and does not put out straight away, it is not her and because she really liked me she wanted me to stay around, but basically she fell in love with me and it was a 'shock' to her but it happened, and i fell madly for her, so i decided to move in which she was really happy for me to do. After a while my insecurities kicked in, an 'ex' she was seeing a while ago sent her a text, she had blocked him on facebook and deleted his number, this was the one that cheated on her and she reassured me that she wanted nothing to do with him but he was her sisters brother in law, she told me never to worry, it wasnt her fault he had text her, and she got her sister to tell him to leave her alone. So things carried on with us, and my insecurites and paranoia carried on too, i started thinking she liked someone at work because she had a few close male friends, she would talk about them sometimes and it made me get paranoid, and i always used to ask her 'do you like them, do you have feelings for them?' she got annoyed sometimes but kept trying to reassure me they were her friends and that i should have a little more faith in her because she was not that sort of person. She always used to say to me when i accused her of something 'you know me as a person, why do you ask me these things', and i did go on at her quite a lot. It was like i was epxecting her to find someone better or cheat on me and i just didnt want the girl i loved turn out to be a liar, i was so in love with her. Things just carried on, i used to always ask her who she was texting, or who she was with on her lunch, asking her about the men at work, or asking why are you wearing them clothes, are you trying to make an impression or look nice for someone, i puzzled her about facebook and who where the lads she had spoke to, why did she put a kiss on a message, i convinced myself that she was lieing in some way and that she must like someone else but all the time she tried to reassure me and tell me i have to stop, i have to trust her or i am going to hurt her, she told me that she couldnt carry on doing this because she didnt want to fall so in love with me that it would tear her apart if i carried on. i know she loved me, she always said, but my paranoia was always revealing itself. I have made her have a few bad nights out when i have been with her, and i think it got to the point where she didnt want me to go out with her and her mates because of what i was like. she supported me, she wanted me to get better and trust her, but i just couldnt find a way in all that darkness in my head. She started to dislike me for the way i was being, although we had some good times and the moments we were intimate she absolutely felt on top of the world, she said she enjoyed sex with me, for the first time in her life, and that even though she had no urge to do it, i actually turned her on. it was like she was telling me i was some sort of miracle for her, this kinda didnt help me because i thought it was just rubbish, i didnt want to believe that she wasnt attracted to anyone and that i was the only person she had enjoyed sex with. The arguments started to happen a lot, she started to get angry when i said something silly or asked her what she was doing on her lunch or who a particular boy was, she would get really angry and tell me she didnt want this anymore, that she wanted me to go, but at the same time she loved me more than i would ever know. it got to christmas time and after 5 months of unprotected sex (she was happy to have child with me) she found out she was pregnant, but the problem i had was that in those 4 months previously we were having sex regularly and in in that 5 month we had it twice, on the same night (which would have been right around her ovulation date), but i only came in her once and that was the second time, which was about half an hour after the first time, the first time i pulled out, the thing is it didnt even feel like i came in her the second time. This night when we had sex twice was the 21st december, and she had been out with a few from work for drinks while i looked after her boy, she rang me from work to say she would be out a couple more hours and they were ringing people from work. she went up to her work with her mate and two lads that worked there (she and her girlfriend were managers), one of the lads was 23 and the other in his 40s, it was meant to be leaving drinks for someone. i got it in my head that whilst she was up in her work she had sex with one of the lads, even though her friend was there, like they had gone to the toilets together or sumot. It really got stuck in my head, the reason i thought this was because when she came home that night, and when i had sex with her, she was really wet, i wanted to think to myself maybe its because she is near ovulation so it is natural and i am being foolish but i just kept thinking she has been out drinking and she has had sex with this lad in her work even though her mate was there. That night after we had sex, she kept telling me i had everything in my life and that i was going to throw it away if i didnt stop doing this. I tried to be normal over christmas and it was ok, but i dont remember having sex after that night, her ovulation date was between the 21st and the 24th. She found out she was pregnant on the 7th january, and yes my first instinct was this cant be mine, i used to have so much sex with her before december but we only did it once/twice on the 21st and i dont even know for sure that i came in her the second time, i convinced myself that she had cheated and it wasnt mine but i didnt say anything, when she told me she was pregnant she was waiting to see what my expression would be, she said she was happy although she wasnt jumping for joy, and she said i didnt exactly look like i was over the moon so she got annoyed at me. but we talked about it and we started talking about what we would get and how it was going to work. but she had a miscarriage a day later and it broke us both, even though i was in doubt, and she was off work for a month whilst i went to work, i used to ring her from work and she would cry and keep telling me how much she loved me, but it just made me think something wasnt right, its like i thought she felt guilty for something. she kept looking online hoping there was something to tell her it wasnt a miscarriage, she just wanted to know what was happening but i knew she was really torn by it, maybe i was wrong? a month after all this things never really got better, although we were close during the miscarriage and she kept telling me she loved me so much, afterwards things just got back to my paranoia and the final straw was when i confronted her about that night and said i think you slept with his lad at work, the baby wasnt even mine, she just looked at me with that angry look and called me a bas***d, she kept saying things like he is not even my type, i have never cheated in my life, why would i cheat on someone i love, i would never do anything to hurt you, i have always told you this from the start, you know me as a person, she literally grabbed me by the face and shouted these things at me whilst in tears, and then she told me she couldnt do this anymore and it was over, i begged her for another chance and after a long night she said i had one last chance but she was done with it all, she was really done with it, and i guess you know how it ended, she gave up on me, she told me she loves me so much but has come to dislike me for the way i have been for so long, and that she just couldnt live like this anymore, i messed up her head, she said i needed to go, sort my head out get some help and that maybe if i can do that, only then will she think about having a future with me. i kinda know i was the love of her life but my paranoia messed me up, i suffered from depression and it all came crashing down on me, even now 2 weeks after the split i cant seem to get it out of my head that i think she cheated on me, but after everything she told me and who she said she was, i dont know whether its all in my head. i love this girl more than i can say, but i know my issues ruined things, i always feel like some people tell you things because they want you to believe they are good honest faithful people, when under it all they are cheating and lieing and they just want you to believe them so its so much easier for them to have what they want. maybe i am messed up really badly.

[TaraMaiden]

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TL; DR.

 

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