Guys who don't initiate regularly?

[Michelle83]

So I'd love some advice/insight on this one guy. I've been interested in him for quite a while now, but can't really figure him out.

 

Long story short, we went out a bit last summer, got along great, and are both very, very attracted to each other. He's religious so told me he wanted to wait until it was serious to have sex. I was fine with that but after a while, it eventually happened. He backed off right away (didn't hear from him for a week) and then finally we talked. Eventually we started seeing each other again, but then it happened again. Same thing... and eventually he told me he just couldn't control himself around me. I was a bit hurt since I really did like him and definitely would have stopped things if I had known he was fighting himself...I thought if he did it, he was okay with it.

 

We didn't talk much after that, but fast forward to earlier this year. I sent a follow-up on an unrelated matter and we got talking again. We're hanging out some more now and fooling around (no sex though - I know better this time!). He seems to have fun when we're out and I know he is attracted to me, but he doesn't ever really initiate dates. I'm pretty much the one to ask him to do something and it eats away at me a bit. I'm always used to guys chasing me, so this is a bit different.

 

We don't see each other all that often right now - maybe once a week or every other week. I'd like to see him more but I feel like I don't want to rush it. I'm okay going slow if I get positive signals he is interested in me. I'm also a bit worried to bring up the 'what is this' or 'where are we' conversation...as I think he may back off entirely.

 

Is the fact he isn't initiating dates a really bad sign?

[todreaminblue]

So I'd love some advice/insight on this one guy. I've been interested in him for quite a while now, but can't really figure him out.

 

Long story short, we went out a bit last summer, got along great, and are both very, very attracted to each other. He's religious so told me he wanted to wait until it was serious to have sex. I was fine with that but after a while, it eventually happened. He backed off right away (didn't hear from him for a week) and then finally we talked. Eventually we started seeing each other again, but then it happened again. Same thing... and eventually he told me he just couldn't control himself around me. I was a bit hurt since I really did like him and definitely would have stopped things if I had known he was fighting himself...I thought if he did it, he was okay with it.

 

We didn't talk much after that, but fast forward to earlier this year. I sent a follow-up on an unrelated matter and we got talking again. We're hanging out some more now and fooling around (no sex though - I know better this time!). He seems to have fun when we're out and I know he is attracted to me, but he doesn't ever really initiate dates. I'm pretty much the one to ask him to do something and it eats away at me a bit. I'm always used to guys chasing me, so this is a bit different.

 

We don't see each other all that often right now - maybe once a week or every other week. I'd like to see him more but I feel like I don't want to rush it. I'm okay going slow if I get positive signals he is interested in me. I'm also a bit worried to bring up the 'what is this' or 'where are we' conversation...as I think he may back off entirely.

 

Is the fact he isn't initiating dates a really bad sign?

 

 

to me it isnt good he is not initiating shows disinterest, and if it were me i wouldnt pursue even if i really liked the guy......i dont know about the sex thing though maybe he does find it hard to control himself around you a way around this is to have a friend come with more or less a chaperone....sounds old fashioned but he may be an old fashioned guy.....it all depends i guess on what you are happy to do ...if you dont mind setting up dates and intitiating, then i wish you the best and i hope it works for you and your friend...a chaperone would stop things from going to far..deb

[Emilia]

Long story short, we went out a bit last summer, got along great, and are both very, very attracted to each other. He's religious so told me he wanted to wait until it was serious to have sex. I was fine with that but after a while, it eventually happened. He backed off right away (didn't hear from him for a week) and then finally we talked. Eventually we started seeing each other again, but then it happened again. Same thing... and eventually he told me he just couldn't control himself around me. I was a bit hurt since I really did like him and definitely would have stopped things if I had known he was fighting himself...I thought if he did it, he was okay with it.

 

We didn't talk much after that, but fast forward to earlier this year. I sent a follow-up on an unrelated matter and we got talking again. We're hanging out some more now and fooling around (no sex though - I know better this time!). He seems to have fun when we're out and I know he is attracted to me, but he doesn't ever really initiate dates. I'm pretty much the one to ask him to do something and it eats away at me a bit. I'm always used to guys chasing me, so this is a bit different.

 

We don't see each other all that often right now - maybe once a week or every other week. I'd like to see him more but I feel like I don't want to rush it. I'm okay going slow if I get positive signals he is interested in me. I'm also a bit worried to bring up the 'what is this' or 'where are we' conversation...as I think he may back off entirely.

 

Is the fact he isn't initiating dates a really bad sign?

 

My advice is to find someone else. It's not whether he is religious, it is clear that he has major control/intimacy issues. It could have been that sex was too soon for him (though to be fair, there is no reason why you should wait if you don't want to!) but it is often a sign of various cluster B personality disorders, etc when a guy freaks out over lack of control and has to cut contact with you. It is possible that he has emotion regulation issues.

 

If the other person is not as comfortable with sex and you are, the two of you are not compatible. I would not waste months or years on someone who freaks out so much over control. My advice is to move on. I have actually experienced this with my BPD ex, I'm not saying your guy has a personality disorder only that he has intimacy/control issues

[carhill]

Is the fact he isn't initiating dates a really bad sign?

 

Singularly, unclear. Combined with the rest of your posting content, my read is emotional unavailability. You're not 'on his mind' in an emotional way which impels thought processes which lead to contacting you. IMO, it has little to do with you, though you apparently are affected, hence the post.

 

My advice is do date other young men who do initiate and reciprocate with consistency, and whose actions feel positive to you. Good luck.

[Bengal Tiger]

So I'd love some advice/insight on this one guy. I've been interested in him for quite a while now, but can't really figure him out.

 

Good luck trying to figure him out. There are steps you can take that would help get you closer to the answer to that question.

 

I'm also a bit worried to bring up the 'what is this' or 'where are we' conversation...as I think he may back off entirely.

 

Is the fact he isn't initiating dates a really bad sign?

 

Have the conversation. If you want answers you have to ask questions. Be gentle but firm. Sweet and understanding and patient, but not hostile or demanding. If he is into you, he will welcome this. If he backs off, then he's not. This is the game changer that will find out. Don't fear it. Be brave.

 

The fact that he isn't initiating is a sign that he is very beta. When I'm into a girl I want to see her and talk to her as much as I can within reason without looking too eager. This dude doesn't sound very eager at all.

 

The status quo is apparently not satisying for you. If you want change you simply must take action. "Honey, we need to talk..."

[Michelle83]

Thanks for all of the replies. This is what I was a bit scared to hear.

 

I have absolutely no issues with the physical part of things - he's fine doing other stuff and I've never been so attracted to someone in all my life.

 

It's just difficult, I really like him a lot and don't get that kind of electricity/connection with people often. He has so many good qualities as well, just a lot of what I'd look for in a guy.

 

It's just the total lack of initiating that gets to me, if it was at least balanced I'd feel better. It's good to get the outside perspective on this - thanks again!

[ChessPieceFace]

My advice is that the above posters are way too "sure" about this situation to have any credibility of any kind. You know him, they don't. It's your relationship, not theirs. People here are so quick to say "END IT" and it's really disgusting behavior on their part. "END IT" for cheating, or hard drug use or abuse. Other things, questions you simply have about someone, no credible group of people should be uniting and definitively telling you to end your relationship with someone. I can't believe people on this forum. You should be !@^#ing ashamed of yourselves.

 

Also, most people here are very anti-christian and anti-morals. They have no basis judging this guy, they exist in a universe where immoral perversion is normal, while morals are a foreign concept. You won't get good advice about your guy here.

[Michelle83]

My advice is that the above posters are way too "sure" about this situation to have any credibility of any kind. You know him, they don't. It's your relationship, not theirs. People here are so quick to say "END IT" and it's really disgusting behavior on their part. "END IT" for cheating, or hard drug use or abuse. Other things, questions you simply have about someone, no credible group of people should be uniting and definitively telling you to end your relationship with someone. I can't believe people on this forum. You should be !@^#ing ashamed of yourselves.

 

Also, most people here are very anti-christian and anti-morals. They have no basis judging this guy, they exist in a universe where immoral perversion is normal, while morals are a foreign concept. You won't get good advice about your guy here.

 

Thanks for the reply to this and nice to hear a different perspective. I don't think I will end things just yet. It's nice to know outside viewpoints and how others would react...but I feel this way about people so rarely, to me it's worth going a little further.

 

I really like him and if it's just going slow for a while, that I can do, no problem. As I said, I completely respect his desire not to have sex yet...it's one of the things I like about him. I'm still a bit on guard with my feelings and I think I will be until he initiates a bit more or we are seeing each other more regularly and I feel confident he is really interested in me, but at the moment I will take it as it goes. I can't wait around forever, but I really enjoy my time with him right now.

[ChessPieceFace]

It sounds like he is seriously into the sexual morality 'terms and conditions' of Christianity. I may be wrong but even as someone who has a high respect for morality and Christian principles, I don't think it's a good idea to abstain completely until marriage. Sexual compatibility is way too important to leave until after you pledge your life to someone, not to mention that absolute denial is especially unfair to men. Some fundamentalist guys make bad decisions and get married way early out of sexual desperation. I can respect the idealism behind it, and do believe sex should only be with someone you love, but total abstinence is way too extreme to be sensible, IMO.

 

That said, he hasn't abstained completely, and I guess you guys have sexual chemistry, so maybe that's not an issue in your case.

 

Anyway, what I was thinking reading your post is, maybe he sees you as an "immoral temptation?" He said he can't control himself around you and yet isn't active about being with you. I don't know, it's just what struck me as maybe being true. It sounds like you need to figure out whether your belief systems and ideas about sex are compatible.

[Michelle83]

It sounds like he is seriously into the sexual morality 'terms and conditions' of Christianity. I may be wrong but even as someone who has a high respect for morality and Christian principles, I don't think it's a good idea to abstain completely until marriage. Sexual compatibility is way too important to leave until after you pledge your life to someone, not to mention that absolute denial is especially unfair to men. Some fundamentalist guys make bad decisions and get married way early out of sexual desperation. I can respect the idealism behind it, and do believe sex should only be with someone you love, but total abstinence is way too extreme to be sensible, IMO.

 

That said, he hasn't abstained completely, and I guess you guys have sexual chemistry, so maybe that's not an issue in your case.

 

Anyway, what I was thinking reading your post is, maybe he sees you as an "immoral temptation?" He said he can't control himself around you and yet isn't active about being with you. I don't know, it's just what struck me as maybe being true. It sounds like you need to figure out whether your belief systems and ideas about sex are compatible.

 

Thanks again. I don't think he necessarily feels he has to wait until marriage, just until it is more serious. I know he slept with his last gf many, many years ago, so it's not a only when married thing. And I do agree, last summer I think that may have been what was the case. He couldn't control his physical urges around me and couldn't let that keep happening.

 

I'm okay with waiting and those beliefs...that is fine. It's just the lack of him actively trying to plan dates right now, that's really all. I pretty much have initiated/asked for every outing, and it's hard to know what to make of that. But that's how it's been with him the vast majority of the time (even last summer), so maybe it's just what's 'normal' with us now.

[Eternal Sunshine]

After reading the posts of female regulars you'll realize they want a degree of forwardness that borders on sexual assault which is very creepy.

 

Because of your avatar, I find anything you say cute

[Feelin Frisky]

Find a non-weirdo. He has some complex system of repression and delusion. You can either buy into that as religious or what it is, inherited kookiness. I wouldn't put up with it in a woman. See ya.

[Estate]

So I'd love some advice/insight on this one guy. I've been interested in him for quite a while now, but can't really figure him out.

 

Long story short, we went out a bit last summer, got along great, and are both very, very attracted to each other. He's religious so told me he wanted to wait until it was serious to have sex. I was fine with that but after a while, it eventually happened. He backed off right away (didn't hear from him for a week) and then finally we talked. Eventually we started seeing each other again, but then it happened again. Same thing... and eventually he told me he just couldn't control himself around me. I was a bit hurt since I really did like him and definitely would have stopped things if I had known he was fighting himself...I thought if he did it, he was okay with it.

 

We didn't talk much after that, but fast forward to earlier this year. I sent a follow-up on an unrelated matter and we got talking again. We're hanging out some more now and fooling around (no sex though - I know better this time!). He seems to have fun when we're out and I know he is attracted to me, but he doesn't ever really initiate dates. I'm pretty much the one to ask him to do something and it eats away at me a bit. I'm always used to guys chasing me, so this is a bit different.

 

We don't see each other all that often right now - maybe once a week or every other week. I'd like to see him more but I feel like I don't want to rush it. I'm okay going slow if I get positive signals he is interested in me. I'm also a bit worried to bring up the 'what is this' or 'where are we' conversation...as I think he may back off entirely.

 

Is the fact he isn't initiating dates a really bad sign?

 

To be honest it sounds like he's thinks you're good for a hookup.

You keep initiating things, you guys have sex then he disappears until he wants another hookup and he doesn't even need to hit you up, you do it for him.

Sounds like a pretty lame dude.

 

The only alternative which MIGHT be true is if he really actually is a religious guy. I extracted myself from a religious background growing up. There's the possibility that he loves hooking up with you but then ends up guilt ridden because of his religious background and backs off. When you re-initiate later he just wants to do it again but then rinse was repeat.

 

Option 1 is most likely, he's not that into you but knows he can hook up.

Option 2 is a possibility but I don't know the guy well enough to be sure.

[stillafool]

He is probably seeing other people as well as you. He may not have settled on which one he wants to be his girlfriend yet so hasn't gotten that serious with any of you. He is probably a nice guy who has fun with whomever he is with at the time. You only have two options (1) Wait it out; or (2) Move on.