Edraven Posted February 28, 2013 Posted February 28, 2013 My ex and I have dated for almost four years until he broke things off last month. To summarize, he is clinically depressed and has anger issues. I myself have a bad history and as a result have been left insecure and afraid of abandonment issues. We've had an amazing relationship, we were entirely dedicated to each other without any issues of cheating. However, that didn't change the fact that we were both damaged people on our own. We basically used each other as vents from our own personal issues while trying to be lovers at the same time, and after almost four years of dating it inevitably damaged the romance on his end. He is a lot less emotionally stable than I am and is in need of more of a supporting role due to his depression and anger issues, which I've tried my very best to help him with throughout the years. This resulted in solving issues rather difficult as we were truly walking on eggshells with each other. Everything still built up over the years, until he felt that he just didn't love me like he used to. I truly do love him, so I was completely okay with him moving on from me (though it was the most devastating moment for me, i want what's best for him). Due to his depression, he's been infatuated with suicidal thoughts since he was a kid. He also has type 1 diabetes that he seldom takes care of and sometimes overdoses on insulin before bed if he ever fought badly enough. He is getting professional help, and is on his second psychologist, but he is not happy about it. I've been supporting and encouraging him to continue getting help. In combination with being less in love with me, he also slipped his true motive of the break up. He said it was so he can eventually kill himself and he had to break up with me otherwise he could never do it. It's been 6 weeks since the break up and he has initiated contact with me every single day. We hang out weekly as if nothing has ever changed, in fact he takes note that things are better now with me than they ever were. He says he is happy with me, but he cannot risk having to go back to feeling bad whenever we fought. He says he does not want to be in a relationship with me, but acts as if we never broke up. He was feeling really depressed recently and asked me to send him our old poems and talk about our old memories to cheer him up. He still comes to me and asks things such as "What do I do with my life?" He takes care to show more affection when we're together more than he ever did in the past. After the break up, all I ever did was focus on improving myself for my own good and to be self-reliant, so that I will never have to use him or anyone else as a source of my own happiness again. I want to become the person who can support him that he needs while improving myself for the better. Ideally, I'd move on and let us rebuild ourselves and cut off contact with him if the circumstances were normal. However it's evident that we both need each other in our lives and that I need to help him through with his depression and to encourage him to continue to see his psychologist. He says if i wasn't still here, he would have killed himself in a few months. I believe his talks of suicide aren't necessarily suggesting he will do it, but rather he is emotionally distressed enough to constantly want to quit life. At the same time, I do not want to overlook it and I fear that he truly will after wanting to for so long. Regardless, it kills me that he is this sad about life.This makes it impossible for me to go NC for the obvious reasons. The advice I ask for isn't for what the chances are of him taking me back, or how to "get him back". I love him too much to jeopardize what's best for him, even if it's not me (though, it would be nice to see if anyone thinks he will want to be with me in the future once we are both stable enough). What I'm concerned with is what I should do to help him, and if I should encourage or reject his advances that clearly exceed regular friendship? Right now, I'm hoping to improve my own life while being there for him to encourage him to improve his as well....but the neither of us can drop the romantic gestures between us. its truly unavoidable. Is this correct, or am I simply "babying" him? He also has always been saying things like "when I die," but he's been saying it a lot more since the break up. I'm really confused on what to do. His well-being comes before anything else to me. Thank for taking the time to read this massive wall of text, any help would be greatly appreciated!
TaraMaiden Posted February 28, 2013 Posted February 28, 2013 Go complete No Contact. You may love him, but you're not responsible for him, and you can't fix him. Only he can do that under his own steam. But You also need to preserve your own well-being and look to yourself. And the only way to do that, is to focus. Your well-being is - and should be - far more important to you than his. If you're not 100% well, you cannot logically provide sound support to another. By 'being there' you're emotionally enabling him to stay stuck. And you too. Wanting to help, doesn't always help.
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