MoonDrop Posted February 28, 2013 Posted February 28, 2013 I'd like to hear some opinions on why a man (woman) who developed a friendship with someone would just disappear, instead of saying a proper goodbye? A little back story on my case: I met a man at work, different departments but same building. At first I just gave the regular smile when we crossed paths- then a couple months later I ran into him with a mutual colleague at a cafe- he took the opportunity to properly intoduce himself - handshake, eye contact, etc. (I took it as we really didn't need all this formality, but I felt he wanted to set a good impression) We chatted for a while had some laughs, and we returned to work. He did make an impression, he started popping up in my mind. We started bumping into each other more. I asked him for a favor-which he immediately worked on, we became more friendly as the months passed. I did pick up though that he suddenly began to pass by my office walking through (way out of his way) and when I would visit our mutual colleague, he would become flustered and if he dropped something or forgot what he was speaking of at the time- he would jokingly say it I did that to him (in front of others). One time he mentioned his gf in a convo, so I took note and even though we continued to grow closer over time, and he never mentioned the gf again and I was convinced all the signs of interest were there, I was not willing to overtly flirt with him, but lightly through small jokes, eye contact, because although I was interested- his gf, his problem. Sometimes he sought me out, sometimes I did. I just acted normal and friendly, and although I wanted more- his friendship was as valuable. He was encouraging, supportive, kind, funny, he always tried to impress me which I thought was cute, he remembered every tiny thing I told him, and although we didn't see each other everyday, when we did- it was like it is just us. Fast forward a handful of months later, he is supposed to be leaving the position- although this saddened me, I did hope we would still maintain some sort of communication, because we were friends..at least. Last time I saw him it was a great convo as usual, I told him I was going to be sad to see him go and told him to say bye before he does go. He replied that of course he planned to stop by. I could tell he was bummed as well. He never stopped by, nothing, no goodbye?! Lets say im misreading his undeniable strong interest in me (which i am 99% sure), I was still a colleague and a friend. Why would he not stop by to say "nice knowing you"? My first thought is- he didn't think it would end, and it was and he now had to choose whether to cross a line and maintain contact with a potential threat to his relationship (by his doing) or really say goodbye... he chose to avoid it all together, which is so unlike him?! It makes me sad, because I will miss him. Thoughts? Thanks for reading:confused:
clia Posted February 28, 2013 Posted February 28, 2013 Did you ever get together with him or see him outside of work? Did you ever talk to him outside of work? Because it sounds like you were a "coworker friend," not a "friend friend." Once he moved on from the job, he moved on from you. This isn't a rare thing. I also think you may have read way more into the relationship than was there.
Author MoonDrop Posted February 28, 2013 Author Posted February 28, 2013 (edited) Thanks for your response. I am sure he had interest, as he really went out of his way. But that is not the point, because as I mentioned- even if I "imagined" his interest romantically, his interest as a friend and colleague was real. I was also looking for new opportunities during the time we knew each other, and he would always check in to see how it went and talk about it, and compliment me. Thus, I felt it was a co-worker friendship, a genuine one-- at the least. When co-workers leave, yes they forget about it and the people. I have left jobs as well, and I take a few minutes to do the goodbye rounds, nice knowing you-- maybe even exchange contact info (even if im sure we will most likely never contact one another). The fact that he didn't say goodbye, really makes me think his crush was bigger than I thought, and he really didn't want to say it. I understand many may post and say, I mis read, "he's not into you", etc. However, I am sure of how I feel-- and Im sure if he didn't have a gf, he would have jumped at the chance. Regardless, the question I am asking is not "was he into me" but, why he wouldn't say goodbye and just disappear. At the end of the day, we shared something between us, a friendship, professional friendship, whatever, but the proper way to leave is a "goodbye, good luck", no?? Edited February 28, 2013 by MoonDrop
carhill Posted February 28, 2013 Posted February 28, 2013 If his crush was authentic and/or he was 'into you', whether romantically or as a platonic friend, his actions upon departure would have reflected that. I'll share a life lesson I learned many years ago and see reinforced every day, so much that it doesn't even affect me anymore: People associate with people they don't care about, whether for perks, to pass the time of day in a pleasurable way, inflate their ego, or merely for something to assuage their feelings of loneliness. The interaction matters, not the person. The person is interchangeable for another person. Once you stop caring, you'll see how easy it is to do this. I stuck it out for a couple of decades after learning the lesson, but decided that sometimes the winning move is not to play. Good luck.
clia Posted February 28, 2013 Posted February 28, 2013 Regardless, the question I am asking is not "was he into me" but, why he wouldn't say goodbye and just disappear. At the end of the day, we shared something between us, a friendship, professional friendship, whatever, but the proper way to leave is a "goodbye, good luck", no?? Maybe he got busy his last day and either ran out of time or forgot. I agree with you that if you were as close as you say you were the proper thing to do would be to say "goodbye." The fact that he didn't makes me believe that you weren't as important to him or as close to him as you think you are. I know you want to read into it that he is so interested in you that he just couldn't bear the thought of having to say goodbye to you, but I think that is a little too romantic comedyish, and I don't think that is what happened. You got me thinking -- If I left my job today, there are certain people I wouldn't leave the building without saying "goodbye" to; there are others that I joke around with, have drinks with after work, have a good relationshp with, and I would consider to be a "coworker friend," etc., who wouldn't be at the top of my priority list, and if I got busy or ran out of time without saying goodbye, I wouldn't think much of it. You may be to him like those people are to me. It was great while it lasted, but...not a high priority. But, who knows?
Author MoonDrop Posted February 28, 2013 Author Posted February 28, 2013 I'll share a life lesson I learned many years ago and see reinforced every day, so much that it doesn't even affect me anymore: People associate with people they don't care about, whether for perks, to pass the time of day in a pleasurable way, inflate their ego, or merely for something to assuage their feelings of loneliness. The interaction matters, not the person. The person is interchangeable for another persson. Carhill, I agree with you 90%- as I have probably been a contributor to this at some point in my life. However, 10% of me knows that not all people you meet hold such superficial viewpoints on a relationship. Also, over the years I have begun not to care- and have recognized that many are not capable/equipped to have common decency. Thus, I only exert any kind of effort on people I have genuine interest/care for- because others are not worth my time-- I'm not playing any more-as you say. I feel if our friendship was as superficial and meaningless, than a superficial goodbye would have been very easy and normal. A colleague leaving and bidding farewell is a very common and practical, because it is the decent thing to do, and it is good to keep as many bridges open as possible. I feel he really put in the effort to try to form a friendship, because I am very aware of the "fakeness" and don't waste my time indulging in it. He was the one who kept pushing through the barriers. I wasn't too wrapped up in him, but I don't get the silent departure.. If the roles were reversed, I would have said goodbye, I appreciated his friendship and support, and I wished him luck in his future-- simple, done, and maintained a good professional impression. Thanks for your insight, in many cases what you say is 100% correct, and many people should view it from that view first to avoid the turmoil and heartache. But, we cannot fully give up on the hope that throughout our lives, we will meet people that value us and that we value, and sometimes it may last forever, and sometimes they just come and go.
carhill Posted February 28, 2013 Posted February 28, 2013 I 'gave up' on letting it 'matter'. It was a choice. Once I could see those people (whom acted as you outline in your OP) as clearly as they saw me, the rest became elementary. As they say, next. Life goes on.
Author MoonDrop Posted February 28, 2013 Author Posted February 28, 2013 You got me thinking -- If I left my job today, there are certain people I wouldn't leave the building without saying "goodbye" to; there are others that I joke around with, have drinks with after work, have a good relationshp with, and I would consider to be a "coworker friend," etc., who wouldn't be at the top of my priority list, and if I got busy or ran out of time without saying goodbye, I wouldn't think much of it. You may be to him like those people are to me. It was great while it lasted, but...not a high priority. But, who knows? Thanks Clia, yes he may have ran out of time, I wasn't high priority, etc. Which is all ok, its just weird that he would come by after weekends and tell me he was thinking about something I told him over the weekend, and wanted to tel me, blah, blah. or send an email inquiring about inerviews, and prompting me to let him know via email if the weekend was approaching. Interest romantically, maybe? Friendly interest, for sure! As i mentioned, I never exerted more than a friendly flirt here and there, because he had a gf, and I am old enough and experienced enough to know that, I would be wasting my time and building silly hope, so i allowed him to make most of the effort. I quoted what you said there because I want to pose the question to you: At your job, these people you have built a relationship with (inside jokes, grabbing coffee, complaining about company woes, sharing future hopes, etc). What if one of these people you felt you were the closest to at work, suddenly disappeared, without acknowledging you or anything. You would feel a little surprised, and kind of like 'hmm, thought we were friends, thats pretty crappy". In a way its a bit disrespectful, no? I guess because I did develop some feelings for him, that it seems a bit more hurtful, but if I was just a straight colleague, I still think i would have been put off by such a departure.
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